Lost Harvest

Mr. G and I went babysitting over the weekend and to say the least it was a delight. Our grandchildren at 10 and 6 years old both play soccer and we got to take them to both games. Such fun and they are excellent players. I came home Sunday night and it was dark as I pulled into the driveway, appreciative that friend Meg had taken good care of my cat Rufus, he was there waiting for me. Exhausted from babysitting I slept nine full hours, awoke refreshed and eager to spend the morning preparing a thank you lunch for Meg. The lunch was good, especially the apple cake that I made, giving her more than half to take home. We had two rousing games of Scrabble, each winning one. After she left I took a walk to collect the mail and as I ambled back thinking "I'll pick the apples and start first on apple jelly, then perhaps some apple butter and then give some of those apples to my nieces and sons..." when I reached the driveway with a clear shot of the apple tree in the sun and discovered that every last apple had been picked from my little tree. At first I couldn't believe it. I ran to the tree and looked up, not even one apple left. This was not only theft, this was cruelty.

Last year because of climate change we had a wonky spring and a very late frost. I called Mr. G that year and said, "I just ate our crop." It was a whopping three apples. So you can only imagine how excited I was to have a lush crop of the Akane apples this year. Thrilled. You can also imagine how saddened and disappointed I am to have had harvest violation.

I called the people most important to me, first Mr. G but he was travelling and unavailable, then one of my nieces and then Meg. She said, "I never noticed the tree, do you think your neighbor had someone pick them for you?" "No, she is in Canada until mid week, and she would never do such a thing without asking." So, still feeling violated I called the Sheriff, it was all he could do not to laugh. "How do you like them apples," I believe was his most sympathetic comment.  A bit later Mr. G called back and was appalled and also sooooo angry. He wanted me to check the house and I did, not sure if anything was missing. We talked for about 10 minutes, unfortunately escalating each other's outrage.

After hanging up from the call to my husband I felt a need to clean the house. I vacuumed and scrubbed to get the foul taste out of my head and to stop the whirling thoughts. Still angry I decided to switch gears altogether and made myself a nice dinner, chopping veggies and including an apple from the tree that I fortuitously did harvest before the pillage. A tad better, I went upstairs to connect with all my family that's on Face book. That's when things did dissipate.

When I refuse to forgive someone who wronged me, I sentence the person to a long prison term without pardon ... Now as jailer, I must spend as much time in prison as the prisoner I am guarding. Bearing a grudge is very costly, because those feelings of anger, resentment and fear drain my energy and imprison my vitality and creativity.                Zalman Schachter-Shalomi

Naturally  I read my e mails first and among them was pictures from my old friend Judie of a Polar bear that befriended a Huskie in Alaska and came each night to play with him. Then there was pictures of Koala bears in Australia begging for water when it was unbearably hot [pun intended]. Very cute indeed and gives you a different outlook on love and generosity. Next I went to Facebook as saw the ultra sound picture of a niece's baby. Exciting for the entire tribe, and we are a huge one. Finally I watched a CNN film clip someone sent. It was about a man in India who had worked as a chef in a Four Star hotel, but noticed the starving all around him. He said, "I quit my job and since 2002, I have fed the starving and abandon people who lived in my city." I watched as he tenderly fed and shaved a starving man, an 'untouchable'. It was touching and a good reminder of how spoiled we are, those  of us with a good job, a home, a fabulous family and yes, apples to spare.

Gratitude can change your attitude.     Anon

The apple thieves did wrong me and I am disheartened by their actions but I refuse to be their jailer. This is when the magical thinking kicks in and I hope that they truly were desperate and starving and without a job. Being in a somewhat affluent community brings doubt to my mind, but what the heck it is my fantasy. Would have be nice if:

1. they had asked
2. they were truly needy
3. they weren't sneaky
4. they were honorable and left at least half of the apples for our family.

I am giving myself the entire rest of the day to pout about the loss of my apples. I will be pissed about the presents I cannot present, the dishes I can't make, the lusciousness of biting into the crisp Akane off the tree and the icky violation I feel at being ripped off.

As is our custom, Mr. G and I talk every night on the phone. We, of course, launched into a heated discussion of how rotten those apple thieves are. Then he said something very good, "we've got to stop talking about this or I will never get to sleep." Hey, I am supposed to be the smarty pants counselor and here he is counseling and consoling me. So we talked about our granddaughter and what a terrific star she is on her team and how funny the six year old grandson is and we laughed together at their attempts to get Mr. G to have a "natural laugh" by pressing on his stomach. [He would imitate Woody Woodpecker every time, which reduced me to gales of natural laughter.] And after about five minutes we both were better. Ah, the brain can change and lighten the load.

I am going to work and I am going to ride my bike on this crisp fall day and I am going to put my face into the sun and be grateful that I have this wonderful life even if I am a few apples short of a barrel.

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Heart before the Course

Just don't go puttin' the cart before the horse.         Everyone's Grandparent

"Don't put the heart before the course," I said. Oops! This sentence came to me while talking to a charming but very reticent client.  Imagine, he was actually dreading his future, sure that he was never going to find a life partner. Of course he was dreading a future of his imagination, not reality but something he congered up from his insecurities and fears. He had just divorced a couple of years ago and was fearful of dating and being rejected.

I think it was Mark Twain who said something like this: 'I have lived through trauma, turmoil and tragedy all of my life, most of which I imagined.' I try to interrupt those imagined negative outcomes.  And this is the point at which I misspoke myself to my client. I then laughed and corrected myself but added,  "you do need to put the heart with the course, not before it."

The oft quoted tome is to "follow your heart" and that is lovely when it comes to traveling, books, movies, literature, jobs and a host of other things. However, that is not always the best advice for someone who has had a series of troubled love relationships. I see many people who have had numerous failed relationships in various degrees of failure. So, wonder if you are one of those people who chooses with their heart and always picks someone who is dangerous for you. Or, wonder if in the case of the famous Jane Fonda, who admits: "the men I married were like me, they were not good at intimate relationships." Then, my dear, we need to follow more than just the heart. The same sorry advice is there in "let me hear your body speak," famously used in the song, "Let's get Physical". This is the error when someone uses 'better living through the chemistry' and they feel the body is the supreme voice. Oh my, but it can lead to some fairly disasterous choices for life partners. I've had women say, "I couldn't resist him, the way he looked at me made me all weak inside eventhough I knew he was a deadbeat Dad and all." Then, and finally, if you choose that life partner only with your head, more than one client has confessed, "he made good sense to me [as a life partner], I didn't want any wild boys anymore and he was such an adult man..." This choice, without the sustaining sexual/passion chemistry, can lead to the most boring of circumstances. The exception to this is that you are in your seventies and just really want a companion. So there we have it, the wrong way to go about choosing.  Then, how does one pick a great partner if you don't just "follow your heart, or only go for the chemical hit or leave your feelings behind and make a 'head decision"? Here are some ideas that I have gleaned over the 30 years in private practice and 44 years in a wonderful marriage. There are plenty of books out there that can give you advice from reknown psychologists on marriage,  but I ask you, how many of the psychologists who wrote these books had a great marriage? You'd be surprised, not many.

Here are a few suggestions for the 'course on relationship'. This course teaches you that choosing a life partner must involve not just your heart, but your head [mind], your guts and your intuition.

1. First of all in choosing, aim for a "lover relationship" that is grounded in friendship, attraction, mutual interests, passions, humor, fun, trust and respect.
2. If this is a new relationship, introduce your new person to all of the people that you care about and later, ask them to be candid with you what they think about your new love.
3. When you have taken the plunge and formalized the relationship be sure to prioritize time for intimacy, not just sex but romantic get aways [even if it is just a walk around your neighborhood] where you can talk about what's on your mind.
4. Keep yourself interesting, by reading, taking courses, sharing your opinion about world events, about the people you love or loathe, about the complications of your life. Share this and more on a daily basis.
5. My famous dictum: tell the truth and run applies daily. Reveal your authenticity and always tell your partner what's bothering you or what's fabulous for you. The more 'touching in' each day, even about the small stuff, keeps your partner apprised of where you are emotionally.
6. If this is the special person in your life, act like it. Be kind, loving, interested, generous and compassionate.
7. Realize that you will have disagreements because you are not identical twins, but argue with your head and your heart. Be as respectful as you would to someone you greatly admired.
8. Share your love to many: open your home, be interested in making new friends and connections and keeping things moving and lively.
9. Be quick to admit when you are wrong and apologize promptly.
10. Above all stay aware and amused and try and make you partner laugh each day.
11. Appreciate what you do have and do so loudly, as I have said before, "praise does wonders for our sense of hearing."
12. Love, love, love, kiss, kiss, kiss. Doesn't sound very scientific but, hey it works.

I discussed many of these ideas in the blog on "A Long and Fulfilling Marriage" in March. I am a big promoter of happier unions and science backs me up. Marriage, or a life partner encourages stability, staves off loneliness, usually solves financial problems and if worked properly lets people grow old in a healthier manner than being alone. plus you have someone to share jokes, complaints, meals and people with. It can be blissful.

In May we will celebrate our 44th anniversary and will be celebrating 42 years of married bliss. Hey, we're not perfect.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

In a Word, It's Hard...of Hearing

Many years ago at the urgings of my sons and husband I went for my first hearing exam. The wheels of suggestion tend to move very slowly for me and I had waited until I'd lost most of the soft sounds and had to ask people to repeat what they'd said more often. Movies were particularly difficult and I was unable to understand some of the dialogue. Not wanting to be rude I'd tug on Mr.G's shirt sleeve whispering, "what did they just say?" Being kind and sympathetic he'd answer me, "humm, mmmm, tttppp." So, more frustration, I couldn't understand his whispered response. I succumbed to the obvious and made the appointment for the exam.

During that first exam my fantasy was the Doctor would lean back and reply enthusiastically, "oh these are just plugged eustacian tubes," or "what a nasty infection you have in there" adding, " and we'll have this cleared up in no time!" Instead after the tests the Doc smiled kindly and said, "you should consider a hearing aid."

I remember that I didn't cry as I headed for a whole milk with whipped cream mocha, but I did feel particularly sorry for myself. "Poor me. I am far and away too young to be plagued with this tragedy, after all, I am a psychotherapist and rely on my listening for a living." I was only 50 years old not like my Mother who in her 70's finally got a hearing aid after years of shouting, "stop mumbling, I can't hear you."

In the adjustments stage of "I'm not ready for a hearing aid" I did all kinds of tricks: I pulled my chair ever closer to the soft spoken, honed my attention to the speaker in crowds and taught myself to read lips. To lighten up the situation I'd say to the soft spoken women, "if you don't speak up I'll be in your lap in a minute, " which usually rectified that problem pronto. Yet, it could be frustrating getting only part of a conversation in a phone call and worse, sometimes I'd have the most ridiculous guesses as to what someone was saying. Here's an example, an electrician was working at our house and I thought he said, "could I borrow your vacuum?" I glowed thinking of him humming while he vacuumed my house. "Sure", I said, "the vacuum's in the closet."  "No, the BATHROOM." Embarrassing. This misunderstanding, I am sorry to say, was not that unusual. This struggling to hear accurately went on for more time than I care to admit.  Finally I had a dream: I couldn't hear what someone was saying and in that dream a friend of mine said, "Susan, get a hearing aid." Not even subtle and I awoke chuckling.

Since I had waited so long, I had to be retested. My loss had progressed from mild to moderate, no surprise there. The young audiologist for this first go round of hearing aids put putty in my ears for the digital hearing aids that, at the time were the most technically advanced and the most expensive. President Clinton was wearing them and braver than me, was touting them to one and all. One of their charms is that you can fool people into thinking that you can hear perfectly because they are completely hidden in the ear canal. She recommended that I have one in each ear and gave me a 30 day trial period. She told me "scads of people are wearing these hearing aids, you probably haven't noticed." 

When my new hearing aids arrived, I  put them in and waltzed out of the office with great optimism and immediately, against the advice of the young audiologist, went to a noisey grocery store.  She had wanted me to stay in "gentle environments" to gradually acclimate to the sounds. Well, I don't do anything gradually, I believe in plunging in so this first excursion was more than educational. I could hear all of the irritating noises amplified: the paper bags rustling, the blaring shopper announcements and worse, my knees continually crinkling as I walked. I kept thinking, "do I need this?"

I kept mistakenly calling them "my ear plugs," because that's how it felt to me, ear plugs with a microphone. I became hyperconscious of my own voice, very annoying. But I continuted to be hopeful and adventuresome and wore the plugs in my office, to the movies, at home listening to music, on the phone and finally into an antique store. It was in one of the antique stores that I decided that perhaps wearing only one of the hearing aids would be less annoying, so I put one of those very small devices in the breast pocket of my vest. As I was climbing back into my car after poking around I realized to my horror that the hearing aid was not in my pocket. I must have dropped it, but where? In true financial panic I flew into the first one of the three antique stores and said, "I'm missing my hearing aid and it looks like this," as I whipped out the plug from my ear, "can any of you help me find it?" Imagine, if you will, the horror of combing those stuffed-to-the-gills dusty old shops for an object no bigger than a pistachio nut. The man behind the counter marshaled everyone in the store to help look. Everyone was so kind and solicitous and no, it wasn't to be found in the first, then the second store. I walked into the third shop and there lying on the floor, miraculously untouched by human feet, was that tiny hearing aid. I couldn't wait to get rid of those expensive devices.

Mind you, I had only used them for a month but I never did, with that model anyway, have the "ah-ha, so this is why I got a hearing aid" experience. Honestly, I was hoping that the digital hearing aids would be like wearing glasses for the first time when I was 13. "Will you look at that," I said to my sister in awe, "you can see individual leaves on the trees!" Indeed, it was then explained to me that the hearing aids can significantly but only modestly improve my hearing loss.

So I coped again and told the soft of speech "I have a hearing loss and would you mind speaking a bit louder?" Some people were uncomfortable knowing that I had this loss and I truly feared that I would lose all of my clients. That did not happen, I remained busy at work.

I tried another round and got one of the obvious, more old fashioned and less expensive models, the kind that you can see,  the ones that fits in the outer cavity of the ear and has a little wheel for volume control. Mom had one and liked it, so, I thought, why not try it. I did and it was OK for several years, a definite improvement over the ear plugs. I liked that I was able to tune out the fussy babies, the irritating overheard conversations and the loud music.

I was at a very raucous Christmas party a couple of years ago, wearing my single outer hearing aid and having trouble talking to one of my acquaintences with all of the background noise. He had just gotten hearing aids for the first time and was so pleased about his new hearing aids that he all but sang the Halleleujah chorus. Seems the hearing aids in the four years since I had acquired my outer number, had advanced again and it was an over the ear digital model. He actually wanted me to try it on at the party. I deferred but the enthusiasm was not wasted on me. I made an appointment, got tested and walked out that day with two new hearing aids. They are highly specifically programed to my hearing loss, have multiple settings for various situations and are a great deal better than the previous two models that I tried. So, I'm also pleased, not thrilled mind you, but satisfied. I still cannot hear everything that I would like to and sadly one of my ears hears things in a distorted fashion.

People have all kinds of losses in their lives. Loved ones sicken and die, their pets grow old and fail, they lose their agilities and their abilities, their sight becomes impaired and so does their health  and they inevitably have to face their own death. This loss of hearing is a minor loss and by no means a tragedy. I don't love my hearing aids but I appreciate them each day and am so grateful that I am fortunate enough to have them.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

On Anger

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Phillips

I'm so angry at you [to his 3 year old little sister who just knocked over his legos] that I am going to be angry until tomorrow.    My four year old grandson.

I'm so angry at the deer who wrecked my garden that I'm ready to throw in the trowel. What once was a lovely fall display now looks like I not only called in the dogs but had each dog led into the garden by a three year old stomping til their heart's content. In other posts I have mentioned that I throw my shoes at the deer, I growl at them, I bark at them. They are not intimidated. I also use a spray concoction that works swell if it is applied about every other day. The trouble is I had to be gone every weekend in September and was unable to spray. Hence the ruination of my garden.

How does one deal with anger especially when it is partly your own fault? This is something that we frequently discuss in counseling. How to recover from being furious so that you can salvage the day, the afternoon, the night, the hour, the moment.

Years ago I went to a workshop about grief, prepared to take copious notes. The presenter started off the session by asking all of us, "can you finish this sentence? I'm so angry I could just ----------------?"  People hollered out all kinds of answers, "scream", "spit", "rough somebody up", "stomp my foot', "break something."  You get the picture. The answer he was looking for was "relax". Pfffft, I thought "what the hell does he know about anger?" Then he proceeded to tell us and it blew me away.

Seems that in the 60's everyone expressing themselves with abandon and losing one's temper was encouraged. Telephone books were provided to tear apart, people were encouraged to scream at each other to unleash their pent up emotions and then there was the famous Primal Scream. Well, no one tested this to see if any of it was helpful or not, until someone did a study of young men in prison. The authorities were issuing boxing gloves to these young men and told them to pound the bag when they got angry. When they were let out of prison and they got angry, gee, they tended to pound the hell out of their nearest and dearest. Not a good idea. And so, they [mostly] ended up back in prison. I was glad to have this information though I knew from experience not to give my little boys guns or boxing gloves.

One of the best examples of recovering from a temper came to me many years ago. I worked with a man, let's call him Turk, who had made a dreadful mistake in a fit of peak. He destroyed some of his ex-wife's new husband's property. Turk fully admitted it, got arrested and had to make restitution to the ex and her new partner. He was quite remorseful especially because she forbid him to see the children without supervision until the court was satisfied with the settlement. Turk was devastated at the limitations set forth about seeing the kids and figured that his best shot at regaining his rights to see them was through counseling. He called me. Since I had helped found the domestic violence program in our town I was not terribly sympathetic about his plight.

Let me explain, most of the men that I had dealt with for a charge of assault were not generally remorseful. They tended to justify their behavior, rationalize their actions and even minimize or deny that anything upsetting had happened. This kind of denial keeps these men in a state of adolescence and they seem unwilling to break free. This was not true of Turk and it became apparent that he needed and wanted some new methods to cool his temper. No denial there. We started sifting through his upbringing [grim] to find clues to his rage and then decided to use his belief system [very religious] to aid in him becoming more philosophical than angry about his circumstances. Turk was very lonely and missed his children terribly. Because of his connection to the church, we started there to help him reconnect with the human race. Turk responded positively and was soon volunteering with some of the elderly who needed assistance. Next he wrote a formal apology not only to his ex but also to her new partner. This was difficult but a necessary step in his recovery from rage. Then we practiced meditation, breathing exercises and he opted for prayer instead of yoga. With his job he got plenty of exercise so I didn't have to insist on that. He needed to trust himself again and to gage his own reactions to what could be dicey situations in the future.  Obviously, he need to release his anger in a more mature fashion, and address any problems with his head after he had assessed his heart/feelings.

 Here is a short list of what works best for most to dissipate anger.

1. Be in touch with your body. Remember to check yourself: is my heart beating faster, my pulse racing along with my mind? How exactly am I feeling?
2. Make a game of  your emotions: see how quickly you can go from 10- furious, enraged to 1- calm and peaceful. One minute? Ten minutes? Half a day? The shorter the better. Set a goal, "it took me ten minutes to calm down, next time I'm going for 5..."
3. Breathe, deepen each exhale and let it be a couple of seconds longer than the inhale.
4. Talk to someone you trust about the feeling you are experiencing. Do you need to take an action? Do so after your talk and perhaps after you have calmed down a bit.
5. Do count to 10 and if that is not enough make that twenty five before you make a rash response.
6. Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Think of that HALT acronym and then do the opposite, eat, breathe, talk to a friend and sleep.
7. Ask yourself, "will this matter in five years?" Try to see the future with you as a calm and peaceful participant.
8. Don't force solutions, if things are becoming too uncomfortable give yourself permission to take a break.
9. Love does conquer everything. Make sure that you are being loving and treating others they way you want to be treated.
10. If necessary [and I believe if you have really lost it, it is almost always necessary] make amends to anyone who got your blast.
11. Use the energy of anger for creativity. Anger has fueled plays, movies, books, art, and song. Go for the full Monty. Enjoy the revving engine and fire that can fuel the creativity.
12. Everyone gets angry even the saints, so embrace your humanness.

Finally into each life a little munching deer must fall. I still have my garden, chewed though it is and at least I am able to laugh long and hard at my silly attempt to imitate a canine.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.