I Was Right When I Said I was Wrong

Consider the lilies of the field, or at least the mums and cabbages...

You can be right or you can be happy. Choose.      Anonymous

Once upon a time, my husband and I overheard this conversation: nine year old son, "hey that's not true." Eleven year old son, "well, I was right when I said I was wrong." Since that fateful day Mr. G and I have used that expression to soften the blow of being completely in error. Try it, it works and it's funny to boot---two of my favorite actions.

Maturity, for most of us, is a process of aging if you pay attention to the lessons in life and do it well. For some of us, the process is hampered by rigidity, addiction and/or fear. These people, you know who they are, always have to be right. This is a drag to be around and worse to live with someone who's like this. At best it's an irritant and annoying, at worst it's incredibly disrespectful and frustrating. One remarkable similarity that most abusive people have is their rigidity and insistance on being right all of the time.

When someone is always right, it tends to wear the people around them down. Now, if this is a friend, it's considerably easier to outmaneuver them:

1. You can merely pretent to agree, decide that they are wrong and not get into it,
2. you can divert the conversation to something else,
3. you could choose to ignore them or
4. you could decide to politely state, "that's what you think, but I disagree" and let the matter drop.

If this is a good friend, one of these tactics usually works. If one of these suggestions doesn't work and the person doggedly pursues the topic ad nauseum, well, I'd look for another friend. Life is too short, as they say, but life can be deeper and wider and you won't find it with annoying people in your life. Simple solution...

Things get a bit more complicated when the person who is rigid/right is a relative and someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. Ugh, the dread of these interactions can weigh heavily on the heart. I recall one of the best interventions I ever witnessed. We were at a wedding and a relative [Scott] was being harrassed to debate politics with this other fellow [let's say his name was Tim]. Scott said, "sure Tim, I'll talk politics with you if you'll dance with me while we talk." This put the brakes on conversation because Tim, being a homophobe, jumped back, end of discussion! Scott so nicely handled what could have ruined his entire evening with aplomb and humor.  I strive for this kind of intervention in my own life.

So, wonder if you're married to one of these folks. That is one difficult situation and one of the tougher clients I deal with in couples' counseling. However, if someone has decided to come to counseling, they have already loosened the tight bolt on their issue of having to be right all the time. So, that in itself is helpful and hopeful. As therapy progresses, I try to find out why admission to error, being mistaken, being wrong is such a disgraceful or terrible thing for that person. Sad to say, usually the roots are in childhood and connected to a storehouse of shame the client is dragging around. Now here comes the shocker: so what. All of us have things that we are toting in our emotional back packs. The difference is that the rigid/right person has little to no incentive to change, because you can see their logic: they're right! Sometimes if divorce is threatened it can bring about change in that person if the damage hasn't been too severe in the relationship. One of the unfortunate truisms in couples counseling is by the time the partner can convince the rigid/right person that things are crucial, there's lots of accumulated damage. It takes a Herculean effort to turn this around and, most crucially, the right/rigid person has to realize this and be willing to change.

We have just emerged, thank God, from the season of frenzied politics. Did you notice that a bunch of the always right people came out of the woodwork screaming and yelling? This goes for the folks on the left as well as the right. Obviously what is needed here is flexibility, an honest ability to listen, reexamine their respective postions and a willingness to be open to the goodness that can flow from learning a new thing or two.

I give you the example of the NRA as the ultimate always right about guns. In 1996 Australia had a horrific slaughter of 15 people by a man who had an assault rifle. They banned assault weapons in that country and haven't had an incidence since then. Isn't it only logical that if assault weapons were banned we would have less carnage in this country? Notice I did not say anything about hand guns or hunting rifles because that would be an all or nothing approach. But some legislation makes sense.

Many years ago I had a client who said, "it took me years to say 'I was wrr-wrr-wrong!' but now I say it with humor and relish that I can admit my faults." As a selling point, it does feel better to acknowledge our errors. I suggest that we all put a little joy into other's live and admit when we're wrong. That's when the great line from AA comes into play, "when wrong promptly admit it" and I would add, put on your grown up pants and apologize for being wrong. It's respectful and refreshing.  
Soooo sing along:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.
A-P-O-L-O-G-Y find out what it means to me!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Letter to Pope Francis

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

I do benefits for all religions---I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.                Bob Hope

All religions are the same: basically guilt, with different holidays.               Cathy Ladman

Dear most promising and potentially loving Pope Francis,

In my most head bowed, humble request I'd like to implore you in the strongest language [without one swear word uttered] to please be a Pope for all the people of the world. 

If you do this, you could literally save lives. This saving lives was true of the "Pope of the People", the late, great Pope John the XXIII. Prior to becoming Pope in 1958, he valiantly, without constraint, saved the lives of hundred of thousands of Jews, the handicapped, and Gypsies from the Nazis prior to and during WWII. Your opportunity is at hand. Without constraint and quite simply, you could encourage the faithful and the faithless to use condoms. This could prevent the needless loss of life to AIDS throughout the world. Just by making this a health issue, not a moral problem, you'd literally save millions of lives. Think of it, millions of souls saved by saying a few words. Then, another reality to consider: if your faithful do acquire AIDS and die, they leave their children behind or worse infect them also. The condom helps prevent children from becoming orphans. I believe this is the strongest and most loving Christian act: to help children of the world live and enable adults to lead healthier lives.

Another point I'd like to see you address is truth and bravery in the Church. This is something that the Catholic Church [basically this is true of all fundamentalist religions] has been cowardly about. Please come out strong and hard on the men who inflict harm on their small brethren, the defiled innocents. Take a stand! Use your position to not only condemn but punish the pedophiles who have sexually and emotionally abused so many children. Incarceration and excomunication come to mind as appropriate responses. Be fearless and point the way to holiness, goodness and truth. Use your position for good, it's only right to get abuse out of the church.  

I am hoping in your work with the poor in South American and championing their plights and rights that you will recognize and honor the good works done by the Nuns of the world. Lately they have been unfairly [and ridiculously] villainized by the former Pope and our  bishop in Seattle. These women give succor and love to the least loved and cared for in the world and this is the epitome of goodness. In short, this ministering to the poor and downtrodden is what the Church should stand for. The Nuns generosity should be cherished, acknowledged and valued.

Finally, thank you from the bottom of my soul, for injecting hope into the heart of millions of Catholics who were walking, or even running away from the Church in disgust. Take the road that leads to the greater good for the most. Let all your actions and utterances be based on love. Love is all there is. After all, isn't that the only words that can be verified that Christ said, "love one and other". Fulfill his dream [and mine!], be loving to all the people. 
Yours sincerely in truth and justice, Susan R. Grout

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Reversing the Curse: Getting Unstuck

One of my favorite bodies in motion

The port to a new life is wide and open.

In my almost forty years of counseling one of the easiest things to do with clients is help them get unstuck from a repetitive problem. First I have to figure out what's preventing them from having the life they want. Then I go through the initial interview with the question, "what would you like to see changed in your life or in your relationships?" This is client directed therapy and I aim to partner with the client to enable them to change their life. That question is most revealing and a very good start.

Below is a partial list of how I see people gumming up their lives:

1. laziness and stagnancy 
2. lack of exercise and an improper diet
3. fear 
4. greed and/or stinginess
5. depression
6. addictions to drugs/alcohol
7. poor choices in relationships
8. guilt from real or imaged mistakes
9. too much time viewing TV/computers/cell phones/i pads etc.
10. meaninglessness
11. unwillingness or fear of change
12. self-loathing
13. anger and hatred of self or others
14. grudge holding
15. narrow mindedness
16. purposely failing so they stay stuck.

Defining what's impeding clients from leading this desired happier life is the first step and then it's a matter of 'reversing the curse'. Starting at the top of the list is a huge culprit, laziness. This is usually a difficult one for people to admit, but if in fact they've not moved much from the couch, either mentally, emotionally or physically in years, they need to consider that they might just be lazy. They aren't alone. Currently, we Americans, are 16th among developed countries in longevity and one of the root causes for our poor showing is lack of exercise and a poor diet [#2 on the hit parade].

Isaac Newton stated: a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion. One of the truisms is that we're not in motion enough. The simple act of walking has become an ordeal for many and what's sad about that is, it compounds itself by creating the body at rest. Unsticking from laziness physically is analogous to trying to get dried up gum off the floor. There are many remedies to this sticky situation [pun irresistible] and all of them require effort. One way is to take a knife and pry it up, another is to apply ice and then scrape away. A jackhammer uses too much force and a gentle finger too little effort. But energy and the right amount of force will do the job. The same is true of laziness. It requires awareness, determination and then effort to get unstuck. Interestingly, energy expended begets energy. But you have to notice the gum on the floor--- then you have to want remove it. Otherwise there it sits.

You have to love whatever activity you choose.

Motivation to change and get moving has been described and re-described as though it is a mysterious process and yet it really isn't. Obviously if you hate a physical activity the reluctance and loathing will soon create the body at rest again. So pick something that you love to do. Since I was a little girl I've adored the freedom and the feeling of riding a bike. Naturally this is my number one go-to activity. When the weather is too crummy wind blowing a gale then walking and yoga are safer bets. If I'm lucky enough to be in a warmer climate then it's swimming and snorkeling. The commonality in all of these physical activities is that I love them and look forward to them.

Poor diet isn't all that complicated either: eat what is natural, avoid processed foods and keep your portions reasonable. The billions of dollars made on diet books that really could be pamphlets---but that's a deep dark secret that I've just uncovered. Two dear persons in our family recently lost 25 lbs. just by portion control and drinking 'lite' beer. Hey, everyone has their methods. It could be a book, The Lite Beer and Smaller Portions Diet, Try It!

The next part to laziness is mental laziness. I believe everyone agrees: there is so much work to be done cleaning up this world. Sadly there are so many able bodied and able minded people who choose to sit on the side lines and watch the world implode. This is the worst aspect of mental laziness. How on earth can we be a positive force in the world with inaction or apathy? We, the world's people, need all of our efforts to change the way things are being handled. We all need to clean up the environment, help our neighbors and the world's children who are due to inherit the mess we've made of things. The effort expended, through volunteer work or even writing a supportive check to a worthy cause, can contribute to the change we need to see in the world. If you will do this the positive action helps move you away from mental apathy. It also, even for selfish reasons, has been shown to . Agood recommendation to be altruistic.

Recently there have been a flurry of articles suggesting that learning something new, no matter what your age, can enhance your life, improve your quality of life, keep you sharp into old age and increase your life span.  For purely selfish reasons [endorphins calling] you could exercise and choose to learn something new each day. Some of the longest living people on the planet are active and life long learners. So, study what's important to you.  You can even study a new language from the couch! But be sure to get cracken', time's a wastin'.


Joyous activity begets more joyous activity.


susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved



Spouse Appreciation Day

My husband, Mr. G has been nothing short of magnificent throughout my recovery from the total hip replacement. His loving care and almost hovering concern allowed me to completely relax into recovery mode. It's not easy for me to accept a huge amount of help almost ever. There's a part of me that's independent to a fault and I bristle when someone is doing for me what I believe I can do for myself. This is illustrated by my walker story.

I was still using the walker ten days after the surgery. Mr. G was still getting up with me in the middle of the night when I had to clomp my way to the bathroom with the walker. I was sleeping downstairs in the TV room because at that point I couldn't handle the stairs. So we worked out a deal where I would call him from my cell phone to the house phone and he would come down and supervise me making my way to the toilet. One night on about the 11th day after surgery I awoke and thought, "this is silly, I can do this myself" and I clomped my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible. Then I clomped my way back and got into bed. Well, he heard me and, picture this, he came downstairs half naked, in just his Tshirt, still wearing his mouthguard. He was very annoyed with me and obviously concerned for my safety. He shook his finger and said, "You sshoudddn't get up by yourssthelf! I'm sstheriousth! You ssshhould'nt!" I tried to be grateful but he sounded so 'sthilly' I couldn't help it, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed.

Humor and the ability to see it in ordinary moments, makes for a great relationship.

There is always the mystery of why and how we were so fortunate to find each other and have such a loving relationship for well over 40 years. The truth is we are both stubborn, opinionated, have 'strong personalities', are sometimes argumentative know-it-alls, and these are just a few of our tragic flaws. On the other hand, he is the calm to my anxious, he is the logic to my shoot-from-the hip, he is the reasonable to my un, he is Mr. Consumer Reports to my snap decisions, he is the tall to my short, the philosophical to my worry-wart and the partner in crime to all my nutty ideas. In some respects, this relationship/marriage shouldn't work but oddly enough it does. Of course, great love for each other binds us together. That, and the ability to have a heated argument, be over with it in minutes, and sometimes laugh about it later. "I'm sstheriousth."

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved