Overcoming Overcompensation

Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather, indicates, his fate.                    
Henry David Thoreau                                                         

There is this interesting phenomena that I see in some of todays parents. Because they don't want to feel the pain or embarrassment of their children being less than stars they go completely overboard pushing, and overdoing it for the child. This is not about the child, this is about the parent. For example, I see parents who vastly overcompensate for their children. My husband and I got the first inkling of this when our boys were in Cub Scouts. The 'Pine Wood Derby' was the task and the adventure. The little boys were given a block of wood, some wheels and told to make a race car and in a week there would be a contest to see whose car was fastest. Mr. G and I were very much into letting our boys experiment with some occasional guidance to avoid any dangerous mishaps. So my husband supervised the whittling and helped by drilling the holes for the wheels but the configuration, construction and coloration was up to them. They were so proud of their creations and we were too. Then came the night of the Derby. I suppose it wouldn't shock you to learn that most of the boy's fathers actually made the race cars. It was so obvious, but it did shock and disappoint us. Besides spending time with their boys, a plus, what exactly did those fathers teach their sons?

I see this same scenario repeated endlessly. Parents write their kid's college essays, they call the schools for special exemptions and privileges, they give their kids expensive cars to drive to high school, they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I could go on and on. I ask you, what is this teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself" and that folks, is infantalization. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their child chooses to achieve.

Let's do the opposite, the parents who are "too busy", too unconcerned, or too addicted [to something] and basically neglect their kids. What's that about? The justification is that they have to make a living, haven't got time for their kid, or deserve whatever substance or behavior they can't leave alone. While I am sympathetic to the parents who work crazy hours, I am baffled as to why they'd choose to have more than one or possibly two kids if they can't afford them or worse aren't particularly interested in them. Condoms are very cheap. I realize that now I sound like a right wing nut case but really, thank God for Planned Parenthood. Sure, accidents happen and that's why choice and the morning after pill is available. [Even though, as I write this, many are trying, a la Monty Python's 'Every Sperm is Sacred' anthem, to make a seed into a person and limit choice. Sad but laughable.] I have never understood why the people who are yelling vociferously about a women's choices will then turn their back to help out that woman if she choose to have a child. Truthfully, this is all about controlling women, stepping in between her, her doctor and her choices.

Some of the other obstacles that lead to neglect [and in extremis abuse] are addictions, violence, ignorance, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, fear of the child, disinterest, immaturity, and disorganization. In some homes there are horrific things going on and it is the parents fault that the children are failing in all ways. After this depressing list, which is true, I'd like to give a break to most of the parents who are doing their best to make a good life for their children but for various reasons are failing in the task.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.  Doug Larson

One reason that stands out is this: years ago someone suggested that our society is misogynistic [not as bad as the fundamentalist religions though]. Just notice all the faces around a mom who's dealing with an out of control toddler in a grocery store. Sympathy, empathy? Probably the opposite. Here is the Mom struggling with a purse, a list, a cart and a wiggly, screaming two year old. Does anyone offer help? No, instead I see snears and heads shaking.

 The hell of it is sometimes parents in their frustration or embarrassment will give into the toddler's temper tantrum. Ah, there's the rub. A client reported, "I took Tammy who's two to the grocery store and she demands in a very LOUD voice that she wants candy, as a good parent I tried to bribe and distract her with an apple. She's having none of it and screamed louder for the candy. To avoid impending deafness and the angry stares from passersby I gave her the candy. Next time at the grocery store she asks, I got firm and said no and she just whimpered. The time after that she started the shrieking thing and I gave her the candy so she would just shut up." "Ah, dear one", I said, "you have just created a monster".

We know from our work with humans and animals that the most difficult thing to break a dog or a child of his bad habits is to reward sometimes and punish sometimes. Feeding a dog from the table comes to mind, once rewarded with a tasty tidbit and then scolded for begging makes them crazy and so they beg, beg, beg. Same goes for the kid at the grocery store. Can they change? Yes. But after more than dozens of  "NO go lie down" or "that's it, time out" and ignoring their sad mournful eyes, you have a chance to break them of that bad habit. You must be consistent and stay firm. [Then grandparents come along and wreck the whole program, frustrating to say the least.]

Here is a simple list that I find helpful to tell parents about their kids:

1. From a very young age encourage the child to do what he can do for him/herself: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; do their own homework, make their lunch.
2. Be encouraging when they attempt to do what is difficult [with assistance]--  riding a bike, supervise but don't hover; college essays, read, make suggestions or editorial comments but don't change the major ideas, for lunches provide the ingrediences and the thanks.
3. Let go of other people's feelings: if someone thinks it's shocking to allow your little girl to wear a tutu to class or your little one to sport a cape, let them think what they will. You'll love the pictures later. Allow the child to choose the sport he/she likes best.
4. Talk to your children with respect and love, it will pay off triple fold when they're adults and the teachers will appreciate the good manners.
5. If a child is disrespectful, immediately put them in time out and let them know this is never acceptable. What is it with parents who think this is funny?
6. Catch them doing something right and praise X3. Besides being respectful and having a good attitude--- having good manners has to be taught and modeled.
7. Only reward good behavior and attitudes, don't go into drama or lecturing when they screw up, do a time out with a simple explanation as to why.
8. Let the time outs be age appropriate. Three minutes for a three year old feels really long so don't do ten minutes; fifteen minutes for a ten year old gives them a chance to think [again with no machines...].
9. Listen to the kids about their life, their interests, their dreams and "let them [within reason] have any book they want". I got that one from Sherman Alexie.


10. Eat together whenever possible. When asked by one of my son's friends what was the best thing about our house Pete replied, "the dinners". We loved it too, still do.
11. Keep an orderly and tidy house, for one thing you will be able to find things for another you are trying to launch good citizens and respect, good manners, order and kindness helps children in the adult world.
12. Keep your relationship strong, tell the truth and run, kiss, kiss, kiss and hug, hug, hug.

Children want their parents to love them, take care of them and have fun with them. Isn't that what we want for our kids? Hopefully this column and blog can give a bit of guidance and support to parents to have a better life with their kids. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved