Small Town Therapist on Duct Tape Therapy

Duct Tape Fixes Everything

Olive oil is the duct tape of cooking
Openness is the duct tape of learning
Tradition is the duct tape of religion
Insight is the duct tape of therapy                        

                                                                                               Flexibility is the duct tape of cooperation

Fearlessness is the duct tape of skiing
Fluidity is the duct tape of ballet
Logic is the duct tape of debate
Compost is the duct tape of gardening
Style is the duct tape of writing
Timing is the duct tape of comedy
Communication is the duct tape of peace
Harmony is the duct tape of marriage
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship
Love is the duct tape of relationship

                              Surprise is the duct tape of humor 

                  and                                                                              You are the duct tape of me.                                     Susan R. Grout 

I got to thinking one day on how often and why for a variety of reasons, I use duct tape and this lead to the poem. What holds us together in relationships is so multifaceted. Clearly the common denominator of what holds the world together is love, all we need is love. Sound familiar?

In my long marriage I have learned some things the hard way, repeatedly making the same mistakes with overwhelming frustration and seemingly no way to resolve the situation. Example being, I'm a chronically on time person. My husband is someone who gets where he's going at the last possible second. Here is what has not worked to hurry him up: drumming my fingers, pacing, nagging, scowling, and preaching. In fact the only thing that has worked is for me to take my own car if I feel frustrated. That's the "S. Grout method". However, for 20 years he worked in another city and came home only on the weekends. Miraculously he managed to make it home having only missed the ferry a couple of times in 20 years. What was remarkable I wasn't there with my superior wisdom and finger drumming techniques to hurry him along. He did it all by himself. Hmm, I wonder if all the pacing and nagging might have been ineffective?

I'm constantly examining what does work in relationships other than love and harmony.
I find it's far easier is to list what doesn't work: selfishness, rudeness, unkindness, disinterest, disdain, contempt, criticism, childishness, intolerance, dishonesty, addictions and deceit. Of course, this is just a partial list there are numerous other road blocks to love and harmony in a relationship. So, by contrast here is the positive list: love, respect, trust, communication, cooperation, humor, maturity, kindness, curiosity, willingness, diligence, honesty and straight forwardness. Simple right?

I find that it's so easy to be calm and a pleasing, nice person when things are going well in a marriage. The positive list springs forth and all is well. Ah, but when difficulties come up, the apple cart gets upset---look out for those falling apples. This has happened, on more than one occasion in the past, when Mr. G and I were hopelessly lost in unfamiliar cities. Tension leapt out of both of us and sadly, we started to decline in age [by decades] and took to yelling and blaming each other as preteens are apt to do. "It's your fault that we are on this dead end road" "You're the one who told me to turn too late!" Ad nauseum.

Communication is the duct tape of peace

 We got the chance to showcase our maturity and progress.  this same situation, getting hopelessly lost, happened on a trip to see the grandchildren. We were supposed to drop our grandson off at a friend's house in the city for a party. Seemingly this was very easy-- until we missed the a quick turn off that I failed point out [I was the navigator]. We found ourselves on one of those highways with an uncrossable median and no way to recover our error for miles. Yikes. To our credit we didn't yell at each other in deference to the children in the car. Also with the miracle of  cell phones we were rescued via speaker phone by the mom at home awaiting our destination with instructions for an alternate route. She was incredibly understanding about our error and very gracious and helpful to us. We looked at each other, after we dropped off the grandson and were much chagrined. There and then we vowed next time to study the map prior to take off for parts unknown. The good news is we were civil to each other, the better news is many years ago this would have been a yell fest and we have matured! About time.

Insight is the duct tape of therapy

My own insights in the past have been rather short lived, I clearly hope that my clients fare better. Though I still tend to make the same mistakes over and over again [did I point out that I am rather impatient?] the agony time is shorter and shorter as I age. "Oops", I say internally and quickly go about rectifying the situation and set about to have a good time, a primary goal in my life.

Flexibility is the duct tape of cooperation

After we finally found our destination for our grandson, our son had urged us to take our granddaughter to a park to play. That way we could wait until we had to pick up our grandson after the party. Well and good. However, have any of you tried to find a parking place on a sunny Sunday near a children's park in a big city? What fun! Sometimes you can get lucky but clearly this was not our day for that and we drove from one car jammed street to the next trying to find one tiny space for our rental car. Finally after 15 minutes of this fruitless endeavor we looked at each other and said, "how about the beach?" Our granddaughter wasn't thrilled but a very good sport especially after we bought her a chocolate croissant and 'Annie's Cheddar Bunnies' [both!] down by the shore. We ended up having a very pleasant afternoon and the final bribe of hot chocolate clinched the deal. A very fine afternoon indeed. Roll with the punches my friend. Not only does duct tape fix everything but also bribery and treats do as well.

:

Timing is the duct tape of comedy
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship

On Perfecting Silliness

Some of my family fooling around.

What happened? I thought they turned you into a newt?
I got better.                                             Monty Python

Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
I'm not dead yet. Boof!

You will be...                                  Monty Python

Every sperm is sacred.                            Monty Python

In the state of Mississippi some believe, that every sperm is practically a person. It was on their ballot. If the thought was not so horrifying for all womanhood, this is to me, the height of silliness. Fortunately Monty Python beat them to the punch with their song, "Every sperm is sacred" and also fortunately the state of Ol' Miss has many rational and intelligent people. The ballot got roundly defeated.

One of the perks of my job is that I get to hear about people's stories and lives. True, everyone has their trials and tribulations and tragedies but often over looked and under appreciated are the screamingly funny situations that happen in most of their lives. That is precisely why I insist that all my clients, each day, find something that is amusing and that each day they be aware that funny/silly things are happening all around.

I really try to talk up silliness as an important addition to any relationship. My family is inordinately close and one of our bonds is the humor we have when together. An example being we just were in Kansas City for a wedding of one of my nieces. MY brother was looking for "the best barbeque in Kansas City" which struck all of us as the perfect quest. So when he asked around and three unrelated people said "Gates" we headed out for the restaurant. When I looked up at the menu and saw "Slab of Ribs", I knew exactly what I wanted. I coaxed my husband, "let's do it!" He shook his head, "that's too much food". I didn't whine but he said, "what the hell" and we got the ribs. They were fabulous and incredibly filling. After I ate approximately one third, he looked down and there was one juicy rib left. He said, "someone tell me to not eat that rib." Spontaneously we all yelled, "Go! Go! Go!" and he finished the rib to our chants. How we laughed. At the wedding in the spirit of silliness my niece and her now husband had rented a photo booth that shoots out the column of four little black and white pictures. The best was my son who kept a straight face and was in a different costume for each shot. When we complimented him he said, "it was hard work." Mr. G and I had so much fun we did it twice, once making faces and kissing and once with costumes.

Speaking of kissing, one of the most under reported sexual allures is the ability to make a partner laugh. It is a huge leg up [no pun intended] for the attraction to a mate and it definitely increases interest in the would be wooer. Speaking personally, Mr. G would never have so quickly won my hand without his ability to make me laugh. The above picture raises silliness to an art form, literally. Here are Mr. G and brother Bob fooling around a sculpture of a giant spider in front of a contemporary art museum. Made me laugh. Aren't they amusing?

I believe that sentiment, increasing daily hilarity in a partner, is hailed by many a woman as an important plus. And since we are the only mammals that can exhibit wit, to my way of thinking, it is an enhanced form of courtship. Admittedly, monkeys, baboons, hyenas can laugh but only when tickled, not from a situation or an expression. I don't think that baboons and monkeys make their partners laugh prior to coupling.

One of the happiest forms of silliness is games. I can hear an audible groan from all the sports fans, but trust me, these honestly are silly games even if they are called Superbowl's, or the World Series [which we refer to in our house as the World Serious]. Money aside it is a form of play and in adults, a form of silliness.

I love some games and loathe others. Don't we all? I will walk, or cross country ski miles to be with friends for a game of Scrabble even in the dead of winter.  I delight in Banana grams, Mexican Train and charades. We are actively trying to pass along this past time to our grandchildren and so far successfully. It's fun and it's silly and, if not too competitive, a relaxing good way to be with each other.

Another good use of silliness is watching other's foibles on YouTube. I spent an entire evening watching videos people had taken of  their dogs that can "talk". Most of them "said" things like "I love you" which sounded a lot like whining but my, oh my was it funny. I discovered this several days after I saw my Mom for what I knew would be the last time in my life and needed a little pick me up. Silliness to the rescue. Also, Will Ferrel has a very funny and very silly video on UTube with his two year old daughter Grace playing the part of his landlady. So, little kids, dogs and cats, puppies and kittens provide endless entertainment, especially if you are sad, lonely, grieving or plain bored.

What this all comes down to is my observation from the previous post that with depression there is very little levity. So it begs the question, can we coax levity? A definite yes. Always? No, but what the hey, give silliness a try. Monty Python works best for me, but then there are the embarrassing favorites like 'The Pineapple Express', 'The Bridesmaids', and less embarrassing 'Young Frankenstein', 'The Producers', 'Raising Arizona' many of the Marx Brothers films. These movies which can shake up your depressed, crabby mood and make you laugh. If that doesn't do the trick read a funny book, call someone who routinely makes you laugh, but act on your funny bone. The only thing you have to lose is the blues.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout  all rights reserved.

Depression, Sausages and Drugs

For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: it might have been.                                             John Greenleaf Whittier 

A sad tale's best for winter...What's gone and what's past help should be past grief.    William Shakespeare                                                             

As simplistic as it sounds, I am in the business of making people happier. No one walks by my or any other counselor’s office and says, “Hey, it’s a nice day, think I’ll go in for counseling.” Clients come in because they’re carrying around problems that need discussing, if not always solving.

Long ago, I read a pivotal study by Dr. Martin Seligman that positively influenced me. In the 1980’s his group of scientists performed an unkind experiment with dogs on “learned helplessness.” They  constructed a huge cage with an electrified  metal floor and shocked the dogs randomly until they just gave up, lay down in their cages and awaited the next jolt. They had induced despair. The story could have ended there, with a pack of highly neurotic dogs. However, these were scientists who had hearts as well as brains and they decided to see if they could help these dogs recover.

So, using sausages as rewards, they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think  perhaps I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages."

The drug companies would have you believe that only with their particular drug can you recover from depression. Pharmacology does have its place in psychotherapy, but significantly less than the drug companies would have you believe. The truth about antidepressants is that, in controlled studies, placebos did almost as well. [Turner et al, University of Oregon Health and Science 2006 and a 2005 article in Scientific American]. Pharmaceuticals is a multi-billion dollar industry and the last thing they want you to know is that there is a more natural route to recovery from depression that is nearly and perhaps more effective as taking their drugs.  

[Caution: If you are currently taking an antidepressant and want to stop, do not cease taking your medication. Talk to your doctor about withdrawing slowly.]  

The alternatives and, in my opinion, superior routes to happiness consists of simple things. You may have heard this over and over again but it bears repeating.

1. Do follow a healthy, nutritious diet, be modest in your portions and don't over eat.
2. Do at least 30 minutes of  exercise regularly (that means most days), which can be as simple as walking or yoga.
3. Do have several good supportive friends in addition to family members.
4. Do become aware and mindful in your life.
5. Do seeking counseling when troubled.
6. Do make sure you are amused and or laughing every day and share that with someone. 
7. Do remember that life can surprise you and be eager to have more good times in your life, even if you are going through a rough patch.
8. Do plan a trip even if it is to another neighborhood for the afternoon, but move the body away from staying house bound.
9. Do go beyond yourself and help a neighbor, call a friend in need, volunteer.
10. Do sit and let all of the sadness that is in you rise up and just watch it, don't judge it, allow it to be--- then get up and do something silly.

I realize that there are those who have done all of the above and still are depressed.I also realize that if you are grieving it is appropriate to be depressed but if it goes on and on it can become "complicated bereavement", turning into protracted depression.

One woman I saw awhile ago was diligent about this non-drug approach and she still was not able to escape her cage. In her case antidepressants was a necessary adjunct. Since numerous studies have shown that psychotherapy coupled with antidepressants greatly enhances recovery from depression, she was able to recover with the two. 

In our small town the Doctors are quite progressive and know that this is the case and frequently refer depressed patients to counselors. Sadly,  the coupling antidepressants with counseling seems not to be well understood in most of the country. Is it because the Doctors are ill informed? Is it because they fear that they would be insulting their patients? Is it that people are embarrassed to seek professional help? Maybe all of the above but something has got to change, it is ridiculous that so many people are needlessly on antidepressants.

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.  Robert Frost

Funny but true, most of us can’t make our own sausages so we turn to the butcher. Rewards, like sausages to a dog, can work for us whether it is a good meal, a hot bath, a good cry with a friend, a movie, candy, a trip, rewards can work.

Sometimes people just need a little tug on their collar in order to view their life in a new way and to get a reward. Counseling can provide that tug on the collar and open up a whole wide world of rewards.

Tomorrow: Effective silliness that cures most

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout  all rights reserved.

Letting Go of the Guilt Machine

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.             Woody Allen

To err is human but it feels divine.                                             Mae West

There is this thing about guilt. It's contradictory. It's very necessary, and very unnecessary, very heavy, and very essential to our  humanness. The biggest trouble with guilt is it's repetitiveness, it has the capability to be unrelenting and unproductive. This can change! [Doesn't this almost sound like I'm in the advertising business: Get Productive and Guilt Free in only Five Easy Lessons!]  I believe when we feel an excessive amount of guilt it can be used effectively and ultimately lessened.

Here are the ten easy steps to lessening the guilt you feel:

1. Sit down [or pace the floor] and come up with what you feel  most guilty about. Be clever, be witty, be depressed, but by all means be honest.
2. Write down what you are guilty about.
3. Sit still [or pace again] and let yourself contemplate your missteps, carelessness, inadvertent sins or purposeful egregious acts.
4. Stay with these wretched thoughts for at least five minutes.
5. As you are thinking write down possible solutions to resolving or absolving the guilt.
6. Make an action plan to ease the burden and make amends when necessary.
7. Be prepared to do the above each day for a week.
8. Put the notebook with the guilt list and solutions away.
9. When your brain tells you that you are guilty, acknowledge it and then concentrate on the actions you've come up with to rectify the situation.
10. Take the action and actively invite the feelings of  release, letting go, as Mae West it can even feel divine.

I'll give you an example of this. Recently, the wife of an old client of mine died a sad and prolonged death. He was at her side and her behest constantly. He is the epitome of the good husband. Yet when I visited him he confessed that he felt wretched for all of the times when he was angry or impatient with her. I'm telling you -he couldn't be more saintly but his thoughts all raced to his imperfections while attending her. I tried to reassure him that for good people like him, with sincerely deep consciences, it's natural to feel guilty. "The brain and body know something is terribly wrong and so in spare moments they will go on a search for things that you feel terrible about and those moments of anger or inattention are bound to pop up." "Well, I did get angry at her sometimes and frustrated about all of the extra work I had to do." "Yes, but she couldn't have had a more caring or devoted husband, remember that." I'm not sure if this lessened his guilt but the explanation about the brain is valid and he did shake his head in recognition and agreement.

He has more of a conscious than Mr. Cheney

The opposite of this is the poor unfortunates who rarely ever have a guilty feeling. Our own Dick Cheney comes immediately to mind. This is a man who not only justified an unnecessary war but also made billions of dollars in profit from this war. He not only does not feel guilty for all that should be on his conscience, but he justifies his actions in a book, thereby profiting again for his sins. This is the height of self serving and is reprehensible. My cat has more of a conscience than Cheney. People like Dick Cheney are the people who tend to be narcissistic, "if it's good for me it must be good." They go on their merry way hurting others in their path [and some are unfortunately children] and never feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Most of us have encountered this in our lives, these people do not make good friends, lovers, neighbors or citizens. In my humble opinion he should be charged with his crimes against humanity and have to pay back all of the profits or at least give the money to the ones who have been harmed by that war. To my count there are hundreds of thousands.

Give me the good men and women with a conscience, the ones who are caring and loving and good citizens to boot, they are going to have moments when they feel guilty. My wish is that they put the guilt to good use and change the situation into something meaningful.

I hope that there is karma, or an after life or some other form of justice that will hold the warmongers, the rapists, the abusers accountable. To focus on all of the injustice and not do anything about it, well, it makes me feel guilty. Hence I write these blogs, I write letters in protest, I vote against the selfish and the greedy. I hope that you do too.

The world needs more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant

If I were Queen, I say humbly, I would order all of the actually guilty people to do penance, in public. I would order public works like care taking wounded soldiers, rehabilitation paid for by the abusers, have the monies restored by the bankers who stole from us all and then gave themselves bonuses, etc. See, if you follow logical consequences it could all go so well. The Queen has spoken, long live the Queen.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Misbehaving with Recipes and Life

Some say the world will end in fire
Some say in ice
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire            Robert Frost

I've been asked on many occasions if I would consent to give a recipe, principally of desserts that I've made for pot lucks. Though flattered, I have a standard reply: "sure, with this caveat: I rarely follow a recipe exactly. I use them as jumping off points and tend to improvise like a jazz scat singer."  Well, perhaps that is an over exaggeration but having given precisely written out recipes to people I've found that the results so vary from what they tasted of mine, that I can't help but think there is one missing ingredient: me.

An excellent cook, Jonathan

I don't like to cook, I love to cook. My desire is to makes something not only delicious but also a bit surprising. I love to throw in an ingredient that has people tasting and puzzling and tasting again. The brave ones always ask, "what makes this so unusual?" And depending on the audience I will reply with the truth or say something ridiculous like "toothpaste!" Amuses the hell out of me to watch their expressions.

I carry this over to my counseling. I can't recount all of the times that I've gone to a workshop, supposedly with a shiny new technique for the psychotherapist, and thought, "Humm, interesting technique, I do that but with my own twist." I realize that must be extremely frustrating for the junior clinician who "just wants the facts ma'am" but the truth is psychotherapy is a lot like cooking. I don't like it, I love it. I know that working with people there is always that third ingredient that makes a huge difference in the outcome. Some of this has to do with my experience and all of the 40 years of studying and trying to create the best possible outcomes for my clients. But there is that 'other' factor, an alchemical blend of respect and love that propels the client, and me forward to reach some times just satisfactory and other times fantastic conclusions.

One of my favorite examples of this was a woman I saw many years ago who had several family members killed in a bizarre accident. Her grief was, as you can imagine, enormous. She needed a way to cope so she could concentrate and do her job. I did all of the usual acceptable techniques to hurry up the grief process and then I turned to her and said, "I think we need some kind of a ceremony." That next week, she brought in the most profound poem about her burning desire to see justice done for her dead relatives. As she read the poem, I was teary and happened to looked up over her head, out the window to see first a murder of crows and then a convocation  of eagles fly by the window. I stopped her and said, "You've got to see this" and we watched in awe as they gracefully circled back by the windows again. This is the alchemical, the something you can't teach in a workshop but such a powerful ingredient in her recovery it left us both speechless.

I have so many tips and recipes to share but I am best sparked by other's requests so just like with clients who come in and want changes in their lives, what would you like? Could it be a change or a recipe? Feel free to request. I will see what I can do and what happens between us. Let's get fired up, that's how the change happens.

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.