Sudden Death is a Tsunami

When I think of death it is never about being in shock and yet that is precisely happened on April 28. My darling baby sister Kathleen died of a heart attack at the age of 67 years. 

We got the call from my brother and I screamed at the horrible news. Then I went outside and screamed and cried some more. It wasn't a wave of grief but a tsunami that overwhelmed me and dragged me under. Grief is a heavy weight and merciless in it's invasion of ourselves. 

I figured this post was going to be a mess because I am. How can she be gone? This vibrant, vigorous, lively, beautiful sister who was fierce, funny, intense, talented and...dead.

Kathleen had the kind of high energy, Hummingbird energy, that most people would envy. Kathleen, didn't walk she bounced, she frequently giggled, her conversations were peppered with exclamations and insights. Kathleen was a life long seeker of new methods mostly to promote an inner calm and insight into herself and those she loved. In the last ten years of her life she practiced meditation each day. Kathleen was enthusiastic about music and practiced her guitar most days for a couple of hours. She became a jazz musician of note, lately playing in Memphis with two other musicians. This was thrilling to her and her "Leener and Greener" two performances are on UTube.  Not the least bit shy, one of her abilities was to perform anywhere, Farmer's Market, fund raising events, she'd whip out the guitar for a song and a tune. I'm grateful that we shared that love of jazz standards and we relished playing together. Over the years she played with many different people and loved them all. She recorded one CD with the group "For Healing Purposes Only" called "No Prescription Necessary" and in that CD are several of her excellent songs which shows off her versatility. Although it is wrenching for me to listen to it because I realize that we will never be singing together again, it is beautiful.

Kathleen, me, Chin, Senja, Trisha, Sally at Thanksjuning

I detest the latest fashion that claims people who have died have "passed on". Passed on what? Passed on where? Say it folks, say death, say dead. God knows, we don't know what happens for sure after we die. What I do know, having had a near death experience when I was in my twenties, [https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html] is that I am unafraid most days of my own death. I'm with Maya Angelo feeling unable to let go of ones I love. This is it: the terrible and terrifying pain of losing the ones I love that I greatly fear. 

When I was a practicing psychotherapist I'd tell my clients that this fear was "pregrieving". Well the grief is no longer 'pre' it has arrived, full force. I am filled with sadness and a sorrow so big. 

The following is from a post I wrote about being rich in sisters and today I'd like to focus on Kathleen, our dearest baby sister. [https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2017/04/to-be-rich-in-sisters.html. 

Kathleen and me

Although we only see each other sometimes as infrequently as once a year my talented, sweet little sister Kathleen is a phone call away. We discuss great and grave problems, trade tidbits of information on our families and share what adventures Kathleen and her family are off to next. One year she came with Sally, Trisha and I to guitar camp and she blew the roof off the joint in her student performance. Kathleen choose to play "Afro Blue" by John Coltrane and everyone was stunned by her excellent guitar and singing. I was so proud. In addition Kathleen is an artist of note. My brother in law Steve Grout, professor at a Textiles and Science institute, appraised her work and was so impressed he gave her high praise and encouragement.

Trisha, Sally, me and Kathleen

It was always a good time when we got together and my husband and I loved being with Kathleen and her family and friends. This was an active crowd, always hiking or kayaking or tubing in rivers, a joy to be with them.

One funny get together was months after our Mother died. Our mother died seven [now almost 10...] years ago and her wish was that we scatter her ashes. No problem. "Scatter them around Bob/Dad's grave." Ah, something of a problem, not sure it was quite kosher at the cemetery. So we clandestinely entered the cemetery with our trowels, tiny rakes and the ashes. We dug around Dad's head stone and sneakily spread the ashes. In the photo above we are at the scene of the crime, not exactly skulking through the cemetery where we placed some of Mom's ashes around Dad's tombstone. Shhh! don't tell.  Ah but Mom would have gotten a great kick out of us.


Now, my fantasy is that Kathleen has "gone to heaven in a glass bottom boat" [one of her songs on the above mentioned CD] and is being greeted by Mom, Dad, the Grandparents, her pooches and kitties...It's such a lovely fantasy. I hope she is feeling all the love that is being poured out from down here on earth about Kathleen.

susansmagicfeather 2019 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.