Small Town Therapist on Know What You Know

                                                                                                                               We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.                          Will Rogers 

Lately my thoughts are turning to clients that I've worked with in the past that were not successful in letting go of something or someone that was not good, caring or healthy for them. Yes, sometimes it was due to the client having an addiction, or an abusive childhood that left them with an unconscious dictum that tells them "you don't deserve love". I realize these days this dictum would also include people who have been continually lied to--- which is a form of abuse and gaslighting.  

What stimulated these thoughts was my struggle to finish Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. What's personally interesting for me was breaking one of my "rules" in reading this book.  I have to either love or admire the characters, and in WH I neither loved or admired any of the characters. The only characters in WH that were even minimally appealing were the narrators, not the main characters. Despite this I plowed on because I'd just watched the film 'Emily' which was a lovely film about the life of Emily Bronte and I thought I should probably read her only book. 

I started reading the prologue only when I'd read more than half of the book. I didn't  want to be overly influenced or prejudiced by what was happening in the book with the prologue writer's opinion. This writer analyzed the plot, the pacing, the fame and why this book remains popular more than 175 years after it's publication. What really got me questioning the wisdom of some of her analysis was when she posed the questioned "Heathcliff: was he a hero or a villain?"  Gee, let's see, in the book Wuthering Heights , Heathcliff is a man who was the victim of child abuse and neglect. He suffered hard knocks perhaps even living homeless for years on the streets of London. His appearance at age 14 years old is left as a mystery by Bronte. Supposedly brought home to the family [with no explanation] from London by the father of the household. Was he a cousin? An illegitimate son? It's suggested he'd been treated like the children in Oliver Twist, the 1836 novel  by Charles Dickens about the deplorable way the English businessmen treated the children who worked for them. Yes, Dickens should know because Charles Dickens was one of the children abused by that system. Unlike Heathcliff he turned out to be a fine, although not a perfect man, but to his credit a non violent man who had a big family he took care of. So Dickens despite his rotten childhood was more of a hero.

All of this is most probably true for Heathcliff I'm guessing he had a nightmarish childhood.  Was he grateful to his new father and home for rescuing him? Not in the slightest. He wasn't treated all that well and was further taken advantage of. He only connected with the twelve year old Catherine [who most assuredly clapped as he walked by] and he developed an obsessive love for Catherine. Heathcliff was violent, self absorbed, obsessed with revenge and yes, devastatingly handsome. So Heathcliff more of a villain.

Know what you know, see what you see.                            Susan R. Grout

I kept asking myself what makes this fictional character so compelling to some women? They swoon over his description and his nature which included his black, black moods. He had all the hallmarks of being clinically depressed and, because he actually cared for no one but himself, was probably a sociopath. The only reason he cared for Catherine was for what she could give him, clap, clap, clap. So my question to all of you is---what in God's name recommends him to the female readers who fall under his spell? Is the handsome, violent, brooding type someone to desire? I guess so. This is love based on fear.  Even though he's a fictional character some women sadly fall in love with this type of dark bully. As these women clients would pour out their tale of woe, on how difficult it is loving a man who's a sociopath, I'd sigh and try my best to awaken these women. I'd say, "consider or even imagine, living life with someone who is never threatening, and is reliable, loving and caring."  Then I'd add "this is not an easy task in any sense of the word but entirely possible, there are kind loving men out there."

I suddenly realized as I'm writing this I've also had one female client who was basically a female form of Heathcliff.  She would find the kindest, sweetest men and basically steal their hearts and their money. I'd see the remains of the man who'd been lured by her incredible sex appeal [I guess to them] and promises [false] of her care and concern for   them.  All lies. She basically believed her own con. After her third marriage proposal, with her accepting their rings and money and then dumping them, finally the word got around in her small town that she was not to be trusted. Only of of her victims had the temerity to confront her. He told me, 

"I asked her to go for a walk after she broke up with me. As we walked I said to her: remember, I never called you a bitch or a loathsome person or a despicable human being!" She demurely answered, "no you never did."

"Then I left."  He continued, "so I got the to finally say the truth, that she was all of those things. I said, I 'never' but I got to call her all those names, even if she didn't realize it." He made me laugh at his cleverness.

I lost touch with her and wonder if she'd be on husband number five by now. I used to say to my clients both male and female, "know what you know, see what you see" also, "watch their actions not their words." Their actions will tell you all you need to know about them, believe what you see.

Cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, filling it with a steady and perpetual serenity.    Joseph Addison

Thinking about men who are kind and heroes I was remembering my Grandfather. My Grandma used to say, "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man." This was dubious advice to my sisters and me--- which none of us took and in fact, advice she didn't take herself. My grandfather was by no means rich and he was a bit taciturn but did love her and all of us with care and concern. He especially loved my mother who he always called "Lady Jane". Grandma's marriage was somewhat tumultuous, [he'd say "Florence, if I say black--you'd say white"] but they did have a long marriage, mostly happy. My Grandmother's saving grace was she was cheerful and really funny. Cheerful and amusing can make up for a bunch of sins, especially of being argumentative.