The Brave Women of Iran: Protesting the Morality Police

Women friends are free to enjoy  
each other and yet...  

I'm a fan of the women in Iran who are literally risking their lives to protest the 'morality police' who arrested and then killed a 22 year old woman Mahsa Amini for uncovering her head. This is preposterous, first that there would even be a "morality police" and secondly, murder for a mild protest. Right? How primitive these Iranian men are. Oh, wait, how about the men in Idaho and Texas who have placed a bounty on any woman who asserts the right to control her own body. Think gentle people, think.

The big question today, as it has been for centuries: what's happened to women in all religions of the world? Why is it almost every major religion's policy is to exclude women from all the important functions of their churches and allow misogyny to reign supreme? How can any level headed female today participate in a church which, for all practical purposes, shuns them because of their sex? From Muslims, to Jews, to Catholics to Baptists to Mormons, to name just a few, the treatment of women in their teachings and rules is frankly humiliating and in my mind, non-sensible. But things have started to turn from laughable to oppressive then to lethal. There I said it. Women as cattle.

Until very recently no woman was allowed on the altar in the Catholic churches, no altar girls. This has changed but priests are still not allowed to marry--- as if being intimate with a woman somehow makes the priest unclean. My own sainted Mother used to say, "if they allowed priests to marry they'd fill all those empty pews." She was right. Listen to his: the Episcopalians have allowed women ministers for over two decades, and married clergy, and not surprisingly, they've not come to ruin. 

My conclusion is that all the men in charge of these ridiculous rules are afraid of women. Why are there  'morality police' not only in Iran, the Taliban and even in the Supreme Court of the US? In this country there is supposed to be separation of Church and State. It says just that in our Constitution. Does this even count anymore? Who is violating the Constitution right now by taking away women's rights to privacy with their physicians.

Why are these men [and some deluded women] so afraid of the rights of women being equal to men? Would a man stand for having women decide when and if a man could be  ordered to have a vasectomy or refused one?  Or is it more simplistic; that women will bleed on their altar, or they will decide when and if they want to have a baby? Are they afraid that women will be unwilling to follow the unspoken rules that fosters misogyny and lets females be treated as second class citizens? Getting closer to the truth: could it be that they are desperately afraid of our power, to love, nurture, create and rule?

What is not laughable is one sad statistic: 99% of the pedophilia in the churches is caused by men. I know that the Catholic church has gotten all of the publicity and lawsuits about the pedophiles, but truth be told, there are an equal number of pedophiles in all major religions, [see the list above] especially the ones that are fundamentalist and oppressive in their attitudes towards women. What all of the sexual predators in these hierarchies of the churches have in common is their sex: male. So remind me, why aren't women playing a bigger part in the hierarchy of these churches?

I realize that even though it is purported that the churches are all about spiritual values in fact they are also about power and money. This fact cries out for overseers. There is a movement afoot to tax the churches who are religiously preaching party politics [fundamentalist "Christians"]  in their vast arenas.  Oh, the cries of anguish but there are consequences---they should be taxed.

It is important for us to be electing more women in our country. Women tend to be more sympathetic to people. How many men in Congress wanted to give themselves and all the billionaires tax breaks and yet were unwilling to raise minimum wages? 

We also should be actively recruiting women as watchdogs in our churches. If these men want to keep the power in churches, they need to have check and balances. A good check for the males in power is to have someone of the opposite sex that can keep tabs on the emotional well being of their church members. This I realize is a grand fantasy on my part, but hey it's my blog.

As for the women of Iran, I salute your bravery, compassion and fierceness to defy the egregious acts of the 'morality police'. I for one believe that bullies [which include Mr Trump and Mr. Putin] are the height of immorality. Here's to Mahsa Amini, long may she be an inspiration to all of us.

Dante Gabriel Rossitti's St. Joan of Arc

 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2022 Susan R. Grout 

Sex and Women: An American Dilemma

           

 In shallow shoals, English soles do it,                                                                                Gold fish in the privacy of bowels do it,                                                                          Let's do it, let's fall in love.                     Cole Porter

Falling in love is easy, staying in love with a worthy opponent is difficult as our divorce rates prove. Some of this incompatibility is due to mates having wildly different interest in sex, affection, attention and respect.

remember the fig leaves

Let's look at some of the influences to our views of sex through the ages. Timothy Egan, who walked across Europe, points out the revelation he had on his journey:

As saturated as this walkway is with the artistic and spiritual glories of Christianity, it is also thick with evidence of a confused and conflicted view of sexuality.                                                                                 Timothy Egan   A Pilgrim to Eternity

Amazing, isn't it, that we even have to wonder about other people's sex lives. Humans are a curious sort and comparisons are odious but still there is this buzz about "am I normal"? Part of this is due to our upbringing, our religion or lack thereof, our parents, our lovers, and our view of ourselves.  I'm putting the focus on this country because this nation has some rather strange notions about sex, sexuality, ageism, body image, women and human interactions. 

It's only Premarital sex if you're going to get married.   Anonymous

I was raised Catholic and told to believe that sins could render me ruined in "thought, word and deed" if I thought about sex, requested it and then did it. Three with one blow! So like many a girl before me I had confused notions about my body and sex. It was certainly not presented to me as good, natural, comforting and down right fun. It was especially scary and dangerous for young women.

My mom as a baby

This is brought home to us right now because of the horrible restrictions approved by the Supreme Court. Sadly, many states are restricting a woman's right to privacy with her doctor, and a woman's right to choose if she is willing or not, or even able to carry a fetus to term. Of course one of the reasons for these restrictions of women's rights is that many churches became overly involved with the pressure to control women's bodies, They definitely wanted many babies--- but only from a married woman.  Back in the 50's some of our neighbors were encouraged by the Catholic Church to use the 'rhythm method'. My mother often said, "I had six beautiful children by the rhythm method".  In other words, a fairly useless method of birth control.  In our neighborhood many women gave birth to as many as 12 children. Rarely do owners let horses propagate that often. Puppy mills use this form of torture on these poor female dogs. Guess they wanted the same for these women. No concern to their mental or physical well being. This cruelty ruined many lives and basically led to poverty. However, one baby after another  means more people in the church equals more revenue. The Mormons are supremely guilty of this way to thinking if not more so: women as brood mares, cattle are better treated in the many wives, sister wives, etc.  Also, birth control was forbidden which is as nutty as it comes for a young woman or any woman. The emphasis was on destroying choice of whether or not to have a child was their mission from on high and Planned Parenthood became enemy #1. Just know this isn't about love of women and children, in fact if you think about it, quite the opposite.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.      Matt Groening

Imagine if we reversed that statement and men could have babies and no birth control allowed, no privacy from their doctors.  Do you honestly believe there would such restrictions in place for the men? Would they put up with a baby each year? 

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.                            Shelley Winters

I believe there's a link from our warped perception of what we consider is OK for visuals about human bodies. Think about it, in the U.S, our movies will allow all kinds of horrific graphic violence, torture, murder, blood and gore to be widely shown to the viewing public--- and will only acquire a PG 13 rating. But, God forbid, if a breast, pubic hair, or a penis is on the screen even for seconds, then that movie automatically gets a "R" restricted rating. Don't want our children exposed to the human body.  As a parent I always said I wanted our boys restricted from the most putrid and graphic violence, however [I still think] naked bodies were fine and educational for them to view. This is apparently down right un-American. 

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.                                                               Bette Davis

In the good old US of A there are places in this country that won't allow a mother birth control or to breast feed her baby in public. Think: a baby nourishing herself from her mother's breast is one of the sweetest expression of love we can see. Yet, bottle feeding in public is not restricted, therefore it has to be the bare breast.  I remember the contortions I'd go through while breast feeding: throwing the blanket over the other shoulder and hoping I could avoid the frowns of disgust from the [mostly men] who couldn't let their eyes be sullied by my lactating breast.  How does this honor women and babies? 

Here's from a song I wrote called 

Be a Lady                                                                 Susan R. Grout 2022 all rights reserved

A lady never wrinkles, a lady never farts        

A lady never has grey hair or dresses up like tarts

She’s never bawdy, never rowdy, raunchy or rough

She never swears, snorts, burps or appears tough

These results so boring, I soon was snoring

But that’s the price to pay to be a lady. 

Could someone, anyone, give me an example of rules and restrictions we currently have for men that are even somewhat equivalent to the restrictions we have for women? I'm as eager as the next person to have a bounty of $20,000 on the men who rape, impregnate women, batter women, children and babies and fail to step to their responsibilities or suffer any consequences. How about it, we even these things out. Bounties on men, starting now. Fair is fair. Oh and they might have to drive to other states to escape this, poor dears.

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout 

The Endurance Contest

 

Marriage is an endurance contest.             Robert L. Ricketts

Marriage requires commitment. So does insanity. Groucho Marx

My father Bob Ricketts was a very funny, and a very kind man. He was also an excellent husband and adored my mother from the time he first met her in his early twenties. When asked about his lovely wife and happy marriage he'd always quip,  "marriage is an endurance contest." 

Jane, our mother,  was a beautiful, talented, sophisticated young woman who, when she met him, at first was amused by Bob Ricketts, this funny man. Initially she dismissed him repeatedly with "you drink too much" or "I'm not sure I should go out with you." Ultimately he won her over with his charm, humor and dogged persistence. We, his children and all of Jane's family, were so grateful that she did relent.  Bob became a kindhearted successful businessman, and was beloved by all who knew him. He had employees that stayed with him for over 25 years that he owned the Ricketts restaurant saying he was the  best boss they ever had. 

Behind that rich sense of  humor was a man who was not just rough around the edges but someone who was recovering from a childhood fraught with neglect, grief and numerous problems. Humor can work to deflect a boatload of pain. He used it buoy up himself and all those around him.

When I met my husband I also was somewhat dismissive of him as well. I was dating up a storm in college and he was one of the many young men I went out with. But he persisted and soon I was impressed by how bright, charming and caring he was. Readers I married him.  

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. 

I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we'd run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say to clients, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy and amusement with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. [Since we have been married for so many, many years our arguments, even if passionate, are incredibly quick.] However realize there is an art to arguing. Please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It's OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense--- take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:  http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html, it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say. [If the blog post of my Near Death doesn't appear, I'll send it up again.]

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

from 20 years ago

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout

 

The Shock of Aging

Growing old is like being increasingly punished for a crime you didn't commit.                                                           Anthony Powell   

  The Incredible Shrinking Woman

As some of you know I'm kind of a shrimp.  It's always a surprise to me when I'm in a photo pictured beside my husband, sons and/or grandkids. Well, the situation has deteriorated further, I've lost and inch and a half in height in the last decade. Totally unfair to those of us who are physically challenged. Sadly this is not unusual for women of a certain age. It is definitely not your imagination that your grandmother gets smaller every year. Soon I figure I'll be able to fit into the front a shopping cart. Oh the indignity.

The Semi Bionic Woman

 I'm taller than the 10 and 6 years old
 great nephews

Besides shrinking there are other unwelcome surprises,  for example aches and pains. Aging can hurt. I had a hip replacement which was no fun, then currently I have a pinched nerve in my neck. When I complained to my physical therapist, "this has never happened to me before!" she answered "how often have you been in your mid seventies?" 

Energy Level Stagnation

Of which brings up an unpopular topic: tiredness. Hate to admit it but I was of the near ADD category and could out sprint people half my age. But with the occasional mad dash for an almost missed ferry [see the last post] I rarely run unless forced to. This is concerning because before my normal gate was a semi trot. Don't want to any more. 

You're only young once but you can be immature forever.                                                              Germaine Greer

Fashion Challenged 

Some bikers tend to go for the Harley look, sporting a pony tail, beer belly, chains, tats, logos, and jean jackets. Sometimes those of us of a certain age can sport a jean packet too, minus the beer belly, chains and the tats.  Fashions change but somethings are too good to give up. Jeans and jean jackets, ah.

                                                                                                                   

All Caucasian Women Look Alike

One of my friends is Japanese and years ago she pointed this out to me and I heartily chuckled. Darn if she isn't mostly correct.  White or grey hair, pale, pale skin and a uniform of clothes to try to capture some youthful look. This is an observation, not a criticism. While I have retained my blondish hair, the truth is it's mostly grey.

Wait, Weight

Though I am within a few pounds of what I always weigh, I have  the figure of a toddler without the enormous thighs: a small pot belly, folds in my skin, and an inability to run as swiftly as I used to. I believed women who had pot bellies had let themselves go, over indulgences etc. Guess what, except for the people who have various surgeries to retain an hour glass figure the aging process includes fat accumulation in the midsection. Yes and I'm active! I walk at least 7 or 8 miles a week. Is it my fault that I have a bigger waist? Only the scam artists believe so and want to guilt trip you into buying their products. The science is not behind it. Still, it's not a thrilling prospect to resemble a toddler.

Skin Deep

I vividly remember my mother saying to me after I complained about my wrinkles when I was in my fifties, "go look in the mirror", I went to the nearest mirror, came back on the phone and said, "okay, what?" Mom answered, "it's all downhill from here." Funny. But she was correct, the wrinkles plotted against me. So I tried every anti wrinkle product on this continent to no avail. Useless and now  the wrinkles are planning another take over. Will I do corrective surgery? The truth is I'm violently opposed to voluntary pain, hence no surgery that's not necessary for me. Ouch with elective plastic surgery and why? To look younger? Really, why bother. I haven't noticed any paparazzi hanging about and no one is arranging a photo shoot for me. As my blessed grandmother used to say, "I earned every one of these wrinkles." Indeed, so have I.

Day Dream Believer

One of the things I never intend to give up is being a day and night dreamer. I'm also one who records those dreams. In all of my dreams I'm looking about 45 years old, spunky, fierce and out spoken. Then I awaken and reality hits and I look in the mirror. Oh, oh--- no more delusion. Starting me back is a small blondish older woman who has quite an attitude and looks very much like her mother. This is the shock of  aging. One day you're looking at your hand being concerned about a bit of arthritis and then it seems like in no time you're seeing that same hand that incredibly resembles your long dead grandmother's hands. Then my nose is bigger and as is my waist. I don't lie about my age or weight but I do about my height. It's such a shock that one shrinks as we age. Who knew? Everyone apparently. I was the oblivious one. Everyone who has an elderly relative might notice in pictures from the past that the relative then was taller. I'm amazed when I see pictures of myself with my family that I'm now the smallest member. So what.  Napoleon was a shrimp. 

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout