Pity the Poor Beleagured Parent

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.          E.W. Howe

Sometimes you can feel tied up by the children
Nothing beats a timely hug and understanding lap

 There are no guarantees in parenting a child, you can try your best and sometimes that is just not enough, the child's peculiar and perplexing make up can thwart you at every turn. That being said, probably 90% of parenting can be boiled down to the golden rule, 'do unto others'. One upping that could be "do unto others as you wish, within reason, was done unto you." The within reason is what I'd like to address about parenting.

When you become a parent you have an opportunity to create a wonderful experience for yourself and your child. Lots of love, funny stories and laughter.

I remember years ago a client had a rather sad story to report about creating experiences for her sons. She was widowed at a very young age leaving her with two boys 6 and 8 years old. The parents both knew that the Dad had less than a year to live so before he died they went all out and created fabulous trips for their family so that the sons would have glowing memories of being with their Dad. The funny thing was four years after their Dad died the Mom asked the sons, "what are the special memories you have of Dad" and the answers were, "eating popcorn at the movies, sharing a pretzels in front of the aquarium, going on that hike to the beach, laughing at his jokes." Nothing that was glamorous or exotic. These are memories that you can create each day with your children. Accessible and affordable, lovely and fun. This Mom has coped very well because she has a loving family and very supportive friends, which is a key component to recovering from this huge blow to the psyche.

An important component in raising a healthy, happy child is having compassion for yourself. It is also important to try to learn everything you can about what works best for him/her and your family in regard to this child. Some people are very sensitive to noise and too much stimulation and so are individual children. Some parents require lots of interaction with the outside world and need lots of society and so do some kids. All this is great when you have similar personalities in a family that harmonize, it's easy and flows naturally. However sometimes we have a quiet parent who gives birth to a whirlwind social butterfly. One little girl that I loved had lesbian mothers who were quiet, a bit rough around the edges and feminists to boot. Wouldn't you know that their little girl was a card carrying 'princess' who was never without her tiara, friends, sparkles, tap shoes and Barbies. "She came out of the chute that way," is how one of her Mommies characterized her. You have to play with the hand you were dealt and try to have as many good times as possible. This means studying what works best for your particular child and managing to honor that.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.           George Santayana

My humble opinion is often you are going to have to put the needs of the child above your own. Infancy is the perfect example. It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone should strive to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Ha! With a newborn that is just not possible. So strive to see the situation as temporary and situational and be kind to yourself.

1. Do unto your child as you wish was done unto you.
2. Create wonderful moments out of simple pleasures: reading stories, going for hikes, attending their games and performances, taking them on trips, researching what is interesting to them.
3. Enjoy every phase of their growing up, yes, even the difficult teen years.
4. Learn to develop your ability to entertain their friends and have good meals with them.
5. Try to eat together as often as possible, most interesting discussions revolve around good food.
6. Teach them how to be a good citizen of the world, be interested in many countries, places, cuisines, languages and always, always teach openness and kindness to others [within limits].
7. Teach them to think for themselves, "no one is going to do your thinking for you," I was fond of saying, keep them skeptical of commercials and people trying to sell them something they don't need.
8. Limit time with machines so they can think and create. The great outdoors awaits!
9. Get lots of sleep yourself, limit your own screen time, you'd be amazed at how it opens up your days.
10. Have a community of other parents with kids about your kids ages and share your experience, strength and hope.
11. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.

Parents need all kinds of encouragement and support. I hope that any of you reading this blog who knows of a family that is going through a rough patch will extend yourself to the family. Do so expecting nothing. However when I do extend myself I get such joy out of these families, my payment in full, the joy. We laugh and tell stories, it is so fulfilling. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved