To Retire or Not to Retire, That is the Question

 Over the many years of my various careers I never really considered retirement. After all I sat and listened for a living and figured I'd be pretty good at doing that well into my eighties. But people change and so did I. 

Having counseled many people who retired, some successfully and joyfully and others who clearly flunked retirement, I thought I'd write my best thoughts on this subject.

There are obvious givens for retirement that have been hammered away by any financial publication you can put your hands on: you need enough money to do so. It's prudent to not take your social security too early as it will limit the amount you will get each month. Blah, blah, blah. 

I'm not going there with the money issue, I'd rather handle the psychological issues that no one really ever addresses. The people who flunked retirement had some definitive problems and here are some of the difficulties that they brought into my office.

1. They retired without a game plan of what they were going to do in their retirement. They fooled themselves thinking they had to retire because of their age even though they really didn't want to or were properly prepared for retirement.
2. They were fearful to try new things.
3. They'd been pushed into living in a new place and were lonely and missed their old home and friends. 
4. They were overly dependent on their partner or spouse and drove that person to the brink with their neediness.
5. They were depressed and felt useless.
6. They were afraid that they acted too hastily, that the money wasn't going to be enough that they had no clue as what to do next. 
7. Their days loomed ahead with no sign of enjoyment.

This is a fairly depressing list and yet it's not an uncommon one for those who are flunking retirement. So here's a partial list of what needs to be done to snap out of it and reverse the curse.

1. Construct a game plan of things you've always wanted to do but couldn't because you worked. One man took up tennis said, "I clearly stink at it but I enjoy learning to be more physical and it's fun."
2. Brainstorm what in this enormous world you would like to know more about. One dear woman got a course on "Understanding and Learning About Opera" for herself and enlisted a friend to join her. They then, to their great delight, started attending operas regularly.
3. Examine with new eyes if this place you've landed can provide you with some new enjoyment. Make an effort to meet new friends. Give it at least six months then make a decision. One couple moved from a loved community in another state and were pining for their old home and community. We carefully outlined the pros and cons of the move and ultimately they decided to really settle in. Twelve years later I see them as important members of our small community.
4. Bond with a group or organization: a church, library, garden or a bike club or a twelve step program like Al anon or AA. It doesn't much matter what you pick but it's essential to get out of the house and involved with someone other than your spouse.
5. On the issue of feeling useful, I usually prescribed volunteering.  "Find a cause that you care about and see how you can fit into helping them," I said. Again, this big world of ours can use every bit of positive energy people have available.
6. If you are overly concerned about your finances, find a financial planner and talk over the money concerns. One time my own mother was fretting about money [when she really didn't need to] so I suggested "fill your bathtub with a thousand one dollar bills and get in". Long pause on the other end of the phone. I grant you this was kind of mean but she never complained to me about money again. 
7. Those of you who can't stop worrying about the days looming ahead: if in fact you have done all of the above, waited six months and are still moping about being retired look into getting another job and do go back to work. In my experience, I must say, this was mostly the male clients that flunked retirement or the few women who retired too early. 

The reason I do well in retirement [even though I didn't have anything of a game plan, shame on me] was my husband, dear Mr. G, had proceeded me in retirement by more than a year. He says, "it took me some time to get use to retirement... about seven minutes." This is a man who worked hard and diligently, at least sixty hours a week. Also he commuted four hours weekly to come home on the weekends. He typically woke up each day at 6:30 AM, and then it was a non stop and hectic experience being responsible for a large staff. He was so ready for retirement even though he truly loved his job. Now that he is retired he insists that I wake him, preferably with coffee, by 8:30AM.

 So, with Mr. G's example, I had a role model for enjoying retirement.  There a vast many ways a retirement can work and be joyful, here's some of the reason retirement works for me. I have many hobbies. I like community involvement. I have a large family that we visit all over the country. I have many friends to pal around with. I enjoy volunteering. 

Hobbies: I've played guitar for over fifty years and as I used to say, "and I've never improved." I decided I was going to remedy that and took a few lessons and learned jazz chords. Better. Then I went with three of my sisters to guitar camp. It felt marvelous that I was retired and free from the tug of worrying about work. I truly didn't realize how much other people's problems and thoughts occupied my brain until I was retired.

I've always loved to bike and now do so regularly with a nice group of people on Sundays. Now I'm hiking almost daily when the weather is cooperative. 

Mr. G and I are able to travel without regard to my schedule or his and we've taken many trips to see our large, interesting and wonderful family. 

As my dear mother said, "I don't know what I'd do without books." I concur it's a pleasure for many reasons and I can't imagine my life without one, or a thousand, good books. 

Gardening, especially in the spring after a long winter is soothing to my soul. I'm usually singing when I'm in my garden and watching the birds who come by with their curiosity. 

 Oh, yeah, I like to write. Duh. I'm hoping that this blog serves several purposes--- primarily keeping me involved in the world of psychotherapy and helping others which feels useful indeed. Writing engages my mind and the hours in study and thought is good for me. I love blogging and it's delightful to hear from any of you who choose to read and respond. As Sally says, it is my "senior project" and now that I am a "senior citizen" it's just right. This is my right fit for retirement. Hoping that those of you who are considering retirement will find something useful here.

P.S. The book I've written is being edited and might be ready for publication by June.

susansmagicfeather 2024 Susan R. Grout