Aging

beauty and grace

There are three things a woman ought to look--straight as a dart, supple as a snake and proud as a tiger lily.                                            Elinor Glyn in the year 1908

What is it to be a woman today? Here is a description I can't get out of my head, "... She should be seen and not heard, as slim as a waif, charming and delightful, never giving a moment's grief, ageless, a wonder, beautiful, graceful, and does anything requested of her." I can't for the life of me remember where I read that quote by a man, but according to some modern magazines this describes an ideal woman. Read that quote again slowly, doesn't this describe a perfect little girl? Yet, this is supposedly the male ideal of the perfect woman. I find this childish and hate it when women fall for this but they do again and again. Sadly it keeps them in a self loathing mode for untold wasted years. Paralyzed, they don't use their voices or speak their opinions.

Little girls in their Easter finest

Here's a small example: I just re-watched "Something's Got to Give" [made in 2003] which was incredibly enjoyable and well written. One thing really bothered me: Diane Keaton then and Diane Keaton now.  In her role as 'Erica', the famous playwright, Diane stood before one and all with her wrinkles and imperfect teeth. She looked lovely and as appropriately aged as any nearly 60 year old woman. However Diane Keaton today is a different story. Look in any woman's magazine she is the rep for L'Oreal's skin products. You'll see why I am disappointed. The Diane Keaton in the photos is almost wrinkle-free with sparkling new teeth. Obviously those teeth have been capped. Is this awful? Well, no but it is disappointing. Had she kept the real wrinkled skin and crooked teeth she, of course, would never have gotten that contract to pose for the advertisements. But, it's not real and is deflating to women who get judged on our wrinkles and imperfect teeth. Until very recent history wrinkles, bad teeth and scars on men were never a source of criticism or even an issue on the male of the acting species.  To wit: Tommy Lee Jones, a terrific, popular actor. There, look at him, I rest my case.

not my regular exercise but fun...

The bigger question is this -- does reverse aging make a person happier? Can I complicate this question by giving a two part answer? My hope for all I love is that they live healthy, comfortable lives. One way to do this is boringly obvious: eat well, sleep 7-8 hours a night, if you drink do so moderately, exercise somewhat vigorously daily, meditate, be loving and generous, be charitable and be a life-long learner. In my humble opinion that will earn you youthful points and keep you feeling younger than your years foretell. I suspect this also increases the happiness quotient because you get to be proud of yourself and feel good to boot. Is this a fool proof plan? No, life has a way of intervening with seemingly fool proof plans, an unexpected illness, a reversal of fortunes and oh yeah, death. 

The second part is this. The clients that I've worked with who've had elective, drastic cosmetic surgeries still have the oodles of problems they had before, they just look better. Looking better externally doesn't guarantee and internal improvement. One woman, Leticia* gave it her all. She had the entire face lift with all the agony that goes with it. She endured the operation and then months of healing. This was entirely voluntary pain. And here's the interesting part, it was my observation that she looked pretty good for a woman in her sixties.  Why did she do this to herself? Leticia said, "I work in a field where everyone is 10 to 15 years my junior and am very self conscious about  my wrinkles". The upshot was complicated: she did look unquestionably younger [which she loved] but Leticia ended up getting a divorce [which she didn't love]. A couple of years later she acquired what eventually turned out to be a terminal cancer. Life intervened. 

My question to all of you, is if you knew that you were going to get cancer and die from it, would you put yourself through all that torture merely to look younger? My Dad used to say, "the undertaker's closets are filled with jogging suits." What I have heard from all of my clients that have had face lifts, burning by laser, etc.-- it all hurts. Should you have to do these procedures for dermatological necessity-- like a cancer preventative--- that is entirely different. That's a matter of health and not vanity.

Exercise has to be fun or it will get dropped

Several other clients in determination to change their lives and their health went for the drastic change of having Bariatric surgery. They had tried and failed at every method and every new diet and were desperate to finally lose weight. Most of these clients were grossly obese and this was a serious health measure that could save their life. What I found most intriguing is only half of the clients were able to keep the weight off. The other half, sadly, found ways to fool the surgery and went right back up to their old weight. So help me, I tried and tried to tell them: "if this surgery is just regarded as a quick fix, the surgery surely will not work." I urged them "to consider that you must dedicate yourself to eating the small portions recommended, rely almost exclusively on nutritious, healthy foods, exercise and keep up the regime for the rest of your life." The ones who took this most seriously did keep the weight off and I revel seeing them around town with the new lives they created without the huge baggage of the old weight.

My own mother was a wise counsel, though not always the most delicate, on the subject of women's aging and accepting aging. Once, when I was a bit older than fifty, I asked her, "Mom, I'm thinking about losing five to seven pounds, what do you think?" She said, "don't bother it will just sag." Another time, around the same era, I said, "Oh, no! I'm getting so many wrinkles." She looked at me and said, "go look in the mirror." I did and came back and said, "okay..." and she said, "it's all down hill from here." Did I laugh? Yes. Have I told that story many times? Yes again.  Did I have a brutally honest mother? Yes again.   

sisters at the Cemetery where we put our mother's ashes

 We launched a bit of Mom's ashes in Hawaii

Here we are in the new year, 2018 and though I make no New Year's resolutions [other than my usual; to play guitar more often and be kinder to everyone], I years ago discovered the joy in doing activities that I love as vigorously as possible. Adore the outdoors.

 I sympathize with the very busy with the jobs and little kids who strive to be healthier, and don't have the energy to exercise. To the ones who can't seem to take care of themselves but take care of everybody else, I wish you well. You are worth carving out a bit of time for yourself. Self care is love. Then take the rewards of self care and go and spread it around. Turn off the machines, cell phones and TV's and you will be amazed at the amount of free time you'll acquire. 

*Leticia is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright all rights reserved Susan R. Grout

What is the Missing Ingredient in Choosing a Mate?

By the work one knows the workman.                                Jean de La Fontaine

Watch his actions not his words.                                      Susan R. Grout 1990 

This year my husband and I are having a big anniversary. How will we celebrate? 

Years ago we stopped giving each other formal gifts, instead buying something we'd found particularly appealing and meant for the other, bought it, gave it. What we do give each other in abundance is love, cuddling, hope, kindness, food for thought, thought for food, jokes, stories, light banter, heavy discussions and oh yes, the occasional argument. More on that.

Because it creeps up on many a young person, it's only later after the third or fourth date with someone they are attracted to that then they may begin to contemplate:what's important in a mate?  At first the pull to another may be fascination, curiosity, physical attraction, admiring their pleasing style or way of living their life, their temperament, their looks, attitudes, laugh, and/or the ability to make you laugh. This is a good start but how do you know that this person could be worthy of a lifetime of regard, attention, love and nurturing? I pulled together a list of what I believe is essential in a successful marriage.

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we would run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. However there is an art to this, please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It is OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html], it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say.

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Best New Years Resolution of All Times

 Our annual Commitment ride
                

THE BEST NEW YEARS RESOLUTION OF ALL TIME

1. My husband will always be attuned to my every wish.
2. My husband will be prompt in executing all of my forthcoming lists  doled out on a daily basis.
3. My husband will cheerfully carry any item that I have on hand no matter the weight.
4.  My husband will be attentive to any whim I have
5.  My husband will listen with rapt attention to any lengthy story that I  tell.

Furthermore I will resolve to make excellent resolutions for anyone who I deem needs my excellent lists of  do's and don't's.

You can count on me. Humor included in each package.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright all rights reserved Susan R. Grout