As the Waves Settle

Trisha, Sally, me and Kathleen

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.

 William Shakespeare

 Stop all the clocks, cut off the  phone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.

silence all the pianos and with muffled drum

bring out the coffin, let the mourners come...

W.H. Auden

When people ask, I reply honestly, "I'm up and down" since the death of my little sister Kathleen who died of a heart attack on April 28th. I live in a small town so this question of "how are you doing" comes up often. I'm over the "I can't believe this happened to one so vibrant" stage and am slowly emerging from the "there must have been something I could have done to save her."

Although I know it will probably return: the guilt stage that can eat your soul alive was present for me for at least a week. It brought about many, many tears and internal recriminations.  I'd think, 'If only I was more attentive, if only I had the words to propel Kathleen to the care of a doctor'. I tried and couldn't get her to accept doctors and modern medicine as important and helpful in living a good life. This is my Super Woman complex---'I can fix just about anyone, give me a try and take notes!' 

What helped a lot was calling my sister Sally, the oldest sibling, and repeating all of the nonsense to her. I realized I was losing my role as big sister and so was she. Another thing that helped me tremendously was my slovenly way of not managing my emails. I promptly went into the 'sent' file and found two old emails I'd written Kathleen when she was at a low ebb. Here's a sample:

"Dearest Kathleen, do remember who you are! Don't dismiss all the good works that you've done by volunteering and by playing music which brings enormous joy... Then there is your art work, wow, I have loved each piece I have. Then, there is the music you have composed, it is marvelous. If we lived closer, I would be on your doorstep with guitar in hand, with food and good books to share."

What I realized from these old emails was not to judge myself too harshly, I was encouraging and attentive. Could I have been more so? Absolutely. Hence, I urge all of you reading this to be generous in your time with those you love. Share you thoughts and encouragements when they are at a low point, reach out to express how much you love them, all the time. 

Right now I am reading old letters that I'd written to my mom and dad from the 60's to the early 90's. Lucky for me my Mom saved many of them. It's been enlightening to me to remember how much I enjoyed writing about the seemingly small ways my life was proceeding and how much I loved being a Mom and an amusing writer for the recipient. More on that later but it also left me with a sadness that we all have dropped letter writing for emails and texting. I know it is a big commitment, but I intend to remedy that by, what else, writing letters starting today.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved