Increasingly I feel the need to do better. I realize this is not a contest or a race, yet facing up to my shortcomings is in my daily thoughts. Rather than just relying on the internal criticism that goes on inside me, I'm listening to the cheering coach that stokes all the positive thoughts. I want the coach voice right now to push me and encourage me to be a better person.
This is not foreign territory, after all I was a psychotherapist for over 30 years. On a daily basis I encouraged, cajoled, rallied my clients to be their best possible selves. So why wouldn't I turn that spotlight on myself and my behavior.
As a person:
In my life I've had tremendous advantages, a good loving family that supported me with all of the basics of shelter, food, clothing and love. Also as a child then as a young adult through a fine education, comfortable housing, excellent food, stimulating family conversations, music, laughter and good role modeling. This wasn't just lucky, my parents came through the depression, both had some very rough experiences growing up and wanted a better life for their six children. My parents and most of my relatives valued children, loved the family and it was actually fun getting together for special holiday meals which frequently ended in singing around the piano. The hard times were weathered with grace and the good times were filled with laughter and warmth. I realize I'm very fortunate.
Nobles oblige, I feel the need to be a better person, particularly because of these advantages. I want to be the one who brings joy, warmth, love, kindness, wisdom and truth to all my interactions. I sometimes fall so short, being impatient and sometimes down right rude when frustrated. I have learned when rude, wrong or impatient to promptly apologize. Not always easy, to say the least, but I do it.
As a blogger:
My sister Sally says this blog is my "Senior project." True and amusing because in the words of my beloved Grandma, "I'm a citizen Senior". The assignment I've given myself is to give away all of the hot therapy tips I had for my clients in this very blog for free. Here are a few of the posts.
Examples:
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2018/10/cruise-control.html,
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2016/11/when-anxiety-is-running-kentucky-derby.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/06/swept-away-it-wasnt-my-fault.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/02/when-you-think-you-stink.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/02/creating-positive-self-image.html
The other day I was contemplating how I could become a better musician without practicing. That is amusing and fairly stupid but on the other hand...I have arthritis and it does really hurt my hands to practice. So I do play the guitar about 6 hours a week and then I decided I'll devote the other 3 hours to composing music. This is fairly preposterous because the way I do compose songs is under pressure and crank out only two songs a year.
Each year the sibs go to our brother and sister in law's house for Thanksjuning and in the summer two of my sisters and I go to a guitar camp. For Thanksjuning we are required to write a song based on the frequent sayings of our parents or Grandparents. One year it was "Don't Ever Let Me Do That Again" and last year it was "It Would Be Different if I Didn't Care". Both were really fun to compose. My aim is the song be at least amusing if not down right superlatively tuneful. This year it's "Good, Good, Good" and I was going along thinking "what a snap this one is" until I realized I was basically composing [plagiarizing] Van Morrison's 'Crazy Love'. Starting over with a new melody is in order. This is one of the benefits of retirement, I have the time to noodle around.
Because this is a two for the price of one therapy blog, I am going to continue, in the next post, to point out all of my tragic failings as well as conjoin them with ways to improve for one and all.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved
Dangerous living can be defined in different ways. Here a several shocking examples of the different ways, with some of my routines, that I inevitably raise eyebrows.
While reading a cookbook this morning I read: 'cook the clams for 4 to 5 minutes, after that discard any unopened clams'. Hmm, I think those little clams deserve more of a chance. I always give the unopened ones a minute or two more. I have a stomach that defies the dictum.
While looking through my refrigerator I notice the mustard's expiration date was more than a year ago. To the horror of my sons, I slathered mustard on a sandwich and it tasted fine. Still standing.
While scrounging through my refrigerator I came upon a delicious dish that I'd made sometime last week and decided to eat it, all of it. Smelled fine. Still standing.
While cooking I frequently follow no recipe and carelessly fling ingredients into the pots and pans. Missing ingredient? No problem. I just substitute whatever I have on hand. I do taste everything right out of the pans and then proceed. Works out deliciously more than 90% of the time.
While it is advisable, I never refrigerate our frequently consumed ketchup. Still standing.
While on vacation I frequently had a second glass of wine knowing I'd probably be awake in the middle of the night. That's what books on my phone are for.
Speaking of reading, if the book I'm reading is only semi engrossing, I start yet another book.
If reading a book that's only so-so, I'll read the first one hundred pages and then read the last fourth of the book, works fine.
Even though I have three videos and seven books out of the library I took out several more books. Some of the materials, gasp, are overdue.
Before cross country skiing recently, I realized it's been many years since I daringly cinched up my skis. Ignoring injury I ventured forth.
Despite the fact it's been more than a year since my last mammogram, I didn't make the appointment. The squeeze can wait while the medical establishment fights it out on how often I should have that test.
To the exasperation of my husband and the amusement of my friends, I almost always have my car on cruise control. Former lead foot ---adieu.
Stay tuned for more rebellious behavior launched by a woman of a certain age.
My love to all.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved
What do you hold dear? Who do you hold dear? These questions can be answered in millions of different ways. However in the simplest form isn't loving and being loved what we all want? And don't we wish that those who we love have tons of love in their lives, and while they're at it, they love us. Of course, if you follow the golden rule, while you are doing to others as you wish to be treated yourself, life becomes so much easier and rewarding. This should be so obvious, but things can get in the way.
One thing that can always get in the way is an out of whack value. If you most highly value the power of money and greed over takes your vision, you might discover, with maturity, it's relatively difficult to cuddle up to money and possessions. Sure you can purchase help, but this pales in comparison to having especially good friends and a loving relationship with your family. I find one of life's essentials is having close relationships with friends and family. This can go a long way in guiding us on a daily basis and ultimately bringing joy throughout our lives. This fact is borne out in statistics when asked what most influences people's happiness. The rewards of having friends and a supportive family certainly outweighs all the effort and time it takes to make these important actions that in the long run is good for all our lives.
In a post long ago I wrote that I am rich in sisters. I know as my years of being a psychotherapist that many people have trouble liking or even loving their siblings. That was not the case in our family. Last month, for example, my sister and I played music for the local library's Memory Café. This was set up to help, and hopefully bring joy, to the ones who have memory problems. And it was a joyful experience, especially meaningful to me because it was shared with my sister.
Do you value the country you live in, not just the physical place but also the residents who inhabit your country? This includes the ones with gifts and ones without much to give. Do you consider everyone as your neighbor? Can you be the kindest person in the country?
Or is it more important to you to have yours and neglect those that don't have as much as you. What kind of a person do you long and strive to be? Gracious, helpful, studious, industrious, kind, generous, loving or the polar opposite: rude, selfish, ignorant, lazy, unkind, stingy and hateful. Dear god, I hope there is not a debate there.
One of my favorite sayings to my clients in the more than 40 years of being a psychotherapist was "kindness doesn't cost a cent, but it pays great dividends." This is a value that I hold dear and to "spring forth with love each day" has brought untold love back to me. I believe this is always true when remembered. I have witnessed these notions bringing great joy to all the clients who practice these sayings.
What can seriously interfere with all of this "just spread joy" is deep and profound grief. You never know who is grieving and hurting and so I feel it is imperative to be loving and kind even if someone is rude, nasty or impatient with you. Give them the benefit of a doubt. However, if someone is persistently rude and nasty and you are the recipient of that, it's time to lovingly confront them, to let them know their behavior is unacceptable. As an example I waltzed many a client through the art of saying firmly but kindly "knock it off". Then if the recipient refuses to stop with the verbal abuse it is best to avoid them saying something to the effect, "you obviously want to continue to be offensive to me, I can't continue this relationship until you decide that my friendship is worthy of respect and kindness." Then stop any interaction unless that person is willing to act like a mature adult.
People can change. Be open to that fact and be willing to accept apologies but trust has to be earned especially if someone has been abusive to you in the past.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved
