Thoughts on Gender

Years ago I was working with a woman whose cousin had a sex change operation and went from being a man [Marv*] to becoming a woman [Mary]. Now here's where it gets verbally tricky and what my client, in all sincerity, came to the office to asked me. "Then as Mary, she/he fell in love with Pam*. They were both delighted with each other."  So, she said, "this begs the question, does that make Mary/Marv a lesbian?" See? Tricky, even the pronouns become difficult. Same equation goes for the man I read about in "Oprah's magazine" who underwent a sex change operation. He said "all of my life I felt I was in the wrong body". The 'new' she was still living with his/her wife and their kids in San Francisco. Does this mean that he's/she's now a lesbian? That kind of sums up the whole silliness and uproar about homosexuality and same sex marriage, doesn't it? Even Pope Francis said, "who am I to judge" about homosexuals. Really think about it, you love who you love. As long as the relationship is truly loving who's business is it but your own. 

I was a better man as a woman with a woman than I was as a man with a woman...                                                         from the film Tootsie 

After watching "Tootsie", a film made in 1982, I came away with many thoughts on gender and thought again about the stories above. I asked myself, how gender affected us then and also what's changed for the better in the 32 years since this film was made.

For those of you who have not seen it I highly recommend it. The plot: an out of work actor [Dustin Hoffman] in desperation [and defiance of his talent agent- Sydney Pollack] dresses as a woman to get the part of "Dorothy"on a soap. He's hired and then tied into this role in more ways than one. He finds that he has to act like a southern woman with this caveat: he can't stop being his assertive self. He really can't and doesn't tolerate the sexism that is around him on the set. It's funny and lovely to watch him/her give the sexist men the what-for. When he falls in love with one of the female characters [Jessica Lange] on the soap and he finds he wants to be with her, even if just as a friend. His whole perspective and world get shaken up by becoming a "woman".

Because he is really a man he doesn't apologize or think in terms of being "less than" as so many women do. He states the obvious like, "keep your hands off me" and lectures the boss about calling him/her "Tootsie". What I see as progress is that 'Dorothy's' behavior in 1982 was daring, today many women take that kind of assertiveness for granted.

You've got to be taught 

To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a different shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

Rogers and Hammerstein from South Pacific

What has gotten better, and it will get better still, is less prejudice and judgement on people's sex life and choices of mates. Remember in 1982, there were loads of states that wouldn't allow people of different races to legally marry. In 2012 The Defense of Marriage Act was ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court and more and more states are allowing same sex couples to tie the knot. Ruination had been predicted but, surprisingly no disaster has befallen any of these states that recognize marriage for same sex couples. This is a big change for the better since '82, prejudices are falling by the wayside. Another thing, just as little children are color blind and our country is becoming more so, the new generation of kids finds nothing odd or awful about having two mommies or two daddies. See, it's all about love. There are so many children who need as much love as they can get, two mommies, two daddies... who cares as long as it's loving.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.                               Margaret Thatcher

We have a long way to go, there still are an underwhelming amount of women in politics and the men in charge see fit to not include them in discussion of woman's health, need I say more? 

*All names have been fiddled with

susansmagicfeather 2014 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Problem with Black and White Thinking

Families have the right to life

Anything forced into manifestation through personal will is always "ill got" and has "ever bad success."                    Florence Scovel Shinn

This week there were repeated protests to the Roe vs. Wade law and a woman's right to privacy with her doctor and her right to choose. I was remembering that several years ago, in 2014, I heard on the news about the tragic story of the Munoz family in Texas who were being forced by their hospital, and their state, to keep their brain dead wife and daughter artificially alive. The story became more horrifying: the fetus inside her, at 22 weeks of age [this started when she was only 14 weeks pregnant] was tragically, terribly malformed with hydrocephalus, deemed to be not viable outside of the womb.

None of the family wanted this sad situation to continue and  pleaded with the hospital to respect their wishes and to take Marlise Munoz off the ventilators. Because of the Texas laws, and the timidity of the hospital, which do not take into account these sad circumstances, this family faces a compounded tragedy. 

This saddened and puzzled me. I would like to hear from the people who are confirmed in their stance of "right to life". How do the right to lifers suggest there is any hint of human compassion and kindness for this family? The Munoz family has been in a state of grief and agony for more than two months, because of the absurd Texas law. Again where is the compassion and kindness?

Finally, two days later good sense and kindness prevailed, a Texas judge ordered the ventilators turned off by Monday. Thank goodness for a kind and rational judge. That nightmare finally came to an end for the Munoz family.

 I ask you--- with all the 'right to lifers' out there attempting to stop any woman who is wanting an abortion, [by creating laws that interfere with a woman's right to choose], do you think that this kind of nuttiness is going to stop? I don't. It is up to all rational and kind people to speak up and defend the rights of families and especially woman to make their own medical choices.

What is ironic [and also cruel] is the very people who angrily spout the rights of fetuses suddenly are silent, with drawing all of their support, once the fetus becomes a baby. Then their backs are turned. They say, "it is up to the new mother to take care" whether she can afford it or not. Remember some of these "women" are little girls who have been raped by relatives. Where is the compassion?

Then, are the 'right to lifers' going to help pay for the upkeep of children severely deformed that could have been aborted?  You know the answer to that. They only desire their black and white rules that "all life is sacred". Ah, but after the child is born then it's the family's responsibility no matter what the potential life cost. No help, no compassion for the family or especially for the new mother who didn't want, and/or couldn't care for another child.

Remember, I was a therapist for over 40 years and I found it so interesting that the rigid fundamentalists who so vehemently opposed abortion were first in line with their newly pregnant 15 year old daughters. Then the rules and rigidity only apply to the poor, not to their family. 

How much bondage and suffering a woman escapes when she takes the liberty of being her own physician of both body and soul.                            Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Many years ago, I had to have a therapeutic abortion when I was carrying a dead fetus in body and it was a gut wrenching decision. I was so grateful that I was in a hospital that didn't send me home to let the fetus "abort naturally". Carrying a dead fetus is very hard and so sad. I can only imagine what it would have been like for my husband if I had to wait two months for that to happen. 

Can't we have states in this country that have a gentler, kinder attitude toward woman, families and their choices? Why must we elect people who do not value the right of privacy between a woman and her Doctor? Let this sad case of the Munoz family be a lesson to the rigidity and cruelty of black and white thinking in human affairs. 

Support the right of a woman's privacy with her own doctor and of course, a woman's right to choose. As they say if you oppose abortion, don't have one. How about if you oppose Viagra?

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 and revises 2018 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Bibliotherapy for Greater Wisdom

Two of the grands know the value of a good engrossing book

...Your mind is not your own. It is a gift from nature and it is imperative to use it positively, constructively. To do otherwise, to use it for worry, anger or negativity is to abuse the mighty gift.
Hua Ching Ni

We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers our actions run as causes and return to us as results.
Herman Melville

I am a reader and it gives me the greatest pleasure, comfort and solace. Reading has opened worlds to me, to other's dreams and ideas, to sympathies for people I will never met or know, to ones who may not even exist. Now all four of my grandchildren are readers [ages 8 to 12] and we're embarking on the most tantalizing of journeys: the journey into worlds that are different and possibly more complex than our own. Our only equipment we need for these distant ports is our eyes, sufficient light, a comfortable spot, some quiet and lots of snacks. The treats and the treasures await us with the right books and I'm a true believer that those that say "I really don't enjoy reading," just haven't stumbled upon the right books. I watch this phenomena occur before my eyes in my office when I hear that stale retort from clients. I quiz them on where their interests lay and then I throw out about half a dozen titles to try. Always successful? Well, no, but the successes keep me as hooked as one of those dreadful match makers. It's such a high when it does work. Then the love affair can really begin.

I saw a woman a couple of years ago, "TT" who came to me and she was so depressed, she rarely got out of her house and didn't feel like calling any of her friends. We got to talking and after several sessions I asked her what she was reading. "Nothing, I just haven't found anything that interesting." The gauntlet had been thrown, ladies and gents. "Well, have you tried Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos?"  I ventured this one because she was familiar with Seattle, in her late sixties and when she was well, she loved people. Dear readers, this is all that it took. She said, "I've never read a better book, do you have any other titles." "O, about 5,000", I thought and said, "sure, how about Water for Elephants." When last I saw her she was with an old friend, had contacted her relatives and was traveling to see them and she was happy. Coincidence? I think the counseling had a pallative effect, but giving someone back the delicious joy of falling head long into a book--- delightful. It almost feels like cheating, she gives me credit and I in turn must give credit where credit is due to Sarah Gruen, Stephanie Kallos and the scads of other authors who opened up this woman's life.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker

My rule for books is 100 pages if I'm feeling generous, especially if it has come recommended by someone whose judgement I trust. If I'm not enthralled, I use the Dorothy Parker method and out it goes. If I'm not at all engaged the rule changes to 50 pages.  So let's get right down to my suggestions that I have for people, truly mostly women. I rely on Mr. G for suggestions for my male clients, he leans toward non fiction, history [which can be fiction], biographies and science. In no particular order:

1. Mama Day, Gloria Naylor
2. Seabiscuit, Laura Hillenbrand
3. Cutting for Stone, Abraham Verseighe
4. Mountain after Mountain, Tracy Kidder
5. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
6. Out Stealing Horses, Per Petterson
7. Never Change, Elizabeth Berg
8. The Ice Queen, Alice Hoffman
9. Straight Man, Nobody's Fool, Mohawk all three by Richard Russo
10. After All These Years, Susan Isaacs
11. Out of Africa, Seven Gothic Tales both by Isak Dinesen
12. Life After Life by Kate Atkinson
13. The Orchardist by Amy Copley
14. Heft by Liz Moore
15. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstein
16. The Boys in the Boat by Daniel 
17. The Fault in our Stars by John Green
18. Longbourn by Jo Baker
19. I Still Dream of You, Fannie Flagg also Fried Green Tomatoes
20. The Help, Katherine Stockett
21. True Grit, Charles Portis
22. Good to a Fault, a Canadian author
23. Major Pettigrew's Last Stand
24. Most anything by MFK Fisher for those who like to cook
25. Here are selective suggestions for mystery fans: GM Ford's series starts with  Who the Hell is Juan de Fuca; Elizabeth George's books, to be read in order; Sara Paretsky; the Maisie Dobbs series by Jacqueling Winspear and many, many more.

This is getting a bit silly and I honestly believe I could be at this all night, so instead I will bid you all a fond good night, and hopefully you will snuggle up with a good book. Let the invisible threads and the positive thoughts abound in your head and then go out and spread the joy.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

I Urge You to Vote Against Hatred and Bigotry

My siblings, my niece and I singing at our  Mother's memorial

Just read a fascinating article from my college's magazine about how the KKK terrorized the University of Dayton back in the 1920's. It struck me, the irony of the KKK's tactics was their form of terror: they burnt a CROSSES on the campus lawn. Why has no one ever mentioned the sheer stupidity of a group of men who used a holy symbol of Christ dying on a cross as a form of terror? In their initiation ceremonies these befuddled men prayed and only allowed Protestants to enter their "knighthood". I found it amusing to see pictures of grown men dressed as nuns with pointed caps marching in a parade down the streets of Dayton, Ohio. To bad I wasn't around to point and laugh.Were people too afraid to make them objects of ridicule? Guess so. More frightening, did the populace at the time agree with the egregiousness of their actions?

UD is a Catholic university and the KKKs were targeting it and many other religious universities across the country in the late 19th and early 20th century. They were, like the brotherhood of the Nazis, also of course, terrorizing the people of color: black, brown, yellow, Jewish folks, homosexuals and immigrants. How I wish that the racism, hatred and terrorism of those early days was a thing of the past. It's not, there are still small enclaves of white supremacists*. Obama's elections brought some them out lathering at the mouth---sadly looking like rabid dogs. 

As for immigrants, for example, Mitt Romney's Dad was born in Mexico and therefore was an immigrant. To my knowledge,  no one made a big deal of it. Obama was born in Hawaii and whoosh, "birthers" were convinced that there was some skulduggery going on. Seems he was the wrong color for Hawaii or the religious right or the tea party. 

So why do I believe that the tea party and the religions right have taken a page from the KKK? Here are a few examples:

1. They use their "Christian" religion as a weapon and deride other faiths as somehow suspicious. What would Jesus say?
2. They believe that the 'separation of church and state' is a myth. A quote from Bob Jones of BJ University [?].
3. Racist remarks are a frequent form of attack especially from Rush Limbaugh, know for his right wing stance. He recently said, "Obama can put on a Negro dialect when he wants to." Huh? Your point? So can I put on a multitude of accents.
4. Some of their followers protesting the Affordable Care Act [AKA Obamacare] held signs saying, "get your government out of my Medicare!" The stupid award goes to...I ask you.
5. Their followers enormously approve of the crass remarks made by Rush Limbaugh, [felon and known misogynist] whose latest gaff was stating that the deep freeze in the mid west and east coast was caused by the liberal press. Excuuuse me? Does the press have powers that I'm not aware of?
6. The Tea Party Republicans have gerrymandered parts of the south to skew the voting so that it favors their candidates, they were thrilled when the Supreme Court tampered with the Voting Rights Act. The Democrats still won the '12 election.
7. They have terrorized older folks at the polls, demanding proof of ID and then not allowing them to vote. Some of these old folks had been voting for over 60 years. 
8. They have encouraged the 'right to lifers' to get in the face of women going for abortions. As if these women weren't traumatized enough, then they're harassed by these 'Christians'.
9. Bob Carlson right winger and council man from Ohio last year sent out a racist email for Christmas and when it came to light he replied, "I thought it was funny." Speechless.
10. Paul Broun a Republican House Rep. from Georgia [who is a creationist who all believe dinosaurs are a hoax] stated that Democrats and liberals "want to legalize illegal aliens so they can get on welfare and take over Georgia." Hmmm, has he been probed? Or better, what has he been smoking?

The KKK stokes the rage of men with hatred and fear, and from this last presidential election I believe that is exactly what the Tea Party and the religious right have tried to do. Happily it didn't work. Let's make sure it never works. Don't vote for hatred. 

Two movies come to mind that had the correct idea about combating racism: "The Producers" by Mel Brooks that satirized Hitler and "O, Brother Where Art Thou" by the Coen Brothers that lampooned the ridiculousness of the KKK. One of the most powerful weapons that can be used, as proven by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, is humor, pointing out the silliness that still exists in this country. The other weapon is the gift of education. Remember any educated man and woman knows that the only verifiable words that Jesus spoke [and I believe he was a Christian] are "love one another". That message just doesn't jive with the hatred and fear mongering that's out there.

We must all be brave and stand up and at least point and laugh at the ridiculousness of extreme messages that encourage people to hate and fear. Please feel free to pass this message or any other message along urging people to vote against hatred and bigotry.

*P.S I was enormously tickled to read an article that a man who is one of the most famous white supremacists had his DNA sampled only to discover that he is 1/16 black. That folks, is worthy of show-biz.


susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Pictorial Wrap Up of 2013

I am great at finding pictures that captured some of the high points of last year and lousy at having them in numerical order, so bare with me. I do find it amusing that my last post was on procrastination...here it is the 9th and I intended to do this by the 1st. See if you can find #1 and then proceed. Love to all.

There was so much good in the past year and yet I'm of the camp that believes that pictures are worth a thousand words, so here is my summation of 2013 in pictures. To all that I didn't send a Christmas card [fact, I sent only to who sent me a card], Merriest and Happiest in 2014!

15. Christmas was splendid especially with the grands.

10. Went to a grade school reunion, love to see those faces and catch up! 

9. Leaving guitar camp singing on the ferry

14. Love our Friday lunches and the friends

8. Got to be with my sisters many times this year, here prior to Guitar camp

12. Gorgeous New England and a great Grout reunion

13. Had a few [20] for Thanksgiving and we loved it!

11. Philadelphia to see Steve Grout, good time despite the annoyance of the stupid "gov. shut down".

1.

1.We started off the year with Mom's humble request that we take her to Hawaii, too bad that it was her ashes. Mom would have loved everything we did, the fabulous fish dinners, the warmth, the water. We gave her a good send-off.

2. We are so lucky to be able to see our grandkids several times through out the year, here in February at the de Young.

3.  Another wonderful time at Thanksjuning

4. My darling sweet Rufus was failing when I came home from Thanksjuning so sadly we had to put him down.

5. Groutfest 2014 the kids being silly with their cousins

6. An extra treat this year at Groutfest, our friend's zip line which ended  in their pond!

7. Two of our grands are three days apart

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved