They've Got Poochy and They're Gonna Hurt Him!

Throughout history in times of crisis people can either rise to the occasion and use their best judgement or they can descend into irrationality and fear and make atrocious mistakes. Nazi Germany and the people in that country come to mind in the latter category.

Our government in the hands of the already paranoid and ill informed CIA [WMD anyone?] also made atrocious decisions. In 2001 they hired two psychologists, James Mitchell and John Bruce Jessen and over six or so years paid them a total of $81 million dollars because they knew how to create "learned helplessness" in the Guantanamo captives. They convinced the Bush/Cheney administration that "it would be irresponsible not to hire them." In fact these psychologists had "no experience as interrogators and no special knowledge of al-Qaida, no background in counter terrorism."**  The CIA was smitten by their claim that learned helplessness could be created in the detainees and they believed the captives would readily spill their guts. 

What they failed to discover, all of these supposedly smart men, was that the study on learned helplessness was done by Martin Seligman in the 80's. Yes, the Martin Seligman who has spent his career studying "positive psychology". The irony: his learned helplessness study was one of the seminal studies proving the exact opposite conclusion: people can recover from it. I wrote about this study in my post of 11/14/2011:

Long ago, I read a pivotal study by Dr. Martin Seligman that positively influenced me. In the 1980’s his group of scientists performed an unkind experiment with dogs on “learned helplessness.” They  constructed a huge cage with an electrified  metal floor and shocked the dogs randomly until they just gave up, lay down in their cages and awaited the next jolt. They had induced despair. The story could have ended there, with a pack of highly neurotic dogs. However, these were scientists who had hearts as well as brains and they decided to see if they could help these dogs recover.

So, using sausages as rewards, they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think  perhaps I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages."

I used this study and positive psychology continually in my career to great satisfaction. I watched and aided people recover from trauma and as I mentioned, it sometimes did take quite a long time. To recover you need to use your heart as well as your brain.

The saddest fact in all of this is that the CIA, the greedy psychologists, and our government at the time, the Cheney/Bush administration, used this seminal study for evil instead of it's intended purpose---to aide in depressed people's recovery from the grim pit of depression. In other words they used the animal part of their brain, fight and fear instead of a more grounded rational, reasonable approach. No heart working there. In fact James Mitchell didn't object to the findings other than to defend his expertise even suggesting that the torture was better than using drones. How's that for scantimonious obsfuscation. 

Didn't the CIA or anyone in the government at that time bother to read the Seligman's learned helplessness study? Didn't they note somewhere in their investigation that Seligman was using dogs and not people? John McCain is a perfect example on how and why torture doesn't work. He was caged for six years and bravely never gave good information to his abusers.  Another example is the remarkable dear hero of Unbroken, Louis Zamperini who remained unbroken in the face of excruciating torture while a prisoner of war. Torture is disgusting and beneath our dignity as human beings. To condone it defies my comprehension. It is the lowest form of abuse and needs to be called out and eradicated.

For some people torturing humans seems only mildly upsetting which absolutely flummoxes me. Yet if you mentioned that a dog, horse, cat or animal is being tortured they go ballistic. Hence the title of my post today. Save Poochy! If you are one who condones torture and cannot work up a shred of compassion for the humans being tortured substitute your favorite animal. Makes a difference doesn't it?

I liked what Obama said back when he was running for office in 2008, "we [the US] do not used torture." He has been heartily backed up in this report [and all of the studies I've ever read] that proves over and over again, torture does not work. Just ask John McCain.

Today is a new day. We are better, finer than the dark period when Cheney/Bush were at the helm and the CIA had run amok. Let's today honor the John McCains, the Louis Zamperinis and all of the service personnel who have ever been in captivity and eradicate these hate crimes against humanity. 

*This quote was taken from a very good article in todays Seattle Times by Hal Bernton and Kyung M. Song

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

What the Heck

I imagine that the headache from the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was profound

I got a pain in my head, running up the left side of my skull above the ear. It was sharp and recurring every minute or two, I timed it. This naturally lead me to secretly believe that I had a brain tumor and tragically was going to die a horrible death in a matter of days. Then I was lethargic and uninterested in drinking either wine or coffee which prompted me to believe that I was probably suffering from food poisoning and could expect to be puking or worse in a few short hours.

Prone

Finally I brilliantly realized  that if my husband had a cold and I was in direct contact with him, my symptoms may not be fatal [although they felt like it].

This is nothing special, it isn't even a complaint but since last Sunday when I received this present of a cold in my nose, I have been driving myself crazy. Instead of the steady drone of  'what if's' I decided to bring on the couch, the tea, the cough drops, the chicken soup and of course the kleenex. It takes a little thing like this to make me overwhelmed with gratitude that I am not one of the millions that are chronically sick. But I might mention that prior to the correct diagnosis of a simple cold I did catastrophize my plight.

Since it is quite chilly outside and the sun is blasting through our living room windows nicely warming the place, the set up is cozy and comfortable. I'll survive. I just thought you all should know. 

The picture of health

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Bravery of Four Young Women

Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.               Herodotus

Fortune favors the brave.                                              Virgil

I recently watched a documentary on "Pussy Riot" about the brave, fearless young women who stood up to the evil that Vladimir Putin is doing in Russia and in the Ukraine. Currently, no one is standing up to him and calling him out. In fact he is a thug and a criminal who has amassed a gigantic fortune to the tune of an estimated 41 billion dollars. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest this is not his salary. Instead this is the money he's stolen from the Russian nation. But Pussy Riot did something, they wrote and preformed inflammatory songs about the disgrace of Putin's reign. Nadya Tolokonnikova and Masha Alekhina are indeed human-rights advocates. They were tried and then imprisoned for just about two years until Putin was embarrassed into releasing them. Their crime: "making fun of religious people"---seriously.

Now Putin is invading Ukraine and beside these two young women where in the world are the leaders calling out this horrible bully?

Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation.            Susan B. Anthony

In our country another  two young women are making waves, demanding justice and creating havoc...among the universities of this country. Annie E. Clark and Andrea Pino challenged the colleges on how they are dealing with the sexual assault that regularly happens on their campuses. Both women broke with the tradition of not identifying victims of sexual assault and outed themselves. 

According to a report by Rebecca Johnson in Vogue magazine, "rape on campus in not new, one out of every five young women who attend college will, at some point be sexually assaulted." In doing research on the subject of sexual assault, Ms. Clark and Pino discovered a little known lever to aide in their crusade, Title IX. That law was created to insure that women's sports got fair treatment [and $] in the schools. The support came from the Obama administration's Russlynn Ali who in 2011 sent a letter to every university reminding them that "sexual violence is not only a crime but also a form of discrimination thus making it a violation of Title IX which guarantees equal access in education." Knowing that the penalty for violating Title IX is the withdrawal of federal funds, the young women had their lever.  Says Kirsten Gillibrand [New York Senator] who after listening to the young women at her office on Capitol Hill, "we need citizen activists to bring attention to these situations." In other words with the correct lever [withdrawal of funds] the campuses had to start, albeit reluctantly, to pay attention and stop the rampant sexual assaults on their turf.

There has been backlash and while not threatened with imprisonment like Pussy Riot, Anne and Andrea lives have been threatened. Their organization is 'End Rape on Campus' and they have been actively helping women file complaints and providing survivor support. 

Their activism has paid off. My husband and I were just in San Francisco and passed the university that had a banner across one of the entrance gates. On the banner was the Grim Reaper declaring that the school hadn't sufficiently enacted reforms against sexual assault. This is probably one of the 55 colleges under investigation by the Department of Education. Across the country there is now dialogue and the colleges have certainly been warned that sexual assaults will be taken seriously.

These are four extraordinary women who caught my attention for their bravery. This isn't a 'get rich quick scheme'. Clark and Pino confessed they are traveling the country by car and they still dress in clothes from the Goodwill. But they are amazing and all of us that care about the safety of our girls and women owe them a debt of gratitude. As for what you can do: cough up the dough and donate. Go to End Rape on Campus and then like their FB page.

 Every day you probably pass ordinary women who speaking up for their children, or who work two or three jobs to support their families, who volunteer to work for the homeless and that is bravery too. Today I just wanted to honor the women who have willingly not worried about their reputations and their social standing and did the thing they thought they couldn't do. Go sisters.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Please No More Dick Cheneys

Our country was sinking under the Bush/Cheney administration 

More than once I have been startled by something on the ground thinking---"it's a snake or an enormous spider!" only to discover, no silly, it's just a piece of yarn. I react and then laugh at my own foolishness. This seems hauntingly familiar as the voting season rolls around. 

It would be amusing if it were not so disturbing that there are ads trying to convince you that it's not a piece of yarn you see but a boa constrictor!. There are political ads suggesting that Mexico is sending people to this country who have Ebola. Seriously, who is dumb enough to believe that when there is no outbreak of Ebola in Mexico. Another suggestion in some political ads [in the south and southwest] is "Isis is working with the Mexican drug cartels". Doesn't this smack a bit of racism? Where is the droplet of proof for this ridiculous suggestion? These are probably the same dunderheads who were screaming at the immigrant children crossing the border, who were already frightened and alone. Children. Adults screaming and spewing their hatred. This is  abusive for sure, adolescent at best.

Speaking of adolescent, why do many people deny that climate change is happening? Is it because with climate change occurring they might have to change their ways? Change is difficult for most people and especially when it means giving up luxuries or cutting back on your behavior. Yet, fact: 97% of all scientists verify climate change and the 3 % doubters are suspected tools of the oil and gas companies. Sad to say, through peer pressure or plain ignorance, about 90% of the Republican party are climate change doubters.

So, what is the scariest thing to the Republican party: our country is doing well financially. Remember back to 2008 and the disastrous regime of the Bush administration: our country was an embarrassment to the world; we foolishly believed the WMD bit and Bush and Cheney started a costly war that had nothing to do with 9/11; Cheney egregiously profited from that war and nothing was done about his conflict of interest; our economy was just about toilet bound; banks were folding; jobs were lost at an alarming rate and people were losing their homes. Also remember that Osman bin Laden was "hiding" in Pakistan.  

This is what our President inherited when he came into office and all of this changed for the better during the Obama administration. Bin Laden is dead; the administration helped people secure home loans; job growth has been impressive; the banks were bailed out; the economy has rebounded; we are out of Iraq and soon Afghanistan and we have earned respect in the world. 

Republicans claim they can do a better job and want you to vote for them. What has been their most memorable, brilliant strategy to help us out of financial difficulties? Well, they decided to shut down the government in October of 2013. According to Steven Perlberg of Bloomberg "the shut down took $24 Billion dollars out of the US economy." I ask you, what good did that do us? I was in Philadelphia at the time and unable to see any of the historic sights. Millions of people in that tourist destination were laid off from their jobs, without pay because of this stupidity. This is just an example in one big city in our country, it happened in cities all over the United States. Do the math... This sounds like they took notes from Dick Cheney, doesn't it? Why would anyone even consider voting for a party that makes these kinds of financially obtuse decisions? Is that good fiscal management? 

Many of my readers would be surprised to read that I am a conservative---a fiscal conservative. Consider, our budget could be improved enormously by stopping corporate welfare ASAP. Social Security could be overhauled and made even more secure if it was used as it was designed: to help the less fortunate survive in old age. This would exclude giving money to the people like Warren Buffet, the Walmart Waltons; Oprah; Bill Gates; most entertainers and sports stars---you get my drift. People fortunate to make over a million a year would be required to pay in and receive no benefits. It should be considered a privilege to contribute to the security of older folks and the disabled rather that accept government money that any of the millionaires and billionaires clearly do not need. Next to further decrease the deficit we need to eliminate all the tax loop holes that allow the billionaires to go virtually tax free by putting their money in lands and businesses off shore. 

The greatest gift in this life is lending a hand to the needy

Sincerely, isn't it outrageous loop holes are exempt and social programs are being cut? 

What do I find startling? I am repulsed that Dick Cheney has gone free and not been charged with profiteering, sent to prison and required to pay back the billions he collected from the war in Iraq. Hey, they sent Martha Stewart to prison for profiting from insider trading but after all, she's only a woman. EEEEEK!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Kapow! Why Do Women Stay with Abusive Men?

This is how huge domestic violence  feels over one's head

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.      Confucius

When anyone is assaulted: verbally or physically, it is common to mentally get in a world of trouble and confusion. The mind reels from shock, scrambling to decipher what is happening. People from abusive homes mostly do one of two things: they freeze or flee. There is another healthier method which I will waltz you into as gracefully as I can.


Sad but true bullies [the abusers] revel in being on top, frightening people and creating confusion so they can seize the upper hand. [Think Vladimir Putin and Trump] They've learned that bullying has its own rewards: people become frightened and tend to do what the abuser says or wants. A really funny example of this is the dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors".  Steve Martin's over the top portrayal of a sadistic dentist and abusive bully certainly strikes a chord [a poor pun]. However, he perfectly skewers the stupidity of being a bully and he certainly gets his just desserts in the end. In real life abuse is anything but funny.

Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.  Anon.

Why on earth, you might ask, would a woman try to drop charges or defend the abuser, only certainly to have the terror continue? In three words: fear of reprisal. The people in abusive homes are living with  domestic terrorists. They are in essence being held captive and like the "the Stockholm syndrome" from the Patti Hearst case, they will defend and love their terrorists. Obviously this is not healthy love, healthy love is never based on fear. Instead, this is traumatic bonding. Yet, for years the abusive bully uses fear and intimidation with frighten looks, actions or gestures. Listen up: if you take a healthy dogs and abuse them, you are going to wind up with one of two creatures: a cowering, cringing animal or a vicious one. This is why it is not uncommon for men from abusive backgrounds to become abusive. Seemingly senselessness behavior [repeating the abuse] becomes their new reality.

Sadly, from the looks, actions and gestures the bullying escalates: her pretty things are destroyed [never his], he might mistreat the children and the animals, and sometimes brandishes weapons. He escalates, threatening her in every area of her life: financial, emotional and physical. Her self esteem plummets, the result is almost worse than the physical beatings. This is the soul shattering experience of having the person you love try, on purpose, to make you feel as bad about yourself as possible. Unbelievably, when I had my practice I  listened to many a woman cry, not for herself, but for how hard his life was and how sad his childhood was ad nauseum. Finally I'd ask, "OK, well what about you and the kids?" Silence-- then maybe some tears for the kids. A slim dawn of awareness would start and then we'd start the process of her facing the grim truth.

After a bit of coaching, she might come out of her own denial. She might even get brave enough to confront the bully on his violence and the terrible repercussions it's having on the family. Guess what? He'd minimize and deny that it's that bad. Worse, sometimes the culmination of the confrontation was he'd threaten to impoverish her and take the children away, her greatest fear. So, she backs down, all the way down into the morass of the cycle of abuse. Ironically, for a short while he'd be even nice to her, and this folks, is the honeymoon phase. After awhile something [almost always silly and petty] she does or says pisses him off and Kapow!

"Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety...the second stage is remembrance and mourning...the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life."   Judith Herman from Trauma and Recovery

As a psychotherapist my job was to help people suffering from any form of trauma to recover and reconnect with ordinary life. This could take months to years depending on the severity of abuse and trauma. That was also one of the reasons that I studied methods that produced rapid reduction from trauma, I wanted to ease the suffering ASAP. These therapies included but were not limited to EMDR [eye movement desenitization and reprocessing]; brief therapy; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own special eclectic art form of therapy which I modestly called the Grout method [a combination of anything that would work].

Here is roughly what I see as essential to recovery from abuse or traumatic experiences:

1. Work diligently toward the ability to respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth from love in all of your dealings with yourself and others. [A bit flowery but I wrote this for workshops I did in the late '80's.]
2. Go to someone who is safe for you and start the process of telling what happened. [Therapist, a support group, priest, rabbi, shaman...]
3. Surround yourself with people who believe you and are supportive of your recovery from the violence.
4. Give yourself enough time to see if these persons are trustworthy and then inch forward for deeper secrets from your past that make you feel imprisoned.
5. Educate yourself on the best methods of recovery including the 12 Step programs, or any trustworthy group that has a history of success.
6. Establish a safe living environment, establish relationships that enhance you and your family.
7. Let go of people who strike fear into your heart no matter how attracted you are to them.
8. Face your grief and sorrow over what happened in the past with the knowledge that this too shall pass.
9. Be militant about letting go of repetitive destructive thoughts [the brain will to return to these thoughts because it's habituated for years to think this way].
10. Be willing to love without fear.
11. Be willing to challenge yourself.
12. Remember that life is a "cha-cha" and you will take a step backwards occasionally because you are human, keep dancing.
13. Forgive yourself, and do make amends to the ones that you have hurt.
14. The truth is: no one is better than you and no one is worse than you.
15. Be judicious prior to being open with people.
16. Learn to value your opinions.
17. Never forget that the abuse/trauma happened but be willing to forgive. Even the Jews had to come to this conclusions about the Holocaust.

Revel in the beauty in the world

Another one of my dictums about life is to find something amusing each day, and to commit to staying loving and open. None of us are victims of our pasts, move ahead, the day is wide and open, don't go back to sleep, dance forward.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

On Torturing Ayn Rand

There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.          Logan Pearsall Smith

I have Ayn Rand's chair. Really. Apparently she was a very close friend of an author in our small town and somehow gave her this grey vinyl upholstered chair on which she used to write her novels. I'd read one of her books, The Fountainhead and never read the other, Atlas Shrugged. How I acquired the chair was happenstance. I was at the dump the day my friend Colleen was going to unceremoniously toss the chair into the abyss below. I said, "Hey, Colleen, are you getting rid of that chair?" "Yes," she said, "You can have it, I'm moving and can't be bothered with a house sale." "Great, I need something comfortable for my deck." "Oh, you should know it was given to me by Ruth Beebee Hill who told me she got it from her dear friend, Ayn Rand who supposedly used to sit on while she wrote her novels." That incidence occured about ten years ago.

For the first several years I enjoyed sitting in the chair and moved it all around my garden, not an easy task as it was old, well made and therefore heavy. I carefully oiled the legs and put the chair out of the weather each fall. Then I started to be curious. I had been very reverent with this chair and wanted to know more about the former owner. I had read The Fountainhead when I was twenty and remember being impressed. However folks, I was twenty. Since I had her chair I thought I might look into her books again. I didn't like what I read. This was not great literature and I thought her money grubbing and selfishness were repulsive. Then I looked into her biography and found that she wasn't a real swell person. Sure, she got what she wanted, fame and lovers but she reputedly was a miserable human being. Not exactly someone I wanted to emulate or honor.

Funny how these things work, I lost interest in caring for the chair. What happened next happen very gradually. First I stopped oiling the legs, then I 'forgot' and left the chair out in the weather and it developed cracks in the wood of the legs and also in the upholstery. Then I abandon any thought of dragging the chair to safety through the winter and watched out the window as snow piled on it. I had my thoughts of, "gee, I seem to be torturing Ayn Rand." After several seasons like that with the cracked legs, the chair began to sag, bending gracefully toward the earth. Torture plain and simple and I couldn't make myself care.

Finally I said to my husband, "we have to do something about that chair." He said, "I was going to cut the legs off and throw it in the dump." How's that for irony.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 susan r. grout  all rights reserved

Why is it Important to be Amused?

Timing is the duct tape of comedy        
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship                            
love is the duct tape of family.       Susan R. Grout [1995]

Carpe them diems each day as a sage said

As I've previously mentioned, I feel that it's imperative to find something amusing every day. This is generally the first homework assignment I gave to my clients: be aware and amused. When I'm amused with life, it becomes more delightful with the emphasis on the "lightful". 

This delight can happen in unexpected ways, like the day I was working with a particularly difficult and depressed man. As occasionally happens, I started to join him in the downward, hopeless spiral, my mood affected by him. All of a sudden I noticed something was irritating me and I didn't know what. I happened to glance down at my leg. There, before my eyes, was a bulge under my black tights near my calf. I realized- to my horror-  a pair of underpants was lodged there. Unfortunately, I didn't notice as I dressed in the dark that morning. I could hardly contain myself and considered going to the bathroom to take them out. I certainly wasn't going to point out the bulge to my client figuring he just wouldn't understand. So I crossed my legs, hiding my carelessness. Happily the session was almost over. Also thank goodness the next client was a young woman. When I told her the story, the darkness, the underpants in the tights, she started laughing and then I joined her until tears rolled down our faces. I haven't forgotten how joyful our session was and that incident still amuses me.

The exception to the rule: someone who is both inherently and intentionally funny.

Something I've realized: there are intentionally funny people and inherently funny people.

Dad always made my Mom laugh, a laudable trait in a man

I come from a long line of funny people, some intentionally funny like my Dad who had a built in audience at home and his restaurant. He delighted in making his customers [and us] laugh. All my life I believed that his humor was unstudied and effortless. It was only after he died that we found, secreted in his desk, the little slips of paper encased in a rubber band, with hundred of jokes on them. Made us all cry but then laugh heartily at his closely guarded secret. Granted he was a naturally funny person and his timing was impeccable, but it was by no means effortless.

My Grandma Florence was one of those unintentionally funny people. One time she decided to transfer all her money from one bank to the one nearer her new home at my parents. I remember that day, she came into the house from the bus with a grocery bag filled with $88,000-- all the money she had in the world. In a paper bag! On the bus! When we pointed out to her that perhaps this wasn't the safest idea she ever had, she just held her nose and laughed and laughed. The thought!

Of course the most amusing of all in my book are little children. A favorite story concerns my son Zach and his cousin Naomi. They were about six years old playing out on the back porch with 'action figures'. Zach, in a rough voice holding his action figure says, "I'll kick your ass!" Naomi answers, "die for your sins." Ah, yes, different cultures. We who overheard this fell against the wall, out of sight, holding our sides.

My mother, bless her soul, was also an unintentionally funny person. I had been writing and submitting poetry for quite awhile and finally I decided to put together a little album of my poems and gave them to her for her 80th birthday. She thanked me profusely and never said another thing about them. Then at 89 years, we were playing Scrabble and talking about books as usual and she said, "poetry, I don't get it." Really struck me funny. So many people think these things but as my sister Trisha says, "if she thinks it she says it, no filter..."

More on funny stuff in another post, right now to amuse myself I'm going for a bike ride, the sun is shining and as my wise sister Sally says, "carpe them diems."

 You can have fun virtually anywhere.

susansmagicfeather 2014 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved                       .

Ah, Perchance to Dream

Each morning sees some task begun
Each evening see it close.
Something attempted, something done,
Has earned a night's repose.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Think Tank

Submerged in thought, cool sea, dive down deep and
  sculpt myself around the rocks, currents and eddies.
A necklace of stone, bones, shells worn so long
  it's become part of my skin.
Under the skin is a pen with light colors, illuminating all thought.

Sometimes the urge to write is so powerful
   I find myself
   writing on counters, walls, tables, chairs, stairs---
The words must emerge.

Susan R. Grout                         1994, published in Dream International Quarterly

Throughout the centuries one piece of advice given to solving problems that seem insolvable is to sleep on it. The above poem was written after I awoke from a dream about being under water and able to write easily and beautifully. I went to bed doubting my poetic abilities and was given this dream. As a task in therapy I often tell people to request a dream about whatever problematic topic they are dealing with. This can create some interesting solutions if the problem is not too enormous or complex.

If my problems are too monumental usually the first thing that happens is I stop getting a good night's sleep.  I toss and turn, the adrenaline is up full volume and sleep has to be coaxed. Because I'm not getting the very needed sleep, there are no dreams and that aggravates my soul and helps nothing. I had severe loss of sleep several years ago when my mother had a serious stroke and was dying. When I did finally fall off to sleep here is one of the dreams that I had:

I've discovered a barn on our property and in it is an old horse that, sadly, has been tied up next to hay bales and very much neglected. I offer to take care of this horse and realize that it's going to be a huge undertaking.
I awake saddened and with a heavy, anxious feeling.

 It doesn't take a genius to figure the above dream out. Even though I had just spent a week with my mother I felt horrible that I wasn't there to care for her after her stroke, Then two days later she died. The guilt would have been unbearable except for the fact that Mom was surrounded by four of my wonderful, caring sisters and very well attended in her last hours. Several months later Mom came to me in a dream that was sweet and healing.

People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the breakfast table.                               Max Beerbohm

My poor older sister has suffered because of me. I've always remembered my dreams and tortured her with their recitation. Sadly for her this happened many a morning from the time we were little girls. I know I'm unusual in that I find my dreams and the dreams of my friends, relatives and clients fascinating.

Dreams can be enormously helpful and give you a leg up on what's going on in your internal life. They can also neatly summarize how you are truly feeling about a situation. You can see from the dream I had about the old, neglected horse how I felt. Thank God I got that loving, peaceful dream about Mom months later.

With the gained insights from your dreams you can arrive at clues as to what direction you can go in your life. One of the most endearing and memorable bits of dream work that I did in counseling was with a young man, Albert*. Al had moved to our area to start a new life. Al came to counseling because he really wasn't satisfied with his new career. He had diligently tried to be a writer and took a boring day job to keep himself afloat financially. The biggest truth to me was that he very much missed his sweetheart Louise who he'd left in another state. The series of dreams that Al brought into counseling were remarkable, Labyrinthine and extraordinarily detailed. To me, it was increasingly obvious that he desperately was trying to convince himself that leaving Louise was the only alternative. "Why did you have to leave Louise?" I said. "She has an important job in that city and she is very well respected and needed in her position," he  said. "Well and good," I said, "but shouldn't you let her know what's in your heart and let her make up her own mind?"  Finally after several weeks of counseling and his increasing yearning, Al decided that he needed to go back to that state and plead his case to Louise.

The end of that story is Louise missed him terribly as well. She decided to quit her prestigious job and come to be with him. Shortly after she moved here they married, and shortly after that they had children. Happily, Albert was brave enough to trust his dreams as his inner truth and it yielded him the love of his life. 

Dreams like childhood are fleeting

Another  positive side of dream recall are the possibliites of creative ideas, like my "Think Tank" poem. Paul McCartney woke up one morning with the entire melody to the song "Yesterday" from a dream he had. He kept playing the melody to his fellow Beatles because "I just couldn't believe that I'd been given such a gift in a dream". He said, "I thought I must have heard this tune somewhere". I believe that it's one of his best songs and it came effortlessly in a dream. So the point is, don't dismiss what comes to you in a dream, it could be quite valuable. 

Here are a few tools that you need to enhance dream recall:

1. During the day walk around and think to yourself, "am I awake or am I dreaming." This stimulates the brain to get ready to remember a dream.
2. Put a pad of paper and a pen by your bed.
3. Start this project on a night where you don't have to wake up to an alarm clock.
4. Prior to closing your eyes to sleep say to yourself, "I am remembering my dream."
5. When you awake in the morning lay very still and let the thoughts from the night be in your head.
6. Talk about the dream out loud [to the spouse or the cat or dog] and go over the contents, ideas and the feelings of the dream.
7. Write down the dream, then you have it forever more.
8. See if you can figure out what the dream means to you. How do you feel, who is in it, what is the theme?
9. Repeat this procedure for more than a month and see what emerges.

Find another person who will indulge you with the recitation and make a deal---that you will do the same for them. On that note, I am going to bed, but not before I tell my husband my latest dream. Sweet dreams everyone, good night, sleep tight.

*Albert and Louise are not their real names

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Guilty Pleasures and More

Delight at being expressive

Indulging in a lighter weight book

My favorite authors are Tolstoy, Flaubert, Joyce and Proust but right now I am reading The Little Engine That Could.   Emo Phillips

Someone great said, "these are the times that try men's [and women's!] soul. Sometimes you just must be silly, or at least less serious about your reading. I'm afraid, in the past that I'm giving the impression that I read nothing but fairly serious tomes. Not true! And to highlight this I thought I'd compose a list of the less than serious books that I have taken great pleasure in.

From the moment I picked the book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.                                                           Groucho Marx

1. Dave Berry's collections, many funny comments on his life.
2. Carl Hiasen many books of fiction based on actual people and things he picked up as a reporter in Florida. 
3. Lisa Lutz's Spellman series. Funny and quick reads with terrific eccentric characters.
4. Several of the Janet Evanovitch books which can be read out of order starting with One for the Money. If you like them you have 18 or more books to read. The last in the series are not as crisp or witty as the first part of the series.
5. The early GM Ford books, to be read in order, the first is Who the Hell is Juanda Fuca.  Loved his detective but also the cast of characters.
6. Now for the more embarrassing ones on the list: I read all of Jan Karon's books which are sweet as syrup and sappy but oddly soothing. They are all about Father Tim who is the cleric in a small town. One of my sisters who shall remain nameless says "I went to bed with these books and they got me through a terrible time in my life," nothing wrong with that.
7. Calvin and Hobbes, the entire set of his cartoon/comics from
   
   years 1988-1996, all marvelous, charming and true. Used whenever anyone is feeling out of sorts. Excellent therapy!
8. I have read all of Patrick Taylor's books and while they are a tad light weight I do love the characters. The Irish Country Doctor is the first and there are seven or so of them.
9. I happen to love all of Marion Keyes books. Granted they are classified as "chick lit" however they are well written and funny, so much more so than Bridgette Jones Diary for example. Start with Watermelon.
10. I love most of Susan Issac's books and even read Even After All These Years twice because I was recommending it to someone and thought, "did I really love it that much?" The answer was yes.
11. I am an avid fan of Robert Parker and absolutely loved all the nearly fifty [!] books that have Hawk and Spenser in them. Great characters and snappy dialogue, what more do you want? When he died [a bit before my Mom who loved him too] Mr. G and I mourned his passing as though he was our personal friend.
12.  Another book I have read at least three times is Straight Man by Richard Russo, one of the funniest books ever and plus he is an excellent author. One of his first books Mohawk  is very good as well.
13. Speaking of funny my favorite book to give people who are going through rough or sad times is Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. It is laugh out loud funny and Mr. G and I ended up quoting passages to each other as we read this one.
14. Almost all of Elizabeth Berg's books are a good read and my favorite Never Change I have read twice and bought as a hard back. 
15. He'd probably kill me for putting his book on my light weight list but even though it's classified as a young adult book Mr. G and I loved The Absolute True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by the always great Sherman Alexie.

Obviously there are more enjoyable lighter weight books that I'm not recalling at the moment but hey, for a list of plague worthy reads, get crackin'.

Have a wonderful summer

Thanks for all the comments and feed back, I love hearing from my readers!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2020 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

More on Bibliotherapy, One of My Most Requested Posts

There isn't a better present than a new  book, no matter what the occasion

A lovely part of grandparenting 

Start them young, a joy for a live time

  I'm adding to the collection of favorite books that I started years ago on this blog.

My Mama who said, "what would I do without books?"

1. The Invention of Wings- Sue Monk Kidd, not an easy read but based on historical figures, first ones to tie feminism with abolition.
2. The Museum of Extraordinary Things- Alice Hoffman, always a good read.
3. Talking to the Dead- Harry Bingham, main character is a woman detective, Fiona, in Wales that I quite liked.
4. Love Story with Murders also Harry Bingham.
5. Isabelle Allende: Portraits in Sepia; Daughters of Fortune; Maya's Notebook; Ripper. All good the last two her latest the former ones written a dozen years ago or so.
6. Knocking on Heaven's Door- Katy Butler, non fiction and an important book about how we medically over treat the old.
7. How the Irish Saved Civilization- Thomas Cahill, excellent, I did three posts on this I was so taken with it.
8. Let the Great World Spin- Colum McCulla, I plan to read this one every five years.
9. Broken for You-Stephanie Kallos, Seattle centered, excellent read and I loved the characters
10. Four ! by Isabelle Allende: Daughters of Fortune; Portraits in Sepia; and her newest ones- Maya's Notebook; Ripper.
11. Boys in the Boat- Daniel 
12. This House of Sky- Ivan Doig
13. I Still Dream of You- Fannie Flagg
14. Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankel
15. Devil in the White City - Eric Larson

What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the grave.                                                                         Henry Ward Beecher

One of the reason I take great pleasure in writing down these few favorites is because of the requests from readers of the blog and I aim to please. Another reason is that it refreshes my tender memories of the "Friday-morning-two-person-book-club" that I shared with my dear Mother until days before her death in 2010. Sharing these books with you [especially if I get feed back] is deeply satisfying, as is true with all things that I love. 

One of the wisest things we all can do to increase enjoyment and wisdom in our lives is to read, read, read. Then when you find a great book, please do share. My ears, eyes, and heart is open to any new great book finds.

Thanks as always for reading.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

For the Sake of Our Children and the Grands

Sisters showing how much we should value this earth

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, a United Nations group that periodically summarizes climate science, concluded:

ice caps are melting, sea ice in the Arctic is collapsing, water supplies are coming under stress, heat waves and heavy rains are intensifying, coral reefs are dying, and fish and many other creatures are migrating toward the poles or in some cases going extinct. The oceans are rising at a pace that threatens coastal communities and are becoming more acidic as they absorb some of the carbon dioxide given off by cars and power plants, which is killing some creatures or stunting their growth.

Why should/shouldn't you care about this? If you love a child: your own, your grandchildren, your neighbor's, your niece or nephew or any child you heart, then do care deeply about the devastation that is climate change. The concern scientists have been ringing an alarm bell to deaf ears for years and now things are becoming critical. Daily species are becoming extinct and worse, our water and food supply are being threatened. Don't the nay sayers to climate change read the reports by credible scientists?

As any of you know that read my blog I am solution oriented and don't appreciate it when negative articles are written with no solutions being offered. So I will start with the obvious solutions:

1. Have smaller families. Zero population growth can help keep the looming catastrophe at bay.
2. Ride a bike or make a supreme effort to drive smaller vehicles less often. Use public transportation.
3. Fight the big companies who are trying to import coal around the world. This is one of the big problems in China, the air quality is literally killing their population and still they want more coal. No.
4. Fly less often, it is a great user of fossil fuels.

This is from the Union of Concern Scientists:

1. The car you drive: the most important personal climate decision.When you buy your next car, look for the one with the best fuel economy in its class. Each gallon of gas you use is responsible for 25 pounds of heat-trapping gases in the atmosphere. Better gas mileage not only reduces global warming, but will also save you thousands of dollars at the pump over the life of the vehicle. Upgrading from a 20 mpg car to a 40 mpg car can save you 4,500 gallons of gasoline over the car’s life span. At today’s gas prices, that’s a total savings of more than $18,000. 
2. Make your house more air tight. Even in reasonably tight homes, air leaks may account for 15 to 25 percent of the heat our furnaces generate in winter or that our homes gain in summer. If you pay $1,100 a year to heat and cool your home, you might be wasting as much as $275 annually. Take advantage of the free home energy audits offered by many utilities, which can help you identify (and reduce) the most significant air leaks.
3. Buy and USE a programmable thermostat. This can reduce your heating and cooling emissions by 15 percent and save you $180 a year. During the summer, a setting of 78 degrees Fahrenheit is optimal during the hours you are at home, and 85 degrees when you are away during the day.
4. Eat less meat, especially beef. Food accounts for a sizable portion of our emissions. If you want to make cuts here, your best option is to reduce your consumption of meat, especially beef. That’s because a pound of beef is responsible for some 18 times the emissions of a pound of pasta. An average family of four that decides to cut their meat intake in half could avoid roughly three tons of emissions annually. Learn more about the effects of your meat choices. 
5. Use power strips in your home office and home entertainment center. These will curb “phantom loads” and save a surprising amount on your electric bill. Keeping your laser printer turned on when not in use could be costing you as much as $130 annually. Learn more about power strips and other smart tools for saving energy.
6. Upgrade your refrigerator and air conditioner, especially if they are more than five years old. New ones are twice as efficient or more. For fridges: if they’re old an upgrade can pay for itself in as little as three years in energy savings alone. Look for the Energy Star label when you shop for a new fridge or any other appliance, especially freezers, furnaces, air conditioners, and water heaters, which use the most energy). These items may cost a bit more initially, but the energy savings will pay back the extra investment within a couple of years.
7. Get an electricity monitor.Identify where the energy hogs are in your home, which can help you save hundreds of dollars annually. Electricity monitors can be found at most hardware store or you may even be able to borrow one from your local library.
8. Change those light bulbs. New LED light bulbs can give the same light for 15 percent the electricity. That adds up to more than $100 in savings for most families each year. 
9. Wash clothes in cold water. They get just as clean with today’s detergents. But hot water washes use five times the energy—and create five times the emissions. This could save you nearly $100 a year.
10. Buy less stuff. Reduce, re-use, and recycle—it’s not just about pollution, but the strategy will lower your emissions too and help combat global warming.
11. Let policy makers know you are concerned about global warming. Our elected officials and business leaders need to hear from concerned citizens. Sign up for the Union of Concerned Scientists Action Network to ensure that policymakers get the timely, accurate information they need to make informed decisions about global warming solutions.
12. Spread the word. If all Americans reduced their emissions by 20 percent we could shutter 200 of the nation’s 600 coal plants, a great step in fighting the worst consequences of climate change.

Obviously I'm on board for spreading the word. If you are feeling negative or helpless about the state of the world, get active. Don't just sit there, do something...

Our beautiful earth deserves the best as do the world's children

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Pregrieving

Someday I'll...

This is someday, round, full and rich
with possibilities.                                        

An agility of balance, strength and style
come pouring forth.

This is what you are waiting for,
the fullness of today
rife with meaning, tempered
by light, by dark and something
luminescent in between.

Open your windows and
breathe in the air.
Even from a cell
you can see the sky,
the stars.                       Susan R. Grout 2011


One of the sad facts of life is that many of us put our lives on hold and live only for the future. We lean toward a dark cast on the thoughts of the future and we become consumed with fear of what horrible thing might befall us. I call this pregrieving.

Remember from the previous post, our mind wants a job. If someone has been a chronic worrier, and that's how her brain has been nourished, the mind automatically will dive for that part of the brain--- the very long established groove for worrying. As you know from the previous post this route is escapable .

One of the important lessons for those who are always poised to anticipate the worst, the people who chronically pregrieve is to allow the them to go there. I say, "go ahead, worry for awhile". My favorite intervention is to add, "take a paper and pen with you and write down any insights that you come upon when you are worrying." Let that person figure out "what's the worst that can happen?" I say, "this is best done in a timely fashion, let it take minutes, even seconds and then quickly come to acceptance and move on." In moving on, go to that pleasurable activity to redirect the brain from the established groove of worry. This takes commitment and discipline.

I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water                         Wendell Berry

What we are all hopefully trying to do in this life is to live to our fullest. A famous sister frequently adds, "carpe them diems." To which I add, amen sister. So when you have an attack of fear and worry and find yourself pregrieving some future happening, carpe...

I had a nurse friend who shocked many a patient in the ER with the question "what is the worst thing that could happen...". Interestingly even if the answer was, "well, I guess I could die..." the reflection was oddly calming. Really. Then she could talk to them about an array of other choices and things that could happen.

This darling bunny never has a good reason to be fearful, so much love...

What really bollixes up life is fear. Fear paralyzes people and renders them unable to think clearly. Once someone is fearful they stop breathing freely, the breath becomes constricted and it clouds judgement. You become like a little bunny, frozen by the perceived dangers of life. You might notice this shortness of breath and if you do, catch yourself, breathe slowly with longer exhalations than inhalations. Then you will be giving yourself the gift of thought again.

Burying our dear Mother, literally.

If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.
John R. Miller

Death is always the end of the story. We all are going to die, and no one gets out of this world alive. So face death. I know that it's not a terrific thought, but it is the truth. We all must live each day as though it is our last. Live it with love, kindness, hope, charity and generosity as a way to make your place and contribution to this world. Go out with a bang not a whimper. May the powerful force of love be with you.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.