When a Young Adult Stalls

 

I want it all and I want it delivered!                                           T-shirt

I always wanted to be somebody; but I should have been more specific.                                                                        Lily Tomlin

Probably in every age through the centuries there are young adults who've stalled in their maturation. This stalling has been on my mind since I attended a workshop several summers ago. In the song writing class we were instructed to write a song on a topic the teacher assigned us. He came up with these topics by speaking to each of us then choosing something from that conversation he thought might be challenging. The topics were both interesting and thought provoking. 

The topic that really intrigued me and provoked the most discussion in our class was given to Brenda* on "loving herself". She admitted "I'm angry all the time at the world and my circumstances". One of Brenda's 'circumstances' was she couldn't bare to escort her grown sons [Homer*age 24 and Bart* age 25] out of the house. They had no jobs, they payed no rent.  Unbelievably Brenda kept saying "we have messed up this world, how can I send them out there?" as her justification for her inaction. Yet she was so angry about them living at home being lumps on the couch, hence Brenda's dilemma and 'circumstances'. 

Is the world messed up? Yep, we've foisted climate change on ours and future generations to deal with and hopefully clean up. Is the world, the people and all creatures in it beautiful. Indeed it is. Brenda from my humble perspective, was caught in a typical "either/or" dilemma, never considering that the answers might lie in "both/and".

The people in the class were stunned by her lack of insight into her problem. Brenda was afraid for her grown sons and couldn't "let them go into that messed up world". As I mentioned in a previous posts: fear is not love.  This really was about Brenda's personal anxieties. We, the class members encouraged, we cajoled, we rooted for her to let them go. She practically had her fingers stuck in her ears. It would have been fascinating if it wasn't so sad. Sad for Brenda, sabotaging her own happiness but I believe less sad for her sons. They got to be infantilized and lazy. Most critically and importantly though they were not maturing.

It happened that two of my sisters were in this class and if by spontaneous combustion we burst into the song, "Your Children Are Not Your Children" [from a poem by Kahlil Gibran]

 "Your children are not your children,

they are the sons and the daughters of life longing for itself

they come through you but they are not of you 

and though they are with you they belong not to you..." 

To no avail! [Although he was a bit stunned and initially speechless, our teacher rather liked our rendition and rich harmonies.]

If I had been able to say something to Brenda, I'd have coached her to say to them:

 
"the world is not easy it's true... and here are the want ads... and I want you to move out...and you have a month to find a job and a place to live." Seems too harsh? It's a case of both/and. Read on.

To be honest, to be kind, to earn a little and to spend a little less, to make upon the whole family happier for your presence, to keep friends with yourself, here is a task for all...                                                                                                   Robert Louis Stevenson

I've seen kids ride bicycles, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours...yet have to be driven to the garbage can.                                     Erma Bombeck

I must admit I'm stunned when I read or hear stories about teens or young adults who never take a job, or help out their elderly neighbors, or chip in with the housework or share the cooking with their families. Not expecting anything from the young and energetic is a disservice to them and the communities they live in. Even if in your town or city a job is hard to come by, surely the youths can help out the family by cooking, cleaning, babysitting or running errands. 

Here's an example of altruism in some young people despite hardship. When traveling with my sister in 2011 to Italy we went to Tivoli for an evening. The city was suffering from the recession and much of the city was in disarray. The city had no money to clean up the streets and jobs were scarce. The young adults and the teens got disgusted with all the litter and organized a campaign to clean up the parks. Cleaner parks brought in more tourists and had a good effect eventually on their local economy. Altruism reigns supreme. 

There are rich rewards if you are diligent and persist for maturity.

 

Do your young adults a favor, treat them respectfully like the adults that you wish them to be. Just like I've suggested with the younger children be kind, encouraging and inspirational to them. Make sure you're being loving, mature, responsible, a good citizen and energetic. Like breeds like.

*these are obviously not their real names

Helping Children Thrive

The proper age to indulge and overcompensate is for infants

The best time to start training a puppy or kitten is when they are past infancy, usually 10 to 12 weeks of age. The best time to start training a little child is when they are past infancy, and can grasp the rudimentary concepts that can aid them in their growing up. I see parents who use kindness, sharp attention to what the kids are doing right and then giving them verbal praise. Interestingly, this is exactly like the techniques used by the most successful animal trainers.  

The hard thing about parenting is that sometimes in their frustration or embarrassment a parent will give into a toddler's temper tantrum. Ah, there's the rub and the set up for future problems. 

Here's a story from one of my former clients who's toddler was very frustrating. Lana* said, "I took my two year old Tammy* to the grocery store and she demanded in a very LOUD voice that she wants candy now! As a good parent I tried to bribe and distract her with an apple. Tammy's having none of it and screamed louder for the candy. Because I was in a hurry and to avoid impending deafness stop the angry stares from passersby--- I gave her the candy. Next time we went to the store she asks for candy but I got firm and said no and she just whimpered. The time after that she started the shrieking thing and I gave her the candy so she'd just shut up." "Ah Lana", I said, "you have just created a tiny Tammy monster, but there is hope to reverse that curse."

Numerous studies show that it is most difficult to break a dog or a child of  bad habits especially when they've been first rewarded and then the next time punished for the same behavior --it's called 'intermittent reinforcement'. Feeding a dog from the table comes to mind. Once rewarded with a tasty tidbit and then scolded for begging makes the pet crazy and so they beg, beg, beg. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Same goes for Tammy at the grocery store. Can she change? Yes. But after more than dozens of  "NO go lie down", to the dog, or "that's it, time out" to Tammy. I realize it's hard to ignore their sad mournful eyes or that awful censure from the disapproving adults subjected to the screaming...but, it takes repetitive work to break them of that bad habit. "You must be consistent and kind but stay firm." I said. 

What I like to tell parents who are struggling with a defiant toddler, [which by the way is completely age appropriate]is to start by only rewarding the child's good behavior. Anything toward temper tantrum status requires a very short time out, with no hysterics on the parent's part! Then when they are ready, encourage the child to do what they can do for him/herself: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; do their own homework; make their own lunches. They might not initially like it but believe me, they will be so proud to do things for themselves. Isn't that what tantrums are all about? Wanting to do things your own way? If you will start them young this flows nicely into the teenage years where the heavier chores should be required and more complaining can be expected.

In the past I've see parents who loose their way, and actually discourage independence by vastly overcompensating for their children. My husband and I got our first whiff of this when our boys were in Cub Scouts. The 'Pine Wood Derby' was the task and the adventure. The little boys were given a block of wood, some wheels and told to make a race car and in a week there would be a contest to see whose car was fastest. Mr. G and I were very much into letting our boys experiment with some occasional guidance to avoid any dangerous mishaps. So my husband supervised the whittling and helped by drilling the holes for the wheels but the configuration, construction and coloration was up to them. They were so proud of their creations and we were too. Then came the night of the Derby. I suppose it wouldn't shock you to learn that most of the boy's fathers made the race cars. It was so obvious, but it did shock and disappoint us. Besides missing  teaching time with their boys what exactly did those fathers teach their sons? "Here let me do that." Implication: obviously you're not capable... Not only was this disappointing but they sadly missed the entire point of the task: to learn skills and take pride in their accomplishment. To these fathers it was all about winning the Pine Wood Derby. Losers.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.  Doug Larson 

There are no perfect parents, as Anna Quilen says when apologizing to her grown children, "mistakes have been made." However, here is a simple list that I find helpful to give to parents about raising kids that thrive:

1. From a very young age encourage the child to do what they can do for themselves: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; clear the table; do their own homework, make their own lunches etc.
2. Be encouraging when they attempt to do what is difficult [with assistance]-- riding a bike, supervise but don't hover; school home work read, make suggestions; with essays or book reviews or make editorial comments but don't change the major ideas; for lunches provide the ingredients and then the thanks.
   
3. Let go of other people's feelings: if someone thinks it's shocking to allow your little girl to wear a tutu to class or your little one to sport a cape, let them think what they will. You'll love the pictures later. Allow the child to choose the sport he/she likes best.
4. Talk to your children with respect and love, it will pay off triple fold when they're adults and the teachers will appreciate the good manners. Obviously no name calling or shaming.
5. If a child is disrespectful, immediately put them in time out and let them know this is never acceptable. 
6. Catch them doing something right and praise x3. Besides being respectful and having a good attitude--- having good manners has to be taught and modeled.
7. Only reward good behavior and attitudes, don't go into drama or lecturing mode when they screw up, do a time out with a simple explanation as to why.
8. Let the time outs be age appropriate. Three minutes for a three year old feels really long so don't do ten minutes; fifteen minutes for a ten year old gives them a chance to think [again with no machines...].
9. Listen to the kids about their life, their interests, their dreams and "let them [within reason] have any book they want". I got that one from Sherman Alexie.

10. Eat together whenever possible. When asked by one of my son's friends what was the best thing about our house Pete replied, "the dinners". We loved it too, still do.
11. Keep an orderly and tidy house, for one thing you will be able to find things for another you are trying to launch good citizens and respect, good manners, order and kindness helps children in the adult world.
12. Keep your relationship strong, tell the truth and run, kiss, kiss, kiss and hug, hug, hug.

Children want their parents to love them, to take care of them and to have fun with them. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? 

P.S.  This is part one of a series. Part two deals with the teens and then part three is on launching the young adults. I love doing this blog and hope it gives anyone interested a bit of guidance and some support for parents to have a better life with their thriving kids. Thanks for reading. 

*of course these are not their real namessusansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved