Small Town Therapist on the Best Revenge

Eleanor got even in a way that was almost cruel...she forgave them.      Ralph McGill on Eleanor Roosevelt

It's far  easier to forgive an enemy after you've gotten even with them.                                                                                                       Olin Miller

 My husband and I were very distressed and saddened when a bully House Sparrow forced our tiny Bewicks Wrens to abandon their nest by sheer unmitigated harassment. Worse when Mr. G opened the now abandon bird house there were five teeny blue eggs. Ah nature. Though so sad I said to myself "that's nature and nature can be cruel." My husband's response was, "next time I'm going to stand under that nest and harass the House Sparrow." It made me laugh because, well, I was passive and he was aggressive. I'm going to vote for passive in some circumstances, it sits easier on the mind. Always? Heavens no.

 

One of the examples of  'heavens no!' is when here is abuse in the picture. Standing up to anyone who is abusive is imperative even if it's as weak as "it makes me uncomfortable when you talk to______________ that way." The fill in the blank can be a child, a pet, a woman who has been verbally threatened by a bully. Yes, there is a chance that the bully will then turn on you-- I realize that. It happened to me years ago. I was counseling an abused woman when suddenly  her husband crashed the appointment. He started threatening me, yelling. I stood up to him--- who was approximate a foot taller than me. No match. But I stood up to protect my client [not wise, I realize] but happily for me another therapist, a man and my friend was across the hall and came to my defense. In a very commanding way he told the husband "you're way out of line and you need to leave immediately." Thankfully that ended the abuse and yes, I was shaken after the husband left. In retrospect I could have gotten hurt if my fellow, male therapist across the hall had not intervened. But I would do it again.  Because my belief is to shy away from witnessing bullying [abuse] is plain and simple cowardly. 

In extremis, call in the authorities if you are bullied! [This was decades before the availability of cell phones which would have helped and also decades away from the dangerous and ridiculous proliferation of guns.] I guess I was lucky to have the man across the hall. The "authorities" can simply be: a person bigger than you; a bystander; the playground aides; the sheriff; etc. All of us need back up when bullied or abused. This is a sacred duty as far as I'm concerned. You can be kind and insistent but often with bullies this is ineffective.

The idea of  revenge was in a small way on my mind after we had that hateful bully bird. Then I was reading about all the horrible, abusive big things that humans do to each other. Here's a list of some of the awfulness: shootings of innocent people; racism; misogyny; domestic violence; turning a blind eye to starving children; banning books;  prejudices against people of color and/or people who have a different sexual preference; and inflicting cruelty on groups of people who don't share your religious views.  All of these items mentioned of abusive behavior are based on fear and loathing not caring, concern or love. This calls for both active and passive actions: actively defending those who need back up and passive, accepting that all people are not going to think like you do and this may not resolve the issue at hand. Both includes actions--- do unto others and mind your own business. When someone is getting hurt or taken advantage of it is my business. We all can participate to end abuse.

My own son, as a kindergartener, would chase down anyone[boys] on the playground who was a bully.  I loved his audacity. He'd come home with tales of his deeds and would add, "then the girls would chase me around the playground and kiss my arms." Swoon! 

One of my favorite lessons about revenge [and recovering from it] was taught to me by a really kind young man, Hank*. Hank was required by the court to seek counseling and he came to my office. He was a father of four young kids and recently his wife had left him for another man, who was supposedly a friend, and ironically a member of their church. It happens. His response was to fume, then plead, then---when neither of those options worked, after many months of separation from his wife and children, he impulsively took to revenge.  The happy new couple were building a home not far from where Hank was living without his wife and children. My client took matters into his own hands with a bulldozer. Ramming the partially built home to pieces felt great until he was caught and charged with destruction of property. Humbled and honest, he plead guilty immediately. Lucky for him, he got an understanding judge who offered him restitution, counseling and supervised visitation with his kids. No jail time. More impressive was this man took this humbling blow to his ego as a wake up call to change his life. Getting even he learned was not all it's cracked up to be, there often are horrible consequences.

The inspiring part of his story is how much he valued his children and would do literally anything required of him to be back in their lives as a full time father. Hank put his feelings aside and stepped up to be a responsible mature man. He was more casual prior to this incident about his wife and kids.  The other blessing was he was in a church that really was based on love and understanding. His congregation fully embraced him and he faithfully attended all the "fellowship" meetings.  Sometimes it takes a fellowship to raise a father.

The Liberty Bell

You'll never get ahead of anyone was long as you're trying to get even with them.            Lou Holtz 

Our country is divided and that puts stress into each of our lives.  People who are naïve have been taken advantage of. I brook no excuses for taking advantage and lying to people who are vulnerable or delusional. The last president, although he knew that he'd lost, became the world's biggest sore loser. Where was the humility and the wake up call like Hank had to change his life? Instead of being gracious and inspiring to those who voted for him, he whined to to his base that they must believe his lies. [And, oh yes, please send money.] Sadly his voters continue to contribute to his delusional failings. Worse, hard resentful feelings were created against the newly elected Biden presidency. It's so disgraceful that many politicians continue to choose lies over  the truth. Liz Cheney says it's a sad state we're in because "we're electing idiots".  Although that's a funny statement, the consequences are profoundly awful. Some states are electing people ill equipped to run a preschool never mind a state. Would you really rehire someone who believes it's okay to pout, whine after they lost a race? Why is it okay to elect people who are furthering frustration, advancing falsehoods and encouraging anxiety? From a psychological point of view this is comparable to abuse and gas lighting. 

Living well is the best revenge.         

                                     George Herbert 

In my life,  I've encouraged and sometime pleaded with my clients, to let go of things you can't control. In other words, difficult things are part of living. Choosing to live life to the max, always taking into consideration what is best for you, your family and our country is the best choice.  Eliminating the need for revenge through thoughtful action is important. When your mind is focused on getting even who's really being effected? You. Certainly not the person you're trying to one up or retaliate against. Again, I must add, I consider it a sacred duty to stand up to liars as well as abusers. Hence voting out idiots and liars is imperative.

*Hank, of course is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout