Looking at the Impossible, Seeing the Improbable

You can learn a lot of things from the flowers
especially in the month of June,
There is health and happiness and romance

All in the lovely month of June.             from the movie "Alice in Wonderland"

I'm one of those gardeners that knowledgeable gardeners, observing my habits, would just shake their head. However, I've made myself happy by willy-nilly planting things where I choose rather than having any advanced plan. No grids, no maps, no agonizing as to where to fit in an exotic breed. I plant what tends to work in the northwest with a nod to "deer proof" [ha-ha] and bombs away. I was complaining to another gardener at the farmer's market, "the deer are eating my crocosmia and they aren't supposed to like it." He said, "I guess they didn't read the manual, naughty, naughty."

If there is a plan for the garden, it's subtle. I do veer away from certain colors like dark burgundies and notice  I don't have a lot of yellow but other than that the garden is fairly freeform. I did losely follow the rule of bigger plants in the middle of my circles [no squares at my place] and smaller plants toward the front of the beds. I like it crowded so there isn't much room for weeds. Sometimes I find myself, with a freshly dug up plant on the shovel wandering around looking for the right place to plant it. This is wrong, wrong, wrong, but this is what I do. I figure I have ADD/911 as a gardener.

It is best to win without fighting.             Sun Tzu

Since gardening is a hobby I decided it better be something that I love, not something that I agonize over. So my garden does not resemble Monet's at Giverny but does resemble the water lily series after Monet was losing his eyesight. It is a peaceful lovely place especially if you keep your distance and ignore the persistent weeds that poke up through the flowers.** Remember, no agonizing. I do weed-- just so the poor things can survive-- but irregularly to say the least.

The art of enjoying the best gardens is looking at the impossible and seeing the improbable. Looking at the miracle of life from a seed, a bulb or a corm and seeing the improbablity of the creatures like the bumble bees, the butterflies and the birds that happen by. Glorious.

A garden is the best alternative therapy.     
                   Germaine Greer

One of the great things about being in the garden is the ability to lose myself in the minutia of the plant world, seeing the details of how a plant is growing, it's shape, it's buds, it's blossums and it's health. I then drift to who's landing on this plant: the friends, like the bees, the butterflies, the bumble bees, the ants. This gives me great pleasure to then learn about these creatures and this year I'm focusing on the butterflies. Isn't it a grand year for butterflies? Or could it be that I am studying them and so see them everywhere. The Western Tiger Swallowtail, the Monarchs, the Western Admiral, the Lorquin's Admiral and that's just the ones that I've noticed since July 21. On that date I acquired a guide to butterflies, it's written so a child could understand it, with gobs of pictures for identification. Luscious and fun to do. Our sons and all four of the grandkids will be with us in August and I have plans as their camp counselor...

**Unbelievable but true, as I was writing this sentence Mr. G hands me the phone and I've won a set of gardening tools from a raffle!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Glory of Singing Siblings

As white a candle in a holy place, So is the beauty of an aged face.
Joseph Campbell
All the siblings plus a niece at Mom's Memorial

Knowing that someone has your back is indeed important. Knowing that someone, always and forever, has your heart is a treasure greater than words. That's what it's like to have love from your sisters and brothers. My siblings have been there for me at each important moment of my life: the weddings; the babies; the anniversaries and the celebrations. They've been there for me on the sad occasions too: the deaths; and the memorials; the illnesses and the operations. Every occasion.

Singing with our brother in many part harmony

There's something about families singing together that is just better than any other groups you can pick or make. If it's family, if it's blood-on-blood, then it's gonna be better. The voices singing their parts are going to be tighter and they're going to be more on pitch. Because it's bloodline-on-bloodline.
Johnny Cash

I am the second oldest of six kids and except for our brother at the end of the line, its sisters all the way. I revel in this fact and, as a matter of fact, we even named our singing group that we had for six years "Sibling Revelry", to honor us. We were raised on singing, my part always being harmony. This was natural because my Sally had a more beautiful soprano voice and besides, I like being a "second fiddle". Sal and I actually made it to the radio when she was eleven and I nine singing "Tonight You Belong to Me". Sadly this did not lead to fame or even a recording contract.

Our parents were not stellar but could be really fun and as Sally said, "they didn't really raise us, we raised ourselves." Too true, Mom was busy with the littler ones and Dad worked sometimes fourteen hours a day. However, they did give us the priceless gift of music. When we'd have relatives over, or  had parties, or when we went for the very occasional vacation we'd sing. The songs were the ones that our parents knew, from the 1920's to the 50's. We were also treated to songs that my Mom's parents taught her, and we have taught these to our children. Dad being more 'underparented' than just about anyone but an abandon child [see post of 3/25/2011 for the story], may not have even been around singing until he was a teenager, working in his father's restaurant. He enthusiastically contributed the songs of his teenage years.

I know that in some families, [many that I have worked with in my counseling practice], siblings are not a joy but a constant source of headache or heartache. In many families the siblings are so estranged that they seldom speak and never see each other. I always internally think, "how sad." But then they don't have the wonderful siblings that I do. These are people who are not only intelligent but creative and caring--- plus they sing at the drop of a hat. Nirvana.

I'm not sure that this piece of advice will fly for most families, but from my own experience I suggest that families sing together. Start now. It melds, shapes and harmonizes families in a positive way. The singing aids us all through the difficult times and the celebrations. Besides that, it can't hurt.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Delusion, Derangement and Denial Revisited

There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the roots.                                   Henry David Thoreau

This a post I wrote and revised. Sadly and with a heavy heart I am writing again because of another tragedy, this time in Roseburg, Oregon. More dead and still the U.S. is electing people who are too cowardly to stand up and do what's right, pass legislation to aid prevention and treatment programs for the mentally ill, pass stricter background check laws, confiscate all assault weapons and ban them permanently. Let's be part of the solution and start hacking away at the roots of evil.

I, like most of the nation, am reeling from the news of the 12/14/2012 tragedy, the slaughter of the innocents in Newtown, Conneticut. Another deranged, suicidal young man has murdered twenty little children and six women.  That's it for me: I am becoming involved in the movement to get these extremely dangerous weapons out of circulation. Why, for all that's good and holy, would anyone need to have an assault weapon? It makes about as much sense as having a personal rocket launcher or a personal drone. As I write this I can only imagine some of the demented thinking, "that's a mighty fine idea..." It is insane to risk the safety of our little children and our citizens to indulge the very few who demand these weapons.

The middle of the road is where the white line is, and that's the worst place to drive.          Robert Frost

This destruction of our children, our people, has got to stop. There is every reason to not sit on the fence about this issue. If the legislatures are too cowardly to step up to the NRA and the weapons lobbies, then they should lose their jobs. We, citizens need to clamor for justice in the form of outlawing these assault weapons. Australia did just that in 1996 and they've not had another slaughter since then. 

Our children are our most precious resource

Give me one good reason a citizen needs to own/use an assault weapon. One. The truth? There's money to be made by the evil weapon manufacturers so they try to convince people that it's their right. Don't be fooled, really it's greed, pure and simple. It's stupidity to be cowed by these people and absolute foolishness to overlook the greed element. Don't the people in the NRA have children, grandchildren, a heart? Ask them.

The following I wrote first in July, 2012 and then in August... I revisited it and decided to publish it again although it grieves me to even have to. I said then:

This is another very black time for Colorado. Yet another deranged individual who wishes for notoriety at any cost has deluded himself into thinking fame will give him respite from his own insignificance. And yesterday, 8/5/2012 yet another deranged, sadly deluded  young man killed six Sikhs at their temple in Wisconsin.

It is, of course, impossible to assign motives for killing innocent people. There really is no rationale that satisfies. However the persistence of artificial drama in the cases of the recent murderers, their poses, costumes, timing leads me to that inevitable conclusion: they desperately want to be noticed. Pathetic and very sad.

There have been studies of mass murderers, one I remember was of Charles Whitman in the 1960's. He murdered University of Texas students at random and earlier in the day, his mother and his wife.  One of the discoveries was that he had a brain tumor, glioblastoma, that might have accounted for his warped thinking. He was also an amphetamine user and he had come from a family where the father was physically and emotionally abusive. Hmm.

The above description does seem to add up to a lethal combination, but I'm not convinced that every mass murderer has all of those features. Certainly that wasn't true of the young men, Eric Harris and Dylan Kiebolt who had good homes and loving parents. Indeed the commonality with the latest mass murderer, James Holmes is that they were white, young males with a high need for drama, a very bad feelings about themselves, a worse attitude about humanity and, of course, an easy access to a plethora of assault weapons. I realize no one is going to attack me for writing about the drama angle, or the low self worth or their lack of compassion and actual hatred for their fellow humans. But you know as well as I do if I point one tiny finger at the obvious-- easy access to guns, wow, will some people get defensive. They want to deny that the glorifying of guns and the use by these young men of the assault weapon has anything to do with these mass murders.

I'm not so sure we should outlaw guns but instead make each bullet cost about $500. Then it would be like, 'I'm gonna shoot you, after I save up to buy a bullet'!    Chris Rock

How on earth can anyone prevent mass murder? Truthfully, I'm not sure we can predict who'd be a candidate for such a huge heinous crime. But we certainly don't need to glamorize it, nor to endlessly focus on it. Wouldn't it be great if instead the focus was on prevention? Wouldn't it be great if we would have licenses that actually screened for suspicious behavior, and licenses for responsibility and competence with a weapon? We do after all license our cars and our citizen who drive those cars. Another thing, I've heard it said that we can't hold the gun sellers responsible for the crimes committed by the criminals. We hold the bartenders and restaurateurs responsible for a drunk who has left their establishment and ends up killing someone in a car accident. Fat chance, I realize, to get the lawmakers to toughen our laws, but it's a nice fantasy of mine and a good idea. Better than the nothing that's normally done after each of these horrendous murders. Nothing.

The entertainment industry could do their part also. What sense does it make to have our children swallowed whole by the entertainment industry, that makes the grossly violent movies, and worse, the hate filled video games [Cop Killers, really?]. When are the citizens going to see that some of the legislatures are bought and sold by the gun lobbies?  It makes no sense that our citizens are armed to the teeth and there is no stopping the NRA with their campaign of "guns don't kill people...people kill people." Guns without ammo won't kill people, that's true. It should be against the law to have an assault weapon with a  'magazine' on that gun that fires rapidly killing massive amounts of people.  But, I'm with Chris Rock, and that's an even better fantasy: legislate for prohibitively expensive bullets. Bring those on!

 Please join me. In our state there is the Washington Association for Gun Responsibility, find out what is the most effective organize you could contribute to. Call your legislator and perhaps we need to take to the streets and protest the ineptness of the government on gun control.

This is not the time to be Republican or Democrat about this issue. This is time to be a caring American who demands safety for all of our citizens. Take a stand, call your legislature today and say we are sick of the gun lobby and the NRA co opting our safety. Let's get those assault weapons out of circulation today. Let's get some treatment programs for the mentally ill.

A pregnant young woman trying to protecting her unborn child from Mt. Vesuvius that erupted in the 1st century. The instinct to protect our children should be this strong. 

susansmagicfeather 2012/2015 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Praise Does Wonders

Sometimes it's hard to see something lovely that's right in front of us*.

I was in the third grade and my teacher was a "strict" nun who everyone groaned when I said I was in her class. She was not very warm and quite demanding of every pupil. But, she saw something in me. This nun, who was not voluminous with her praise, looked me square in the eye and told me that I was very smart. Because this is the first time I ever heard this, I still remember this and it's a testament to the strength of her words. I think she added "try your hardest always and you'll get good results". This was to a third grader, no more than eight years old and it's made a lasting impression on me.

Children have more need of models than of critics. Joseph Joubert

Since you never know who you're going to positively influence, I think it's the best  advice to be generous in your truthful, loving comments. Be generous in praise and encouragement if you see something in someone--especially someone who might not suspect that they have a good characteristic or talent. You'd be amazed at how many of my clients have said, "no, I've never heard that before," when I've complimented them on being articulate or insightful.

Giving legitimate praise is an art. In order to praise, you have to really study people, be open to their goodness and see what they are all about. This goes nicely with the "be aware and amused" and "tell the truth and run" philosophies that I frequently spout. I want to stand up for this philosophy as being a good hobby. It's a kick to see the talent and the good in people, not always mentally doing a "make-over" or internally criticizing them. It makes life more interesting and much more pleasant.

What is not pleasant but is certainly interesting is the nuns are back in the news. Since a special nun made a great different in my life, I take attacking them, especially for petty reasons, as an affront. As one of my clients said, "what's the deal in dissing those sisters?" Those modest, humble, kind and helpful women who attend to "the throw away people" in our society are being scrutinized and vilified by the Catholic church. That church should be funding them and kissing the hems of their slacks. But no, these men [mandated by the Pope, the US bishops] are appalled that the nuns aren't marching for fetus's rights and shunning their brethren who are gay. Seems funny to even write it, but sadly that's what's become the focus of the church in Rome. All of the good, moral history of the church [well, not the Inquisition] and Jesus's command to "love one another", goes right out the window with their criticism. Truly tossing the baby with the bath water, with no concern as to who's below to catch the baby. These are women who are doing the grunt work, who have dedicated their lives to doing good. What's next? Calling these fine women witches? Haven't we heard that somewhere before?

Sincerely, when was the last time you heard about a scandal of nuns seducing children? Never, right? So is there some connection?  Is this just a ruse to distract us from the real enemies not only of the church, but of morals and decency---misogynism and pedophilia. Think: what would the church hierarchy do if St. Francis was alive and practicing today? He would probably be condemned for attending to the poor. And for mistering to the animals? Starting an order for nuns? My guess is excommunication.

The cathedral in Assisi, the church of St. Francis

Many thorny issues confront the church

In Assisi there is an enormous and quite beautiful cathedral, the church of St. Francis. It has been loved and added on to since his death in 1226. He is probably the most beloved saint in all of the church. He preached poverty, simplicity and love to all of God's creatures. This gentle man could be a great influence and excellent role model for the Pope and bishops today, to love and revere all creatures Finally in the words of the great Aretha Franklin:  "RESPECT, find out what it means to me."   A little respect coupled with gentle love could go a long way in resolving many an issue. Why "diss" your fellow human when you could be on the outlook for something good and something grand?

*Look carefully and see an owl.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

The Art of Resilience

I knew they [his captors] could never break him.        Anthony  Zamperini

I don't deserve this award but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.                    Jack Benny

Most of us have something that we've endured. We did it either well or not so well but we got beyond it. I'm going through one of those periods, I'm enduring the painful, wonky hip and today- not at all gracefully. This is ironic because I just finished reading a book with the greatest lesson anyone could have on what the human spirit can endure. The book was Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, the story of what Louis Zamperini lived through mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. He was an Olympic runner in the thirties, then WWII intervened and his plane was shot down in the Pacific. He and another man survived in a raft for more than a month to be alas, captured and imprisoned by the Japanese. [It makes my painful hip the equivalent of a splinter-- though a big fat splinter...]

Now the trumpet summons us again...a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation', a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease and war itself.
John F. Kennedy

To add to that theme, [I must be in the mood], we watched "The First Grader" last night. This film is about a Mr. Maruge of the Kikuyu tribe in Kenya who was captured and tortured by the British after his participation in the Mau Mau uprising in the early fifties. He was imprisoned for over eight years. At the age of 84 when Kenya announced that anyone in their country could have a free education, he petitioned his local grade school. When he showed up for class, the school didn't want to allow a man of his age in. He had to fight to have the right to learn to read and write. As grim as his past was, the focus of the film was on his present and it ended up being a joyful film. The same was true with Louis, grim, grim history that ultimately ended joyful. How the heck??

I keep asking myself, what do these two men have in common to survive their grueling experiences and then thrive in their old age? For one thing, they both believed passionately in their causes. Zamperini first in running for his country, then fighting for his country and then fighting for others.  Maruge fought against the colonial rule and unfair oppression by the British and then for his right as a citizen of Kenya to be educated. Both of them believed fervently in their causes that filled their earlier and then later lives. Both of these men never gave up despite heavy opposition and difficult circumstances. Both men kept their dignity when attacked repeatedly. Both men were kind hearted and modest and had marvellous senses of humor.

Today we are looking at a powerful lot of apathy in our citizens. Even though there was a tremendous turn out for the 2008 election, many of our citizens chose not to vote. I watched with tears in my eyes as the citizens in Africa were allowed to vote for the first time in their lives. These people cherished this right so greatly that they stood  in line, some overnight, so they could vote the next day. Here in this country some fat heads are trying to take the privileged of voting away from our citizens because they don't have the proper identification. Make no mistake: it's shades of Jim Crow raising its ugly head. Sadly those of us who should be fighting mightily for the threatened voters are distracted, or worse disinterested. The big 'to do' in the House and Senate, the cause for alarm and recrimination was all about the clothes made for the Olympians---they were made in China. It's a done deal and though not the smartest thing I've ever heard, truly a ten cent issue. Taking away voter's rights--- a million dollar issue. Where is the screaming and yelling about that? Where is the moral indignation?

Come on America, we can do better. Find a cause worthy of your passion and then throw yourself into it. Value yourself and your opinions and use the wonderful rights that our forefathers and mothers fought for: the right to vote and to express your voice for what you believe in.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Thunder and Lightning Illuminate Old Feelings

When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
and don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky
and the sweet gentle song of the lark.
Rogers and Hammerstein

Last night I woke to intermittent bright light in my darken bedroom. Sleepy, I tried to make sense of the flashing light and decided "there's got to be lots of cars going down the road." Ah, but then the thunder came and I knew it was the beginning of a thunderstorm.

Even as a little girl I've always loved electric storms, the tingling air, the tension after the first zig-zag light in the sky, the cymbal crash of thunder. Exciting to me and never frightening. My sisters and I used to run outside to be part of the show, so fabulous and often occurring in the Chicago area.

The last thunderstorm I witnessed was in Milwaukee. I was with my Mom in her  apartment on the eighth floor of the residential care facility where she lived. My Mom relished her view overlooking Milwaukee and she called the apartment her "Aerie". It had a spectacular view in each season, above the tree line, over the birds, where she would watch the clouds, the rain, the snow and the storms. When I visited it was mid August which as most people know is usually hot and humid. That year was no exception. 100 degrees most of the week I was there. Relentless.

On my last day, clouds started to gather. Mom and I watched an old western on the Turner Movie Channel and decided to turn in early. We'd had such a good day, I made her a fresh tomato, avocado, cheese, lettuce and mayo sandwich which she ate one quarter of with delight. We'd played Scrabble and talked, talked, talked. Mostly it was me asking her every question I could think of about her life and our family. And she willingly obliged though some of the stories were painful.  Ever the stoic, Mom told the stories without so much as a waver in her voice. [She is the last survivor of her family, her brothers all died before her, only Aunt Vali, Ed's wife is left.]

I tucked myself in for the night on the couch, grateful that we'd had all the time to talk and reviewing all the stories about her brothers and my Dad in WWII, along with the tales of her growing up in Wisconsin in the twenties and what it was like for her to be widowed at sixty five.

Crash, flash, boom! The noise was incredible and felt like it was inside the aerie. I awoke and knew it was the very close. I sat up and was treated to a fantastic spectacle of gigantic bolts of lightening, illuminating everything in its path and then the clap of thunder almost immediately following. Mom was awake too, it was only three o'clock and the show went on for ten or fifteen more minutes until the rain finally came. We agreed it was glorious.

The next day I was to leave and I packed my things and, as usual, was ready well before the proper time for departure. I did something out of character. I knew that my mother traditionally hated long or protracted good byes but I decided that I needed to do it, so I knelt before her. I took her hands and immediately started sobbing and shaking, through racking tears I said, "I have loved you so much and I am going to miss you, you have been a wonderful Mother to me." I had only seen my stoic mother cry on three occasions, when my Dad died, when my brother-in-law Dirk was diagnosed with cancer and then when he died. She was sobbing and crying with me right then.

I finally gathered my suitcase and wheeled myself down the hall, but I couldn't stop crying. Somehow I got to the airport, it was a tearfully journey. Most fortuitously my sister Sally was overlapping me. When I saw her I fell into her embrace and sobbed again. Basically I didn't stop until I got to the Northwest.

How I wish that I had jumped into her small bed with her the night of the storm but at the time I was still playing by her unspoken rules. Still, I like the thought of it. I'm glad that I knelt before her and put my head in her lap and held her bony-bird-like hands for the last time and she and I grieved together. She died exactly one month later.

I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have called you and you are mine.

Song sung at Mom's memorial, requested by her

As I wrote this I really relived those precious last moments and I became racked with sobs. Mr. G came in with a worried expression and I could hardly talk from the sobbing to tell him what I was writing. He rubbed my back until I could tell him about the storm, my Mom and the grief.

I expect for a long while thunderstorms will be tinged with an air of sadness, but there is still the thrill and the exhilaration of life.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

My 100th Post [!] and My Favorite Topic

There's something in me that's joyous. I don't hate hardly ever and when I love, I love for miles and miles, a love so big it should either be outlawed or it should have a capital and it's own currency.                     Carrie Fisher

All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love---to love as Christ loved as Buddha loved.              Isadora Duncan

To be loved is fabulous, rich and wonderful. However, the greater pleasure far and away, if there was a contest, is to be loving. Being loving increases your joy twelvefold. I have this on the best of authorities: me.

Dear readers,

If I had the privilege to live ten lifetimes I am not sure I could properly thank all of the people in my life it has been my honor to love. This includes you. They bring me joy continuously, and I couldn't feel any luckier or happier. I have so many people that I love.

One of the keys to my own happiness [and I urge in my clients to do the same] is to stick closely to my/their internal wisdom. A personal example I give is in 1992 when my husband got a new job and moved ninety miles away, I didn't. Back then it was not as common for couples to live separately and I had many a person come up to me and say "when are you moving?" When I'd say, "I'm not." They would then add, "oh, no! Are you divorcing?" "No," I'd say, "I just don't think I should move." Kind of a whimpy response but there was something in me that just knew that I belonged here, in our small town with my practice. Turns out, through no fault of his own, there were budget cuts and he lost that job after only nine months. That would have decimated my practice, and I'd have to move back home to pick up the pieces. Oh, the money and heartache that would have cost me. So, the end result is I'm truly grateful that my gut came through for me.

Different strokes for different folks.            Sly and the Family Stone

The gut and internal wisdom also came through for Mr. G, he could have given up and moved home too but something in him enabled him to weather that storm, find eventually the perfect job in another small town. He was closer to home and came home every week end. He was fulfilled in his very busy and important work as I was in mine.

There are so many tomes written about love and I am not sure I'm adding anything much to them except this: be on the outlook for how you can love. Be on the outlook to increase someone else's joy. Be on the outlook to be aware and not let your own life pass you by. Be on the outlook for amusement, it's a great way to go through life. Then please share that joy, love and amusement with others. If you get loved in return, well hot damn that's just a plus. Time's a wasting...

Much love, Susan

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved