What Holds Us Together

What holds us together?  How do we avoid guilt and regrets?

 I've been thinking about how to avoid regrets. I like the Al Anon/AA saying "when wrong promptly admit it," and once I learned this valuable piece of advice it resolved many of my own problems that I'd caused in my life. It also worked wonders in counseling my clients. However, coaxing the client to see their errors required a particularly subtle tango. First to know how far you can go with the bald-faced truth, which requires that you get to know and understand your client.  This avoids defensiveness rearing it's ugly head. Then with kindness and a generous sense of humor you might parrot back to them what they did to be offensive. We're looking for the dawn of awareness here folks. It's always better if the client volunteers, "well, I wish I hadn't spoken out of turn, been so critical, ignored my spouse, etc."  In my work with children that subtlety wasn't so important and the obvious, "how would that make you feel if this was said/done to you?" I usually cut to the chase. They would answer rather hang doggedly, "not very good". Empathy for others is the duct tape of humanitarianism.

Kathleen 2017

When someone you love dies unexpectedly sometimes this brings up many regrets. This happened to me when my sister Kathleen died in April, 2019. I went through days of regrets and feeling guilty that I hadn't done more for her. As I mentioned in another post it took talking to my sister Sally and me finding some old supportive emails to Kathleen I'd  written and forgotten about that helped assuage the regret and guilt.  Sudden death of a loved one has occurred several times in my life and seemingly the older all of us get, the more it's going to happen. No one gets out of this world alive, that's the sad truth. Interestingly, my father died also of a heart attack also at age 67 and they shared a birthday. Fate or coincidence, they also ignored the advice of many of us to attend to their health. Go for a checkup people! Vigilance is the duct tape of health.

Living life with Edith Piaf's 'non, je ne regrette rien', [no, I do not regret anything] requires diligence. It takes a firm commitment to the golden rule, kindness, admitting your mistakes in a timely fashion and being willing to make amends when you have wounded someone. Mistakes just solidifies our enrollment in the human race. Humility is the duct tape of gratitude.

Many of the clients in my practice came because they wished to do the right thing and avoid worry about a friend or loved one. They expressed fear that they would regret deeply if anything untoward happened to the one they cared about because they were unwilling or didn't know how to intervene. One of the people was "Tara"* who was consumed with worry about her son who lived in a city and was practically homeless because of his drug and alcohol addiction. To a person everyone, her friends and family told her to let him fail, "tough love" they righteously cried. Tara told me that in his case she felt that he would die without her help. "What is it you want to do for him?"  "I want to bring him here and have him live with me to heal."  This was contraindicated by my training at the time and yet, and yet. Tara described her son to me as full of humor and life and they had always had a great relationship. I told her to make some stipulations to their living together and I secretly realized that as a mother I would be unwilling to let my child just drift. Tara brought him home. I'm not going to say it was all sweetness and light but he did eventually get sober and thrived in this small town. Tara listened to her head, heart and guts. Courage is the duct tape of conviction.
*Tara is a pseudonym

What holds us together? What is most important in life? It seems to me that anyone who keeps the idea and the ability to see beauty and kindness never grows old. That beauty can be in nature, children, your friends, your pets and your mate. It also helps if, that said, one diligently works to bring beauty, joy and cheerfulness into everyone's world. You can't "make" someone happy but you can try to provide it. Generosity is the duct tape of togetherness.

On that note, here's a poem I wrote years ago and fiddled with to bring it up to date.

Duct Tape

Tomato paste is the duct tape of cooking

Openness is the duct tape of learning
Belief is the duct tape of religion
Insight is the duct tape of psychotherapy

Empathy is the duct tape of humanitarianism.

Humility is the duct tape of gratitude.

Courage is the duct tape of conviction

Vigilance is the duct tape of health.
Fearlessness is the duct tape of skiing
Fluidity is the duct tape of ballet

Logic is the duct tape of debate
Compost is the duct tape of gardening
Surprise is the duct tape of comedy
Communication is the duct tape of peace

Generosity is the duct tape of togetherness
Harmony is the duct tape of marriage
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship

Love is the duct tape of relationship                                               
You are the duct tape of me.           Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Raising Responsible Teens

It is good and important for our kids to take on mature tasks as little ones and as teens. Susan Grout

The amount of satisfaction you get from life depends largely on your own ingenuity, self-sufficiency and resourcefulness.  People who wait around for life to supply their satisfaction usually find boredom instead.                          Dr. William Menninger 

On a suggestion from Anna Quindlen's newspaper column I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. This was a hole in my education that needed to be filled. The book depicts the harsh times of one poor family around the turn of the last century. We follow one young lady, Francie from ages 11 to 17. It is labeled as fiction but so much of the book is autobiographical that the truth flies off the pages. This young woman, Betty Smith led a hard scrabble life and redeemed her difficult situation through education, and when she had to quit school to help support the family, by reading and hard work. Her diligence was impressive, and it paid off. 

Take a mental, quick walk with me through the centuries. You'll find most children and especially teenagers had very difficult lives, especially by today's standards. In fact, until recently in this country many children had to leave school to work and help support the family. This was true of the protagonist, Francie mentioned above, and this was also true of my own grandfather, Webster McHenry. Then when and where they did work, the children were working in deplorable conditions. There were no child labor laws, they worked 60 to 80 hours a week and were paid poorly. It wasn't until FDR's first term in the White House in the 1930's that child labor laws were enacted. In this century things have gotten better, certainly not because of the charity of the bosses, but due to legislation that big business fought against tooth and nail.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.                                                 Fredrick Douglass 

Stating the obvious, the ease that most of our teens today are being raised is in stark contrast to the children of a century ago. Yes, this is indeed a blessing yet sometimes their character suffers for these cushier circumstances. I keep asking myself, "what are we promoting in these children?" Since the burdens for most children have lightened up considerably this should be heralded as good news but sometimes the burdens are lightened to an absurd degree. That's what I'm concerned about. 

There are misguided parents who go completely overboard pushing and basically overdoing everything for their child. It's been called 'helicopter parenting'. Please remember, this isn't for the benefit of the child, this is all about the star-shine for the parent. I remember reading years ago in a book, The Road Less Traveled, in which Scott Peck described a mother who drove her son to school each day because she was afraid for him to take the bus. She described her actions as loving. This was a boy in high school. That's not love, it's teaching him to be fearful and dependent.

If parents really cared primarily for their teen's maturity, they would be concerned about enriching them. This would emphasize encouraging the teen to be capable of doing rudimentary tasks for themselves. Examples abound: doing the family's laundry; help cooking meals; procuring and working at a summer job; finding joy in volunteering; learning to file a tax return; filling out college applications; cleaning their room; cleaning the bathroom; being responsible for a checkbook; know what a debit card actually means; how to earn and manage money; taking care of younger children; knowing how to study; learning how to do research; how to navigate in a city; how to read a map; learning what it means to be a good citizen and the value of loving kindness in everyday life. All of this is what I would hope that the average American teen would be capable of. Instead...

These days it is not unusual for parents to never require their teen to help around the house or be responsible for a pet or even a younger sibling. These parents even go so far as to write their kid's college essays. That's not all. I have been told by teachers that the parents call the schools for special exemptions and privileges for their child then they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I have witnessed them giving their kids expensive cars to drive to high school. These teens are never required to have summer jobs, and this is particularly sad because a job would be an excellent way to start them on the road to being self-sufficient. 

I ask you, what is all of this over protectiveness/overcompensation teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself, I must step in assist" and that folks, is infantilization, treating a perfectly capable person like an infant. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need to stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their teen chooses to achieve. As I see it this is not helping either of them to mature. My hope and requests are for the parents to be less indulgent and expect the teen to be more diligent, respectful and caring. This is the hallmark of maturity: taking responsibility for one's self for the sake of their own [and our] future. Lazy indulged teens are the last thing we need to keep our country strong. An excellent goal is to aim to raise good citizens and caring adults.

 

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.                                     John R. Miller

For of those to whom much is given, much is required.                                     John F. Kennedy 

While I'm trying to understand this overindulgence on the part of the parents I do realize the world is a more difficult place than it was when I was a teen. For one thing there is easy access to a wild variety of drugs that just wasn't part of my experience. Violence, guns, were not so omni-present and things moved at a much slower pace. Also, the world for my generation was more affordable. With summer jobs and only a bit of assistance financially from my parents I was able to pay for much of my college education. Gone are those days. Then there is global warming, climate change, oy vey!

When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot---but I always found them.                                                    Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up in a mostly happy home, one of six kids. Although mostly happy our parents did have trials and tribulations. Being one of the oldest much more was expected of me and now I appreciate that, and even the benign neglect of my parents. I had to do a lot for myself and for my family. Looking back, even the rotten experiences I had as a teen have been useful in my life--- as life lessons. 

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Phobias

"A lot of people are afraid of heights, not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Stephen Wright

Many years ago I became very interested in therapy methods designed to shorten my client’s suffering. I read everything I could get my hands on which I presumed would be a refresher of the Brief Therapy model that I studied in graduate school. But no, it seemed that the new methods were using the body as well as the mind to enhance recovery from a host of problems. I was hoping that this would be a quicker therapy than laboriously searching through their past history and walking through the broken glass of horrible experiences to change trauma. So, I decided to go to a workshop that promised these shortcuts. One eyebrow raised and a "prove it" attitude went along with me.

Interestingly, the workshop was sponsored by a very enlightened group of people I worked with who were in the behavioral health section of an insurance company. They encouraged us to study new techniques to expand our competency and in their best interest enable us to hasten people's recovery. Win/win: quicker time in counseling [good for the client] and less out flow of cash for the insurance company. The only problem was I was inherently skeptical of "quick fixes", nonetheless I ventured forth.

At the workshop the leader presented the process of this kind of therapy and how it was based on acupuncture points which corresponded to the Chinese meridian points discovered thousands of years ago. Hum mm, I thought, let's see if this is just talk with no substantiation. First off, he asked for volunteers, asking for someone who had something that they were afraid of, something they wanted to change. Ha, I thought, I don't have anything like that. The first volunteer was a young woman who bravely stood up before all of us and said, "I have a terrible fear of heights." O, my, that’s my familiar fear, and I inwardly cringed.

A couple of years prior I was at my younger son's graduation from college. My husband and two sons and I wanted to see some sights and my son suggested we go see a particularly lovely gorge near his college.  With great enthusiasm all of us walked around the entrance to the gorge which was cordoned off with a fence for safety's sake. My two boys walked right up to the fence, my husband right behind them, glancing down at the incredible view below.  I did follow and looked down, down, down, then thought I was going to throw up. I was a mess, cautioning them to "step away from that fence!" They laughed and started to dangle parts of themselves over the fence until I was almost in tears. Seems as if I had hidden my fear of heights rather well, they thought I was kidding. The point - I was terrified.

The workshop leader first attended to the young therapist, having her explain her fear of heights and asking how many years it had been present in her life and how it had adversely affected her. She candidly described how she couldn't even climb a ladder. Then he instructed her to do a series of taps on herself, all the while thinking of what she was afraid of. This took possibly ten minutes, repetitively checking on her, asking her to rate her experience. Next, he brought a step stool and asked her if she would consider standing on it. "Sure!" she said and proceeded to do just that. Wow, I thought ever the skeptic, I wonder if she was planted to con us.

We were then given the manual which instructed us in the very simple technique. We then paired off with another therapist, having one person act as the client and the other as the therapist trying the new technique we just witnessed.

I went first and as the client, I had to describe my fear in detail. Mine was easy to root out, it happened when I was 12 years old. My mother had always taken all six of us kids to the same dentist, Dr. Leishmer. He was kind and good and we liked him. Well, sadly he’d developed cancer of the jaw. This was sixty years ago and the treatments at that time for cancer were Draconian, somewhat like today's treatments, but far less effective. So, Dr. Leishmer came in to greet us and wearing a surgical mask over his lower face. That was bad enough but, bless his heart, he smelled like rotting fish. My mother then Sally, as oldest went first. I took the time to walk out into the hallway, then down the hallway to a door that led out to the fire escape. This office was on the 12th floor of the building, and it was a beautiful spring day. Since it was 1958, no safety measures were in place, nothing to stop me and I blithely waltzed out on the fire escape and looked all around Chicago and then looked down. Whoosh. 12 stories down. I fell to my knees and had to crawl back inside the building, shaking and nauseous. My turn was next, and I had to go in there with poor Dr. Leishmer who, despite his cancer was working.

Years later I asked my mom, "why did you takes us to him, that was an awful experience." She said, "I felt incredibly sorry for him. As soon as most people heard that he had cancer they canceled their appointments, and I just couldn't do that to him. He had a family to feed." How I wish she had prepared us for this experience. I’m still impressed with the kindness of my mother and for her generosity in being loyal to him. Now I realize, this was just not her way to give any preparation or explanation in advance to us. Anyway, the dilemma for me was an internal one: I was sickened by this man, but I didn't want to cause a scene and refuse to go in. Hence the perfect set up for a phobia: an internal conflict and horrible fear.

After my therapist partner lead me through the series of taps, humming, and counting I was to rate my discomfort level. I went from a '9' [ uncomfortable] to a '2' [comfortable], zero being the most comfortable. I still had some skepticism. Really, was this bizarre treatment going to work in the real world? I’ll cut to the chase here, I tried it out in many forms and was successful. My biggest triumph was going to the Empire State building many years ago, really enjoying the view, heading back to the down the elevator and saying to my husband, "remember when I used to be afraid of heights?" He answered, "I almost forgot about that", and I said, "Yeah, so did I".

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth." H.L.Menken

many people fear preforming

What I want to leave you with is this: if you have an irrational fear and you want it gone, there are fast and effective methods out there to chase them away. I am not going to advocate for any brand name but do go banish the fear. Find someone [psychotherapist, hypnotherapist] who is recommended. What we are after, and it is marvelous, is the cure. It is so worth it: you can see all over Chicago, New York, any gorge and you can look and see what is way, way down below because you feel safe. You will enjoy the experience and be proud of yourself. Myself and many clients conquered their phobias. 

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Know What You Know

                                                                                                                               We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.                          Will Rogers 

Lately my thoughts are turning to clients that I've worked with in the past that were not successful in letting go of something or someone that was not good, caring or healthy for them. Yes, sometimes it was due to the client having an addiction, or an abusive childhood that left them with an unconscious dictum that tells them "you don't deserve love". I realize these days this dictum would also include people who have been continually lied to--- which is a form of abuse and gaslighting.  

What stimulated these thoughts was my struggle to finish Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. What's personally interesting for me was breaking one of my "rules" in reading this book.  I have to either love or admire the characters, and in WH I neither loved or admired any of the characters. The only characters in WH that were even minimally appealing were the narrators, not the main characters. Despite this I plowed on because I'd just watched the film 'Emily' which was a lovely film about the life of Emily Bronte and I thought I should probably read her only book. 

I started reading the prologue only when I'd read more than half of the book. I didn't  want to be overly influenced or prejudiced by what was happening in the book with the prologue writer's opinion. This writer analyzed the plot, the pacing, the fame and why this book remains popular more than 175 years after it's publication. What really got me questioning the wisdom of some of her analysis was when she posed the questioned "Heathcliff: was he a hero or a villain?"  Gee, let's see, in the book Wuthering Heights , Heathcliff is a man who was the victim of child abuse and neglect. He suffered hard knocks perhaps even living homeless for years on the streets of London. His appearance at age 14 years old is left as a mystery by Bronte. Supposedly brought home to the family [with no explanation] from London by the father of the household. Was he a cousin? An illegitimate son? It's suggested he'd been treated like the children in Oliver Twist, the 1836 novel  by Charles Dickens about the deplorable way the English businessmen treated the children who worked for them. Yes, Dickens should know because Charles Dickens was one of the children abused by that system. Unlike Heathcliff he turned out to be a fine, although not a perfect man, but to his credit a non violent man who had a big family he took care of. So Dickens despite his rotten childhood was more of a hero.

All of this is most probably true for Heathcliff I'm guessing he had a nightmarish childhood.  Was he grateful to his new father and home for rescuing him? Not in the slightest. He wasn't treated all that well and was further taken advantage of. He only connected with the twelve year old Catherine [who most assuredly clapped as he walked by] and he developed an obsessive love for Catherine. Heathcliff was violent, self absorbed, obsessed with revenge and yes, devastatingly handsome. So Heathcliff more of a villain.

Know what you know, see what you see.                            Susan R. Grout

I kept asking myself what makes this fictional character so compelling to some women? They swoon over his description and his nature which included his black, black moods. He had all the hallmarks of being clinically depressed and, because he actually cared for no one but himself, was probably a sociopath. The only reason he cared for Catherine was for what she could give him, clap, clap, clap. So my question to all of you is---what in God's name recommends him to the female readers who fall under his spell? Is the handsome, violent, brooding type someone to desire? I guess so. This is love based on fear.  Even though he's a fictional character some women sadly fall in love with this type of dark bully. As these women clients would pour out their tale of woe, on how difficult it is loving a man who's a sociopath, I'd sigh and try my best to awaken these women. I'd say, "consider or even imagine, living life with someone who is never threatening, and is reliable, loving and caring."  Then I'd add "this is not an easy task in any sense of the word but entirely possible, there are kind loving men out there."

I suddenly realized as I'm writing this I've also had one female client who was basically a female form of Heathcliff.  She would find the kindest, sweetest men and basically steal their hearts and their money. I'd see the remains of the man who'd been lured by her incredible sex appeal [I guess to them] and promises [false] of her care and concern for   them.  All lies. She basically believed her own con. After her third marriage proposal, with her accepting their rings and money and then dumping them, finally the word got around in her small town that she was not to be trusted. Only of of her victims had the temerity to confront her. He told me, 

"I asked her to go for a walk after she broke up with me. As we walked I said to her: remember, I never called you a bitch or a loathsome person or a despicable human being!" She demurely answered, "no you never did."

"Then I left."  He continued, "so I got the to finally say the truth, that she was all of those things. I said, I 'never' but I got to call her all those names, even if she didn't realize it." He made me laugh at his cleverness.

I lost touch with her and wonder if she'd be on husband number five by now. I used to say to my clients both male and female, "know what you know, see what you see" also, "watch their actions not their words." Their actions will tell you all you need to know about them, believe what you see.

Cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, filling it with a steady and perpetual serenity.    Joseph Addison

Thinking about men who are kind and heroes I was remembering my Grandfather. My Grandma used to say, "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man." This was dubious advice to my sisters and me--- which none of us took and in fact, advice she didn't take herself. My grandfather was by no means rich and he was a bit taciturn but did love her and all of us with care and concern. He especially loved my mother who he always called "Lady Jane". Grandma's marriage was somewhat tumultuous, [he'd say "Florence, if I say black--you'd say white"] but they did have a long marriage, mostly happy. My Grandmother's saving grace was she was cheerful and really funny. Cheerful and amusing can make up for a bunch of sins, especially of being argumentative.

Small Town Therapist on the Best Revenge

Eleanor got even in a way that was almost cruel...she forgave them.      Ralph McGill on Eleanor Roosevelt

It's far  easier to forgive an enemy after you've gotten even with them.                                                                                                       Olin Miller

 My husband and I were very distressed and saddened when a bully House Sparrow forced our tiny Bewicks Wrens to abandon their nest by sheer unmitigated harassment. Worse when Mr. G opened the now abandon bird house there were five teeny blue eggs. Ah nature. Though so sad I said to myself "that's nature and nature can be cruel." My husband's response was, "next time I'm going to stand under that nest and harass the House Sparrow." It made me laugh because, well, I was passive and he was aggressive. I'm going to vote for passive in some circumstances, it sits easier on the mind. Always? Heavens no.

 

One of the examples of  'heavens no!' is when here is abuse in the picture. Standing up to anyone who is abusive is imperative even if it's as weak as "it makes me uncomfortable when you talk to______________ that way." The fill in the blank can be a child, a pet, a woman who has been verbally threatened by a bully. Yes, there is a chance that the bully will then turn on you-- I realize that. It happened to me years ago. I was counseling an abused woman when suddenly  her husband crashed the appointment. He started threatening me, yelling. I stood up to him--- who was approximate a foot taller than me. No match. But I stood up to protect my client [not wise, I realize] but happily for me another therapist, a man and my friend was across the hall and came to my defense. In a very commanding way he told the husband "you're way out of line and you need to leave immediately." Thankfully that ended the abuse and yes, I was shaken after the husband left. In retrospect I could have gotten hurt if my fellow, male therapist across the hall had not intervened. But I would do it again.  Because my belief is to shy away from witnessing bullying [abuse] is plain and simple cowardly. 

In extremis, call in the authorities if you are bullied! [This was decades before the availability of cell phones which would have helped and also decades away from the dangerous and ridiculous proliferation of guns.] I guess I was lucky to have the man across the hall. The "authorities" can simply be: a person bigger than you; a bystander; the playground aides; the sheriff; etc. All of us need back up when bullied or abused. This is a sacred duty as far as I'm concerned. You can be kind and insistent but often with bullies this is ineffective.

The idea of  revenge was in a small way on my mind after we had that hateful bully bird. Then I was reading about all the horrible, abusive big things that humans do to each other. Here's a list of some of the awfulness: shootings of innocent people; racism; misogyny; domestic violence; turning a blind eye to starving children; banning books;  prejudices against people of color and/or people who have a different sexual preference; and inflicting cruelty on groups of people who don't share your religious views.  All of these items mentioned of abusive behavior are based on fear and loathing not caring, concern or love. This calls for both active and passive actions: actively defending those who need back up and passive, accepting that all people are not going to think like you do and this may not resolve the issue at hand. Both includes actions--- do unto others and mind your own business. When someone is getting hurt or taken advantage of it is my business. We all can participate to end abuse.

My own son, as a kindergartener, would chase down anyone[boys] on the playground who was a bully.  I loved his audacity. He'd come home with tales of his deeds and would add, "then the girls would chase me around the playground and kiss my arms." Swoon! 

One of my favorite lessons about revenge [and recovering from it] was taught to me by a really kind young man, Hank*. Hank was required by the court to seek counseling and he came to my office. He was a father of four young kids and recently his wife had left him for another man, who was supposedly a friend, and ironically a member of their church. It happens. His response was to fume, then plead, then---when neither of those options worked, after many months of separation from his wife and children, he impulsively took to revenge.  The happy new couple were building a home not far from where Hank was living without his wife and children. My client took matters into his own hands with a bulldozer. Ramming the partially built home to pieces felt great until he was caught and charged with destruction of property. Humbled and honest, he plead guilty immediately. Lucky for him, he got an understanding judge who offered him restitution, counseling and supervised visitation with his kids. No jail time. More impressive was this man took this humbling blow to his ego as a wake up call to change his life. Getting even he learned was not all it's cracked up to be, there often are horrible consequences.

The inspiring part of his story is how much he valued his children and would do literally anything required of him to be back in their lives as a full time father. Hank put his feelings aside and stepped up to be a responsible mature man. He was more casual prior to this incident about his wife and kids.  The other blessing was he was in a church that really was based on love and understanding. His congregation fully embraced him and he faithfully attended all the "fellowship" meetings.  Sometimes it takes a fellowship to raise a father.

The Liberty Bell

You'll never get ahead of anyone was long as you're trying to get even with them.            Lou Holtz 

Our country is divided and that puts stress into each of our lives.  People who are naïve have been taken advantage of. I brook no excuses for taking advantage and lying to people who are vulnerable or delusional. The last president, although he knew that he'd lost, became the world's biggest sore loser. Where was the humility and the wake up call like Hank had to change his life? Instead of being gracious and inspiring to those who voted for him, he whined to to his base that they must believe his lies. [And, oh yes, please send money.] Sadly his voters continue to contribute to his delusional failings. Worse, hard resentful feelings were created against the newly elected Biden presidency. It's so disgraceful that many politicians continue to choose lies over  the truth. Liz Cheney says it's a sad state we're in because "we're electing idiots".  Although that's a funny statement, the consequences are profoundly awful. Some states are electing people ill equipped to run a preschool never mind a state. Would you really rehire someone who believes it's okay to pout, whine after they lost a race? Why is it okay to elect people who are furthering frustration, advancing falsehoods and encouraging anxiety? From a psychological point of view this is comparable to abuse and gas lighting. 

Living well is the best revenge.         

                                     George Herbert 

In my life,  I've encouraged and sometime pleaded with my clients, to let go of things you can't control. In other words, difficult things are part of living. Choosing to live life to the max, always taking into consideration what is best for you, your family and our country is the best choice.  Eliminating the need for revenge through thoughtful action is important. When your mind is focused on getting even who's really being effected? You. Certainly not the person you're trying to one up or retaliate against. Again, I must add, I consider it a sacred duty to stand up to liars as well as abusers. Hence voting out idiots and liars is imperative.

*Hank, of course is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

 

Small Town Therapist on Being a Good Sport

When I was pregnant with my first son I applied and had gotten a job with Seattle Parks and Recreation.  My husband and I were graduate students, he was accepted to the Urban Planning department at U of Washington and I'd been accepted at Ryther Children's Center part of the U of Wa. I felt it necessary to tell them I was with child, only two months and I didn't "show". Naturally, true to the times, they rescinded their offer of a graduate school position. I realize today that would never happen, would it? 

So for the interview with Seattle P & R I wised up and kept my mouth shut about the pregnancy and the impending birth. When I did get my courage up and confessed my pregnancy to Seattle P & R they were just glad to have a young woman who could work with the 20 or so Developmentally Disabled "kids" [they were all older than me] enthusiastically. I was particularly qualified having worked with developmentally disabled kids at Little City in Palatine, Il. Qualified to teach sports? My 'sport' during high school was water ballet, not exactly a transferable activity for this job.

I truly loved all of these kids and we played all kinds of games: baseball, basketball, and bowling. I was familiar with two of these sports having played baseball and basketball in high school. I was not gifted in either of these sports to say the least. As for bowling perhaps I had played once. For these teaching jobs I went to various parks throughout the Seattle area and as a newbie to the region, it was an excellent way for me to learn to navigate my new city. As the months grew, so did I. Looking decidedly like I was carrying a watermelon in my eighth month of pregnancy I was sent to teach bowling to the kids. I didn't hesitate to jump into something I knew absolutely nothing about as I figured correctly, neither did the kids. Well, picture if you will this 5'2'' young woman holding the bowling ball parallel to her enormous midsection and winding up for the strike. Yes, I created a sensation. A crowd formed to witness my gutter ball. Did that embarrass me or upset the kids? Not in the slightest. These kids were the definition of good sports: willing, eager, respectful and had a positive attitude. The crowd and I had a good chuckle at my condition and the kids proved to be happy just to try something new. I believed then as now, if you possess no dignity to lose, you lose no dignity. Better to have fun and enjoy yourself and that's exactly what the kids and I did that day and every day. Plus we had the opportunity to amuse people who might have avoided the kids. I believe I even garnered some assistants to help with my bowling "teammates".  

If at first you don't succeed, then maybe skydiving isn't for you.  Anon

I have applied this lesson to many other situations which could, and sometimes did, prove embarrassing. Because my sons and husband--- many years ago--- wanted to compete in a "fun run" prior to the county fair I agreed, not to be left out, to enter the race as well. I don't run and certainly had not a second of training but I was game. All ages lined up at the start, I dawdling toward the back of the pack. The gun fired and we were off. I thought "I'll walk and pleasantly talk to my fellow dawdlers" but I couldn't. Up ahead were my husband and sons and I was being passed by people much older than me. "That's just not going to happen", she foolishly said.  I took off running for all I was worth. Uphill and down hill I ran at a good clip for the five miles of the fun run. Did I win a medal? Did I catch up to my husband and sons? No and no. But I felt exhilarated at the finish line. Reality and embarrassment set in hours later when I could hardly walk--- the aches, pain and soreness a new regrettable experience. The lesson learned: if I'm going to participate in a sporting event, decide before hand if I want to pay the consequence of being ill prepared. Otherwise, best to not whine, be a good sport and simply enjoy whatever you're doing. 

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on True Women Heroes

Undoubtedly you have seen or become aware of the cover of Sports Illustrated which is so proud of itself!  It has 81 year old Martha Stewart on the cover of it's swimsuit issue. Copious magazines strutted proudly when they had Maye Musk in their Cover Girl ads. I'm somewhat amused by this, don't they realize how literally silly this is? What these two women have in common is: vast wealth, copious servants, daily spas, routine injections with all the trimmings from their personal dermatologists who they have on speed dial. Then they have fabulous trainers and of course, exquisite food delivered to them. Have I missed anything? These companies are believe they are honoring older women as heroes--- but  really they aren't. Martha and Maye represent only the minutest fraction of women in this country. Martha and Maye represent only the women of enormous privilege. 

I realize, this is nothing that new. Hollywood and television stars are constantly touted as fabulous in the looks department and sometimes for their charitable deeds. Is it foolish of me to ask this question: why don't these magazines write the checks to women who are great looking, in their upper seventies and eighties who actually need the money for the modeling job? That would exclude those that take draconian measures to insure they look fifteen years younger than their given age. These good women who I'm thinking of simply can't afford it and furthermore I doubt they'd sign up for voluntary pain. I personally have quite a few heroic women as candidates for modeling jobs in mind. You probably do too. Ordinary and beautiful women but they're not famous. Ah but does that sell magazines? Isn't money always the bottom line in magazines?

Mom at 87

This may shock you but I don't know Martha or Maye so I'm only hoping that with their fabulous wealth they accepted these modeling jobs and gave the money to charities. I had "contempt prior to investigation" for Maye Musk [because her son is mostly contemptable] but no surprise I was wrong. She has been a successful model since she was in her late twenties. Martha has also been a model in the past and from what I read is very charitable.

I have a humble suggestion that I'm sure the all the magazines of this country are eager to hear. Why not support the women of this country who are under siege? There are women heroes out there of a certain age who are vibrant, passionate and lovely. These are the good teachers defending their classroom from gun nuts and book banners. Put these brave women on the covers of The Atlantic, or the New Yorker! How about our dear trust worthy Librarians on the cover of Forbes or Business week? They are currently defending our right to read any book you choose. You get my drift. This county needs to celebrate our ordinary women heroes who are under attack.

As for Sport's Illustrated, there's an opportunity to promote several of the more youthful, very glamorous pregnant women who are literally in mortal danger with risky pregnancies. These beleaguered pregnant women live in one of the obtuse states that hates women enough to threaten their lives. No choice for any care from a Doctor or hospital if the pregnancy continues to go south.

Mom and I at the Art Museum

Sad to say most businesses are too cowardly to support these good women afraid--- of the very loud white men, and some white women who oppose our freedoms of speech [you're allowed to read only the books they approve of] and choice [you can't have privacy with your doctor to choose decisions about your own body]. 

Just as there has been an anti-women movement in this country [oh, Roe vs Wade where are you], there is also an anti teacher, anti children [except for your very own] and an anti age bias rearing it's ugly head. Enough! Aren't we all sick of the fear mongering?

Time to stop complaining and time to take action. Read banned books, love your teachers and librarians! While your at it, remember it's none of your business if a person believes they've been assigned the wrong body. It's also none of your business if a pregnant woman chooses a course of action about an unsuccessful pregnancy. Bless and honor these women.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Becoming a Worthy Elder

 

These days you either look great for your age or you're dead. Anonymous 

When you cease to make a contribution you start to die.   Eleanor Roosevelt 

I'm almost ten days out from my hip replacement surgery and the relief of not being constantly bothered by 'sister pain' is welcome and wonderful. A big thanks to all of you who wrote kind notes, brought me meals and sent encouragement. Love you all. 

An operation of any kind, with heavy duty anesthesia, can knock the stuffing out of anyone and leave them pondering their future, as much as is-- god willing-- left. 

Even though I got the stuffing knocked out of me I'm in good spirits, home and being lovingly taken care of by my darling caregiver, Mr. G. The road to surgery was filled with painful pot holes [7 to 8 regularly on the pain scale] and I'm so glad that I can rate my level of pain in the 2 or 3s on the scale of 10 as the worst. Such a relief. How fortunate I am to have my excellent caretaker, the fabulous surgeon and all his assistants and all my family and friends. Lucky, I know, to have had the surgery.

I was desperate to be out of pain and I sincerely sympathize with anyone who has pain as their chronic and constant companion. 'Sister age' can be painful and often is accompanied by 'sister chronic pain'. Our society doesn't really want to hear about struggles that don't have happy endings. So far, I'm living a happy ending but I'm not kidding myself,  I also realize that I'm closer to the end of life than the beginning and so there may be more trials, tribulations and pain ahead. I would love to think this is the last surgery or hospitalization I will ever have. Lovely thought. 

hold each other dear the rewards are great

Babies are such a nice way to start people.         Don Herold

Our society is so desperate to "staying young" at all costs. There's almost a greed attached to that phrase "staying young" and first of all it's a lie. If you're in your sixties, seventies and up, you can't be young. I'm asking myself  what's a good solution to abhorring old age?  The humble idea I've come up with, is: why not work on being an enthusiastic, wise, and worthy elder. I want to be the elder who is kind, humorous and generous to my family, friends, community, country and the world. I'll give all of myself away to the service of humanity. This blog is my little attempt to start the great give away.

I am nearly ten years older than my Dad who died at 67, and the same for my Grandfather. My mother's side did age considerably longer, almost all died in their eighties. What impresses me now is none of my elders struggled with the inevitability of growing old, they took it as a rite of passage. They embraced aging as natural. Our generation somehow got conned into thinking that the '60's are the new 50's, '90's are the new 70s'! and wants to ignore all the ramifications of aging. I have one thing to say about how successful that will be-- not. We simply can't ignore the aging stage in life. The media  and social media are no help. They consistently go crazy for those who make the 100 year old mark, the Centerians. Sure, their numbers are growing with better nutrition, more health care, but you must have noticed that most of these people in the over 100 year old camp are just existing. There are the few charming examples of people working and helping others into their very old age but that is decidedly not what's in the assisted living homes.  

Trisha, Sally. Me, Kathleen

Old age, especially honored old age, has so great authority, that this is of more value than all the pleasures of youth.              Cicero

As far as I can tell we haven't come close to honoring our elders even though there's plenty of lip service out there proclaiming that we do care about the elderly. Tax cuts are for the privileged, all enjoyed for the benefit of the already wealthy. Yet taxing springs to mind as a very viable way to help out various ills of our society. But heaven forbid we tax these people, most of whom inherited their wealth. Where is the wisdom, the kindness, the generosity for humanity? It's decidedly absent. In other words without taxing those that have way, way more than enough money, we are enabling greed and these people are avoiding becoming worthy elders. I realize that this is falling on deaf ears, and "yet she persisted".

You never know what's 'round the bend...                                                          Sally Milici

I'm all for people aging in place if they are lucky enough to do so, however let me acknowledge that sometimes people can do just about everything right and still die or become debilitated through injury or illness. My sister Kathleen is an example. Yes, she ate impeccably, exercised, read inspiring literature, played music every day and still she died of a heart attack at 67 years old. A life force gone forever. The same is true for my dear brother in law Dirk Milici, dead of cancer at 58.  "You never know what's 'round the bend; you never know when it can end" says sister Sally Milici in one of her great songs about Time. Pay attentions to the things that really matter in life every day, and live every day as though it is your last. Then you too can join the ranks of becoming a worthy elder.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout 

Small Town Therapist on a Human Endangered Species

 

This may come as no surprise to you but it's not just the bees and the bumble bees that are facing the danger zone, being listed as endangered species. There is a good case to be made for the teachers and students who are becoming more endangered and vulnerable. These good people are literally risking their lives to the ineptitude of Congress----who fail to act on banning assault weapons.. For a moment look up the statistic on how many shootings there have been in our schools in the past nineteen years since 2004. This was when the assault weapons ban was lifted. I'll save you the trouble: 304 children have died and 300,000 children have experienced repercussions of gun violence. This sounds like a statistic for an active war and I believe it is. We are being held hostage by a minority of people who believe that this is acceptable for ordinary citizens to be armed with weapons designed to kill thousands. Live armed and die.

 
Honestly, most animals care for their young with greater care and concern than we humans are giving to our children and fellow citizens. Can we please stop this nonsense? Yes, of course!  If the all concerned and caring citizens rose up and demanded that the ban for assault weapons go into effect all over this country. Yes, there will still be this gut wrenching number of guns out there in all parts of America. But, think. In every community where there has been an organized 'buy back' of assault weapons the results have been impressive. Many. many people willingly want to rid themselves of weapons of mass destruction. These are the sane people whose thinking hasn't been warped by the NRA. Someone always mentions, yes, but the hunters... Seriously, hunting with a machine gun? You know that's disgusting and an actual joke. Are hunters truly that inept? Real hunters don't use weapons of mass destruction.

People do not feel safer with a gun. Nor should they. Read about the incidences of accidental home shootings and also the suicides. A very sad fact is that a gun doesn't improve safety or even security. Another appalling fact is when a gun is handy the temptation to use it is overwhelming especially to males, young and old. Suicides and accidental shootings most often occur when a gun is not locked up safely. Then witness the nuttiness of some people in Congress proudly posing with their guns--- to show what? How caring they are about humans? How about the opposite.

Speaking of taking away guns, [actually just the ones designed to kill humans in vast numbers], you'll live, literally. Those of us who value children, teachers, neighbors, people of color and women are just trying to give people a chance to thrive. It would be lovely to go back to being unafraid of these stupid slaughters. Again, why should we be held hostage to unjustifiable murders?

It's disheartening to me that some very intelligent people have basically thrown up their hands and said, 'we've lost this battle' due to the huge number of guns in this country. Someone jokingly proposed that we send all of our accumulated assault weapons to Ukraine. I thought "hey, seriously, that's a brilliant idea, the Ukrainians are in an actual righteous war against Russia who is trying to steal their land and also horribly are kidnapping their babies". Hateful government. Send them the weapons. Think of the heartache it would save our poor beleaguered country and the dollars saved to do this act of kindness.

I believe the point of this blog post today is to plead with all rational people to support the ban on assault weapons. Don't give up. To quote Winston Churchill "never, never, never give up."

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist: Here We Go Again

 

Hopefully she has some good people for her recovery

I never casually sign up for voluntary pain, [eg. cosmetic surgery to improve the inevitable wrinkles]. That's one of the reasons that I fought not have another total hip replacement surgery. I had the first hip done in 2012. Here's a brief list of the methods I employed to fight the inevitable:

1. I read and re read John Sarno's book Healing Back Pain in the mistaken belief that I was faking all this pain.
2. I distracted myself from the pain mentally with loving thoughts, ignoring the the pain, pushing through the pain, giving myself stern talkings to...
3. I distracted myself physically with breathing techniques, yoga, acupuncture, bike riding, hikes and physical therapy.
4. I took copious vitamins, herbs like turmeric, rubs like arnica, CBD lotions, medications like aspirin, Tylenol and Aleve.
5. I saw doctors: my primary care physician, a Rheumatoligist.
6. I submitted to X rays.
7. I got two professional opinions from orthopedic surgeons.

I finally faced the truth, as my chosen surgeon said, "nothing you could have done and nothing short of the total hip replacement is going to take the pain away," news for me and my poor little degenerated hip bone. So I scheduled surgery. I did not hesitate as I had done with the first surgery ten years ago.  Horribly, due to the pandemic, there was a tremendous backlog of patients basically for all surgeons. At first,  the earliest date was six months out. Grim. But I was hopeful and persistent and got a somewhat earlier date due to a cancellation. Still, the wait has been difficult. Pain increasingly awful and then inability to walk more than several yards instead of miles. The big ouch on a daily basis.

Once I had the date for surgery, as was true ten years ago, I was handed a binder called "My Joint Journey" [I am not making this up]. In it was the lush detail of how to prepare for surgery, how to prepare your house, the very necessary exercises that they recommended prior to surgery and  after surgery. Not exactly stimulating reading unless you're about to voluntarily go under the knife.

Things change. I went from the most reluctant candidate for surgery to the most impatient. Not being able to walk very far greatly influenced my turn around. I was reminded of this when, years ago, I witnessed my cat who ordinarily turned tail and ran at the sight of the cat carrier, actually walked into it after his last fight with the local bully racoon. Then the very good Mr. G took him to the vet to get patched up with hardly a guttural protest of a meow. Goes to show that when you need care, you want it ASAP. I lucked out --- someone cancelled and I got in for  this upcoming surgery two months earlier than was originally scheduled.

I knew that I was in the best of hands, I'd used this good doctor for the surgery 10 years ago. So again, my logical brain has finally kicked in to comfort me. This happens when I board an airplane, I always say to myself, "I can't fly this plane so I surrender all control to the pilot." My surgeon, a jewel of a man, radiates enthusiasm and confidence. Believe me that helps enormously. He's my pilot, I surrender control to him.

The night before surgery we'll stay with my son's family and that is always a treat and comforting. 

After surgery, I've decided that I'll spend one night in the hospital. Because we live so far away, it is condoned, thank goodness. Mostly these days they kick the recipient of this surgery out that very day. My doctor said "most people really want to go home to their own beds". Well, if I lived in the area that might be a keen idea. 

The hospital experience last time was excellent, it is a well oiled machine with caring professional nurses. I kept jokingly saying to the nurses that this was "my spa experience" and part of me was absolutely serious. OK, no mani/pedis or facials or massages but loving attention and concern about me and my experience in the hospital. Hoping this will still be the case.

This time I am eager and hopeful. At home I have also been very cautious, just like when Covid was raging. I'm not leaving my home and instead have had tea parties with all my girlfriends, individually, all meetings outside. Gratefully the weather has cooperated.

I'm not lonely I have Mr. G who is so caring and kind and with the tea parties I have tons of support from my friends. Win/win. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2023 Susan R. Grout 

Small Town Therapist on Dealing with Forced Inactivity

 

in days of yore

 

 See everything: overlook a great deal: correct a little.                            Pope John XXIII

For every problem [evil] under the sun there is a remedy or there is none. If there is one then go and find it; if there is none then never mind it.   Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme, me omitting evil.  Susan Grout

Everything in my usual very active world has come to somewhat of a halt. Granted I have high hopes that this nagging, achy hip will be gone after my surgery later in the next month. Currently I'm unable to walk very far, My reality of walking is now in terms of yards instead of  miles without pain, my body screaming at me to stop. In a word, yuck.

Believe me, I know it sounds bratty to complain when I am among the fortunate ones who are able to even have surgery. I realize there are people all over this country and in the world who are not so fortunate as I. I keep reminding myself of this as I mutter and groan my way throughout the day.  Pain is no one's best friend but I must cope as Ms. Pain has set up camp in my body for quite awhile now. Not fun. 

Ordinarily on this beautiful, but chilly, Spring afternoon I'd have already taken a walk and would be outside working in my garden. Not to be--- boo hoo for me.

What also bothers me the most is one of my tragic flaws: my continual need to be not only busy but also productive. I could/should be writing a song, writing more scintillating essays for this blog than whining that I can't do anything. And I could be making art! I am not a crafty person, nor am I an artist. I just visited a dear friend who has the most incredible craft room, the equivalent of a Santa's workshop that she happily inhabits each day and creates beautiful and functional art. A true artist. I gaze but nothing about crafts sparks my interest. It does look fun and fulfilling though. Actually, I'm the only non artist among my siblings, they got the artistic gene and I got...arthritis. Hey!

My husband just pointed out that music is art and I have written many songs, some of which are actually good. So shut up, right?

The meaning of good and bad, of better or worse, is simply helping or hurting.               Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.      

Theodore Roosevelt 

 

So, am I whining? A little. Am I frustrated? A lot. To compensate for my sometimes churlish behavior due to the grumpiness of pain I am constructing really great meals for the long suffering Mr. G. He has been a champ and caring and understanding; the true meaning of a helpmate. I have so much to be grateful for in my life but secretly--- grousing does help. Good? Bad? You be the judge.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout