Flunking Ladylike

The word LADY: most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.            Fran Lebowitz

 I was an oblivious child, the kind who daydreamed quite a bit. Among my other qualities I was a 'tom boy', who preferred running, jumping rope, riding bikes, climbing trees to the more sedentary activities.  Hence I have never understood, or even care to understand, the term "ladylike". Look it up, it's definition:  "a woman of chivalrous devotion". Huh? It always seems to me to be equated with boring and no fun. As a lady, you were required to sit a certain way, to walk a certain way and be to a certain way. Ugh horrible.

Heaven help them they tried to make me more ladylike. "Fort Nightly" was offered at our local playground. When I was In the seventh grade I was required to attend this function with all the other kids in our neighborhood. Imagine my surprise  when we had to wear, not only dresses but gloves [!]. We were there girls and boys to learn to dance. That was a worthy enterprise. 

I love to dance, always have. I took years of ballet, tap and some jazz classes. However Fortnightly was much more regimented and about as far away as you could get from loose and natural. Unbeknownst to me, I needed glasses and was unable to clearly see the faces of the boys way far across the dance floor on their side.  I know I must have appeared to be either stuck up or very shy, neither of which was true. Somehow I did get asked to dance and learned to fox trot and waltz but as soon as the dance was over I raced home to rip off the dress, the gloves and get into my real clothes. 

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.                                            Letty Pogrebin

Boys in grade school were my good pals, since I liked to do what they did. Once I entered high school, that all changed. I went to an all girls high school and those friendships with the boys definitely fell by the way side. This also happened to my girlfriends who went to different high schools so there's no discrimination really. Overwhelmingly, I did enjoy being at an all girl's school. We wore uniforms so there was never the bother of trying to be fashionable which was a hopeless task for a oblivious tom boy like me. I got to play all the sports offered which were, in those days, not available to girls in the co-ed high schools: soccer, soft ball, volley ball, track and field and basketball. I used the excuse that I wasn't stellar at basketball because I was short, but it wasn't true, I just wasn't star quality. This was a quite a come down from my "Queen of All Parks" days [see post 5/26/11 "The Lady Vanishes"] but somehow I coped with the lack of fame and had a wonderful time being athletic. I was trained for athleticism by the fact that my sisters and I had only one rule about playing outdoors: be home by dinner time. This laissez faire attitude of  parents gave all of us children lots of time to practice kick-the-can, hide and seek, running from neighborhood bullies and climbing trees. I wish this for all the girls in the world, freedom plus the fabulous educational opportunities I and my sisters had.

I love a blond girl who can show a fierce game-face

I love a little blond girl who is aggressive on the field

 Many studies state that the girls who are most active in sports tend to have fewer problems in life, especially in their teenage years. That gets my vote. I tell all my clients to encourage their daughters to participate in as many sports as they can. Even the girls who are reluctant, once they have the opportunity to blast a baseball or make a basket learn to be enthusiastic and thrilled by their new found skills. Sadly, because of budget cuts in the schools, many of the hard fought Title IX sports that girls could be doing are being taken away. Might I suggest that this participation in sports could be looked at as a minor prevention program? Might I also suggest that this could induce smoother sailing for families through the girls teenage years? might I also suggest that perhaps the vast sums of money spent on the boys sports could be shared with the girl's teams? Win/win.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman...                        Oscar Wilde

 

Another thing the all girls high school prepared me for was college. Again, because I was near sighted [and this time knew it but was too vain to wear my Bat Woman glasses], I sat in the front row of all my classes so I could see the board. When the professor asked questions of the class and I knew the answer, my hand would shoot up and they [sadly, mostly out of amusement] would call on me. It wasn't for months that I finally figured out that no other young women were answering questions. Why? I literally couldn't figure it out. The women I met at college were all very bright and personable, so why weren't they responding in class? You've probably guessed it, they didn't want to draw attention to themselves for fear of being thought overly bright. That would detract from their "ladylikeness" and horrors! That might make one of the interested males feel intimidated and not superior to them. I, however, flunked that test without even being aware there was a test.  I took pride in selecting my responses to the guys I knew with humor and insight. This served me well my life.  I recommend obliviousness plus a dash of nearsightedness, and a sprinkle of tom boy to all girls. This combination weeds out all of the young men who are intimidated and/or put off by outspoken, forthright, funny and intelligent women. I ask you, doesn't every woman want a man who sees her as his equal? I am here to attest that it's wonderful in a relationship.  As Gottman says in his seminars "Egalitarian relationships have the best chance of success."

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not that difficult.                                                            Charlotte Whittton

The women that I admire are all bright, energetic, hard workers who are devoted to their families, jobs and country. Some say that it's only certain women who are born with a propensity to excel. I vehemently disagree. I think that many, many more girls given the proper amount of freedom, encouragement and education would excel in various ventures: sports, drama, business, sciences, politics, the arts, music and so forth. Think of the human endeavors that could be enhanced and realized by merely providing education and encouragement for all our girls. 

mom 1942

When I was visiting my mothers several years ago during Obama's presidency and we were watching a program about women in third world countries who were starting their own businesses.  I mentioned good organizations were helping to give opportunities to help these women and their families. Then  my mother paused then said, "it's the women who are going to save this world." 

I might add that it's also important to help our sons to be devoted feminists. It's a guaranteed good investment in all of our futures to recognize and support the girls, women and the future if we are to save the world.

susansmagicfeather  2021 Susan R. Grout 

Flunking Ladylike

The word LADY: most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.            Fran Lebowitz

 I was an oblivious child, the kind who daydreamed quite a bit and was a 'tom boy', who preferred running, jumping rope, riding bikes, climbing trees to the more sedentary pursuits. Hence I have never understood, nor do I particularly care to, the term "ladylike". "A woman of chivalrous devotion" it says in the dictionary. Huh? To me, it always seems to me to be equated with boring and no fun. You were required to sit a certain way, to walk a certain way and be to a certain way. Ugh.

God knows they tried to make me a lady at "Fort Nightly". In the seventh grade we were required to attend this function where we had to wear dresses and gloves and learn to dance with boys. I love to dance, always have. I took scads of ballet, tap and some jazz classes. This was much more regimented and about as far away as you could get from natural. Unbeknownst to me, around this time I needed glasses and was unable to clearly see the faces across the dance floor on the boy's side.  I appeared to be either stuck up or shy, neither of which was true. Somehow I did get asked to dance and learned to fox trot and waltz but as soon as the dance was over I raced home to rip off the gloves and get into my real clothes. This was just the start of trying to turn me [and all of the other girls I knew] into  a lady.

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.                                       Letty Pogrebin

Boys in grade school were my pals, since I liked to do what they did. Once I entered high school, that all changed. I went to an all girls high school and those friendships with the boys definitely fell by the way side. This also happened to my girlfriends who went to different high schools so there's no rule here. Overwhelmingly, I did enjoy being at an all girl's school. We wore uniforms so there was never the bother of trying to be fashionable which was a rather hopeless task for a oblivious tom boy like me. I got to play all the sports offered which were, in those days, not available to girls in the co-ed high schools: soccer, soft ball, volley ball, track and field and basketball. I used the excuse that I wasn't stellar at basketball because I was short, but it wasn't true, I just wasn't star quality. This was a quite a come down from my "Queen of All Parks" days [see post 5/26/11 "The Lady Vanishes"] but somehow I coped with the lack of fame and had a wonderful time being athletic. I was trained for athleticism by the fact that my sisters and I had only one rule about playing outdoors: be home by dinner time. Gives you lots of time to practice kick-the-can, running from neighborhood bullies and climbing trees. I wish this for all the girls in the world plus the fabulous educational opportunities I and my sisters had.

I love a blond girl who can show a fierce game-face

I love a little blond girl who is aggressive on the field

Many studies state that the girls who are most active in sports tend to have fewer problems in life, especially in their teenage years. That gets my vote. I tell all my clients to encourage their daughters to participate in as many sports as they can. Even the girls who are reluctant, once they have the opportunity to blast a baseball or make a basket learn to be enthusiastic and thrilled by their new found skills. Sadly, because of budget cuts in the schools, many of the hard fought Title IX sports that girls have are being taken away. Might I suggest that this participation in sports could be looked at as a minor prevention program? Might I also suggest that this could induce smoother sailing for families through the girls teenage years? Win/win.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman...                        Oscar Wilde

Another thing that the all girls high school prepared me for was college. Again, because I was near sighted [and this time knew it but was too vain to wear my Bat Woman glasses], I sat in the front row of all my classes so I could see the board. When the professor asked questions of the class and I knew the answer, my hand would shoot up and they [sadly, mostly out of amusement] would call on me. It wasn't for months that I finally figured out that no other young women were answering questions. Why? I literally couldn't figure it out. The women I met at college were all very bright and personable, so why weren't they responding in class? You've probably guessed it, they didn't want to draw attention to themselves for fear of being thought overly bright. That would detract from their "ladylikeness" and horrors! That might make one of the interested males feel intimidated. I, however, flunked that test without even being aware that there was a test being given.  I took pride in selecting my responses to the guys I knew with humor and insight. This has served me well in the whole of my life.  I recommend obliviousness plus a dash of nearsightedness, and a sprinkle of tom boy to all girls. This combination weeds out all of the young men who are intimidated by outspoken, forthright, funny and intelligent women. I ask you, doesn't every woman want a man that sees her as their equal? I am here to attest that it's wonderful in a relationship. I could never intimidate my husband.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not that difficult.                                                            Charlotte Whittton

The women that I admire are all energetic, hard workers who are devoted to their families, jobs and country. Some say that it's only certain women who are born with a propensity to excel. I disagree. I think that many, many more girls given the proper amount of freedom, encouragement and education would excel in various ventures: sports, drama, business, sciences, the arts, music and so forth. Think of the human endeavors that could be realized by merely providing education and encouragement for all our girls. I mentioned thought to my mother and she added, "it's women who are going to save the world." It's also important to help our sons to be feminists. It's a guaranteed good investment in all of our futures to recognize and support the girls, women and the future of our saved world.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Small Town Therapist On Aging.

 At Mom's request putting her to rest on top of Dad.

And every part of you is blasted with antiquity.              William Shakespeare

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.                                                         Sigmund Engel

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that's disgusting!              Gracie Allen

Aging has been on my mind, literally. I will be in a simple discussion and reaching for a word that seems unattainable when suddenly it will come to me: tank top. Why is that so hard? Guess things are becoming clogged up there in the internal information highway. If that's all that was becoming clogged I truly would have no complaints.

 I do have few complaints, but the few I have suck. First, I can't hear as well as I'd like, which I  remedied with hearing aids. Then my hip is wonky and I had to have hip replacement surgery.  I am not going to mention the sagging or wrinkled parts because as an older lady friend of mine said, "at least wrinkles don't hurt," they are disappointing though.  One of my sisters and I say the we have "carp mouth".  I prefer to think that I am in the august company of Katherine Hepburn who suffered from the same malady. Did I mention being delusional at times?

One of my favorite "older fiddles" who died more than ten years ago aged with vigor and humor, my Mom. The reasons she was such a good role model are many, but narrowing it down to a few, she took risks, she took charge, and she never felt sorry for herself despite difficult circumstances.

At the age of 75 she got married and moved to Milwaukee a town she hadn't live in for more than 65 years. When her husband was irrevocably failing she sold their house, hired movers and moved him and herself into a residential care facility. It was only after he died that she confessed how truly awful the last four years of her husband's life were for her. Many, many trips to the emergency room, often in the middle of the night---in winter--- in Milwaukee. Mom never complained. I said "Mom, why didn't you tell us how bad it was?" She said, "I didn't want to worry you and this is the life I chose." I asked her "altogether, how was the marriage?" After a moment she said, "it was fine for three years but after that I realized I should have gotten a dog." 

The last year of my mom's life I got to visit her four times and each time it got harder: her body was failing. She suffered a heart attack one month after her husband died and never regained her former stamina. Being a daughter and one who wanted her to live forever as only children can conger, I had a tough but frank discussions with one of the wonderful nurses who visited with mom. "You know this heart condition is going to eventually kill her," she told me. "Of course I know that," I said prevarication leaking between my pearly whites.

 Years ago, my father who "dropped dead" at only 67 years old often told us "I don't want to suffer the indignities of old age." Dad didn't. Mom however was brave with all of the indignities of old age: the bladder not what it used to be; the inability to walk at less than a slow stroll; and more awful still, losing her balance. Due to a particularly spectacular fall onto her coffee table, Mom cut herself up so badly she had to go to my sister Trisha's house to recoup. Trisha who lived the closest of all of the six siblings was the hero of the family and cared for Mom so tenderly and graciously.

I must add that our mother was beautiful and sharp until the end. On my very last visit to see her one month prior to her death, we played Scrabble, read our books, enjoyed old movies on TMC. A highlight was witnessing, together, a glorious thunder and lightening storm in the middle of the night. During the storm, we relished the thunder that awakened us and were thrilled by the lightening illuminating the small apartment and the city below as well. My only regret is that I didn't crawl into bed with her. 

Mom was barely eating at this point with very little appetite. [ I said, "I'm thinking about a sandwich with avocado, cheese, lettuce and tomato, want one?" "Sure," she said...then proceeded to eat one quarter of the sandwich.] 

Mom, who was very modest, told me she wanted to take a shower. Of course with the questionable balance I had to be right there--- my arm ready to steady her naked self. The warm water gushed as she stood naked under the stream, she closed her eyes, raised her head to the warm water as I held her gently. I was amazed at her beauty. I remember thinking her aged body was lovely, tiny but lovely, and as soft as a baby's skin. We come into the world that way and we go out that way, if you take care of yourself.

So, I gladly accept my aging body. I try to love it as I've done with all my grandchildren: give it good food, lots of sleep, exercise in the fresh air, good friends, loving husband and family, and last but not least good thoughts every day. I am grateful beyond words for all of the people in my life and the pets I've loved and my circumstances. This grace period cannot remain as it is forever, that is the wish of my child self, but while it is here, hallelujah I rejoice. So, age is inevitable, let's dance!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2023 Susan R. Grout

I'm Soooo Tired/ On Sleeping Well

I'm sooo tired, I haven't slept a wink
Although I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink.   The Beatles

Those "no-sooner-have-I-touched-the-pillow" people are past my comprehension.                                           J.B. Priestly

Getting a full uninterrupted night's sleep has become the new sexy. Anyone with any doubts about that last statement has never been in the care of a colicky infant or a child sick with the stomach flu. The next day guarantees that even the thought of the bed acquires a certain longing and lustfulness usually reserved for a lover. It is drink for the thirsty and food for the hungry all rolled into one. Depriving a human being of sleep, and waking them frequently remains a favorite method of torture. Nice thought, couple this with waterboarding and you've got a 'Dick Cheney ideal'.

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep, counting my blessings." from the movie "White Christmas"

Unless something earthshaking is going on in my life I sleep very well. I make sure I do something physical most days, I don't watch TV, I go to bed early, I read in bed, then I fall asleep for at least 7 1/2 hours and wake up refreshed. However years ago when menopause hit, it was like a sledgehammer. Suddenly I was wide awake at 3 AM wondering, "what the hell"? So my study about how to induce sleep and stay sleeping started about 20 years ago. Here are some of the best methods that I've found and I joyfully pass them on to you:

1. Read before falling asleep. Think about it, reading with your eyes going back and forth mimics how the eyes beat back and forth in REM sleep. I know there are people who advocate getting up out of bed to read and I call them spoil sports. Nothing is comparable to snuggling down with a good book in a cozy bed. A cautionary note, don't read something too frightening or exciting, try something soothing or funny. That book can lighten the heart in even the darkest hours.
2. Exercise during the day or up until about 3 hours prior to bed time, this improves your sleep quality immeasurably and makes you feel virtuous to boot. Not a bad combo. Yoga and stretching exercises three to four times a week helped women to fall asleep according to the Fred Hutchinson Research Center. Vigorous exercise too close to bed time is overstimulating, really good love making is the exception, go for it.
3. Temperature: Make sure that your room is cool, [less than 65 degrees]crack open a window if possible. Try for approximately the same bed time each night. Then body expects to sleep and so this enhances the chances of falling asleep sooner. My daughter in law swears by sleep socks and on really cool nights so do I.
4. Bath or a shower: Many parents do this with their children and you should do this for yourself: take a warm bath, it relaxes the mind and soothes the body.
5. Lose the caffeine:  Cut off the coffee or any caffeinated beverage after 2 PM. Use the teas and foods that work to induce sleep: chamomile tea, peppermint tea, milk and carbs [like breakfast cereal, toast, crackers] cherries, [dried or fresh or juice]; walnuts, and peanut butter is a partial list. Remind yourself that alcohol can compromise the sleep cycle, it is a depressive sedative drug and it may get you to sleep but when it starts to wear off it irritates the nerves and bingo you're awake in the middle of the night. No fun at all. The widely accepted studies state that men should have no more than two drinks a day and women one. More than one gals and you're asking for semi-insomnia.
6. Self hypnosis: Should you wake in the middle of the night try saying to yourself, "I'm asleep, I'm asleep..."etc. or "I'm so sleepy" or "I'm 9/10ths asleep". Do this before the brain kicks in with: "oh, drat I'm awake" and then agitates your system. Do these sleeping mantras and you'll be giving your conscious and subconscious directions to stay asleep instead of being awake.
7. Quiet the mind: my favorite saying to myself is "the mind is clear". Make the mind behave, you are in charge. If that doesn't work, one good trick is to put yourself mentally in a beautiful, comfortable room, imagine yourself closing all the doors, turning off the lights and letting all be blackness. Another tack to take is to let your imagination go on an internal guided journey to a lush and wonderful place. Enjoy the warmth of the imaginary beach or deep forest and sink into your cozy bed. Revel in these thoughts and smile, and if you need help keep saying the word 'smile' to yourself until you drift into dream land. 
8. The Breath: Do various gymnastics with your breath such as "let the body breathe you" as one of my yoga teachers was fond of saying. I read about another technique in Andrew Weil's book: put the tongue on the top of the roof of your mouth behind the front teeth. Breathe in through the nose for 4 counts, hold for 7, then out for 8 counts. Supposedly this simulates how we breathe when asleep and I've used it often on myself and a host of clients and it works well. Again from yoga, the three part breath: first let all of the air out of your lungs, then bring the air back in visualizing the three parts of the lungs, lower, middle and upper. Starting with the diaphragm, breathe in for 3, breath in for 3 more in the middle lung and then 3 more for the upper lung until you are full of air, then hold for 2 counts and slowly breathe out for 12. Do this routine for 5 rounds.
9. Counting backwards with the breath: One of my favorite elderly [anyone twenty years older than me] clients gave me this one. She said, "Take a deep breath and say to yourself, '100'  as you let go and breathe out, then the next breath, '99', then '98'...you get the picture. I never make it past 80 before I'm asleep." In counting also remember "when I'm worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep, counting my blessings." It's a lovely way to induce slumber. Always have a gratitude/blessings list you can work off of.
10. Tense and release the muscles: first tense all of the muscles in your body, be as stiff as a board then roll up in a tiny ball, tense then release with the breath. Next do one part of the body at a time, starting with the feet, tense, tighter, tighter, then release; then the ankles, tighter, tighter --release; then the calves, etc. until you reach the top of your head. Let go completely and drift down the river of dreams. Say to yourself, "my arms are relaxed, my legs are relaxed, my mind is clear."
11. Vitamins and pain reducers: One old client got me on to "two aspirins and two Tums" but I got concern about taking too many aspirins [or ibuprofen or Aleve or Tylenol] so I quickly switched to a calcium, magnesium, vitamin D tablet every night. This settles the stomach and calms the nerves. Sometimes if I am really agitated I will resort to a half of an antihistamine, or an aspirin and perhaps a Calms tablet which has Valerian in it.
12. Aromas: lavender and jasmine are effective for inducing sleep [Health Magazine], the easiest way is to get some lotion which has either or both of these and rub some on your and what the heck, under your nose. If you still find yourself tossing and turning, get up and write a list of what's bothering you with some possible solutions you can tackle in the morning. If you are still awake remember what my sister Trisha says, "you'll get plenty of sleep when you're dead".
13. The mysteries; being awake in the middle of the night is a great time to practice meditation. You are already laying in the corpse pose so just revolve your arms so that your palms are facing up and let your body breathe you, let your mind go and keep coming back to the breath. Listen to what the universe is trying to tell you, "think lovely thoughts" as Peter Pan suggested just allowing yourself to drift into a meditative state.

14. Acupressure points: put all four fingers up on your forehead between the eyes, press gently for one minute, breathe evenly and deeply. Then put the four fingers on the top of the foot between the big and second toe, hold that for a minute, next on the sole of the foot toward the heel and finally rub the outer edges of both ears for a minute. If you are lucky enough to have a willing partner to do this for you it is blissful.

Remember that even laying there awake but meditating or thinking loving thoughts has scientifically shown to be almost as beneficial as sound sleep.

So to all a good night, may you sleep well and enjoy the pleasure of waking rested.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.