We should treat our minds as innocent and ingenuous children
whose guardian we are,
be careful what objects and what subjects we thrust on their attention.
Henry David Thoreau
Here is a favorite family story. When my brother was a wee lad of nine or ten years old he decided to dress up as "Stupid Man". He made his own costume, a torn sweat shirt with the name "Stupid Man", and as I remember it, he had his pants on backwards and his shoes on the wrong feet. Even at this young age he had a good grasp of the absurd. We were having a party that day and my mother instructed Bob in his full costume, to "go down in the basement and get the watermelon." Cheerful as usual, brother Bob bounced down the basement stairs and after a couple of minutes, Mom yell after him, "whatever you do, don't drop the watermelon." As she was yelling that order he was on his way up. He looked up and 'splat', dropped the watermelon. Watermelon cascaded down the basement steps, a horrific mess, and we, his siblings, roared with laughter.
Bob was chagrined in his "Stupid Man" costume, uncertain as what to do next. But we knew just what to do. We chorused "whatever you do don't drop the watermelon" until he was laughing too. I'm not sure my mother found it quite as amusing as we did [she was the one who had to clean up], but she grew to love the story too. To this day I can't look at a watermelon without wanting to utter that phrase.
One of the peculiarities of our brains is that they hear words and commands and ignore negative instruction. The best example I can think of [besides, "whatever you do..."] is one relevant to anyone who as ever tried to diet. If you are constantly mentally listing what you can't have: "I can't eat sugar, I can't have a donut, I can't have chocolate, etc. after awhile that's all you can think of. "Sugar, donut, chocolate, now" says the brain, until, gee whiz ,you have a craving for these treats defeating the diet. Another food example that exemplifies the brain/ body connection is try saying this to yourself: "I kiss and then suck the juicy lemon." Makes you pucker, no?
Coaches in the sports world figured this out eons ago and started coaching people with positive instructions, which works better and goes down easier. This is especially true of training dogs who respond more effectively to 'good boy' and to ignoring their more obnoxious traits [an effective trick is turning your back on them when they jump up]. Now for humans, one example I found useful I read in a biking magazine: when approaching a hill that seems daunting say to yourself, "this hill is flatter than it appears." Trust me this does not work all of the time, but 80% is better than 0%. Most successful athletes engage in positive, encouraging self talk while playing their sport. This is backed up by an old and interesting study. In the study the experimenters created three basketball teams. One team was instructed to practice, every day, shooting free throws. Another team was instructed not to practice the free throws at all and the third team was instructed to visualize themselves making the free throws every day but not to practice. Of course the team that practiced had the best score, but a surprisingly close score was the team that just visualized. The "Music Man" was right! He merely instructed his music students to think about the music, they didn't even own the instruments. Although he was supposedly a charlatan it turned out he was an encouraging good coach [and an all around love able fellow who could sing and dance which has not much to do with our story but I do love that musical]. When the kids played it did sound wretched yet far better than if they had just blindly picked up a tuba. Your thoughts do influence your actions. Then, if add your words and positive self talk to that equation and you are on your way to a successful action.
The reverse, unfortunately, is also true. When my darling husband was coaching Little League one of his player's Dad was an truly obnoxious man who would always yell gross comments from the side lines: "watch what you're doing, you stupid kid, chase that ball, now you're going to drop it." And by God, the kid did drop the ball, after looking anxiously at his Dad. My husband had to finally throw this hyperventilating Dad off the field and talk with him afterwords. "Tom, if you can't control yourself, you can't come to the games." My brother had an old costume designed specifically for this man.
Everybody loves a lover
I'm a lover that's why
Everybody love me.
An old song sung by Doris Day in the 50's
He who distributes the milk of human kindness cannot help
but spill a little on himself.
James Barrie
Bringing love into this equation completes the circle for successful action. Self love is important, as important as self respect. If we are truly good and kind to ourselves it is a breeze to be so to others. The rewards are ten fold, and as Daniel Webster says "what a man does for others, not what they do for him, gives him immortality." Not a bad return on your money. One of the easiest ways to be kind and good to yourself is to be your own cheerleader, coach, with positive messages to be delivered on a regular basis. Simple affirmations are useless unless uttered endlessly, until they are finally believed and ingested. Most of the people that I have seen in counseling have heard about affirmations but tend to pooh-pooh them as 'new agey'. Silly, because if as I explained, our thoughts influence our actions and our feelings, this is a quick way to change the grind of internal negativity. The trouble is changing a thought is a steep uphill battle when you've been calling yourself bad names for years. Ah, this is when we can steal from the bike magazine, "this hill is flatter than it looks." Said more than a thousand times a day, you can become encouraging rather than discouraging to yourself.
Reversing the curse
When I said a thousand times a day, I wasn't kidding. You figure that the internal dialogue with yourself has been going on for many years, probably since childhood and it is going to take a powerful commitment to reverse the cursing that you have been doing to yourself. Sign up today. Figure out what you have been saying to yourself that you would never say to a beloved child, then turn it around and repeat 10,000 times. Might take awhile. My [step] Grandfather used to say, "it's nice to be nice" and "it would be different if I didn't care," and we heard that over 10 K times I am sure. Not bad messages to have implanted. So, catch yourself. If you are internally muttering things like "you stupid, foolish girl/boy" turn that into "you dear, love able woman/man". And even if it makes you laugh, it will be a cheerful laugh, not derisive or critical one. Have fun with coming up with much better sentences that you can mutter.
And you know what? It is nice to be nice. Put those good encouraging thoughts in that brain of yours and start today reversing the cursing. Today, now. Go!
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Now Spit! Songs from Little Shop of Horrors
The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.Confucius
When we are assaulted, verbally or physically, most of us emotionally get in a world of trouble and confusion. The mind reels trying to decipher what is happening. People from abusive homes mostly just do one of two things: freeze or flee. There is another healthier method which I will waltz you into as gracefully as I can.
The person doing the assaulting needs a name and for lack of a better term- 'bully' will do. Of course, there are the more dangerous ones, the unfortunates who have grave mental illnesses and really do need to be locked up forever, but for our purposes, let's focus on the bullies.
Sad but true bullies revel in being on top, frightening people and creating confusion so they can seize the upper hand. They have learned that bullying has its own rewards, people will do what you say or want. A really funny example of this is the dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors". Steve Martin's over the top portrayal of a sadistic dentist and abusive bully certainly strikes a chord -a poor pun. However, he perfectly skewers the stupidity of being a bully and gets his just due in the end. In real life abuse is anything but funny. My take on this is it's better to laugh at the bully than agonize your way though recovery from abuse. [Also see Mel Brook's "The Producers" that made gleeful fun of Hitler.]
In 1979 when the two other women [Jan and Ingrid] and myself founded the support for victims of domestic violence, we had little help from the media and in fact not much from the scientific community as well. There just weren't many people studying domestic violence and so there weren't many studies to back up our cause. The stories were not glamorous enough and so much shame was attached to being abused that even Hollywood stars made sure it was very hushed up. As I remember it, one of the only books that we had for the victims trying to let go of the relationship was Ginny Nicarthy Crow's Getting Free which we used constantly. We held workshops, set up safe homes and a phone line and we were in business. Then after the word got out the phone started ringing. Reluctantly the sheriff's department started to arrest the abusers but in those days it was not unusual for a woman who had just been beaten to blame herself and drop the charges. My how times have changed, thank God. Today the state of Washington has some of the toughest laws in the nation supporting victims rights.
Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.Anon.
Why on earth, you might ask, would a woman drop charges only certainly to have the terror continue? in three words: fear of reprisal. These people in an abusive home are living with a domestic terrorists. They are in essence being held captive and like the "the Stockholm syndrome" from the Patti Hearst case, they will defend and love their terrorists. Obviously this is not healthy love, healthy love is never based on fear, this is traumatic bonding. Yet, for years her reality is that the abusive bully has been using fear and intimidation with frighten looks, actions or gestures. Even if you take a healthy dog and do this, you are going to get one of two things: a cowering, cringing animal or a vicious one. From the looks, actions and gestures the bullying escalates: her pretty things are destroyed [never his], he might even mistreat the children and the animals, and sometimes even brandished weapons. He is definitely threatening her in every area of her life: financial, emotional and physical. On the subject of her self esteem the result is almost worse than the physical beatings. This is the soul shattering experience of having the person you love try, on purpose, to make you feel as bad about yourself as possible. Unbelievably I have listened to many a woman cry, not for herself, but for how hard his life is and how sad his childhood was ad nauseum. Finally I'll ask, "OK, well what about you and the kids?" Silence-- then maybe some tears for the kids. Onward. A slim dawn of awareness starts to happen and then we coach her to face the grim truth.
After a bit of coaching, she may be coming out of her own denial and let's say she gets brave enough to confront the bully on his violence and the terrible repercussions it's having on the family and guess what? He denies that it's that bad. Over and over again. The culmination of the confrontation is he usually threatens to impoverish her and take the children away, her greatest fear. So, she backs down, all the way down into the morass of the cycle of abuse. Ironically for a short while he is even nicer to her, and this folks, is the honeymoon phase. After awhile something [almost always silly and petty] that she does or says pisses him off and guess what? Kapow.
The above is all too common and from the old 1979 perspective. At that time we would say that it took at least 20 incidences of abuse before a women either left or sought help. Sad but true. Today, "it has gotten better" says Jan one of the founders of DVSAS. Jan, remarkably, is still working for the organization in our town. I am putting her up for canonization.
I did continue working for victims of domestic violence for two and a half years. But I had to quit. Here's why: I was less evolved and my patience is not as great as Jan's. The last straw for me came on a day when I was overloaded with my job at the Community Alcohol Center. Then I got a call in the morning and a woman, let's call her Junella, had been beaten by her husband and needed a safe home. Worse, she had a month old infant. I spent the better part of the day, between clients, looking for a placement for Junella and the baby. Finally, by luck, I found a place in an undisclosed location [no small trick in a small town] and someone picked baby and Mama up and brought them to this wonderful home. Ahhhh. Well, I get a call after dinner from Junella and she says, "I want to know if I can call my husband to tell him that me and the baby are just fine." I all but leapt through the phone and shouted "NO! For God's Sake NO". I hung up and then I was really angry. I'm thinking, "how can she be so ungrateful and didn't she realize what she was doing?" Basically, all my training went out the window and I was furious. Fortunately I didn't take it out on her, instead I called my therapist friend Joan and said, "Joan, I was ready to smack her myself." And Joan, the wise woman, said, "Susan, I think it's time to quit." O, the guilt. Ms. Smarty pants can't take it, but I did take her advice and resigned.
One of the up sides in our tales of domestic violence is the media finally did discovered it, books and articles were published, studies were done and things have improved for the victims of abuse. There is just not as much shame when things are not secretive and hidden. Granted we have a long way to go, but the awareness is out there and their are many more of us ready to call a bully a bully.
"Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety...the second stage is remembrance and mourning...the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life."Judith Herman from Trauma and Recovery
As a psychotherapist my job is to help people who are suffering from any form of trauma to recover and reconnect with ordinary life. This can take months to years depending on the severity of abuse and trauma. That is also one of the reasons that I studied methods that produced rapid reduction from trauma, I wanted to ease the suffering ASAP and still do. These therapies include but are not limited to EMDR [eye movement desenitization and reprocessing]; TFT [thought field therapy], brief therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own special eclectic art form of therapy which have chosen to name the Grout method [a combination of anything that will work]. I specialized in brief therapy in graduate school with some asides in Jungian analysis and dream work thrown in. Then I also did years of group therapy with an emphasis on speeding recovery. Can you tell I tend to be impatient? I have tried to use this as an asset and plus, I think of this as consumer rights, more luck from your buck.
Here is roughly what I see as essential to recovery from abuse or traumatic experiences:
- We work diligently toward the ability to respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth from love in all of your dealings with yourself and others. [I wrote this for workshops I did in the late '80's.]
- Go to someone that you feel safe with and start the process of telling what did happen to you. [Therapist, group, priest, rabbi, shaman...]
- Give yourself enough time to see if that person is trustworthy and then inch forward for deeper secrets from your past that make you feel imprisoned.
- Educate yourself on the best methods of recovery including the 12 Step programs that have a remarkable history of success.
- Establish a safe living environment, establish relationships that enhance you.
- Let go of people who strike fear into your heart no matter how attracted you are to them.
- Face your grief and sorrow over what happened in the past with the knowledge that this too shall pass.
- Be willing to let go of repetitive destructive thoughts [the brain may want to return to these thoughts because it is an old habit].
- Be willing to love without fear.
- Be willing to challenge yourself.
- Remember that life is a "cha-cha" and you will take a step backwards occasionally because you are human.
- Forgive yourself, and do make amends to the ones that you have hurt.
- The truth is no one is better than you and no one is worse than you.
- Be judicious prior to being open with people.
- Learn to value your opinions.
- Never forget that the abuse/trauma happened but be willing to forgive. Even the Jews had to come to this conclusions about the Holocaust.
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Drink, Drank, Drunk
"Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play."
Joyce Rebeta-Burditt
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
Dylan Thomas
"I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but under a different name."
Jerry Dennis
My father who was my all time favorite personality used to say, "I'm leaving my liver to the Jack Daniels Institute." Ironically his liver was probably admirable, too bad the same couldn't have been said of his heart. He dropped dead after 18 holes of golf of a heart attack. Could it be that his heart was compromised by excessive drinking? Easy answer, yes.
Drink, Drank, Drunk
O, how I loathe to be
the only one with sobriety.
The dullards repeat their conversations
I groan with all their recitations,
Of mundane stories, fables, tales-
Outrageous acts when reason fails.
My spirits sag as theirs soar
And deep inside my head I roar.
How I wish that they could see
How truly repulsive it can be
To stagger, stammer, yell and yammer
Half their lives away.
No glamor,
Wrenching their lives away, away
From their hearts.
I know it's how my Dad died and
Here's how it starts.
Susan Grout 1995
My sister believes that Dad drank to cover his anxiety. Knowing about his childhood [see the blog about him as a child], I am sure that anxiety was a contributing factor in his drinking. Mind you this was not the entire reason that he drank, but it did help mask his discomfort. You would never have guessed that if you saw him in his element: the restaurant. He was a regular bon vivant, cheerful, sharp and witty. When I worked there I always tried my best to match that attitude and to be as efficient as possible. Sometimes too efficient. As a waitress I was known to carry the silverware in my pocket and ask the customers to fish out the place settings when I was in a rush and hoisting a full tray. Dad said, "she used to ask the customers to get the rolls out of her pockets." I did not. I had my standards, only silverware.
Because he owned the bar he could have been steadily drinking the entire time he was working. He did not, he was extremely disciplined and never had more than one drink with the customers until things were shutting down. Only then he would indulge and drink with the regulars, sometimes with abandon. Interestingly he never appeared drunk. He told about the time he had 11 martinis over the course of a long night. "Driving home, I hit a car that was stopped. I jumped out of my car and yelled at the guy, 'why didn't you signal?" and the guy said, "signal? I'm waiting for the train." Dad had hit the last car in a long line of cars at a train crossing. He laughed and added, "I never drank martinis again." But drink he did.
For one birthday I found a card that had a tag to wear on your lapel that said: "I am not drunk, I am by nature a loud, clumsy, cheerful, person." He loved that and even saved it and wore it often. Another time he called me after celebrating his birthday [he was by his term "over served"] and said, "Sue! I stopped drinking!" I said dubiously, "Ah, great Dad." He said, "five minutes ago, they made me."
As anyone can see he was not an unpleasant drunk but someone who could go to work, run a successful business and be kind to everyone. For me, it was only after I left home for college that I started to see the sadder effects of drinking. My first shock was seeing the kids who couldn't get up for classes and eventually had to drop out altogether due to their drinking. I was no innocent and believe me Freshman year, I did my absolute best to drink alcoholically. I'm rather small yet I was able, for a very limited amount of time, to drink right along side the basketball players. In Sophomore year it all ended, I started puking. Frankly I probably should have been hospitalized and am lucky to be alive. I was never able to drink like that again. I told my Dad and he added, "you are lucky, I never get sick, probably not a good thing." Don't I know it.
So then I became the one who started viewing drunkenness and if you have a chance, as a spectator sport it can be quite amusing. That is as long as you don't give a hoot about the person who is overindulging.
"The gift from God that gladdens the hearts of men."
the Bible
The curious thing about drinking is that some people can do it and it never really adversely affects their judgement or ruins their lives. In fact statistically, most people can drink socially and be fine with it. It is the unfortunate 8 to 10% of people who are set up to become addicted through family history or prolonged abuse. Tragically many people start down the road to addiction by an uninformed doctor prescribing drugs without letting that person know of the addictive potential. Nonetheless, once the brain is habituated to drug abuse [alcohol is a depressive sedative drug] there is no turning back. One phenomena that is not clearly addressed in the literature is that many a teen drinks for all the world like they are going to be perpetually alcoholic and that is not necessarily the case. Over my many longs years in the counseling field I have found that sometimes those teen grow into adults that can drink socially. Mind you, they are always cautious as adults, but never seem to descent into the pits of chemical dependency.
It is relatively easy to stop an addiction in the first stages, but becomes increasingly more difficult as the middle stage approaches. Witness smoking. Many people try it, and though nicotine is not an easy drug to quit, if they haven't been smoking for all that long they can quit. One famous study showed that monkeys had an easier time tearing themselves away from cocaine than nicotine. So, too all of you who have stopped smoking, drinking or drugging in the middle stages of the addiction, my hat's off to you.
The absolute ugliest form of addiction is the person who turns beastly when using. Again, I had no experience with this until I entered the field of addiction as a counselor in 1978. Nothing perpared me for the violence that is occassionally coupled with drug abuse. I started to see women who had been abused and could not believe it. They would often excuse the behavior by saying, "I tauted him, I got in his face." Let me tell you, I am feisty and in my past, have been known to get into many a face and never once have I been threatened except by an obnoxious drunk [see the post on forgiveness]. This lead me to start questioning if others had seen as much evidence of domestic violence. I along with two other women did a survey in our community. The cops at the time were routinely driving drunks home and breaking up domestic squabbles with no arrests. We were appauled when they said about domestic violence, "we don't see much of that around here." Whew. I did. So we founded the Domestic Violence [and Sexual Assault, added later] Services in 1979. The connection to alcohol was there although there was also plenty of violence without it. All of this is heart breaking, not just for the woman who is beaten but for the by standers: extended family and children. Recovery from domestic abuse is a long slow process since the person has literally been beaten down. But I have witnessed amazing recoveries in my years as therapist.
There must be the generating force of love
behind every effort this is to be successful.
Henry David Thoreau
Next post I will address successful recovery from addiction and the effects of other's addictions.
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
Joyce Rebeta-Burditt
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
Dylan Thomas
"I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but under a different name."
Jerry Dennis
My father who was my all time favorite personality used to say, "I'm leaving my liver to the Jack Daniels Institute." Ironically his liver was probably admirable, too bad the same couldn't have been said of his heart. He dropped dead after 18 holes of golf of a heart attack. Could it be that his heart was compromised by excessive drinking? Easy answer, yes.
Drink, Drank, Drunk
O, how I loathe to be
the only one with sobriety.
The dullards repeat their conversations
I groan with all their recitations,
Of mundane stories, fables, tales-
Outrageous acts when reason fails.
My spirits sag as theirs soar
And deep inside my head I roar.
How I wish that they could see
How truly repulsive it can be
To stagger, stammer, yell and yammer
Half their lives away.
No glamor,
Wrenching their lives away, away
From their hearts.
I know it's how my Dad died and
Here's how it starts.
Susan Grout 1995
My sister believes that Dad drank to cover his anxiety. Knowing about his childhood [see the blog about him as a child], I am sure that anxiety was a contributing factor in his drinking. Mind you this was not the entire reason that he drank, but it did help mask his discomfort. You would never have guessed that if you saw him in his element: the restaurant. He was a regular bon vivant, cheerful, sharp and witty. When I worked there I always tried my best to match that attitude and to be as efficient as possible. Sometimes too efficient. As a waitress I was known to carry the silverware in my pocket and ask the customers to fish out the place settings when I was in a rush and hoisting a full tray. Dad said, "she used to ask the customers to get the rolls out of her pockets." I did not. I had my standards, only silverware.
Because he owned the bar he could have been steadily drinking the entire time he was working. He did not, he was extremely disciplined and never had more than one drink with the customers until things were shutting down. Only then he would indulge and drink with the regulars, sometimes with abandon. Interestingly he never appeared drunk. He told about the time he had 11 martinis over the course of a long night. "Driving home, I hit a car that was stopped. I jumped out of my car and yelled at the guy, 'why didn't you signal?" and the guy said, "signal? I'm waiting for the train." Dad had hit the last car in a long line of cars at a train crossing. He laughed and added, "I never drank martinis again." But drink he did.
For one birthday I found a card that had a tag to wear on your lapel that said: "I am not drunk, I am by nature a loud, clumsy, cheerful, person." He loved that and even saved it and wore it often. Another time he called me after celebrating his birthday [he was by his term "over served"] and said, "Sue! I stopped drinking!" I said dubiously, "Ah, great Dad." He said, "five minutes ago, they made me."
As anyone can see he was not an unpleasant drunk but someone who could go to work, run a successful business and be kind to everyone. For me, it was only after I left home for college that I started to see the sadder effects of drinking. My first shock was seeing the kids who couldn't get up for classes and eventually had to drop out altogether due to their drinking. I was no innocent and believe me Freshman year, I did my absolute best to drink alcoholically. I'm rather small yet I was able, for a very limited amount of time, to drink right along side the basketball players. In Sophomore year it all ended, I started puking. Frankly I probably should have been hospitalized and am lucky to be alive. I was never able to drink like that again. I told my Dad and he added, "you are lucky, I never get sick, probably not a good thing." Don't I know it.
So then I became the one who started viewing drunkenness and if you have a chance, as a spectator sport it can be quite amusing. That is as long as you don't give a hoot about the person who is overindulging.
"The gift from God that gladdens the hearts of men."
the Bible
The curious thing about drinking is that some people can do it and it never really adversely affects their judgement or ruins their lives. In fact statistically, most people can drink socially and be fine with it. It is the unfortunate 8 to 10% of people who are set up to become addicted through family history or prolonged abuse. Tragically many people start down the road to addiction by an uninformed doctor prescribing drugs without letting that person know of the addictive potential. Nonetheless, once the brain is habituated to drug abuse [alcohol is a depressive sedative drug] there is no turning back. One phenomena that is not clearly addressed in the literature is that many a teen drinks for all the world like they are going to be perpetually alcoholic and that is not necessarily the case. Over my many longs years in the counseling field I have found that sometimes those teen grow into adults that can drink socially. Mind you, they are always cautious as adults, but never seem to descent into the pits of chemical dependency.
It is relatively easy to stop an addiction in the first stages, but becomes increasingly more difficult as the middle stage approaches. Witness smoking. Many people try it, and though nicotine is not an easy drug to quit, if they haven't been smoking for all that long they can quit. One famous study showed that monkeys had an easier time tearing themselves away from cocaine than nicotine. So, too all of you who have stopped smoking, drinking or drugging in the middle stages of the addiction, my hat's off to you.
The absolute ugliest form of addiction is the person who turns beastly when using. Again, I had no experience with this until I entered the field of addiction as a counselor in 1978. Nothing perpared me for the violence that is occassionally coupled with drug abuse. I started to see women who had been abused and could not believe it. They would often excuse the behavior by saying, "I tauted him, I got in his face." Let me tell you, I am feisty and in my past, have been known to get into many a face and never once have I been threatened except by an obnoxious drunk [see the post on forgiveness]. This lead me to start questioning if others had seen as much evidence of domestic violence. I along with two other women did a survey in our community. The cops at the time were routinely driving drunks home and breaking up domestic squabbles with no arrests. We were appauled when they said about domestic violence, "we don't see much of that around here." Whew. I did. So we founded the Domestic Violence [and Sexual Assault, added later] Services in 1979. The connection to alcohol was there although there was also plenty of violence without it. All of this is heart breaking, not just for the woman who is beaten but for the by standers: extended family and children. Recovery from domestic abuse is a long slow process since the person has literally been beaten down. But I have witnessed amazing recoveries in my years as therapist.
There must be the generating force of love
behind every effort this is to be successful.
Henry David Thoreau
Next post I will address successful recovery from addiction and the effects of other's addictions.
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Small Town Therapist on Tips from Clients
Mean what you say,
say what you mean,
but don't say it mean.
Anon. kindergartner
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
T.S. Elliot
I have stolen. Some of my best lines I have swiped from other people. There, the sad truth is out. I feel imminently better for it but I intend to do the same thing again and again. I have been in the counseling business for over thirty years and have to admit that some of the greatest insights have not come from my brain or from the founding fathers and mothers of Psychotherapy but from my clients. Here is a few jewels that I remember and frequently use to help others and, oh yes, myself. I always ask permission and also give credit where credit is due.
The above quotation "Say what you mean..." was brought to me by a client who was in the office about her marriage. They are delightful people but very different in their outlook on life. She is introverted and he is an extrovert. She could stay home all of the time and he wants to be on the go. Getting this couple to compromise wasn't that difficult because they have a passel of kids and so their motivation was very high. One of the kids brought this wise sentence home with him from kindergarten and it struck both of them as a good way to behave toward each other. Nice.
Years ago I saw a darling woman who had gone the equivalent of Niagara falls in a barrel while making pb and j sandwiches for her brood. One of the verbal balms she came up with was a mantra to soothe herself : "be open to goodness". She had a bad habit after the Niagara experience of being a sieve for every philosophy, religion or guru who came down the pike. She realized that she couldn't be open to everything and by giving herself the mantra of goodness she gained an internal barometer. If it felt too frosty, turn away, if it felt calm and easy, it was probably something for her to listen to. Goodness. To this day she remains a cheerful, sweet and an interesting friend to all who love her. She avoids extremists like the plague.
Several years ago I was working with a young woman who had been unceremoniously dumped by her boyfriend of five years. She was devastated but she was a natural optimist and soldiered on. One day she came into counseling and she was ebullient. "What's brought about this change?" I said. "My old lover asked me out and I knew that his new sweetie was out of town and for a little awhile I was conflicted," she said. "How did you resolve this dilemma?" "Well, I imagined he had offered me a coat and I tried to put it on," she said. "And?" "And it just didn't fit or feel right, too tight, so I said no," she said with a smile. This was a wise choice for her even though in her grief she believed she wanted nothing more than to have him back. But it didn't fit. So, I use this coat trick with numerous clients in worthy dilemmas. Try the coat trick in your mind when you are in a muddle, see if it fits. It works well.
A very gracious and graceful widow came to me for counseling, not about her deceased spouse but about the row that her children were having concerning certain possessions that he left them. She was a quick study and soon I was asking her about her seemingly serene recovery from the huge loss of her husband. "Of course I miss him, but each night I set the table and set a place for him, I honor him at my table." It felt like an art form, picturing her lighting the candles and honoring him in such a loving manner. Gone but not forgotten.
Another time a mother of an out of control teen came to me in despair. Her ex husband took the boy was about to have him either arrested or thrown into drug and alcohol treatment. I puzzled about the best approach, me thinking, "he probably does need treatment if he is this out of control." She was wiser and at the next meeting she had put together a "baby book" of all the highlights of their life together as Mother and son. It was incredibly moving and when, after our session, she gave the album to her son he broke down and pleaded with her to take him back promising to steer clear of the nasty crowd and the drugs and alcohol. Did it work? He graduated with honors and went to college after that. Sometimes the emotional and artistic approach is the best.
This last technique was given to me by my partner in therapy crime and one of my mentors, Laurie. I was wailing about confronting my Dad's drinking yet I tended to portray him as near canonization. Laurie said, "why are you hesitating to talk with him?" I said, "I am afraid it might wreck our relationship and hurt his feelings." She smiled and said, "Susan, let go of other people's feelings, he's a grown up and he needs to hear what you have to say." Buffo. Never heard those words before. I was always the one who tip toed around, not willing to disturb the waters in a relationship, a typical peace maker. It never occurred to me to 'tell the truth and run' and allow someone to come back with a conversation that might heal. At the time, I also knew that gentleness is more effective than rage in tense conversations and if you have been reading my blog you will know that the conversation turned out very well. Mind you it was not effective, but it opened a door so I could let go of worrying about my Dad and he joked, about it in the most affectionate manner, about that conversation until the day he died.
A great line that I stole from Scott Peck is "loving is doing". The failure to confront a loved one [respectfully] is turning away from love. In all of the above cases someone had to take an action, even if it was just a reflective moment. It changed the outcome that was beneficial to them and sometimes to both parties.
As a joke when I was doing workshops back in the late 80's I used to say most solemnly, "spring forth with love". Now that I am thinking about it, I didn't steal it but it seems less funny than true. Get out there and love, if it comes back to you, fine, but be the love machine. And if you need, to steal these methods. Do give credit where credit is due.
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
say what you mean,
but don't say it mean.
Anon. kindergartner
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
T.S. Elliot
I have stolen. Some of my best lines I have swiped from other people. There, the sad truth is out. I feel imminently better for it but I intend to do the same thing again and again. I have been in the counseling business for over thirty years and have to admit that some of the greatest insights have not come from my brain or from the founding fathers and mothers of Psychotherapy but from my clients. Here is a few jewels that I remember and frequently use to help others and, oh yes, myself. I always ask permission and also give credit where credit is due.
The above quotation "Say what you mean..." was brought to me by a client who was in the office about her marriage. They are delightful people but very different in their outlook on life. She is introverted and he is an extrovert. She could stay home all of the time and he wants to be on the go. Getting this couple to compromise wasn't that difficult because they have a passel of kids and so their motivation was very high. One of the kids brought this wise sentence home with him from kindergarten and it struck both of them as a good way to behave toward each other. Nice.
Years ago I saw a darling woman who had gone the equivalent of Niagara falls in a barrel while making pb and j sandwiches for her brood. One of the verbal balms she came up with was a mantra to soothe herself : "be open to goodness". She had a bad habit after the Niagara experience of being a sieve for every philosophy, religion or guru who came down the pike. She realized that she couldn't be open to everything and by giving herself the mantra of goodness she gained an internal barometer. If it felt too frosty, turn away, if it felt calm and easy, it was probably something for her to listen to. Goodness. To this day she remains a cheerful, sweet and an interesting friend to all who love her. She avoids extremists like the plague.
Several years ago I was working with a young woman who had been unceremoniously dumped by her boyfriend of five years. She was devastated but she was a natural optimist and soldiered on. One day she came into counseling and she was ebullient. "What's brought about this change?" I said. "My old lover asked me out and I knew that his new sweetie was out of town and for a little awhile I was conflicted," she said. "How did you resolve this dilemma?" "Well, I imagined he had offered me a coat and I tried to put it on," she said. "And?" "And it just didn't fit or feel right, too tight, so I said no," she said with a smile. This was a wise choice for her even though in her grief she believed she wanted nothing more than to have him back. But it didn't fit. So, I use this coat trick with numerous clients in worthy dilemmas. Try the coat trick in your mind when you are in a muddle, see if it fits. It works well.
A very gracious and graceful widow came to me for counseling, not about her deceased spouse but about the row that her children were having concerning certain possessions that he left them. She was a quick study and soon I was asking her about her seemingly serene recovery from the huge loss of her husband. "Of course I miss him, but each night I set the table and set a place for him, I honor him at my table." It felt like an art form, picturing her lighting the candles and honoring him in such a loving manner. Gone but not forgotten.
Another time a mother of an out of control teen came to me in despair. Her ex husband took the boy was about to have him either arrested or thrown into drug and alcohol treatment. I puzzled about the best approach, me thinking, "he probably does need treatment if he is this out of control." She was wiser and at the next meeting she had put together a "baby book" of all the highlights of their life together as Mother and son. It was incredibly moving and when, after our session, she gave the album to her son he broke down and pleaded with her to take him back promising to steer clear of the nasty crowd and the drugs and alcohol. Did it work? He graduated with honors and went to college after that. Sometimes the emotional and artistic approach is the best.
This last technique was given to me by my partner in therapy crime and one of my mentors, Laurie. I was wailing about confronting my Dad's drinking yet I tended to portray him as near canonization. Laurie said, "why are you hesitating to talk with him?" I said, "I am afraid it might wreck our relationship and hurt his feelings." She smiled and said, "Susan, let go of other people's feelings, he's a grown up and he needs to hear what you have to say." Buffo. Never heard those words before. I was always the one who tip toed around, not willing to disturb the waters in a relationship, a typical peace maker. It never occurred to me to 'tell the truth and run' and allow someone to come back with a conversation that might heal. At the time, I also knew that gentleness is more effective than rage in tense conversations and if you have been reading my blog you will know that the conversation turned out very well. Mind you it was not effective, but it opened a door so I could let go of worrying about my Dad and he joked, about it in the most affectionate manner, about that conversation until the day he died.
A great line that I stole from Scott Peck is "loving is doing". The failure to confront a loved one [respectfully] is turning away from love. In all of the above cases someone had to take an action, even if it was just a reflective moment. It changed the outcome that was beneficial to them and sometimes to both parties.
As a joke when I was doing workshops back in the late 80's I used to say most solemnly, "spring forth with love". Now that I am thinking about it, I didn't steal it but it seems less funny than true. Get out there and love, if it comes back to you, fine, but be the love machine. And if you need, to steal these methods. Do give credit where credit is due.
magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
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