Mistakes--Ah, Nevermind

To err is human to forgive is divine.   Alexander Pope

Mr. G came into the bedroom, "hey, aren't you going to get up?" I had fallen back to sleep, so I smashed my way out of a dream I was having about my Grandmother teaching a small boy to play the cello as I was taking care of the baby brother. [Ever the caregiver.] I flew into action and we were up and out of the house in no time on our way to Ikea which is about 90 miles away from us.

Despite the rain, despite taking a few wrong turns getting there, despite the jungle of merchandise within the city of Ikea, despite getting disoriented in the vast building, we had a good day. Not only a good day, we were able to pick out and agree on a counter top for our laundry room-- the sole reason for the trip. Done and done. Nothing fancy just a robin's egg blue formica top and we loaded that boxed item into the truck and headed for home.

Lucky for us we got invited to our good friend's house for dinner which was particularly meanful when you haven't had time for lunch. We got home fairly late and didn't want to unpack that counter top.

A Saturday Night Live Skit:
Emily Litella [EL] "What's all this I hear about condemning violins on the TV? That is the dumbest thing I ever heard, violins are such a nice instrument..."
Jane Curtain, "Miss Litella, Miss Litella"
E L, "What?"
Jane Curtain, "Miss Litella, it's violence not violins!" 
E L "Nevermind."  
Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Jane Curtain on News Update Saturday Night Live

Today was devoted to yard work and because I was excited to see the counter top, I peeled back the card board with a great deal of caution so as not to harm the formica. To my everlasting horror, it was not the lovely robin's egg blue but a dull, dull grey. Immediately I thought, "how could we have been so stupid not to double check to see that we had the right one!?" I was really pissed at myself, and roared around the yard with my hedge clipper taking it out on the plants. I kept mentally revolving back to the idiocy of not checking at Ikea. Then I thought, "geez, give it up. It's only a laundry room counter and not as though it's your kitchen counter." And besides "I should be more open minded about colors, after all some people actually like grey." Not me but some do. I really didn't want to be a prisoner to my negativity. So I continued the yard work and stomping around trying my best to face the facts: we certainly were not going to drive 180 miles to replace something that was wrong but perfectly acceptable.

The day was sunny and fine. I kept chastising myself for being annoyed and I kept trying to feel OK about the grey. Hard to feel truly awful on a sunny day in the garden.

After a bit, my husband came home from his errands in town. I said, "well, we blew it, the countertop is definitely grey, too bad we didn't check."  Without saying a word, but with a certain smirk on his face, he picked up the counter top and turned it over. It was robins egg blue on the other side. Nevermind.

A view of the Bridge of Sighs that prisoners look at from a small window in their prison in Venice.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Many Paths to the Buddha

What's the use in wondering

 if the ending will be sad

 and if it's time to break and run away...

Rogers and Hammerstein from "Carousel"

Many years ago, in my senior year in college, I worked in a Children's Hospital as a 'Play Therapist'. I learned a very hard lesson and a good lesson. First of all, some of these children, the very sickest ones, were never going to get well. As instructed by my professors, I held myself back from "overly attaching" and tried to keep an emotional distance from some of the sicker little ones. Then, one of the friendlier nurses convinced me to be with a little boy down on the ward as often as I could. His name was Arthur and she said, "no one in his family comes to visit this little two year old, he's quite a dear."  Arthur was suffering from kidney disease, all swollen in the abdomen and indeed he did resemble a Buddha. And sweet, oh my, the word was invented for Arthur. I not only let down my guard, but opened my heart and grew to love him so fiercely, ignoring the obvious consequences of his devastating illness. Each day he would greet me as I walked into his room with my toy cart. He'd bounce on his butt and wave with his little hands, his crossed chocolate eyes registering delight. He couldn't talk, just grunt, so we just held hands while I showed him toys, read to him and loved his curly head. This went on for months, then I left on vacation for my wedding.

When I came back after my honeymoon, I couldn't wait to walk into Arthur's room. I brought him something and was full of anticipation. He wasn't there. I asked my favorite nurse, "where's Arthur?" and she said rather matter of factly, "oh, didn't anyone tell you? He died last week." I burst into tears, ran down the many flights of stairs and never went back to that hospital again. Guess that was my version of formal resignation at 21 years of age, I was overly attached to Arthur and couldn't face my grief. That was the hard lesson. Still makes me cry when I think about Arthur, but also smile that it was so worth it. It was my privilege to know and love him. That was the good lesson.

"When you're down and troubled and you need some loving care,

and nothing, nothing is going right..."
Carole King

The people who come to sit before me as clients need my storehouse of knowledge and vast array of therapeutic techniques. Yes and yes. But they also need to be honored and made to feel safe and comfortable. It's been my privilege through the years to see hundreds of people and yes, I grow to love them. On the subject of over attachment, one of the best pieces of advice I got was from my years in Al Anon. On this rather mind boggling subject of attachment, I learned to respectfully love my clients and in Al Anon it's called "loving detachment".

Entire fat books have been written on the subject of loving detachment but done in a rather obscure, imperious fashion--eg. The Differentiation of One's Self in One's Own Family of Origin. Now, doesn't that sound so complex and intellectual? When I was in Graduate school I decided, "man, I don't know anything about that and since it sounds important, I'll sign up for the workshop". At the workshop the author talked, mostly helpfully, about family of origin issues. Then it came to describing the meat of the workshop and he rattled on an on about "the difficulties and dilemmas a family member faces in growing up and moving on with their life". He asked: "how on earth could they be part of the family yet a separate individual [differentiation]?" He stressed how terribly complex differentiation really is. Puzzled, I raised my hand and asked, "isn't this the exact same concept as learning 'loving detachment'? It's encouraged by Al Anon and they suggest using it in your family." You know what the workshop leader did? He exploded at me! He said, "the Al Anon folks have no sense of humor!" and other disparaging remarks about Al Anon. Really answered that question, didn't he? I was embarrassed but saw his overreaction for what it was: defensiveness that he hadn't thought of that first. Naturally, I'm putting myself in an excellent light to show this point. However, in my view he needlessly complicated a difficult action with a fancy title as though it was his idea.

Defining 'loving detachment' is easy to describe, and difficult to actually do. Loving detachment is the ability to hold steady with yourself, to stay loving and open, and to acknowledge your beliefs, even if they are very different from your family of origin. In fact, it is a mature and gracious attitude requiring practice, practice, practice. Over reaction and temper tantrums would be an example of its opposite. When I am the therapist in counseling, the same holds true for me. I listen respectfully, sometimes even tearfully, to the dreadful things that happen to people, yet all the while telling myself: "I honor what is brought to me, I don't have to grab it and run with it, or take it home with me". I frequently make suggestions or comments, I'm certainly not a passive therapist, but I realize these problems are not mine. If I kidnapped their traumas and tribulations that would be dishonorable. To aid in letting go of their troubles, I am fond of telling clients that "we're going to put those bad thoughts, feelings and ideas right into the Puget Sound, you can release them." And funny thing, that's just what I do too, I let them go and I lovingly detach.

"close your eyes and think of me
 and soon I will be there
to brighten up even the darkest night."
C.K.

Hopefully, each person I see is going home with many useful tools they can pull out when needed. On their path to peace of mind and tranquility I teach loving detachment and letting go. Taming the amount of worrying you're doing is an important way to find peace in your life. One tool I give is a method of dealing effectively with worrying. I swiped this idea from an excellent source, Jennifer James, and now it's unrecognizable as hers and is mine. This is an good way to make some sense out of rumination and turn it into a creative process.

TOP TEN FAVORITE WORRIES LIST

1. Get a pad of paper, or a journal or a sketch book and pen and write down 5 to 10 items that you regularly worry about [money, aging, kids, health, friends,etc...]
2. Make sure that you include everything that might keep you awake at night.
3. For no less than 15 minutes, no more that 20 minutes, ruminate on these items.
4. While you are worrying, write down any insights, ideas, jokes, songs, doodles that come to you in the allotted time that you are worrying.
5. Fold up the paper,  put away the journal, the sketch pad, etc. in a drawer or anywhere safe and out of sight.
6. If one of the items should creep into your consciousness during the day say to yourself, "Oh, I already did that!"
7. If it's a nagging and persistent thought, write it down and let it go by saying, "I'll tackle that tomorrow."
8. Breathe and be proud of yourself.  

What we're all after in life is to be loving and peaceful, delighted and fulfilled. So in my work we do repair, reparation and healing. Counseling is just one way, there are many paths to the Buddha. Lucky me, as a young woman I got the privilege of meeting a live Buddha and I am grateful I took the risk of loving him despite the consequences. That was the good, yet hard lesson.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Coping with the Inevitable Fear Life Brings Us



"He was greatly taken aback, he stood perfectly motionless, but with a look of a sylvan creature on the point of fleeing away. He turned with agitation and his hand trembled so that he nervously took up a small object..."
Nathaniel Hawthorne first meeting the woman who was to become his wife by Charles Robert Gaston

Petting the wild beast is not a good idea

In the last couple of  posts, I've covered the first two problems [laziness and diet and exercise] with my list on how people gum up their lives. Next on the list is most people's favorite topic, ta da, fear. What's really unfair is we humans are born with a healthy amount of fear as part of our biological makeup. We are programed so that fear, and the fight or flight response, keep us safe. The human race could have been neatly wiped out in a couple of millennium if we'd stopped to pet the wild beasts. Happily for all of us, built into our brains is a system that gives us this red alert to run and flee upon any encounter with a dangerous animal.

Things start to go awry when, for whatever reason, our brain falsely triggers our life saving adrenaline. Then adrenaline kicks in and it vastly overcompensates for ordinary situations.  A good example of this is phobias and fear of cats [elurophobia] comes to my mind. My paternal grandmother had a pathological fear of cats and my unhelpful Grandfather thought it was wildly funny and would tell us as kids, "go put the kitty in Grandma's lap." Screaming ensued, cats were horrifying and alarming to our poor dear Grandma.

 I love this dear and treasured creature

Too much adrenaline can leave the body and the mind in a state of constant alarm and lead to exhaustion. This is the pathology for our age: too much to do, to much over stimulation, not enough down time or sleep. We're almost proud of it, I hear people brag about this. However, when the brain is overloaded it's tendency is to misread ordinary situations as stressful. I give myself as an example of that. Many years ago I was commuting to graduate school, I had a part-time job and an internship; and I was raising teenagers. Some could, I'm sure, do this with aplomb but in my mind it felt more like a bomb. I was as taut as a guitar string. Once a friend caught me crying while riding on the ferry enroute to school. "What's up?" he said. "I'm going to turn in my paper that I spent the weekend on and it's not my best work," I said. "Do you have time to do your best work?" he said. "God, no! I barely have time to sleep." I lamented. "Well turn in the paper and accept that it's not your best effort, it's not the end of the world." All too true and I did calm down and let my standards [too demanding and too high a bar for my circumstances] drift down a notch.

One of the consequences of these repetitive danger and warning signals firing in the brain, can be panic attacks. I have helped many a client through the dreadful feelings of panic and more importantly how to prevent the attacks. As I have mentioned in post before, phobia are one of the easiest things to treat. Panic attack and prevention takes a bit more time. If you've never had a panic attack, it feels as though you are having a heart attack.

Interestingly, because of our over scheduled, high pressure society, people can be in a constant state of alarm.  One of my friends believes that's why there is such a prevalence of antidepressants and tranquilizers. People are so over stimulated that they can't soothe themselves naturally so they need to artificially calm down, hence the drugs.

It is my considered opinion that psychopharmocology has gotten in the way of good therapy. There is certainly a case to be made for antidepressants for severe depression and the very necessary drugs for cases of bipolar illness and schizophrenia but the rest of the time, with a few exceptions, drugs are ridiculously overprescribed. Take the uppers used on children for ADD/ADHD. I have argued for over twenty five years that the first course of action should be family therapy and second, look at the diet and exercise programs of the patient. Currently, the statistic is that one out of ten boys in this country is on some upper or another [adderal, stratera etc.] this just plain silly. Plus I believe it sets them up to have an addiction problem. Please remember who is doing all of the studies on the necessity of these drugs: the drug companies themselves. Do you think there might be a teeny-tiny conflict of interest?

It is normal to feel fear, it's uncomfortable but oh so human to be afraid at times. As a matter of fact, this is a good way to challenge yourself, do something that makes you anxious. Take a chance, risk it. Another  magic prescription for coping with fear/anxiety, sadly for the drug companies, is to teach people to soothe themselves. This can be through changing the invasive thoughts, meditation, writing in a journal, making a cup of tea, doing relaxed breathing and practicing breath control, yoga, exercise, massage, talking to a friend you trust [or a therapist, priest, shaman], going outside for fresh air, smiling, distracting yourself with a good book, etc.  The list is long, but what is not on there is drugs, they mask--- they don't teach lasting calm. No one is going to make money off this list therefore no one is trying to sell these ideas and suggestions to the general public to combat the fear.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Jumping Like a Puppet

This statue is of a man in pain, not laughing but agonizing.

My mother always says fear and pain are immediate, and that, when they're gone, we're left with the concept, but not the true memory--why else, she reasons, would anyone give birth more than once.                                  The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obreht

I had total hip replacement in September and I took notes about the surgery and the recovery. I'm glad I did because if anyone today would ask me about the surgery, I'd be apt to reply, "Oh that, it was a piece of cake." That's my reality today but that is not the truth of what really happened. Yes, I'm no longer in the agonizing pain I experienced prior to surgery. Nor am I in the very real discomfort that went on for weeks after the surgery. As stated above, fear and pain are immediate. How soon we forget and thank god we do.

One of the reasons I put off the surgery for so long was simply: I was afraid. Granted we did have crummy insurance as an excuse, but the other reason was plain old fear. I am not a big fan of voluntary pain. However the pain I was experiencing prior to surgery convinced me that I needed to sign up and sign up now for the surgery. I did, I'm so grateful. Yes indeed, the memory of the fear and the pain have faded so considerably that I have to refer to my journal to remember. That is one of the blessings of the brain.

Unfortunately sometimes the brain gets habituated to fear and pain --- the grooves in our grey matter can run very deep. This is more of a curse or worse. Sometimes our brain keeps erroneously sending out pain and fear signals that make us jump like puppets, long after the pain or the fearful situation is over. My job is to help people retrain the brain.

Tell us all your phobias and we'll tell you what you're afraid of.               Robert Benchley

Anxiety/fear can give us a graphic example about this phenomena. I've had more than a few clients come in with a phobia that started in childhood. One man said, "I tell everyone I'm allergic to bees, but that's not true. I'm afraid of bees." No surprise, he had a dreadful encounter with a hive as a child, hence the fear. Though understandable, the reality is that not everyone that's been stung has this fear. Most of us, at one time or another, are stung by a bee or a wasp and that experience, though unpleasant, fades from memory. This man's anxiety was constantly triggered as a child and he tried to hide the truth with his lie. Instead of facing his fear he used the allergy ruse as his excuse. I cured him with just a couple of sessions, facing the fear, and doing a series of EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing]. After a couple of sessions I said, "hey, just by coincidence, there's a bee on that window ledge,"[I can be a real comedian] to which he replied, "I'm bigger than the bee." Touche!

Pain is similar. Years ago I read a book Healing Back Pain  by John Sarno that convinced me that a good proportion of the repetitive pain people have is connected to the brain's inability to stop the pain signal. Many years ago I found this book because I was having a lower back pain that went on and on. His method worked for me. However, this is tricky to bring up with clients, because who'd want to admit to purposefully causing themselves pain? Going on the assumption that the answer is "no one", I then proceed to find out their medical history. If, like the young strapping man I saw some years ago, he had gone to several doctors and had every reason to be healed from the muscle strain he suffered months prior. I suggested he read the book. Very shortly [he was a quick study] he was enjoying a pain-free life.

The premise of Sarno's book is that the brain is distracting you with pain. These are unusually nice people who absolutely don't want to face/feel the anger or fear in their life. So, the brain valliantly distracts them from feeling what feels irrational or shameful. Sounds screwy, however you'd be impressed how often it works. The first step is to be suspicious of a lingering pain when all medical methods have been tried in vain. I did this and it worked for me.  I have seen people recover in a matter of weeks once they're on the program and realize the deception the brain is playing. The relief of not being in constant pain is enormous and this is very rewarding work. Life can be so sweet without nagging pain.

And sometimes life gives you a cherry on top.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved