Homeward Bound

Where my love life's waiting silently for me.  

         Paul Simon

After thirty five years I'm moving my office home. Home. I love the sound of it and am looking forward to having my office just steps away from my home.

In 1992,  months prior to Mr. G's departure to work for the state, we got word that Josh's host family was going to visit from Denmark. At the time we had a shell of a building behind our house, the bottom of which was a serviceable shop, the second floor completely unfinished. I sincerely mean seriously unfinished: bare studs; no insulation unfinished. The saving grace was that we were relatively young and could work like crazy for long hours. And we did. I vividly remember hours before the Danes arrived sticking annuals around the shop in a desperate attempt at making the guest house look finished and homey. Happily the Danish family was the soul of graciousness and actually praised us for providing them with this simple space to sleep.

Fast forward twenty years, the guest house has been used by family members and a host of guests from around the country. Several years ago we even had my niece and her family enscounced there for six weeks while they were finding a place to rent. In other words, it's served its purpose. Now its new purpose will be to not only accomodate my family but additionally, my small office.

The best thing about having worked as hard as I have for thirty five years is I don't feel a pressing need to beat the bushes for business. [Sounds like a song doesn't it?] If people choose to follow me out here, three miles from our town, lovely, if not, there is a garden and a house that always needs attention, meals to prepare and things to be written.

Writing this blog is such a pleasure, I'm continually hoping that it is useful and at the very least amusing. Remember, that's my dictum to be aware and amused each day.

Due to lack of funds and having this bifricated life with Mr. G in Bellingham and me here, we never expanded our small house. Turns out this was a blessing, there is little up keep and it's so easy to clean. We do most of our entertaining in the summer and we throw open the doors to the deck and feel as though we have another room. The sons bring their families and tents and everyone gathers outside on the 'lawn' [quack grass] and we play games and eat huge BBQed meals. Perfect as far as I'm concerned.

Ah, there's nothing like staying at home for real comfort.                              Jane Austen

Delightful grands enjoying a summer Groutfest

 So, I'm bidding adieu to my town office and saying hello to my home office. I've got to get crackin' I move out in exactly one month, April Fool's day. Fitting.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

When You Think You Stink

I have a new philosophy, I am only going to dread one day at a time.            Charles Schultz

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.                                                   Ted Turner                             

He can't help being trapped in a cage.

These holes were made in the depths of the ocean.

It isn't an accident that people acquire negative self images, but it is not always simple to describe. Much more interesting to me is when people realize that they are lugging around a 500 lb. weight of negativity and then they don't try any measures, no matter how drastic, to shed the bulk of that weight. Instead, they become victims, victims of their unmastered past, victims caught in a spiral of blame and unforgiveness, victims of the vast amount of energy they put into justifying their misery. It's as though, in their negativity, they are trapped in a cage. It is as though the timbers constructing their life have gaping holes and they believe they are unable to fill and fortify. Whew, that's even hard to write about that.

In one of the earlier posts ["Whatever You Do Don't Drop the Watermelon" 6/16/2011] I talk about "watch your self-talk", meaning: observe what you are saying to yourself on a daily [hourly?] basis. If you have been raised by loving supportive parents, school mates who only praised you, friends who constantly boosted your self esteem, lovers who adored you at all times, chances are you'd have a very positive internal dialogue. Then there's the rest of us. At best-- school chums tauntings, at worst-- all kinds of abuse at home. The worst tends to implant some really nasty verbiage floating inside the old cranium.

In another post I wrote about the latest brain research ["Some day I'll Be Positive", 5/18/2011] and the findings that anyone who obsesses and ruminates literally leaves a groove in their brain. Unfortunately this groove lights up whenever the repetitive, obsessive thoughts come in. Nice big rut to fall in and it happens over and over again. The trick is to be aware of this trap and attempt to not to fall repeatedly into the same old thinking.

A woman asks a New Yorker, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" He answers, "Practice, practice, practice!" So, goes the old joke and the same applies to overcoming obsessive, negative thinking. Lots of effort.

Gloom we always have with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.       Barbara Holland

Here is a partial list for overcoming negative thinking.

1. In order to master your past, seek the best help you can find and afford.
2. Develop a sense of personal boundaries.
3. Take risks: if you are withdrawn seek companions, if you are only a social butterfly, develop your solitude skills.
4. Make sure your motivation for what you do in life is out of love, not fear.
5. Stop blaming [yourself and others] and squarely assess situations that are emotionally loaded and find a solution.
6. Rule for perfectionists: the perfect is the enemy of the good, embrace the good.
7. Saving others is merely a ruse for not focusing on yourself and for feeling superior.
8. I've said so before, no one is better than you, no one is worse than you.
9. Tell the truth and run or duck depending on the circumstances.
10. Be willing to trust, be willing to forgive.
11. Be a human being not a human doing.
12. Ask for what you really want.
13. Be compassionate to others and also to yourself.
14. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug---just for the joy of giving and receiving.

Sounds simple? Well, the execution is difficult but I contend it's far easier than living with 500 pounds of ugly thoughts and feelings. Break free from your cage! Shore up you timbers! Start today. Go get 'um.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Kill the Wabbit, Opera- It's All in How You Look at It

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.                                                      Mark Twain

I go to the opera whether I need the sleep or not.                                    Henny Youngman

It's hard to know what something of beauty is if you don't study it.

Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit.  Elmer Fudd

Perhaps the easiest form of music to make fun of is opera. The breast plates on ladies of a certain size, the pagent and the drama that stretches credulity, the length of the productions, the cost of attending. I could go on and on. And yet, opera has thrived for over 400 years and it can undeniably be glorious. However, if it weren't for Bugs Bunny I, as well as many of my generation, would never have heard opera. Thank god for Bugs Bunny, "The Rabbit of Seville" was glorious even though just a cartoon.

Some of my family singing church music for Mom's memorial

By contrast, today's cartoons are nothing short of oblivion for culture: crash, boom, bash and smash every ten seconds. It makes me crazy that this is being served up to our children. What is it teaching them? Interestingly, Bugs and Elmer still have the power to enchant as I witnessed when someone bought my grandkids these old stand bys to watch. How we all laughed.

 Opera is not easily understood and many of the stories make no logical sense whatsoever, but does that stop me for loving it? No. I'm a fan of opera, though quite selective about what appeals to me just as I am with all other forms of music. I wasn't always enamoured of opera, but at age 40 something in me got triggered. It could have been the rich complex tones, the airas, the celestial voices in many part harmony, the goose bumps while listening to the music so beautifully complex.  Recently a friend of mine asked me if I would be willing to do a study course on opera and I jumped at the chance. Studying anything by myself often falls into the "I'll do that later" category. It does help to have a pal to push from behind. Someone nodding in agreement or making astute comments about what we're viewing or seeing, helps with the flow of interest and enriches learning.

Sadly, opera today [and the symphony] is mostly for the well heeled, the prices more costly that taking four people to dinner. This wasn't true in the past. When opera was forming as entertainment 400 years ago, it was for all the people, not just the well heeled. It was political, raucous, hilarious, fun, and inspiring. People would sing along with the performers. Because it's roots are based in Italy most operas were in, guess what, Italian. Interestingly the Italians in the 17th century were enamoured of the Greeks and Greek mythology, so many of those early operas are about that. This is so not true in todays operas. The subject matter is as diverse as a soldier knocking up a teenager in Japan and leaving her and taking the child [Madam Butterfly]; to the fable of Cinderella [Centerolla]; to the Rings cycle; to bohemians living in poverty in Paris [La Boheme]. Any subject is game. I'm thinking of staging one about women of a certain age in Italy...

When I was in Italy last summer, I fully expected the Italians to burst into song, mainly opera, on the street corners on those lush warm summer nights. The only one bursting into an aria on a warm summer night was me, embarrassingly after enjoying a rich meal with wine on the Plaza in Sorrento. We were joined by some very cute teenaged boys who were following us, women of a certain age, merely because we were Americans. How could they tell? They were impressed that I even knew opera and further more in Italian. I had studied with a choral group in my forties and it paid off that night. Another two minutes of fame for me in a minute audience, oh well. Better to have sung and lost than never to have sung at all.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Creating a Positive Self Image

One of my Mother's paintings depicting tranquility

No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.                                     Helen Keller

Respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth with love in all of your dealings with yourself.      Susan R. Grout  1987

I've spent over thirty years encouraging people to develop a positive self image. Actually, if you count the years with our sons, forty two years of encouragement. The sons were easy and have good self images.

Nothing gets in the way of recovery from just about anything as a  negative or worthless self image. Self loathing and fear wreck havoc on someone who is attempting any kind of change in their life. A great example of that is people who are dieting. If self loathing is constantly in the way and their internal patter is belittling, this can, and frequently does, lead to sabotage and despair. It's hard to stay motivated to change any habit when bumping up against defeatism.

One of my siblings [who shall remain nameless] was in despair about dieting and lamenting how she felt to a friend. "I'd really like to go swimming but I'm too embarassed to be out in public in a swim suit," she said. Her friend said, "why is that?" and my sib answered, "I'm heavier than I want to be and everybody will be looking at me." And the astute friend said, "yeah, once."

Seems to me that's basically a good philosophy: get over yourself and go enjoy the water; dive in and let go of how others perceive about you. Focus on what you love, not on what is a "flaw" about yourself. This is also a very important trick to teach people who are inherently shy: put your focus on someone else and make them comfortable. Risk it, challenge yourself.

I is kind, I is smart, I is important.                                                            from Katherine Stockett's The Help

I worked with a man many years ago who was afraid of women, good thing he came to a woman therapist, right? As a matter of fact it was the best thing he could have done. First of all his approach to women was appauling. He figured that humor was important, "good so far" I said, "but it falls flat every time", he said. "Hmm, give me an example." "Well, I make fun of one of their body parts, like calling them 'thunder thighs' or ask them about their 'honker of a nose'." It was all I could do not to laugh. Clearly he hadn't been raised with women, he was flunking male/female conversation. Then I asked him, "tell me to whom you're addressing these 'witty' remarks".  He mentioned several names and it turns out he'd zeroed in on the most glamorous women in our small town [and he was no prize in the looks department]. With this winning strategy he was bound to fail. I gently suggested he look for women more like himself, bookish, introverted and pleasant looking but not Christie Brinkley types. We went through many role plays, good natured teasing and banter before he was ready to attempt his new way of being [more authentic] with some really nice women.  I said, "If you are kind and fun to be around the worst case scenerio is you'll get a pal out of the deal."

Learning to have healthy, fun loving, encouraging internal dialogue is key to a positive self image. Now, mind you, wildly overblown verbiage is not going to improve your life or image [like: "Christie Brinkley is my physical twin!" While I find this amusing, it is preposterous and only good for a chuckle]. More helpful is the true, loving affirmations [see above, alter the grammar] that can make big differences in our lives.

The following are a few guidelines that I have used with hundreds and are helpful.

1. Be motivated by self love and love of others.
2. Use any guilty feelings as a springboard for action, make a list of what you can do to assuage those guilty feelings.
3. Realize that life is a "cha-cha" sometimes taking a step back enhances the dance of life.
4. Not everyone will like you, let go of their feelings and remember this is none of our business.
5. Others moods, feelings are not our responsiblity and unless asked, better to just listen and honor them and then let go.
6. We are peers with all humans. No one is better than me and no one is worse than me, for proof imagine a nursery with newborns, who's better? worse?
7. Black and white thinking contributes to prejudices and ignorance, be more colorful and open minded.
8. Use all of your life experiences for your benefit, constantly growing and changing with each new illumination.
9. Learn to be judicious in trusting and thinking. Study, research and examine what others tell you.
10. It is acceptable to be different, embrace who you are.
11. You can just BE, hold still and realize that you are loveable just because you are.
12. Intimacy is wonderful and rewarding, you can ask for what you need and want.
13. Accept and allow the full spectrum of life: grief and sorrow, love, laughter and joy.
14. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.

Creating a postive self image requires effort, action, repetition, vigilance and "acting as if". Bring it on in your life. Love, always...

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Overcoming Overcompensation

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather, indicates, his fate.                    
Henry David Thoreau                                                         

There is this interesting phenomena that I see in some of todays parents. Because they don't want to feel the pain or embarrassment of their children being less than stars they go completely overboard pushing, and overdoing it for the child. This is not about the child, this is about the parent. For example, I see parents who vastly overcompensate for their children. My husband and I got the first inkling of this when our boys were in Cub Scouts. The 'Pine Wood Derby' was the task and the adventure. The little boys were given a block of wood, some wheels and told to make a race car and in a week there would be a contest to see whose car was fastest. Mr. G and I were very much into letting our boys experiment with some occasional guidance to avoid any dangerous mishaps. So my husband supervised the whittling and helped by drilling the holes for the wheels but the configuration, construction and coloration was up to them. They were so proud of their creations and we were too. Then came the night of the Derby. I suppose it wouldn't shock you to learn that most of the boy's fathers actually made the race cars. It was so obvious, but it did shock and disappoint us. Besides spending time with their boys, a plus, what exactly did those fathers teach their sons?

I see this same scenario repeated endlessly. Parents write their kid's college essays, they call the schools for special exemptions and privileges, they give their kids expensive cars to drive to high school, they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I could go on and on. I ask you, what is this teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself" and that folks, is infantalization. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their child chooses to achieve.

Let's do the opposite, the parents who are "too busy", too unconcerned, or too addicted [to something] and basically neglect their kids. What's that about? The justification is that they have to make a living, haven't got time for their kid, or deserve whatever substance or behavior they can't leave alone. While I am sympathetic to the parents who work crazy hours, I am baffled as to why they'd choose to have more than one or possibly two kids if they can't afford them or worse aren't particularly interested in them. Condoms are very cheap. I realize that now I sound like a right wing nut case but really, thank God for Planned Parenthood. Sure, accidents happen and that's why choice and the morning after pill is available. [Even though, as I write this, many are trying, a la Monty Python's 'Every Sperm is Sacred' anthem, to make a seed into a person and limit choice. Sad but laughable.] I have never understood why the people who are yelling vociferously about a women's choices will then turn their back to help out that woman if she choose to have a child. Truthfully, this is all about controlling women, stepping in between her, her doctor and her choices.

Some of the other obstacles that lead to neglect [and in extremis abuse] are addictions, violence, ignorance, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, fear of the child, disinterest, immaturity, and disorganization. In some homes there are horrific things going on and it is the parents fault that the children are failing in all ways. After this depressing list, which is true, I'd like to give a break to most of the parents who are doing their best to make a good life for their children but for various reasons are failing in the task.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.  Doug Larson

One reason that stands out is this: years ago someone suggested that our society is misogynistic [not as bad as the fundamentalist religions though]. Just notice all the faces around a mom who's dealing with an out of control toddler in a grocery store. Sympathy, empathy? Probably the opposite. Here is the Mom struggling with a purse, a list, a cart and a wiggly, screaming two year old. Does anyone offer help? No, instead I see snears and heads shaking.

 The hell of it is sometimes parents in their frustration or embarrassment will give into the toddler's temper tantrum. Ah, there's the rub. A client reported, "I took Tammy who's two to the grocery store and she demands in a very LOUD voice that she wants candy, as a good parent I tried to bribe and distract her with an apple. She's having none of it and screamed louder for the candy. To avoid impending deafness and the angry stares from passersby I gave her the candy. Next time at the grocery store she asks, I got firm and said no and she just whimpered. The time after that she started the shrieking thing and I gave her the candy so she would just shut up." "Ah, dear one", I said, "you have just created a monster".

We know from our work with humans and animals that the most difficult thing to break a dog or a child of his bad habits is to reward sometimes and punish sometimes. Feeding a dog from the table comes to mind, once rewarded with a tasty tidbit and then scolded for begging makes them crazy and so they beg, beg, beg. Same goes for the kid at the grocery store. Can they change? Yes. But after more than dozens of  "NO go lie down" or "that's it, time out" and ignoring their sad mournful eyes, you have a chance to break them of that bad habit. You must be consistent and stay firm. [Then grandparents come along and wreck the whole program, frustrating to say the least.]

Here is a simple list that I find helpful to tell parents about their kids:

1. From a very young age encourage the child to do what he can do for him/herself: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; do their own homework, make their lunch.
2. Be encouraging when they attempt to do what is difficult [with assistance]--  riding a bike, supervise but don't hover; college essays, read, make suggestions or editorial comments but don't change the major ideas, for lunches provide the ingrediences and the thanks.
3. Let go of other people's feelings: if someone thinks it's shocking to allow your little girl to wear a tutu to class or your little one to sport a cape, let them think what they will. You'll love the pictures later. Allow the child to choose the sport he/she likes best.
4. Talk to your children with respect and love, it will pay off triple fold when they're adults and the teachers will appreciate the good manners.
5. If a child is disrespectful, immediately put them in time out and let them know this is never acceptable. What is it with parents who think this is funny?
6. Catch them doing something right and praise X3. Besides being respectful and having a good attitude--- having good manners has to be taught and modeled.
7. Only reward good behavior and attitudes, don't go into drama or lecturing when they screw up, do a time out with a simple explanation as to why.
8. Let the time outs be age appropriate. Three minutes for a three year old feels really long so don't do ten minutes; fifteen minutes for a ten year old gives them a chance to think [again with no machines...].
9. Listen to the kids about their life, their interests, their dreams and "let them [within reason] have any book they want". I got that one from Sherman Alexie.


10. Eat together whenever possible. When asked by one of my son's friends what was the best thing about our house Pete replied, "the dinners". We loved it too, still do.
11. Keep an orderly and tidy house, for one thing you will be able to find things for another you are trying to launch good citizens and respect, good manners, order and kindness helps children in the adult world.
12. Keep your relationship strong, tell the truth and run, kiss, kiss, kiss and hug, hug, hug.

Children want their parents to love them, take care of them and have fun with them. Isn't that what we want for our kids? Hopefully this column and blog can give a bit of guidance and support to parents to have a better life with their kids. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Pity the Poor Beleagured Parent

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.          E.W. Howe

Sometimes you can feel tied up by the children
Nothing beats a timely hug and understanding lap

 There are no guarantees in parenting a child, you can try your best and sometimes that is just not enough, the child's peculiar and perplexing make up can thwart you at every turn. That being said, probably 90% of parenting can be boiled down to the golden rule, 'do unto others'. One upping that could be "do unto others as you wish, within reason, was done unto you." The within reason is what I'd like to address about parenting.

When you become a parent you have an opportunity to create a wonderful experience for yourself and your child. Lots of love, funny stories and laughter.

I remember years ago a client had a rather sad story to report about creating experiences for her sons. She was widowed at a very young age leaving her with two boys 6 and 8 years old. The parents both knew that the Dad had less than a year to live so before he died they went all out and created fabulous trips for their family so that the sons would have glowing memories of being with their Dad. The funny thing was four years after their Dad died the Mom asked the sons, "what are the special memories you have of Dad" and the answers were, "eating popcorn at the movies, sharing a pretzels in front of the aquarium, going on that hike to the beach, laughing at his jokes." Nothing that was glamorous or exotic. These are memories that you can create each day with your children. Accessible and affordable, lovely and fun. This Mom has coped very well because she has a loving family and very supportive friends, which is a key component to recovering from this huge blow to the psyche.

An important component in raising a healthy, happy child is having compassion for yourself. It is also important to try to learn everything you can about what works best for him/her and your family in regard to this child. Some people are very sensitive to noise and too much stimulation and so are individual children. Some parents require lots of interaction with the outside world and need lots of society and so do some kids. All this is great when you have similar personalities in a family that harmonize, it's easy and flows naturally. However sometimes we have a quiet parent who gives birth to a whirlwind social butterfly. One little girl that I loved had lesbian mothers who were quiet, a bit rough around the edges and feminists to boot. Wouldn't you know that their little girl was a card carrying 'princess' who was never without her tiara, friends, sparkles, tap shoes and Barbies. "She came out of the chute that way," is how one of her Mommies characterized her. You have to play with the hand you were dealt and try to have as many good times as possible. This means studying what works best for your particular child and managing to honor that.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.           George Santayana

My humble opinion is often you are going to have to put the needs of the child above your own. Infancy is the perfect example. It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone should strive to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Ha! With a newborn that is just not possible. So strive to see the situation as temporary and situational and be kind to yourself.

1. Do unto your child as you wish was done unto you.
2. Create wonderful moments out of simple pleasures: reading stories, going for hikes, attending their games and performances, taking them on trips, researching what is interesting to them.
3. Enjoy every phase of their growing up, yes, even the difficult teen years.
4. Learn to develop your ability to entertain their friends and have good meals with them.
5. Try to eat together as often as possible, most interesting discussions revolve around good food.
6. Teach them how to be a good citizen of the world, be interested in many countries, places, cuisines, languages and always, always teach openness and kindness to others [within limits].
7. Teach them to think for themselves, "no one is going to do your thinking for you," I was fond of saying, keep them skeptical of commercials and people trying to sell them something they don't need.
8. Limit time with machines so they can think and create. The great outdoors awaits!
9. Get lots of sleep yourself, limit your own screen time, you'd be amazed at how it opens up your days.
10. Have a community of other parents with kids about your kids ages and share your experience, strength and hope.
11. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.

Parents need all kinds of encouragement and support. I hope that any of you reading this blog who knows of a family that is going through a rough patch will extend yourself to the family. Do so expecting nothing. However when I do extend myself I get such joy out of these families, my payment in full, the joy. We laugh and tell stories, it is so fulfilling. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Parenting a la Grout

An example of some excellent and loving parents

Another wonderful set of parents

Today I read an article about parenting that had an emphasis on 'attachment' by the parents to the emotional and physical needs of a child. The authors went on at great length to explain that a parent avoid becoming defensive and annoyed when your child was, well, annoying. Their revelation in the article was that we as therapist need to have empathy for the poor parents of a difficult child. I could hardly contain my, well, annoyance at the authors. Why on earth didn't these two men [who are probably good therapists, considered experts in their field] think to discuss parental relationships with a good therapist who also happens to be a mother? The revelation in the article was not astounding to those of us who parent not only with our heads, but also with our hearts, our guts and our sense of humor. A full bodied approach.

Before I became a mother I was such a free spirit. I used to say, "No man will ever dominate me."  Now I have a six-year-old master.      Sally Diaz

The problem, as I see it, is parents are unwilling to be amused by their own children. I especially see this today with the "uber parents" or worse the paternalistic parents. They fear that if they secretly chuckle when their three year old announces "you are not the boss of me," they will lose the struggle for domination and so they tend to come down menacingly hard on their kid. Who wants to be in such a black and white relationship with your own child? I always had fun with the boys even when they were exasperating, [two cars in a ditch in one night, sneaking out of the house, etc] they were, at their core, a delight. I recommend to all my clients the same piece of advice, have fun with your kids.

Love and Logic vs. Logical Consequences

Many of my clients have taken a course called "Love and Logic" and for the life of me, from everything I've heard, it's merely a retread of the "Logical Consequences" technique that my husband and I used as parents. The concept is simple however it does require that you think creatively. If Johnny makes a mess, you hand him the sponge, the broom, etc. have him clean it up.  Then help him after with a gentle reminder that the house doesn't get tidy all by itself.  You never have to throw a hissy fit and you don't have to endlessly lecture. Just, "clean up the mess John and then  remember if you don't want to have to do so much work, clean as you go." Logical. This makes sense and is refreshingly better than "Johnny you made a mess and I am going to have to spank you," or worse, "stupid kid, go to your room." Either of these examples teaches nothing good, makes no logical sense and has negative consequences in the long run. Get the idea? The kid that doesn't do his homework isn't grounded per se but required to stay at his desk until the assignment is finished, and can't go anywhere, even on the week end. Logical. Of course this has to be age appropriate. At 3 years old if they are fighting with a sibling, separate them into a time out of say 5 minutes and add, "I'm not going to allow you to play with your brother until you are nicer."  If they are 12 or so then the time out is longer and apologies are expected. We raised our boys that way and I think it works. Logical, make playing with the sibling a privilege.

Dog Training
Something else that works with kids is dog training. I always say "catch them doing something right and praise, praise, praise. Ignor the annoying behavior, and if you have to, lock yourself in the bathroom." I went to a workshop once, merely to complete my 36 credits I am required for my license every two years. Turned out it was great. It was about dealing with difficult children. The highlight of the program I then made into a simple two page handout; praise at the right time and create an atmosphere for success. Worked like a charm. I'm over simplifying but here is the jist plus the suggestions that I give to all parents to create happier, healthier kids:

1. Make an effort to notice when the kids has done something well, eg. cleaning up, not chasing the dog, finishing their homework.
2. Appreciated the little things that might get a pass like: being respectful, using good manners, fun attitude.
3. Notice and praise when they could have acted miserably and didn't; like missing out on a friends party because the family has other plans, not throwing a tantrum in the grocery store...
4. Choose to focus on the good, the behavior that you want instead of what you don't want, be a good cheerleader for your kid.
5. When the rules that you have put forth are broken, unceremoniously, without the lectures and the drama, give a time out.
6. Teach your child forgiveness and model good citizenship, be a coach for the good of the whole world.
7. Be respectful of your child but don't mistake respectfulness for taking yourself or them too seriously.
8. Most importantly as you are coaching, cheeringleading and teaching-- have fun.
9. Keeping a sense of humor and a flair for the ridulous is important in getting through the trying and difficult times.
10. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.
11. Turn off the machines, read to the kids or when they are old enough read together.
12. Have adventures rather than the piles of endless stuff.
13. Enjoy the miracle of the life you have been given and in turn the miracle of the lives you are living with.
14. Singing, dancing, creating art projects all develops parts of the brain that are not emphasized in schools, so do it at home.
15. Take care of yourself impeccably, it will pay off doubly for you and for the child.
    

Our granddaughter has always had a fine sense of the absurd

Tomorrow I will focus on what goes wrong and how to kindly and lovingly correct it. I will also focus on having compassion for yourself and what it means to take care of yourself impeccably.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Mine Own True Love

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.                                                                Martin Luther

Though buffeted by the storms of life we remain solid

Can you guess what was the first present I got from my husband when we were dating?

If you guessed candy, flowers, cards, jewelry you would be wrong on all four counts.
I was thinking about this as I was moving my ridiculous number of coats from one closet to another. One certain coat never fails to make me smile.

We first started dating in our Sophomore year of college. Mr. G had a lumber jacket I often admired, the red and black Pendelton kind, stocky and hearty. His surprise for me at Christmas was a miniature version of his coat though he had very little money. I was delighted. Now, don't think in terms of those couples who try to dress alike, that was so not us. No heart buttons, no matching shirts but coats, yes. I loved that coat, so much that I still, after 46 years, have it and wear it with pleasure. It's the perfect coat for collecting fire wood, for walking in the woods, for chasing small children and now grandchildren. How did I know that this coat would seal the deal for me? How did I know that the coat, him and me would be together for 46 years?

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.                                                                 Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We dated for two years before we became engaged, I was the reluctant one. It was the era when young couples were just starting to "live together". Sounds funny now, but then it was daring. I wouldn't do that figuring it would break my parents heart. It was with a great deal of trepidation Mr. G asked for my hand, my heart, my body and my head. I said, yes. A good decision then and now.

If anyone could view into the future and see all the trials and tribulations that assaults even the best of couples, I doubt that anyone would wed. We were only 21 when we married and our hearts were clear and our goals similar. We knew that we loved each other passionately, we liked the same kinds of people, we made each other laugh, we trusted each other implicitly, we found each other interesting, and most of all we wanted an adventure. We were living in Dayton, Ohio after graduating from college and it was a perfect place to be from. Mr. G applied to many Universities for graduate school and got into them all. The most exotic one was in the Northwest and so that's the one we chose. We packed up our Mustang convertable [loved that car], pulling a UHaul trailer [really stupidly heavy for that car] and moved to the great NW. Ah yes,  I found out I was pregnant. Everything was thrilling for us.

I will write more on the years from our move to the Pacific NW and how we keep the thrill in the thrilling in another post.

A ridiculous statement for today would be "everything is thrilling for us each day." and so it isn't. But more days than not, more months than not, more years than not, more decades than not, we are still thrilled with each other. I must admit that there is a lot of hard work involved in keeping the thrill from being gone. I also must admit there is lots of luck in finding someone who changes in the same direction you are heading. I am so fortunate in that my head, heart, body and mind are in harmony with this man who is my own true love.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved