How Procrastination Can Amuse and Change Your Life

Two of the grands agree that the best way to procrastinate is in your PJs with a book

On March 11 of this year I included a partial list of how I see people gumming up their lives, and then I cleverly forgot about writing the sequels. So you will see that I added two more items to the list:

1. laziness
2. lack of exercise and an improper diet
3. fear 
4. greed and stinginess
5. depression/anxiety
6. drugs and/or alcohol
7. poor choices in relationships
8. guilt from real mistakes or imaged mistakes
9. too much TV or cyber instruments
10. meaninglessness
11. unwillingness to change or fear of change
12. loathing of self
13. anger and hatred of self or others
14. narrow mindedness
15. purposely failing so you stay stuck
16. not paying attention to your internal radar
17. procrastination, ha!

I often amuse myself and I feel that it is one of my finest features. Just now for example I was about to embark on a very serious tome about procrastination and found myself downstairs rummaging around the kitchen for something to eat. Mind you, I'm not one bit hungry, instead I was senselessly fleeing from the subject at hand. Duh!

Some  clients I've worked with have been ridiculously good at procrastination. I go out of my way to point out that this is a waste of time, talent and further more, the loss of a good opportunity. I say that, except that it isn't always true. In fact the reason most people procrastinate is that there is usually a reward hooked up in the delay. 

Case in point. Recently my neighbor's sheep all escaped and roamed into our yard, chomping madly. I thought this was really funny to have a free mow but Mr. G was less amused. So he swore he was going to rush out there and round them up, driving them back--- cowboy style--to the farm from whence they fled. Except he got distracted by an article he was reading and the next thing we knew our sheep banditos had mosied back home all by themselves, wagging their tails behind them. Sometimes the old saw, 'don't just stand there do something' is better reversed: "don't do something, just stand there'.  So there is apparently an art to procrastination. When applied lightly, it will serve you well. 

 Things have gotten so bad, I'm going to join Procrastinators Anonymous.....Soon.                                                 Sally Popin

Then there's the other form of procrastination which is more tortured for both those witnessing and those caught in the throes of ineptitude. In my work I found the clients who were the worst procrastinators were usually bound up in perfectionism, laziness or fear. Many a time a client and I had to brainstorm rewards or as a last resort [with their permission] blackmail to get results. "How desperately do you want this to get this book done?" I asked a favorite client and she answered 'desperately'. Alas, since the rewards we planned together were not effective, we resorted to blackmail. She wrote a check out to an organization that she found revolting [I believe it was to 'Newt for President' or something anti-feminist] and I accepted it and said, "I'll gladly send the check if you don't complete the agreed upon chapters." Blackmail won the day, the book got finished. You'd think that the imagined satisfaction from completing the book, even a difficult one, would spur someone on to finish. Sadly, for that client and many others, you'd be wrong. 

The perfect is the enemy of the good.                     Voltaire

Perfectionism has a halo for a disguise. People say rather proudly, "well, you know I'm something of a perfectionist..." and I'd think: "and you either have OCD or are a terrible procrastinator." Neither of which is something to brag about. I think most people realize that most phobias are based on fear and perfectionism is a kissing cousin to obsessive compulsive disorder, hence, fear based. Where the perfectionist gets in their own way is by saying to themselves, "this could be so much better if I just_________[fill in the blank], so can't finish this now, I'll work on it later." Deadly words. And  I know as does Mr. G [who was a boss of many people], this is the nightmare of many a boss-- to have a perfectionist on their staff.

So how do you wrench someone away from their erroneous thoughts? Slowly, slowly let them come to the conclusion that change is possible and imperfection makes the world go round. By definition humans are defined as being flawed, lovely, complex, complicated and interesting creatures. Perfect is not possible for anyone except babies. We are not gods or goddesses. You will makes mistakes, errors, slips of judgement and the most mature posture you can take afterwords is to gleefully admit your mistake and move on. I tell my clients, "anything worth doing is worth doing..." they guess, "well" and the answer is "Badly!" In other words, get it done even if it feels uncomfortable because it could be better.

The message is kind of heavy but it works

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

Our Dear Mom and Dad's Anniversary

On this day 70 years ago Bob and Jane were married

Dear all,
This is going to be a quick post because I  want to get this out to all of you. The hurry is that I want you all to remember Bob and Jane and honor them with blessed and loving thoughts. This would have been their 70th wedding anniversary.

I have this picture on my fridge showing off one of Dad's exquisite talents---making our mother laugh. He looks like he's attempting to sit in her hap and also that he is about to kiss her. I love that and to see them laughing together was always a fond memory for me. 

These weren't perfect people and it wasn't a perfect marriage but it was a loving one that filled our house with laughter and song. Had they lived, and he not died at the untimely age of only 67, they would be nearly 94 [Dad] and almost 93 [Mom]. I cherish the marriage they had, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in snowstorm or a sunny beach day I can only say, ain't we got fun. 

I miss them both and feel so grateful that we had them as parents and they were such good grandparents to all of you, serving as a role model for all of us. 

Please add any comments or funny stories to this post if you'd like.

much love to all , S

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

When I am Hopelessly Lost

I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.
Amazing Grace, traditional

She who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.   Anon

 One of my least amusing, tragic flaws is that I tend to 'lose it' [pun unfortunate] when I'm lost. I absolutely hate it and my behavior reflects it. This most often occurs when I'm without a map or only have an inadequate map and am driving around an unfamiliar city. I get in a fury trying to become reoriented. 

This most recently happened with my grandkids in San Francisco. I thought we were so smart because we had perfect directions to the spot where we were dropping off our grandson, it was a breeze. Then, when we went to pick him up, I thought I knew where to get back on the freeway but I was deeply wrong. What seemed like hours [in fact it was minutes] later, after uttering a few choice swear words, my grandson finally said, "Turn here, Nana..." and he was right. We got back on the freeway and to his house with no further ado. 

I apologized to all of them. I was a big pill, grumbling and possibly frightening the kids and I really was ashamed of myself for making such a fuss. I remembered a story that my niece told me about swearing. Her darling, precocious two and a half year old daughter was in the car with her when she uttered a very risque swear word. After she'd calmed down she said to the little girl "I'm so sorry, Mommy said a very bad word." Then my grandniece said in her little fairy voice, "Oh, you could just say 'house' instead." Good solution, out of the mouth of babes. 

As for another solution, one of my sisters says when she gets lost, "I look upon it like it's adventure," to which I'm thinking "after riding with me when I'm lost it would be an adventure in hell."

So I'm asking myself, 'why do I get so agitated?' I was never left by the side of the road by my parents. Yes, I was under supervised and probably got lost quite a bit when I first started driving, but, come on, I surely could get over that. 

Some obvious questions you might have for me are: "why don't you have GPS?' Answer, "we don't have a smart phone, only stupid, simple cellphones.". Then also, "why didn't you ask for help?" Ah, it was dark at night and I truly believed that if I just kept going in a certain direction I would see some signs. I was wrong. Wrong in the wrong direction is not good. Next, you might wonder, "shouldn't you plan your trip in advance?" To which I can only reply "shut up". 


Each time I forget to have specific instructions on how to get somewhere I vow it will never happen again. But it does. So how about if I make a formal declaration of 'dependency' on a plan. "I promise to know where I'm going at all times." That's quite a goal. And of course, if I don't remember to make a solid plan I'll probably get lost again...but this time I could just say "house" instead.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The End to Violence Against Women

My Dad one of the sweetest human beings

This is my 150th post!  I thought I'd do something about gratitude because Thanksgiving is this week. However, up popped the little white ribbon on the google page that stands for 'ending violence against women,' since this is an issue that is dear to my heart, it wins a landmark post. Sadly, violence against women is still a big unresolved problem in this country and it needs to be addressed constantly, fearlessly and healed in the world.

History has proven [Nazis, Bosnians against the Muslims, Hutus and the Tutsies, etc.] if you belittle, berate, disrespect people it becomes easier to be uncaring, or worse, violent toward them. Racism and sexism can lead to violence. Here's a proven equation: if you disrespect and objectify a person it can lead to lack of empathy for them. So why on earth would someone who is intelligent listen to this nonsense [I'm showing some of the quotes below] and not boycott the individuals or the groups? Here are some doozies:

"What does it say about the college coed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex."
Rush Limbaugh, drug addict, misogynist and convicted felon

"Women's voices are not appropriate or qualified to participate in the debate over birth control."
Rep. Darrell Issa, unbelievably still in office this year 

"Back in my days they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly."
Foster Friess  spokesman for the radical religious right

"Before...my friends on the left side of the aisle here tried to make rape and incest the subject — because, you know, the incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low" — current Republican Rep. Trent Franks 

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, and I realized that life is a gift from God, and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something God intended to happen."
—Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, who lost his 2012 Senate bid--thank god.

"These Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness...We are not going to have our men become subservient."
— Rep. Allen West (R-Fl.), who lost his 2012 bid for re-election

"[Singer] Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of forcible rape."
—Former Republican Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, on the upside of pregnancy after rape.  [I'm sure he'd feel the same if it was his daughter who was raped.]

"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
—Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri). His lost his Senate bid in 2012.

 "The facts show that people who are raped —who are truly raped—the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work and they don't get pregnant. Medical authorities agree that this is a rarity, if ever."

—former Rep. Henry Aldridge (R-N.C.) 

I've got your back sister, and we are pushing against a huge amount of prejudice.

 I am pleased that slowly people, the people that care about respect for women, are standing up to some of the ridiculous remarks above and happily many of these men have been voted out of office. I did run across two women who said idiotic things but they paled in comparison to the above quotes. Rest assured there are women out there who are disrespectful towards their sisters. Shame on them. 

Often, as an excuse for their ghastly behavior men who abuse, who are violent and who rape say, "I had a really difficult childhood" or "hey, I got drunk and she got in my face," and the like. Well, that doesn't hold water. My dear Dad who had an absolutely abysmal childhood and who drank to the point of [as he put it]being 'overserved again', never so much as raised his voice against any of the women in his life and there were many: five daughters, two sisters, a wife, a mother and mother in law, the waitresses at his restaurant...I could go on and on. The point is, there is no excuse for violence against women. 

Let's stand together, hold each other dear and have each other's backs.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Is Ignorance Bliss About Drinking?

One reason I don't drink is I want to know when I'm having a really good time.                    Nancy Astor

When Mr. G and I were in France and then Italy many years ago, we were pleasantly surprised to find that some of our assumptions about these two countries were entirely false. We believed that all the French and the Italians were heavy drinkers. Instead, when we were in France we went out to eat at a small bistro, [you know, the kind where there are big tables that you share with others], and we watched while a group of two couples shared a bottle of wine. What was surprising was that they poured water into their wine and then more astonishing left about a fourth of that bottle. It wasn't as though the wine was plonk, we had some too, it was very good. So all that talk about "we just want to drink like the French and the Italians"...well, rethink how they drink, it's much less than you imagine. Additionally in those two countries we never witnessed any drunkenness.

From Ann Johnston's book Drink, she points out the obvious, that "excessive alcohol use causes family disruption, violence, injury" and even death. Alcohol is the third leading cause of preventable death after smoking, bad diet and inactivity. "By conservative estimates, it's responsible for roughly 80,000 deaths each year: of those, 23,000 are female. Of the 23,000 more than half are related to binge drinking. For women, binge drinking is defined as four or more drinks on one occasion in the past month; for men it's five."

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.                                                                             Ogden Nash

One more drink and I'll be under the host.                                                                    Dorothy Parker 

Binge drinking is a very unrecognized problem and as many as 14 million American girls and women binge an average of three times a month with 6 [!] drinks per episode. Further, one in five high school girls binge drink and these numbers rise from 45% of freshman to 62% of senior girls. Mind you this does not mean that they are alcoholic but it does present a major health risk, to wit: injuring the developing brain, unwanted pregnancies, accidents, and sexually transmitted diseases. Not a pretty picture.

My opinion is that the prevalence of  the come hither ads in magazines, on the TV, the silver screen, or sometimes the examples at their own homes, gives young women and men a distorted view of what is an OK way to drink. As one of my favorite young women once said to me, "I just didn't know what my limit was, I never even thought about it." So what is safe to drink? The limits should be discussed and pointed out to these kids. As I write this, all the latest information states that one drink a day for women and two for men are marginally recommended. Actually the medical establishment is question if any amount of alcohol is actually good for you.  I realize how foolish it is to think that informing young women that "maximum three drinks a week is medically safe for women" would deter a "I wanna get buzzed" high school girl, but it might make them think. Is ignorance bliss about drinking, no, not if you value your health.

Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of---and the solution to ---all of life's problems!                     The Simpsons '97

Another quote from the book Drink;

As Sir Ian Gilmore of the Royal College of Physicians said: "In the thirty years I have been a liver specialist, the striking difference is this: liver cirrhosis was a disease of elderly men---I have seen a girl as young as seventeen and women in their twenties with end-stage liver disease. Alcohol dependence is setting in when youngsters are still in their teens. This mirrors what we saw with tobacco, when women caught up with men on lung cancer."

In addition:

 "Alcohol is a carcinogen and the risks of drinking far outweigh the protective factors."  The questions is raised, where would the numbers on breast cancer be if there was no heavy drinking. "Women's vulnerabilities start with the simple fact that they have more body fat than men. Since body fat contains little water, there is less to dilute the alcohol consumed...the intoxicating effects of alcohol set in faster when estrogen levels are high."

For women, with our body chemistry it's possible to become dependent on alcohol faster than men. "Women who consume four or more drinks daily quadruple their risk of dying from heart disease. Heavy drinkers of both genders run the risk of stroke, but the odds are five times higher for women."

Here is the quiz from the National Council on Drugs and Alcohol

Yes or No: Decide whether your answer is YES or NO [over the past 12 months] and then check the appropriate space. Please be sure to answer every question. Don't cheat!

NCADD Self-Test:  What are the Signs of Alcoholism?

1.  Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?	Yes   No
2.  Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?	Yes   No
3.  Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?	Yes   No
4.  When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?	Yes   No
5.  Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?	Yes   No
6.  Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?	Yes   No
7.  Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?	Yes   No
8.  Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?	Yes   No
9.  Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?	Yes   No
10.  Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?	Yes   No
11.  Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?	Yes   No
12.  When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?	Yes   No
13.  Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?	Yes   No
14.  Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?	Yes   No
15.  Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?	Yes   No
16.  Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?	Yes   No
17.  Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?	Yes   No
18.  Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?	Yes   No
19.  Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?	Yes   No
20.  Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?	Yes   No
21.  Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?	Yes   No
22.  Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?	Yes   No
23.  After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?	Yes   No
24.  Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?	Yes   No;
25.  Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?	Yes   No
26.  Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?	Yes   No

 The answers to the quiz:  

If you answered yes to any of these questions you have some symptom that may indicate alcoholism.

Yes answers to three or more questions in various categories indicate the following stages of alcoholism.

Questions 1 to 8: Early stage

Questions 9 to 21; Middle stage

Questions 22 to 26; Beginning of Final stage 

Granted, none of us are saints, but ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your health. We all should be able to maturely and correctly assess where we are in our drinking lives. This could literally save your life or at least prevent some health crisis or heart ache down the road.

Is the Alcohol Industry the New Tobacco Industry?

The best times have to do with family and fun not necessarily the beverage you're drinking

Remember how it was more than forty years ago when it seemed everyone smoked? The tobacco industry was busy  trying to convince everyone you couldn't be cool or sexy if you didn't smoke. Remember? Silly me, I forgot most of you who read these posts do not remember because you were either babies or not born yet. The pressure from the industry was relentless: magazines, TV, movies, all touting the wonderfulness of lighting up. The justifications were simple, you had to have a cigarette to relax and in fact, initially nicotine does have that quality to it. Then after awhile the demon grabs those who over indulge and guess what, addiction sets in, choice goes to physical demand and the viciousness is finally revealed. Nasty drug.

Then came all of the shocking statistics that the tobacco industry had been covering up for years. Tobacco actually led to addiction and caused early death and serious bodily harm. No one wanted to believe this, but the conclusions were obvious and right in front of the general public, people were getting sick and dying because of their dependence on tobacco.  Oh how the industry fought it, as did any of the people who made the profits from the industry. But ordinary citizens put pressure on the legislature to stop ignoring the health risks so that finally, kicking and screaming, congress imposed rules on the industry. No more slanting their advertising to children, labeling the dangers of second hand smoke, etc. Sadly it took more than three decades before the general public got the sense to stop using as much tobacco as was used forty years ago. This battle is only partially won, the ad men are still out there trying any angle they can use to prop up their industry.

And they've found an angle. In 1969 Phillip Morris purchased Miller Brewing company and started using all of their tactical successes selling the public tobacco to now selling beer. It was a stunning success. Then the ad people and the industry realized that women preferred wine to beer and I'll give you one guess as to what happened next. Yes, ads and the commercials started: the only way to be cool and sexy is to drink. Not satisfied with just the women they started to target the youth market. Coolers, Mike's Hard Lemonade [it has vodka in it], etc. And most repulsively they are attempting to make drunkenness the norm. They need new drinkers and preferably new heavy drinkers or the industry would suffer financial declines. Besides women, our children and teens are vulnerable and their brains haven't developed properly. This heavy drinking can literally damage them. We must not we sit silent while the industry tries to hoodwink our youth and make light about the crazy consumption in high school and colleges. 

By the way, I am no angel. I drank a ridiculous amount my freshman and sophomore years in college and then, thank god, I started to not tolerate booze, barfing sick. That was the end to my bingeing. Long ago I was sorry, now I am so grateful that my body doesn't cope well with excessive amounts of alcohol. This has saved me from a world of pain that I've seen others go through, the ones who did not have the "automatic shut-off".

Jungian analyst Jan Bauer says she believes women are looking for "oblivion drinking." Alcohol offers a time out from doing it all. We were all raised on the superwoman goal: to have it all and do it all. No one told us what a price perfectionism would extract---it's heavy. So a neat way out is to get high--- and drugs, including marijuana, alcohol, sleeping pills, and the harder drugs offer a time-out, an oblivion and a small amount of peace. In this post, I'm just focusing on alcohol being the most socially acceptable "mother's little helper." I'm aiming to alert women on the dangers inherent of heavy drinking. 

In her excellent book Drink:The Intimate Relationship between Women and Alcohol, Ann Johnston makes a case for women suffering from the myth of perfection. Using herself as an example, She was divorced, working a demanding job and raising her child.  At her house she imposed on herself great meals, "homemade Halloween costumes", in short the Martha Stewart myth plus. She said, "my ex by contrast served Kraft dinner or lean cuisine" and her son accepted that. The ex was not a perfectionist. I can relate. When I went to graduate school in the late '80's, I was commuting once a week for two days to Seattle, I also had a demanding job and was raising teen age sons. Happily for me I had Mr. G who, bless his heart fed the boys "nice eggs" or pizza every time I left. See, no perfectionism there either. Me, I wept with the frustration of feeling not worthy and being pulled apart by my chosen life. Makes me shake my head and chuckle at myself now.

And speaking of Martha Stewart, she isn't Martha Stewart either. Do you honestly believe she could do her life without a veritable army of helpers? Rest assured she's not down on her knees scrubbing floors, planting seedlings or cooking any meals. But she does pose for the pictures in her lovely magazine and even that has the army fixing her up. 

Serenity can come from activities that enhance excitement and calmness 

Tomorrow, exactly what is heavy drinking and a quiz...
susansmagicfeather 2013 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Resolving Depression and Complicated Grieving

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.                                                               Steven Wright

You wake up in the morning and wish that your parents had never met.                                 Bill Fitch 

Years ago I read in one of Dave Barry's books a story about his mom that illustrates this point. Her husband, Dave's father, Dave,  had been dead for three years and his mother still wasn't functioning well, she seemed sad all the time. Then at the urging of her sons she sold her house because, "it's really too big to take care of by yourself.". When she'd visit it was clear she wasn't getting making any progress on where she was going to live.  She moved constantly from son to son's house and  talked with great longing about her husband. and left notes on the calendar about events that they had celebrated together. She'd write things like, "Dave's [the husband] birthday, come back Dave."  Dave Berry and his siblings thought for sure she'd snap out of it eventually and settle down somewhere she liked. "What she really wanted", wrote Dave, "was her old house, with my father in it". Finally Dave, and I imagine his brothers too, were getting exasperated with their mother and took to lecturing her about getting a grip and settling down.  She didn't and sadly, she committed suicide. A very hard legacy to leave for the family. At the end of this very sad story Dave wrote something like this: be sure to really listen to your parents [or grieving friend or relative] and when they express despair, pay attention. In other words, please don't ignore the symptoms of depression. This coming from a comic writer. I've never forgotten it.

Obviously it is easy to figure out in retrospect that Dave's mom needed professional help, and who knows perhaps she refused it. Below are some suggestions  from the Center for Grief and Healing that I thought were succinct and pertinent.

The difference between grief and depression 

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Giving away many personal items

Slow speech and body movements Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there Shutting out friends or relatives

When to seek professional help for grief

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

• Feel like life isn't worth living
• Wish you had died with your loved one
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities 
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
• Feel that you are worthless

As for seeking professional help, it has to be right for who you are, what feels the most soothing to you. One of my favorite therapists in town has a grief group ever six months and for some people this is very valuable and healing. Not everyone is appropriate for groups, it feels threatening and not safe they heal better with family and friends or in individual therapy.

For all of us who are concerned about someone who is grieving my remedy of choice I call 'bird dogging'. I learned this technique from my friends and from my Mom. Mom called my sister every single day after the death of my sister's husband. My sis said that this was one of the most important helps on her road to healing, she looked forward to the check-ins and the support from our mother. So when someone you love is grieving be there for them either literally or by any form of communication. Bird dog your loved ones, keep them in sight and in touch, and not just for a couple of months. What is especially true is, let's say six months later,  most people expect someone to "be over that" and that's when it's most crucial to be there.

So, what are the best ways to resolve depression and grief at the same time? Unfortunately the answer varies wildly with each circumstance and each death. For some going back to work is essential, an excellent distraction especially if you like and appreciate your job and the co workers are very supportive. If work isn't palliative or soothing for you then taking time off is important-- as long as you're not isolating yourself.
Be honest with yourself, if you need help, yell Help! Call someone who is loving and supportive of you and don't go alone on this difficult journey. Then when you're able get with people and activities that make you laugh and feel joyful, even if for a moment. The reality of life is we all die, but in between birth and death we can live richly, lovingly and fully.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Grief vs. Depression

Our darling Dad

Our loving Mom

 In my talk to Hospice group someone asked a very good question, "how can we do this hospice work and not go down the rabbit hole?"  That got me thinking about grief verses depression: in other words, the rabbit hole. 

Embarrassingly the example that I popped into my mind was of putting my cat Rufus down---I guess since it was my most recent grieving experience. I said, "I'm still very sad about Rufus and I miss him every day,  but it doesn't depress me". 

This reaction is so different than Marie's* one of my clients from years ago. She had to put her pet down but it was a very depressing event. The dog, Buddy had been run over by her husband. Buddy didn't immediately die and they rushed him to the vet who operated on him, removing one of Buddy's legs. He rallied for a bit only to be in gross pain. The vet leveled with her: "you can't continue with this course of action, he's suffering and will not recover." So she felt forced to put him down. The grief was terrible and complicated. When Marie cried, she'd upset her husband who felt guilty. As Marie put it "I was both angry and frustrated," she said amidst the tears, "he never really bonded with Buddy anyway and now this." So she hid her grief and cried alone. The more she hid, the angrier and more depressed she became.

Marie came into counseling saying, "I didn't feel this much grief when my mother died!" "How was your relationship with your mother?" I asked. "Not good." Obviously there is going to be a different sort of grief when you have a difficult relationship with someone you love but don't particularly like. In the case of Buddy, she not only loved him, he was her constant source of support. Unfortunately for her, the husband was a distant sort, a "man's man" and always taking trips with his friends, rarely including her in his attention. Then when he inadvertently killed her best source of comfort, well, you can see the complication.

Here are the myths and facts list that I took from The Center for Grief and Healing

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Mom came to all the weddings in the family and helped all of us emotionally and financially

What I'm exploring in this post is not simple grief which is straight forward and pure, like  the loss of a beloved mother who lived to be almost 90. This is sad but not a tragedy. Much more difficult for me was the loss of a darling Dad at the age of only 67, who died quite suddenly from a heart attack. Took me quite awhile to grieve him. Those of us who've had a child die experience horrible pain and that, in my book, is always a tragedy. The grief from the loss of a child may last a very long time and might be complicated. Here's more.

Complicated grief

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn't remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:

Intense longing and yearning for the deceased Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one Denial of the death or sense of disbelief Imagining that your loved one is alive

Searching for the person in familiar places Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

My hope publishing all of this is that it can bring some clarity to the subject of grieving vs. depression. My best to all of you out there who read these posts. As a friend remarked today in Facebook:

"the meaning of life is to find your  gift, the purpose of life is to give it away."                       Pablo Picasso

*No surprise, Marie is a compilation of several clients.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Boundaries Part Two: Remedies and Solutions

Supposing someone said to you, "guard this property with your life!" and then left you standing out in the middle of a field without a clue as to exactly where the boundaries are. That, my friends, is what it's like for many adults. They truly don't know where their personal or others boundaries are. They can't draw the line, because they don't know where the line is and so it makes their life and human interactions a bit difficult.   


An easy example of how problems develop with drawing the line and boundaries can be illustrated with dogs. Dogs that are trained with love, kindness, respect and patience tend to be "good" dogs. Dogs that are trained with brutality, neglect or abandonment are either whimpering neurotic messes [weak boundaries, withdrawn and fearful] or aggressive dangerous threats to all [rigid boundaries, violating others and nasty]. I realize this is fairly simplistic, but if you apply this to human children, [read the above substituting the word children for dogs]  you more or less get the same results. 

Below is a list of solutions for people who have either weak boundaries or the people whose boundaries are too rigid.

                WEAK BOUNDARIES                                            RIGID BOUNDARIES

• accept nervousness when you speak the truth         learn to be flexible
• pay attention to your gut                                              respect other's wishes
• tell the truth and run                                                     accept "no" from others
• ask for what you need                                                    back off when asked
• let go of other's feelings                                                  stop using fear to manipulate
• explore the roots of your weaknesses                          explore the roots of the rigidity
• enlist a support group                                                     enlist a support group
• align your self with positive people                               become more open minded
• consider therapy                                                              consider therapy
• put your responses on hold                                            let go of instant gratification
• correct errors                                                                   learn to admit being wrong
• give answers that are assertive                                    respect others limits
• accept some conflict in relationships                             listen to honest feedback
• set limits                                                                            pay attention to others ideas
• get a spine, stick up for yourself                                    stop using anger to control others
• don't just keep the peace                                                accept ambiguity
• accept gray areas of interaction                                     accept gray areas of interaction
• change is good, growth too                                              change is good, growth too
• be loving and good to yourself                                        be generous and loving to others.

Summing up the above list, it becomes obvious that people who are the boundary violators rule the roost with fear, intimidation or inducing guilt in their relationships. People who are compliant and have weak boundaries tend to be fearful, insecure and seemingly unable to stand up for themselves. This is where the gut comes in handy: if it feels uncomfortable pay attention to your body.  If you feel fearful remember that there is no fear in a loving relationship. Remember too love diverts fear and encourages calm, tender emotions. If the person that you love is constantly invoking fear, and making you feel guilty, remember there is a simple solution to this complex problem: tell them to knock it off or you'll leave.

Here's some good sentences that you can use on people that are trying to control you with fear, intimidation or guilt: 

• I'm sorry you feel that way
• I have a different opinion 
• let me clarify my position
• I choose not to live that way
• You know how I feel about your anger
• Call me when you've calmed down
• If this is a tug of war, I'm dropping the rope
• I accept this is difficult for you but this is not OK with me
• I'm leaving now, call when you can talk rationally about this

I've dealt with so many couples where the extremes of boundaries underlies their issues. Because of my personality, I like to use humor, whenever respectful and possible, to lighten up tense situations. This interaction often works."How old do you feel when you're cringing in that chair? How old do you feel when you are puffing out your chest?"  Both parties end up laughing at the absurdity of their behavior which, if you examine it, is mostly childish. 

Back to those dogs I wrote about at the beginning of this post. Is there any hope for them [or the children who have been abused and mistreated]? The answer is a definitive yes. 

Long ago I read a study by Martin Seligman, et.al in which they purposefully induced neurosis in dogs trying to prove their theory that helplessness can be taught. They had these poor dogs in a cage, on a metal grid and would intermittently shock them until the dogs became shambling, shaking, pathetic creatures laying down in the bottom of the cages awaiting the next shock. Horrible!

Happily for the dogs these scientists were kind human beings who felt it wasn't right to leave them in this state. After the experiment concluded---which proved that intermittent shocks, like  many rough blows in life, could indeed induce "learned helplessness"---they decided to see if they could reverse the curse. Here's what they did.  They used sausages as rewards and they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages." And that's how change is born, with rewards either external or internal. 

People who are raised in those extremely poor environments can and do recover every day. It takes diligence, discipline and a good dose of support from loved ones including a professional. They can learn to either shore up their boundaries or become more tolerant and flexible. Reverse the curse, get out of the cage and live a life with less fear, that is more rewarding with better boundaries.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Be True to Yourself: On Boundaries

I can offer lots of advice, good advice.  Advice that's been passed down from generation to generation and never been used.                           Bob Monkhouse

I'm talking to the local Hospice group on October 26th about "The Importance of Boundaries in Our Lives" which is such a big subject I needed to narrow it down---ah, put some boundaries around it. So I decided to speak about personal boundaries. To put it simply--where I end and you begin.

Boundaries define us, it's the 'what's me and what's not me' of a person. Actually it isn't quite so black and white-- because in life, as in our relationships, there's a lot of gray areas that tend to rear their heads and shout, "hey, what about...". Humans, not being robots, can radically alter their opinions with a life changing event. For example, many people believe they could only love a child with their own DNA. Then it happens: they discover pregnancy is not an option. Many find out that an adopted child brings joy and deep love into the family's life. In other words, people grow and change with experiences. Change can be life altering and positive. In counseling I always tried to encourage flexibility and exploring other ideas, solutions and options. This leaves room for an open mind, 'what's not [like] me' can change. Because this change can bring great joy, it behooves all of us to be open to change, to stay flexible, accept responsibility for ourselves, our feelings and our actions.

The most common ways that people think of boundaries in relationships are physical and emotional. The easiest to describe are the bad examples, when physical boundaries are violated. This includes sexual or physical abuse; people who stand too close or  attempt to hug you when you really don't want to be touched by them. Then there's the opposite: the 'distance-rs'  the people who never let you come closer or hug them or touch them even though they're your good friends, or the ones who purposefully choose to ignore you in an insensitive manner. These are the obvious boundary violations that most everyone has experienced. [The exceptions are different cultures where there are different standards on physical and emotional boundaries, I'll leave that for another post.]

However, there are more subtle personal boundary violations that we, due to fear, let slide. These are the ones that are felt and carried out, yet may not be recognized by ourselves, our family or closest friends. They include:

• pretending to agree when you don't
• concealing your true feelings, saying "I'm OK" when you're really hurt or angry.
• going along with friends or family when you don't want to 
• declining to join in due to fear or insecurities
• pushing yourself beyond what is comfortable
• working too hard or too long
• doing too much for others
• saying "yes" when you mean "no" or the opposite
• lack of sleep, impairing your ability to function properly
• ignoring your needs, physical and/or emotional
• not eating or over indulging
• too little time alone or too much time alone
• too little exercise or too much exercise
• withdrawal from friends
• too much or too little leisure time activities
• over using or abusing drugs or alcohol
• using compulsions: eating, sex, gambling, shopping, etc.

Summarizing the above list, it's rather obvious that this describes a person who has little self respect and is unable or unwilling to set limits. Their" internal moral code"* is either weak or being constantly violated and they don't have the tools to correct the problem.

*Internal moral codes are the hallmark of a healthy ego. A perfect example is having self respect and sticking up for yourself and your own moral code, what you believe in.  I'll start with one of my favorites,  the obvious, "love one another" which Jesus, and every other spiritual all- star,  spouts. Everyone knows the feeling of not speaking up when someone cracks an offensive sexist or racist joke. You walk away feeling like a schmuck... and you should! If your moral code includes, "love one another" as does mine, how does a racist/sexist comment figure in that equation? This is a good example of you violating a personal boundary by not sticking up for your own moral code. I'm supposing in that instance, when the offensive remark or joke was cracked, insecurity and fear played into the inability to tell the truth. I have a remedy and a  favorite expression that summarizes what to do in situations like this: 'tell the truth and run'.

Here's a list of responses that can be used when your moral code is sensitized or violated:

• I disagree
• I won't listen to that
• that's offensive to me
• I'm not willing to go along with that
• I choose not to be that kind of person
• stop that
• That hurts
• It's/that's wrong
• that's bad/mean/offensive/insensitive
• have you considered that most of the world is female including your own mother?
• I have a black, Chinese, lesbian, gay, transgender, cousin...
• you sound just like my great grandfather when you say things like that

If your boundaries are too weak it shows that you have a lack of self respect, if they are too rigid it conveys fear of intimacy or change.  The roots of these extremes, either rigid boundaries or weak boundaries, are derived from two sources: childhood experiences and/or innate temperament. There are babies that stiffen if you try to hug and cuddle them and other babies that melt into your arms and want as much cuddling as possible.  That's innate temperament and something that can be worked on with the understand that all people are not created identically. The other extreme is childhood experiences, the worst being sexual, physical and emotional abuse. This leaves the grown child with either a huge amount of fear for every interaction or sadly, they become abusive themselves. 

Healthy boundaries are clear and flourish when we value ourselves our ideas, decisions, feelings, perspectives and wishes. We accept differences in ourselves and others. 

What I see as troubling in the country right now is the unwillingness to be flexible. Witness politics: there is an insistence to conform to extremes, especially with the radical right wing. Aren't they supposed to 'love one another'? The moderates are buckling under, no matter that their opinions might differ. With this kind of rigidity we all suffer. This kind of rigidity, at it's worst, is what leads to wars. Speak up all you moderates! This is the time to have enough self respect to tell the truth.

Tomorrow [or very soon] the ways to resolve the weak or rigid boundaries. 

susanmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

So, I Did It, On to the Next Adventure

I know I'm not between a rock and a hard place, I've opened up a new adventure in my life.

On July 26 of this great year I called the social security office. I was for years hesitant to do so,  it felt like I was playing the "age card" but better sense prevailed. When I got everything squared away and knew that each month money would be coming in, it dawned on me that it was optional that I continue with my counseling practice. Remember I opened for business in our small town in December of 1986. I realize that some of you reading this hadn't been born yet. Also remember that I willingly and enthusiastically have been working at one job or another since I was fourteen years old. I think that's enough time to put in.

Make no mistake, I loved and cherished all of my clients, still do. I often, behind their backs, bragged to anyone who inquired about my clientele "I see fabulous people" and this was absolutely true.  Nonetheless I wanted new adventures and a much need break fretting about other people's dilemmas and problems.

I have had some wonderful and some funny reactions to spreading the news that I am now officially retired. One of my favorite clients said, "I don't think you are allowed to do that," and then she laughed, we both did. I'm still getting calls and e mails and messages on my Facebook page and hence this formal post that I will happily refer you to other good therapists.

Let me just add that I am filled with gratitude for the counseling practice that I created. First of all I've been blessed to work at my hearts desire-- and I might add, one of the most satisfying jobs in the world. Counseling is a humbling, rewarding, inspiring, fulfilling, fascinating and difficult profession and I relished my time doing it.  Secondly, I so loved [and still do] all of the great people who came to my practice. It has been a deep privilege to work with all of you.

My sister Sally says this blog has been my "senior project" and interestingly, if I dare to think of myself- not as a high school student- but as a senior citizen, indeed it is. This blog wasn't even possible several years ago when I was working full time.  I was devoting hours to reading everything I could get my hands on and going to workshops to advance my knowledge of whatever the clients were bringing to me. It took working in a partially retired mode for me to open up this window for writing and I really enjoy it. The hours fly by and it's a rich and a rewarding experience. I intend to keep giving away all of my best thoughts, ideas, therapy tips and stories to anyone who wants them. Such a deal!

 I'm here in our small town and feeling fine. By the way, today is the one year anniversary of my hip surgery and the liberation and gratitude that I feel about being able to walk without pain is a bonus and wonderful. I am looking forward to traveling, writing, volunteering and gathering friends and family for extended visits.

My love to all and thank you, thank you.



susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved