Small Town Therapist on Benevolent Bedside Books

 

One of the not fun thing about menopause was waking in the middle of the night in a sweat and being unable to get back to sleep. I tried all kinds of remedies but without qualification what worked best for me was reading. Sometimes it was foolish to start a particular compelling murder mystery or heaven forbid and action adventure series. I wished I had figured out sooner that the best prescription for when you happen to awake in middle of the night is to read literature is soothing or amusing. 

Now beside my bed are six books that meet that qualification.

1. Brian Doyle's One Long River of Song: superb little essays that can be read over and over again and feel comforting, funny and oh so bright. I treasure his insights and his writing prowess.

2. Ross Gay's Book of Delights  Surely I'm not the only one who was engaged and enchanted by Gay's small stories on what delighted him every day for a year. One of my dictums to my clients [and for myself] is to be aware and amused every day and share that which amuses me. His observations are rich, dear and delightful. 

3. John O'Donohue's Anam Cara  My darling brother in law uses this as his go to book whenever he's needing inspiration of having a hard time. I took Mr. O'Donahue into the bathtub with me during Covid and learned so much and now it's a bedside staple for midnight reading. Soothing and wise.

4. Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice  I cannot even estimate how many times I've read this book, the feeling I get is like being wrapped in a warm blanket and being served tea and biscuits by a very kind and good friend. Intelligent, loving and amusing Jane peppered her trail blazing book with refreshing and  interesting characters. When I read P& P it quickly calms me,  a very important part of relaxing my sometimes overly busy mind.

5. Isak Dineson  Seven Gothic Tales and Out of Africa  Mind you, I haven't re read these two in years but I'm reluctant to part with them to the thrift store in case I might need them as an emergency read. Engaging and brilliantly written and always good qualities in a woman.

6. Niall Williams This is Happiness  I have only read this once but I loved the book so much that I bought several copies in hardback and gave them to my sons. It sits beside my bed awaiting another read.

We both love to read and most of the time have wildly different tastes but concur on Brian Doyle and John O'Donohue.

I urge you to try both and please report back.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Bodies

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must find it within us or we find it not.              Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if God were one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home?                singer: Joan Osborne, composed by Eric Bazillian 

 I had no intention about writing about bodies but we're on vacation at the beach and one of our hobbies is to sit in our beach chairs and stare out at the waves making up stories about the people sauntering on by. The people before us come in every age, shape, color and size from little toddlers to ancient, barely ambulatory, old folks. To us the most fun is watching the new walkers trying to manage the waves and the babies splashing in the water.

It's an opinion of mine that all the humans marching up and down the sandy shore, are universally enjoying the beach.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Happily, 

our running dialogue about the folks is jovial, ridiculous and sometimes even poignant. I'm making an assumption that we, my husband and I, are not immune from the 'observation club'. Generally adults on the beach are fun to observe however what really got me thinking about bodies was all the babies on the beach. All those babies were overwhelmed with joy at the surf and the warm water. They toddled right into to the waves---trying to flee their anxious moms and dads. This sight was so delightful to me and ultimately inspiring. Do you think for even one nanosecond they were thinking about how they looked? Could anything  disrupted the glee of splash, giggle, and then running for them? Do you think for even an instant they were anything less than ecstatic about having their wonderful bodies?  When, oh when, did the joy of having a body turn into something that was a burden.

happy healthy bodies

This thought lead me to remember some of the people in my counseling practice. Time after time, I'd have clients who'd come to counseling convinced that they were truly atrocious looking. Either they had a general self loathing or they were overly obsessed with a particular facial feature or body part. Several of the people actually had "body dysmorphic disorder", which required many counseling sessions. The cause for this ailment is mysterious in some but certainly for most there was criticism, bullying and comparisons in the mix. For some it was obsessive compulsive disorder [OCD] but for most it was the former: criticism and comparisons. They grew up in harsh environments and were teased at school with no one to defend them. 

I most frequently used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT] with these clients but honestly, these clients could not turn the corner with just a few encouraging sessions after years of shame, embarrassment and discomfort. They could definitely be helped to feel more relaxed about their appearance, but cured from a life time of erroneous repulsion took awhile. This recovery from body distortion was accomplished by challenging the repetitive negative thoughts about their bodies or facial features. Wrestling away the negative and embracing a calm, supportive love and understanding of their bodies or facial "flaws" was an uphill battle. 

Here's one of the assignments that I'd give to the client hoping to overcome body loathing: "go to a public place: a mall, a busy city street, a beach, even a church and watch humanity walk on by. Please see all the people, not just the young and attractive ones." Then, when they reported back their observations, usually with interest, they'd report back who they were seeing.  I'd ask, "what percentage of the people passing you by were truly repulsive or maimed or, by contrast, exceedingly glamorous?" We then had rich discussions about the fact that most people looked, well, rather ordinary. Another comment I'd make is "surely you're not the most attractive person that you observed but wouldn't you place yourself in the upper 20% of nice looking people?" They'd stammer for a minute and argue, "no maybe in the top 50%". Definitely an improvement from "I'm repulsive". Try that exercise of just mildly observing, it's fun and educational. 

Included in that shaming category are aging women. The recent pictures of Madonna after her extreme face lift was an example of this body shaming. Do I think it was prudent to have drastic surgery on your perfectly lovely face? Not for me, but Madonna is in the entertainment business and it's expected of her to look young and fresh, especially as a female entertainer. Someone did not give the same memo to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. I know people make fun of them and their wrinkles but frankly it's not the same pointed, vituperative comments that happen to women entertainers like Madonna. 

An interesting fact about women over the age of 50--- most people don't even register mature women on their visual radar. Because I'm well over the age of 50 I'm most likely not a source of much interest, conversation or even attention. Fine by me. 

As a therapist, I for one, am overjoyed at the body positive movement. Obese people have been shamed enough. It's not that they don't realize that they are large, so why shame them at all? And so what if a body is large or different colored or impaired. Let's make a people positive movement. So instead of focusing on all the god figures that are male, how about we see godlike as those gleeful babies? That is the best and most sacred of humanity. Can't hurt, right? Let's all of us be babies on the beach.

My husband and I have our conversations and we notice and appreciate everyone. We are generous about our comments and stories about the people on the beach. Long may they appreciate their imperfect bodies as we try to do the same for ourselves on a daily basis.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapists on Parenting, Grandparenting and Mentoring

Delight is contagious

 No act to kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.         Aesop, the Lion and the Mouse

The best portion of a good person's life, is their little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.                            William Wordsworth

One of the joys of my life has been to raise children and watch them become the wonderful adults that they are today.  I'm including the boys to men that I raised and also the blessed gift of helping to raise additional children: nieces and nephews; grand children and grand nieces too.

No surprise, when raising children, everyone can benefit from the "it takes a village" truism.  I always gratefully embraced my good fortune that I've had access to many dear little ones.  I was lucky to be available to care for many kids. I've relished allowing their parents a break and our activities weren't huge monumental things that we did. No Disney land, or Grand Canyon for example, instead we had more modest adventures like: 

going to the park;

inviting them over for a baking extravaganza;

inviting their families for dinner;

inviting them for sleep overs;

taking long walks;

swimming in ponds;

having beach picnics;

having long talks; 

laughing uproariously;

and always listening, listening, listening. 

I loved every moment of being with the kids. 

To our utter delight our sons got married and soon decided to have families. Their wives had beautiful babies and my husband and I were in a continual state of gratitude. Most thrilling was watching these sons of ours become excellent fathers. Bliss. Double that pleasure was Mr. G and I got to be at their beck and call to help out anytime they needed us to stay with our grands. 

These babies are now all in, or about to go to college. I highly recommend attending to grandchildren because now we have a close relationship with all of them. They are so bright and funny--- but we knew that from the beginning. This was undeniably a privilege and we're so grateful to our sons and daughters in law.

Grands are the best

 Am I suggesting that you run out and mentor a kid via, "Big Brothers and Sisters"? Well if you're able, yes. Your local grade schools or high schools may offer a mentoring program for kids in need of adult attention. I fervently wish there was even half as much attention paid to the abandoned or neglected children in our society as we give to the abandon animals in the shelters. There are so many children who have need of attention, help with the basic needs: food, clothing and shelter. These children could be positively affected by mentoring. So if you do have even a speck of free time, you could fill this niche. 

grands are the best

The payoff to taking a chance on a child? Get ready to have inspiration and belly laughs.  Get ready to resolve arguments, dry tears, possibly change diapers, and read stories. Get ready to have joy and spread joy. My latest volunteering was as Zorro for a Halloween party. I was at he party playing the guitar and serving cider to preschoolers. Hilarious and worth every moment. Are you jealous? You should be.  On the other hand you could be volunteering in this world of children and then you too will have the feeling of joy of giving for the best cause I know of.