The End to Violence Against Women

My Dad one of the sweetest human beings

This is my 150th post!  I thought I'd do something about gratitude because Thanksgiving is this week. However, up popped the little white ribbon on the google page that stands for 'ending violence against women,' since this is an issue that is dear to my heart, it wins a landmark post. Sadly, violence against women is still a big unresolved problem in this country and it needs to be addressed constantly, fearlessly and healed in the world.

History has proven [Nazis, Bosnians against the Muslims, Hutus and the Tutsies, etc.] if you belittle, berate, disrespect people it becomes easier to be uncaring, or worse, violent toward them. Racism and sexism can lead to violence. Here's a proven equation: if you disrespect and objectify a person it can lead to lack of empathy for them. So why on earth would someone who is intelligent listen to this nonsense [I'm showing some of the quotes below] and not boycott the individuals or the groups? Here are some doozies:

"What does it say about the college coed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex."
Rush Limbaugh, drug addict, misogynist and convicted felon

"Women's voices are not appropriate or qualified to participate in the debate over birth control."
Rep. Darrell Issa, unbelievably still in office this year 

"Back in my days they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly."
Foster Friess  spokesman for the radical religious right

"Before...my friends on the left side of the aisle here tried to make rape and incest the subject — because, you know, the incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low" — current Republican Rep. Trent Franks 

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, and I realized that life is a gift from God, and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something God intended to happen."
—Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, who lost his 2012 Senate bid--thank god.

"These Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness...We are not going to have our men become subservient."
— Rep. Allen West (R-Fl.), who lost his 2012 bid for re-election

"[Singer] Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of forcible rape."
—Former Republican Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, on the upside of pregnancy after rape.  [I'm sure he'd feel the same if it was his daughter who was raped.]

"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
—Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri). His lost his Senate bid in 2012.

 "The facts show that people who are raped —who are truly raped—the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever."

—former Rep. Henry Aldridge (R-N.C.) 

I've got your back sister, and we are pushing against a huge amount of prejudice.

 I am pleased that slowly people, the people that care about respect for women, are standing up to some of the ridiculous remarks above and happily many of these men have been voted out of office. I did run across two women who said idiotic things but they paled in comparison to the above quotes. Rest assured there are women out there who are disrespectful towards their sisters. Shame on them. 

Often, as an excuse for their ghastly behavior men who abuse, who are violent and who rape say, "I had a really difficult childhood" or "hey, I got drunk and she got in my face," and the like. Well, that doesn't hold water. My dear Dad who had an absolutely abysmal childhood and who drank to the point of [as he put it]being 'overserved again', never so much as raised his voice against any of the women in his life and there were many: five daughters, two sisters, a wife, a mother and mother in law, the waitresses at his restaurant...I could go on and on. The point is, there is no excuse for violence against women. 

Let's stand together, hold each other dear and have each other's backs.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Is Ignorance Bliss About Drinking?

One reason I don't drink is I want to know when I'm having a really good time.                    Nancy Astor

When Mr. G and I were in France and then Italy many years ago, we were pleasantly surprised to find that some of our assumptions about these two countries were entirely false. We believed that all the French and the Italians were heavy drinkers. Instead, when we were in France we went out to eat at a small bistro, [you know, the kind where there are big tables that you share with others], and we watched while a group of two couples shared a bottle of wine. What was surprising was that they poured water into their wine and then more astonishing left about a fourth of that bottle. It wasn't as though the wine was plonk, we had some too, it was very good. So all that talk about "we just want to drink like the French and the Italians"...well, rethink how they drink, it's much less than you imagine. Additionally in those two countries we never witnessed any drunkenness.

From Ann Johnston's book Drink, she points out the obvious, that "excessive alcohol use causes family disruption, violence, injury" and even death. Alcohol is the third leading cause of preventable death after smoking, bad diet and inactivity. "By conservative estimates, it's responsible for roughly 80,000 deaths each year: of those, 23,000 are female. Of the 23,000 more than half are related to binge drinking. For women, binge drinking is defined as four or more drinks on one occasion in the past month; for men it's five."

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.                                                                             Ogden Nash

One more drink and I'll be under the host.                                                                    Dorothy Parker 

Binge drinking is a very unrecognized problem and as many as 14 million American girls and women binge an average of three times a month with 6 [!] drinks per episode. Further, one in five high school girls binge drink and these numbers rise from 45% of freshman to 62% of senior girls. Mind you this does not mean that they are alcoholic but it does present a major health risk, to wit: injuring the developing brain, unwanted pregnancies, accidents, and sexually transmitted diseases. Not a pretty picture.

My opinion is that the prevalence of  the come hither ads in magazines, on the TV, the silver screen, or sometimes the examples at their own homes, gives young women and men a distorted view of what is an OK way to drink. As one of my favorite young women once said to me, "I just didn't know what my limit was, I never even thought about it." So what is safe to drink? The limits should be discussed and pointed out to these kids. As I write this, all the latest information states that one drink a day for women and two for men are marginally recommended. Actually the medical establishment is question if any amount of alcohol is actually good for you.  I realize how foolish it is to think that informing young women that "maximum three drinks a week is medically safe for women" would deter a "I wanna get buzzed" high school girl, but it might make them think. Is ignorance bliss about drinking, no, not if you value your health.

Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of---and the solution to ---all of life's problems!                     The Simpsons '97

Another quote from the book Drink;

As Sir Ian Gilmore of the Royal College of Physicians said: "In the thirty years I have been a liver specialist, the striking difference is this: liver cirrhosis was a disease of elderly men---I have seen a girl as young as seventeen and women in their twenties with end-stage liver disease. Alcohol dependence is setting in when youngsters are still in their teens. This mirrors what we saw with tobacco, when women caught up with men on lung cancer."

In addition:

 "Alcohol is a carcinogen and the risks of drinking far outweigh the protective factors."  The questions is raised, where would the numbers on breast cancer be if there was no heavy drinking. "Women's vulnerabilities start with the simple fact that they have more body fat than men. Since body fat contains little water, there is less to dilute the alcohol consumed...the intoxicating effects of alcohol set in faster when estrogen levels are high."

For women, with our body chemistry it's possible to become dependent on alcohol faster than men. "Women who consume four or more drinks daily quadruple their risk of dying from heart disease. Heavy drinkers of both genders run the risk of stroke, but the odds are five times higher for women."

Here is the quiz from the National Council on Drugs and Alcohol

Yes or No: Decide whether your answer is YES or NO [over the past 12 months] and then check the appropriate space. Please be sure to answer every question. Don't cheat!

NCADD Self-Test:  What are the Signs of Alcoholism?

1.  Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?	Yes   No
2.  Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?	Yes   No
3.  Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?	Yes   No
4.  When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?	Yes   No
5.  Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?	Yes   No
6.  Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?	Yes   No
7.  Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?	Yes   No
8.  Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?	Yes   No
9.  Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?	Yes   No
10.  Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?	Yes   No
11.  Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?	Yes   No
12.  When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?	Yes   No
13.  Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?	Yes   No
14.  Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?	Yes   No
15.  Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?	Yes   No
16.  Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?	Yes   No
17.  Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?	Yes   No
18.  Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?	Yes   No
19.  Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?	Yes   No
20.  Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?	Yes   No
21.  Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?	Yes   No
22.  Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?	Yes   No
23.  After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?	Yes   No
24.  Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?	Yes   No;
25.  Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?	Yes   No
26.  Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?	Yes   No

 The answers to the quiz:  

If you answered yes to any of these questions you have some symptom that may indicate alcoholism.

Yes answers to three or more questions in various categories indicate the following stages of alcoholism.

Questions 1 to 8: Early stage

Questions 9 to 21; Middle stage

Questions 22 to 26; Beginning of Final stage 

Granted, none of us are saints, but ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your health. We all should be able to maturely and correctly assess where we are in our drinking lives. This could literally save your life or at least prevent some health crisis or heart ache down the road.

Is the Alcohol Industry the New Tobacco Industry?

The best times have to do with family and fun not necessarily the beverage you're drinking

Remember how it was more than forty years ago when it seemed everyone smoked? The tobacco industry was busy  trying to convince everyone you couldn't be cool or sexy if you didn't smoke. Remember? Silly me, I forgot most of you who read these posts do not remember because you were either babies or not born yet. The pressure from the industry was relentless: magazines, TV, movies, all touting the wonderfulness of lighting up. The justifications were simple, you had to have a cigarette to relax and in fact, initially nicotine does have that quality to it. Then after awhile the demon grabs those who over indulge and guess what, addiction sets in, choice goes to physical demand and the viciousness is finally revealed. Nasty drug.

Then came all of the shocking statistics that the tobacco industry had been covering up for years. Tobacco actually led to addiction and caused early death and serious bodily harm. No one wanted to believe this, but the conclusions were obvious and right in front of the general public, people were getting sick and dying because of their dependence on tobacco.  Oh how the industry fought it, as did any of the people who made the profits from the industry. But ordinary citizens put pressure on the legislature to stop ignoring the health risks so that finally, kicking and screaming, congress imposed rules on the industry. No more slanting their advertising to children, labeling the dangers of second hand smoke, etc. Sadly it took more than three decades before the general public got the sense to stop using as much tobacco as was used forty years ago. This battle is only partially won, the ad men are still out there trying any angle they can use to prop up their industry.

And they've found an angle. In 1969 Phillip Morris purchased Miller Brewing company and started using all of their tactical successes selling the public tobacco to now selling beer. It was a stunning success. Then the ad people and the industry realized that women preferred wine to beer and I'll give you one guess as to what happened next. Yes, ads and the commercials started: the only way to be cool and sexy is to drink. Not satisfied with just the women they started to target the youth market. Coolers, Mike's Hard Lemonade [it has vodka in it], etc. And most repulsively they are attempting to make drunkenness the norm. They need new drinkers and preferably new heavy drinkers or the industry would suffer financial declines. Besides women, our children and teens are vulnerable and their brains haven't developed properly. This heavy drinking can literally damage them. We must not we sit silent while the industry tries to hoodwink our youth and make light about the crazy consumption in high school and colleges. 

By the way, I am no angel. I drank a ridiculous amount my freshman and sophomore years in college and then, thank god, I started to not tolerate booze, barfing sick. That was the end to my bingeing. Long ago I was sorry, now I am so grateful that my body doesn't cope well with excessive amounts of alcohol. This has saved me from a world of pain that I've seen others go through, the ones who did not have the "automatic shut-off".

Jungian analyst Jan Bauer says she believes women are looking for "oblivion drinking." Alcohol offers a time out from doing it all. We were all raised on the superwoman goal: to have it all and do it all. No one told us what a price perfectionism would extract---it's heavy. So a neat way out is to get high--- and drugs, including marijuana, alcohol, sleeping pills, and the harder drugs offer a time-out, an oblivion and a small amount of peace. In this post, I'm just focusing on alcohol being the most socially acceptable "mother's little helper." I'm aiming to alert women on the dangers inherent of heavy drinking. 

In her excellent book Drink:The Intimate Relationship between Women and Alcohol, Ann Johnston makes a case for women suffering from the myth of perfection. Using herself as an example, She was divorced, working a demanding job and raising her child.  At her house she imposed on herself great meals, "homemade Halloween costumes", in short the Martha Stewart myth plus. She said, "my ex by contrast served Kraft dinner or lean cuisine" and her son accepted that. The ex was not a perfectionist. I can relate. When I went to graduate school in the late '80's, I was commuting once a week for two days to Seattle, I also had a demanding job and was raising teen age sons. Happily for me I had Mr. G who, bless his heart fed the boys "nice eggs" or pizza every time I left. See, no perfectionism there either. Me, I wept with the frustration of feeling not worthy and being pulled apart by my chosen life. Makes me shake my head and chuckle at myself now.

And speaking of Martha Stewart, she isn't Martha Stewart either. Do you honestly believe she could do her life without a veritable army of helpers? Rest assured she's not down on her knees scrubbing floors, planting seedlings or cooking any meals. But she does pose for the pictures in her lovely magazine and even that has the army fixing her up. 

Serenity can come from activities that enhance excitement and calmness 

Tomorrow, exactly what is heavy drinking and a quiz...
susansmagicfeather 2013 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Resolving Depression and Complicated Grieving

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.                                                               Steven Wright

You wake up in the morning and wish that your parents had never met.                                 Bill Fitch 

Years ago I read in one of Dave Barry's books a story about his mom that illustrates this point. Her husband, Dave's father, Dave,  had been dead for three years and his mother still wasn't functioning well, she seemed sad all the time. Then at the urging of her sons she sold her house because, "it's really too big to take care of by yourself.". When she'd visit it was clear she wasn't getting making any progress on where she was going to live.  She moved constantly from son to son's house and  talked with great longing about her husband. and left notes on the calendar about events that they had celebrated together. She'd write things like, "Dave's [the husband] birthday, come back Dave."  Dave Berry and his siblings thought for sure she'd snap out of it eventually and settle down somewhere she liked. "What she really wanted", wrote Dave, "was her old house, with my father in it". Finally Dave, and I imagine his brothers too, were getting exasperated with their mother and took to lecturing her about getting a grip and settling down.  She didn't and sadly, she committed suicide. A very hard legacy to leave for the family. At the end of this very sad story Dave wrote something like this: be sure to really listen to your parents [or grieving friend or relative] and when they express despair, pay attention. In other words, please don't ignore the symptoms of depression. This coming from a comic writer. I've never forgotten it.

Obviously it is easy to figure out in retrospect that Dave's mom needed professional help, and who knows perhaps she refused it. Below are some suggestions  from the Center for Grief and Healing that I thought were succinct and pertinent.

The difference between grief and depression 

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Giving away many personal items

Slow speech and body movements Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there Shutting out friends or relatives

When to seek professional help for grief

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

• Feel like life isn't worth living
• Wish you had died with your loved one
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities 
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
• Feel that you are worthless

As for seeking professional help, it has to be right for who you are, what feels the most soothing to you. One of my favorite therapists in town has a grief group ever six months and for some people this is very valuable and healing. Not everyone is appropriate for groups, it feels threatening and not safe they heal better with family and friends or in individual therapy.

For all of us who are concerned about someone who is grieving my remedy of choice I call 'bird dogging'. I learned this technique from my friends and from my Mom. Mom called my sister every single day after the death of my sister's husband. My sis said that this was one of the most important helps on her road to healing, she looked forward to the check-ins and the support from our mother. So when someone you love is grieving be there for them either literally or by any form of communication. Bird dog your loved ones, keep them in sight and in touch, and not just for a couple of months. What is especially true is, let's say six months later,  most people expect someone to "be over that" and that's when it's most crucial to be there.

So, what are the best ways to resolve depression and grief at the same time? Unfortunately the answer varies wildly with each circumstance and each death. For some going back to work is essential, an excellent distraction especially if you like and appreciate your job and the co workers are very supportive. If work isn't palliative or soothing for you then taking time off is important-- as long as you're not isolating yourself.
Be honest with yourself, if you need help, yell Help! Call someone who is loving and supportive of you and don't go alone on this difficult journey. Then when you're able get with people and activities that make you laugh and feel joyful, even if for a moment. The reality of life is we all die, but in between birth and death we can live richly, lovingly and fully.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Grief vs. Depression

Our darling Dad

Our loving Mom

 In my talk to Hospice group someone asked a very good question, "how can we do this hospice work and not go down the rabbit hole?"  That got me thinking about grief verses depression: in other words, the rabbit hole. 

Embarrassingly the example that I popped into my mind was of putting my cat Rufus down---I guess since it was my most recent grieving experience. I said, "I'm still very sad about Rufus and I miss him every day,  but it doesn't depress me". 

This reaction is so different than Marie's* one of my clients from years ago. She had to put her pet down but it was a very depressing event. The dog, Buddy had been run over by her husband. Buddy didn't immediately die and they rushed him to the vet who operated on him, removing one of Buddy's legs. He rallied for a bit only to be in gross pain. The vet leveled with her: "you can't continue with this course of action, he's suffering and will not recover." So she felt forced to put him down. The grief was terrible and complicated. When Marie cried, she'd upset her husband who felt guilty. As Marie put it "I was both angry and frustrated," she said amidst the tears, "he never really bonded with Buddy anyway and now this." So she hid her grief and cried alone. The more she hid, the angrier and more depressed she became.

Marie came into counseling saying, "I didn't feel this much grief when my mother died!" "How was your relationship with your mother?" I asked. "Not good." Obviously there is going to be a different sort of grief when you have a difficult relationship with someone you love but don't particularly like. In the case of Buddy, she not only loved him, he was her constant source of support. Unfortunately for her, the husband was a distant sort, a "man's man" and always taking trips with his friends, rarely including her in his attention. Then when he inadvertently killed her best source of comfort, well, you can see the complication.

Here are the myths and facts list that I took from The Center for Grief and Healing

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Mom came to all the weddings in the family and helped all of us emotionally and financially

What I'm exploring in this post is not simple grief which is straight forward and pure, like  the loss of a beloved mother who lived to be almost 90. This is sad but not a tragedy. Much more difficult for me was the loss of a darling Dad at the age of only 67, who died quite suddenly from a heart attack. Took me quite awhile to grieve him. Those of us who've had a child die experience horrible pain and that, in my book, is always a tragedy. The grief from the loss of a child may last a very long time and might be complicated. Here's more.

Complicated grief

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn't remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:

Intense longing and yearning for the deceased Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one Denial of the death or sense of disbelief Imagining that your loved one is alive

Searching for the person in familiar places Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

My hope publishing all of this is that it can bring some clarity to the subject of grieving vs. depression. My best to all of you out there who read these posts. As a friend remarked today in Facebook:

"the meaning of life is to find your  gift, the purpose of life is to give it away."                       Pablo Picasso

*No surprise, Marie is a compilation of several clients.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved