Resilience, Flexibility and Commonsense

Inside of the ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.                                 Muhammad Ali 

Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks and courage.                                   Charles Luckman

As you might imagine in my over 40 year history in the field of psychology I've met more than my share of people who came from difficult backgrounds and tough circumstances. Some of them stayed bonded to their old wounds and lived life looking backwards.  Others not only moved on, but thrived in their adult lives. Why? In a word, resiliency.

I am fascinated by resiliency. I find the topic irresistible and even made it a key item in my master's program. I revel in the client who's triumphant over incredible adversity. Like the client, Darla*, who's been successful in everything she touches: Motherhood, business, friends and husband. Darla had to raise her siblings from the age of 11 because her  mother contracted a debilitating form of cancer and was bed ridden. Sadly, her mother lingered for several years then died an agonizing death. The children listened to their mother from the other rooms in their small home.

Somehow, with grit and determination, after her mother died, Darla was able to go to a community college. Then, when her father remarried, she left the house to pursue a University education. Of course there were dark, difficult times. Darla had an incredible need to not feel tied down, understandable from her upbringing. However, she was bright and open to new adventures. When a perfectly delightful man came along she stayed with him and eventually married him despite her dread of commitment. That's when I came on the scene, when she was trying to decide if she should take the plunge into a permanent relationship. I used my multi question method and after she had satisfied all of the questions, she took the plunge and married.

I said, "Darla here are some of the questions that I want you to answer."

1. Does this person make sense to me?
2. Is he my intellectual equal or better?
3. Do we speak freely with one another and agree on most important values?
4. Am I attracted to him, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
5. Does he make me laugh?
6. Do I feel safe and comfortable with him?
7. Would I trust him with a child?
8. Do I admire him?
9. Do my family and friends have the same good response to him?
10. What are my hunches about a future with him?
11. Is this the kind of person who can be a friend, go to bat for me, be someone who has my back?
12. Do I feel as passionate about him as he is about me?

In other words, the questions ask, what does not only my head, but my heart and my guts say about this person. If all three are in alignment, voila, you have a good chance for a life partner barring any gross fabrications. Darla had to be willing to give up her fear of commitment and let her commonsense about relationships aid her in her choice of a future husband.

The very good look of determination and resiliency.

I have found that the people who not only follow their heart but also pay attention to their head and guts do the best out in the wide world. They learn somehow to trust themselves. If they didn't get a boost at their home as children they did from other angels in their lives: grandparents, teachers, neighbors or relatives. The most resilient had the best breaks with loving siblings, teachers or relatives and really excellent capacities for flexibility---whatever life threw at them they'd grab it and deal.

Reach for the light in life

*a compilation of two clients

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Fantasize with Me for an Open-Minded Pope

The Pope has resigned and many of us "recovering Catholics" are cheering the news. Not that the Cardinals will elect anyone who is remotely open-minded or liberal, God forbid, but there is at least a chance. The reason that I have a seemingly ridiculous hope for a more liberal Pope is because I lived through the era when Pope John the XXIII [Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli] came to the throne and revolutionized the stodgy old, conservative church. He shook it up good.

Angelo Roncalli himself was surprised at being elected Pope. As a matter of fact he had a round trip ticket back to Venice--- that's how sure he was that he had no chance. Luckily for all of us he was elected in 10/28/1958 at the age of 77.

Due to his age, he was not expected to last long in his role as Pope, rather he was elected as a stop gap measure. Had anyone reviewed his record as a humanitarian I seriously doubt that they would have even temporarily elected him. But, interestingly, no one foresaw how he would become beloved in the entire world for his revolutionary ideas, his kindness and open-mindedness. 

John XXIII called the Second Vatican Council, something that had not been attempted for ninety years. Many good, forward changes came out of that Council, updating the church. It's amusing to me that the Church wouldn't have recognized that he was a fearless activist for human rights. The hierarchy of Catholic church tends to be against most human rights, and even today is apoplectic over the nuns helping the poor of the world, people choosing who they can marry, women as equals to men, and women's right to choose family planning. The current Pope was part of the Nazi's youth program which is ironic because John XXIII formally apologized to the Jews for the church's despicable behavior leading up to and after WWII. He said,

"We are conscious today that many, many centuries of blindness have cloaked our eyes so that we can no longer see the beauty of Thy chosen people nor recognise in their faces the features of our privileged brethren. We realize that the mark of Cain stands upon our foreheads. Across the centuries our brother Abel has lain in blood which we drew, or shed tears we caused by forgetting Thy love. Forgive us for the curse we falsely attached to their name as Jews. Forgive us for crucifying Thee a second time in their flesh. For we know what we did."

Out of Wikipedia I copied a few of the heroics of John XXIII did to save not only the Jews but others persecuted by the Nazis starting in 1935.

"As nuncio, Roncalli made various efforts during the Holocaust to save refugees, mostly Jewish people, from the Nazis. Among his efforts were:

• Jewish refugees who arrived in Istanbul and were assisted in going on to Palestine or other destinations
• Slovakian children managed to leave the country due to his interventions.
• Jewish refugees whose names were included on a list submitted by Rabbi Markus of Istanbul to Nuncio Roncalli.
• Jews held at Jasenovac concentration camp, near Stara Gradiška, were liberated as a result of his intervention.
• Bulgarian Jews who left Bulgaria, a result of his request to King Boris of Bulgaria
• Romanian Jews from Transnistria left Romania as a result of his intervention.
• Italian Jews helped by the Vatican as a result of his interventions
• Orphaned children of Transnistria on board a refugee ship that weighed anchor from Constanța to Istanbul, and later arriving in Palestine as a result of his interventions.
• Jews held at the Sered concentration camp who were spared from being deported to German death camps as a result of his intervention
• Hungarian Jews who saved themselves through their conversions to Christianity through the baptismal certificates sent by Nuncio Roncalli to the Hungarian Nuncio, Monsignor Angelo Rota.
• In 1944, during World War II, Pope Pius XII named him Apostolic Nuncio to France. In this capacity he had to negotiate the retirement of bishops who had collaborated with the German occupying power."

We have a church that not only tolerated pedophiles but until they were sued to bankruptcy in several cities, chose to hide these priests so they could abuse again. This is still the church that forbids any form of birth control including the condom. In some third world countries, pious Catholic men and women are having unprotected sex and dying from AIDS. Currently in Africa there are tens of thousands of children orphaned due to this epidemic. How can that be good and holy? Yet who is this church up in arms about? The Girl Scouts and the nuns.

By the way, technically, according to the rules of the church, any Catholic male can be Pope !  True, it's never happened before, usually only the Italian hierarchy, but my husband, Mr. G is busy dusting off his resume. Ah, men...

Is There Any Hope for the Pope?

Ah, the Pope he wears a dress-
says he'll excommunicate
any fag who's in drag
for in his position
it's competition
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the pope he lives alone-
peons serve him on a plate,
condemns all women from his throne,
for to him it's chillin'
if any woman is willin'
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope who lives alone-
has no women near his throne
so no female can ever bother
this very holey father
says it's Mary he adores
[though we've heard this all before]
and he's attempting to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope he's never married,
disgusting thing to procreate,
children, babies make him harried,
though he needs them for his coffers
since there are no other offers
to get all the gold he can hold
and you're learning his true feelings.
Susan R. Grout               1995

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

A Manner of Healing

Prior to the operation I was leaning to one side and favoring my right leg.

After my total hip replacement operation in September,  I wanted to be on the fast track to healing so I could again partake in the things I love: hiking, biking, swimming and dancing. At first I would say to anyone who'd listen, "I just want to be able to walk". This particularly made sense to the people who saw me prior to surgery  and witnessed me dragging my leg behind me. Ouch in more ways than one. However, after surgery and being human, as soon as I masterred walking again I quickly added, "I'd like to hike three miles pain free, no props." Now in addition to walking, hiking, and swimming my new goal is yoga and dancing. Never satisfied or reaching for a new goal? I can't decide if this is striving and worthwhile or dissatifaction and forgetting to be grateful for the newly appreciated pain free pleasures in my life. At least I'm not adding marathons to my list.

Competition

By nature I am a competitive person. I really didn't believe I was until I entered a "fun run" in our town many years ago. Mind you when I entered this race, I didn't jog at all and I ran hardly ever but that didn't stop me from entering. When I started I internally declared "I'll have fun and take it easy." My then eight and ten year old sons were in the same race and I didn't expect to keep up with them and that was fine by me. I was so proud of my boys and wanted them to do well, as for me it was to be 'que sera sera'. Except that wasn't true. When older or heavier people passed me by I felt compelled to surpass their efforts. You do realize how absurd this was, I hadn't trained for five minutes for this race. Well, I finished the race in a not too embarrassing time. Lordy did I ever pay for it! I couldn't walk for several days and was miserable trying to get to sleep at night. By God, I showed those older, fatter people a thing or two didn't I? I bet they really cared. My family made fun of me forever ---as well they should.







 This above story brings me to my recovery from the hip surgery. Intellectually I got the concept that I should be reasonable and go at my own pace. Did I? No. It didn't help that people who'd had the surgery years before told me they were walking unaided by canes or walkers after only a couple of weeks. I kept asking myself, "why is my recovery so much slower than theirs?" If I'm being completely honest, it did bother me greatly. I asked my physical therapist about this and she said, "they probably don't accurately remember their recovery..." The only thing I could compare this to was child birth. No one would have a baby two or three weeks after giving birth and happily this is not biologically possible. But a year after the baby is born, the old hormones kick in and you've forgotten the pain because you have this great product. So I think it's the same with the recovery from surgery. You forget the nights that you suffered because you did too much during the day [me anyway], the muscles screaming at you right after the surgery, the difficulty of moving without pain. Now that I can walk, hike, swim I keep reaching for the next level. I am trying my best to be sensible and mostly I am but at least a once a week I push too vigorously and pay for it at night. OW!



A very important part in my recovery was the support of wonderful people and a special feline.





How wonderful it is to be on the other side of healing from my operation in September. A surprise bonus was that I [with sisters Sally and Trisha and husband Mr. G] went to Kauai and each day did lots of swimming and snorkeling in warm water. The advantage: it jet propelled my healing. Prior to Kauai I was walking with a cane or trekking poles for long walks and now I don't need these props. The freedom is remarkable and not anything I will ever again take for granted in my life. To all of you who struggle on a daily basis with walking, and with pain, my heart goes out to you. Don't do as I do and over exert, "be loving and diligent" as St. Augustine said and then you can do whatever you want.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Extraordinary Inspiration from the Ordinary

You've probably had an experience where you expect nothing special and something extraordinary occurs. Consider this. My darling sister and I were traveling together and she suggested that we could get mani/pedis in a small town 15 miles from where we were staying for a good price. Any of you who know me know that this is not something I would ordinarily think of, but what the hey, I was on vacation so I said, "let's do it."

We set out talking excitedly about all the wonderful things we had done on our trip to Kauai, the miles flew by and soon we were at our destination a very unremarkable looking nail salon. We plopped down in the lush massage chairs and punched the setting on the chair which made us look like we were doing a seated rhumba. I got assigned a rather severe looking woman who spoke very little English but was proficient if rather bored with her job. As she was doing a competent but uninspired massage to my toes, ankles and feet I glanced over at the man who was working on my sister. He was a perfect 3/4th scale model of a Buddhist monk. Clean-shaven with a sweet face and a very deferential manner---"K" was, by contrast, totally immersed in his work. He reverently touched my sister's leg. With his head bowed he loving and professionally embraced her foot starting his job. With each massage, he used a devotion usually reserved for newborns. T glanced at me in surprise then melted into her chair, closed her eyes and allowed the generosity of his spirit to fill the room. He slathered her with various potions, scrubbed her feet with brushes, rubbed and filed each toenail with exactitude. Each act was done in a way one expects of a Catholic priest at the Good Friday foot washing ceremony. I watched in awe, knowing how important and how justly deserving this was to T.

Next we moved to the hand area and again my efficient nail technician did a very dutiful job of applying the oils, massaging my hands and painting my nails. All the while in the next seat sat my sister, and K was applying tenderness and caring in each expert stroke. Then they were deep in conversation.  I couldn't hear what they were saying but at one point, T said something and K's eyes began to blink rapidly and he excused himself and went into the lounge to collect himself. I couldn't imagine what had transpired and I looked over at her and she mouthed, "I'll tell you later."

Soon K came back and resumed his attention to T and their tete a tete. I meanwhile was finished with the mani/pedi and put out to dry under the lights. T came a bit later and we left for our drive back to the condo.

I said, "first of all, what a tremendous job he did on you, I was truly impressed!"
T said, "I feel like I've had a spiritual experience. I was hoping you weren't too envious but then I decided to just go with it."
I said, "I so admired his devotion and seriousness and how he approached each task."
T said, "you don't know the half of it. He is an artist."
Then I asked, "what happened in there?"
T answered, "He has only been in Kauai for ten days and this is his second day on the job. He's from Vietnam and when I heard this something prompted me to say: 'my mother traveled there and said it was such a beautiful country."
K said, "It is though not everyone feels that way and thank you for saying so."
Then T continued "I am so deeply sorry for what my country did to your country. And that's when K's eyes filled with tears and he had to leave the room. He came back and said,
K-"I've never had this reaction before."

We drove for miles in silence, each of us pondering the profound experience T had--- in a nail salon of all places. The world can be rich, deep, moving, reverent and meaningful even in mundane circumstances. What moves the world is connection and caring and in an ordinary nail salon on a Thursday in Kauai we found it that day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved