Be Very Afraid for I am a Feminist Coming to Get You! A Challenge to All Who Say "Not Me!"

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.        Anonymous

Nobody can argue about the rights of women, it's like arguing about earthquakes.                                                     Lillian Hellman 

Erroneously some people believe that if you describe yourself as a feminist you must be against the opposite sex. How silly is that!? By definition feminism is "the doctrine of social and political rights equal to men". How much clearer could that be? Yet some blowhards have tried to twist the definition as being against men's rights and against men. Emphatically not true.

Personally and professionally the boys and men in my life have always been dear to me. Very dear. I have a wonderful husband, two treasured sons and two fabulous grandsons. I do well with male clients and want them to thrive in their lives. Ironically by my proclamation as being a feminist, I terrify some men to the point of attack. I then become merely a label, not a person and the butt of a joke. True, I can be outspoken and feisty.  For that I thank the girls Catholic high school I attended that allowed me [in the early 60's] to play any sport, raise my hand and ask any question in class, challenge any doofus, male or female, that I realized was being inaccurate or plain stupid. I also must thank my outspoken Mother, grandmother and assorted teachers for learning to be honest and forthright. In short I am one of the women that some men have been warned about. Misogynist beware!

It will be women who'll save the world.                          Jane M. Ricketts [on a discussion of the world's condition]

What great harm have I, as a feminist, ever done to the human race? None that I can think of. Yet I constantly have heard the word 'radical' stamped on my admitted feminist label. Isn't it true that women's rights are human rights? Is that so unsettling, odd or radical? Even the Pope is declaring himself a feminist these days, bless him. No one is calling him a radical. Is it harmful to believe that we, as one of the most prosperous countries in the world, have a duty to help out oppressed women and children. We have the ability to do this in our nation and in other countries. This sounds like humanism really, because who is the hope of the world? As my dear mother noted: women. 

Giving the Catholic church as an example of not recognizing feminism in action, remember it's the nuns who have done the preponderance of the scut work with the poor and oppressed. As far as I know these Nuns have committed no crimes against humanity. They have served and waited on the whims of their Church, always the underlings. How have they been rewarded for their devotion and their diligence? They have no pensions and they weren't allowed to pay into Social Security so in essence they are like the lilies of the field, they have nothing and they have been impoverished. Several years ago they were being censured by a particularly ignorant bishop in Seattle as their thanks for all their selfless hard work. I ask you.

By comparison, impoverishment is certainly not true for the priests. They have pensions and places to live until they die. They have Social Security. Interestingly and also by contrast, a few of them have almost bankrupt certain parishes throughout the United States with the lawsuits over their pedophilia. And, I might add, all of this in the past was routinely covered up by the hierarchy of the Church. That's not right and the ones who are addressing this issue most vigorously are the women, the mothers of these child victims.

I am puzzled that my kind of liberal minded, human rights oriented, outspoken, scholarly woman is continually vilified, feared and condemned by some of the nastier religions of the world and some of the hate mongering talk show hosts. Just what have feminists done that provokes such loathing? Could it be the demanding equal pay for equal work? or insisting that any conversation about her body be between her and her doctor? or by being allowed to choose the number of children she brings into the world? or expecting the right to an education? Don't we all want this for all of our children?

The humblest citizen of all the land, when clad in the armor of a righteous cause, is stronger than all the hosts of Error.     William Jennings Bryan

Let's do a little exercise. Let's take this whole issue of feminism to the logical extreme of the non or anti feminist. This would, again by definition, be a woman or a man who does not want the social and political rights equal to men. What does that look like? For one the pay for equal work would be abysmal, women would lose the right to vote, lose the right to privacy between them and their doctor, no title IX so no sports subsidized as are the men's, and of course no woman would be in a political office and without the voting power little protection for themselves and their children. Still anti feminist? A quick tour of the world where women have no rights will give you a better glimpse than all of my verbiage. 

Take Egypt...please. In Egypt, women have no rights and they are regularly sexually harrassed, are sometimes genitally mutilated, and have no one to turn to if their husband is violent. They still stone women in Egypt as well as in 15 other countries in the Islamic world. One little girl, 13 years old was stoned to death when she reported a rape by three men. Her crime they said was "adultery". Still not convinced? If you find all of this horror acceptable then indeed you are not a feminist. Do you really want to be a host of error?

All of this came about because I had a small discussion with someone who I was sure understood what it means to be anti feminist and yet was clueless. This is my plea. If you are going to state a position like "I don't support feminists" for heaven's sake do your homework and realize what you are supporting. By spouting anti-feminism you are joining the ranks of a very dark and ugly group of haters. Go toward the light and be loving to women. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

When a Young Adult Stalls

 

I want it all and I want it delivered!                                           T-shirt

I always wanted to be somebody; but I should have been more specific.                                                                        Lily Tomlin

Probably in every age through the centuries there are young adults who've stalled in their maturation. This stalling has been on my mind since I attended a workshop several summers ago. In the song writing class we were instructed to write a song on a topic the teacher assigned us. He came up with these topics by speaking to each of us then choosing something from that conversation he thought might be challenging. The topics were both interesting and thought provoking. 

The topic that really intrigued me and provoked the most discussion in our class was given to Brenda on "loving herself." She admitted "I'm angry all the time at the world and my circumstances." One of Brenda's 'circumstances' was she couldn't bare to insist that her grown sons [Homer age 24 and Bart age 25] move out of the house. They had no jobs, they paid no rent.  Unbelievably Brenda kept saying "we have messed up this world, how can I send them out there?" as her justification for her inaction. Yet she was so angry about them living at home being lumps on the couch, hence Brenda's dilemma and 'circumstances.' 

Is the world messed up? Yep, we've foisted climate change on ours and future generations to deal with and hopefully clean up. Is this world, the people and all creatures in, it beautiful. Indeed it is. Brenda from my humble perspective, was caught in a typical "either/or" dilemma, never considering that the answers might lie in "both/and." That is: the world is suffering and it's worth living in and working for. Both/and.

The people in the class were stunned by her lack of insight into her problem. Brenda was afraid for her grown sons and couldn't "let them go into that messed up world". As I mentioned in a previous posts: fear is not love.  This really was about Brenda's personal anxieties. We, the class members, encouraged, we cajoled, we rooted for her to let them go out into the world as adults. She practically had her fingers stuck in her ears. It would have been fascinating if it wasn't so sad. Sad for Brenda, sabotaging her own happiness but I believe less sad for her sons. They got to be infantilized and lazy. Most critically and importantly though they were not maturing.

It happened that two of my sisters were in this class and if by spontaneous combustion we burst into the song, "Your Children Are Not Your Children" [from a poem by Kahlil Gibran]

 "Your children are not your children,

they are the sons and the daughters of life longing for itself

they come through you but they are not of you 

and though they are with you they belong not to you..." 

To no avail! Although he was a bit stunned and initially speechless, our teacher rather liked our rendition and rich harmonies.

If I'd been able to say something to Brenda, I'd have coached her to say to them:

 
"the world is not easy it's true... and here are the want ads... I want you to move out...and you have a month to find a job and a place to live." Seems too harsh? It's a case of both/and. Read on.

To be honest, to be kind, to earn a little and to spend a little less, to make upon the whole family happier for your presence, to keep friends with yourself, here is a task for all.                                                                                                   Robert Louis Stevenson

I've seen kids ride bicycles, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours...yet have to be driven to the garbage can.                                     Erma Bombeck

I must admit I'm stunned when I read or hear stories about teens or young adults who never take a job, or help out their elderly neighbors, or chip in with the housework or share the cooking with their families. Not expecting anything from the young and energetic is a disservice to them and the communities they live in. Even if in your town or city a job is hard to come by, surely the youths can help out the family by cooking, cleaning, babysitting or running errands. 

Here's an example of altruism in some young people despite hardship. When traveling with my sister in 2011 to Italy we went to Tivoli for an evening. The city was suffering from the recession and much of the city was in disarray. The city had no money to clean up the streets and jobs were scarce. The young adults and the teens got disgusted with all the litter and organized a campaign to clean up the parks. Cleaner parks brought in more tourists and had a good effect eventually on their local economy. Altruism reigns supreme. 

Do your young adults a favor, treat them respectfully like the adults that you wish them to be. Just like I've suggested with the younger children be kind, encouraging and inspirational to them. Make sure you're being loving, mature, responsible, a good citizen and energetic. Like breeds like.

Helping Children Thrive

The proper age to indulge and overcompensate is for infants

The best time to start training a puppy or kitten is when they are past infancy, usually 10 to 12 weeks of age. The best time to start training a little child is when they are past infancy, and can grasp the rudimentary concepts that can aid them in their growing up. I see parents who use kindness, sharp attention to what the kids are doing right and then giving them verbal praise. Interestingly, this is exactly like the techniques used by the most successful animal trainers.  

The hard thing about parenting is that sometimes in their frustration or embarrassment a parent will give into a toddler's temper tantrum. Ah, there's the rub and the set up for future problems. 

Here's a story from one of my former clients who's toddler was very frustrating. Lana* said, "I took my two year old Tammy* to the grocery store and she demanded in a very LOUD voice that she wants candy now! As a good parent I tried to bribe and distract her with an apple. Tammy's having none of it and screamed louder for the candy. Because I was in a hurry and to avoid impending deafness stop the angry stares from passersby--- I gave her the candy. Next time we went to the store she asks for candy but I got firm and said no and she just whimpered. The time after that she started the shrieking thing and I gave her the candy so she'd just shut up." "Ah Lana", I said, "you have just created a tiny Tammy monster, but there is hope to reverse that curse."

Numerous studies show that it is most difficult to break a dog or a child of  bad habits especially when they've been first rewarded and then the next time punished for the same behavior --it's called 'intermittent reinforcement'. Feeding a dog from the table comes to mind. Once rewarded with a tasty tidbit and then scolded for begging makes the pet crazy and so they beg, beg, beg. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Same goes for Tammy at the grocery store. Can she change? Yes. But after more than dozens of  "NO go lie down", to the dog, or "that's it, time out" to Tammy. I realize it's hard to ignore their sad mournful eyes or that awful censure from the disapproving adults subjected to the screaming...but, it takes repetitive work to break them of that bad habit. "You must be consistent and kind but stay firm." I said. 

What I like to tell parents who are struggling with a defiant toddler, [which by the way is completely age appropriate]is to start by only rewarding the child's good behavior. Anything toward temper tantrum status requires a very short time out, with no hysterics on the parent's part! Then when they are ready, encourage the child to do what they can do for him/herself: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; do their own homework; make their own lunches. They might not initially like it but believe me, they will be so proud to do things for themselves. Isn't that what tantrums are all about? Wanting to do things your own way? If you will start them young this flows nicely into the teenage years where the heavier chores should be required and more complaining can be expected.

In the past I've see parents who loose their way, and actually discourage independence by vastly overcompensating for their children. My husband and I got our first whiff of this when our boys were in Cub Scouts. The 'Pine Wood Derby' was the task and the adventure. The little boys were given a block of wood, some wheels and told to make a race car and in a week there would be a contest to see whose car was fastest. Mr. G and I were very much into letting our boys experiment with some occasional guidance to avoid any dangerous mishaps. So my husband supervised the whittling and helped by drilling the holes for the wheels but the configuration, construction and coloration was up to them. They were so proud of their creations and we were too. Then came the night of the Derby. I suppose it wouldn't shock you to learn that most of the boy's fathers made the race cars. It was so obvious, but it did shock and disappoint us. Besides missing  teaching time with their boys what exactly did those fathers teach their sons? "Here let me do that." Implication: obviously you're not capable... Not only was this disappointing but they sadly missed the entire point of the task: to learn skills and take pride in their accomplishment. To these fathers it was all about winning the Pine Wood Derby. Losers.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.  Doug Larson 

There are no perfect parents, as Anna Quilen says when apologizing to her grown children, "mistakes have been made." However, here is a simple list that I find helpful to give to parents about raising kids that thrive:

1. From a very young age encourage the child to do what they can do for themselves: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; clear the table; do their own homework, make their own lunches etc.
2. Be encouraging when they attempt to do what is difficult [with assistance]-- riding a bike, supervise but don't hover; school home work read, make suggestions; with essays or book reviews or make editorial comments but don't change the major ideas; for lunches provide the ingredients and then the thanks.
   
3. Let go of other people's feelings: if someone thinks it's shocking to allow your little girl to wear a tutu to class or your little one to sport a cape, let them think what they will. You'll love the pictures later. Allow the child to choose the sport he/she likes best.
4. Talk to your children with respect and love, it will pay off triple fold when they're adults and the teachers will appreciate the good manners. Obviously no name calling or shaming.
5. If a child is disrespectful, immediately put them in time out and let them know this is never acceptable. 
6. Catch them doing something right and praise x3. Besides being respectful and having a good attitude--- having good manners has to be taught and modeled.
7. Only reward good behavior and attitudes, don't go into drama or lecturing mode when they screw up, do a time out with a simple explanation as to why.
8. Let the time outs be age appropriate. Three minutes for a three year old feels really long so don't do ten minutes; fifteen minutes for a ten year old gives them a chance to think [again with no machines...].
9. Listen to the kids about their life, their interests, their dreams and "let them [within reason] have any book they want". I got that one from Sherman Alexie.

10. Eat together whenever possible. When asked by one of my son's friends what was the best thing about our house Pete replied, "the dinners". We loved it too, still do.
11. Keep an orderly and tidy house, for one thing you will be able to find things for another you are trying to launch good citizens and respect, good manners, order and kindness helps children in the adult world.
12. Keep your relationship strong, tell the truth and run, kiss, kiss, kiss and hug, hug, hug.

Children want their parents to love them, to take care of them and to have fun with them. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? 

P.S.  This is part one of a series. Part two deals with the teens and then part three is on launching the young adults. I love doing this blog and hope it gives anyone interested a bit of guidance and some support for parents to have a better life with their thriving kids. Thanks for reading. 

*of course these are not their real namessusansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On Raising Responsible Teenagers

It is good and important for our kids to take on  mature tasks while still teens

The amount of satisfaction you get from life depends largely on your own ingenuity, self-sufficiency and resourcefulness.  People who wait around for life to supply their satisfaction usually find boredom instead.                        Dr. William Menniger

On a suggestion from Anna Quindlen's newspaper column I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. This was a hole in my education that needed to be filled. The book depicts the harsh times of one poor family around the turn of the last century. We follow one young lady, Francie from ages 11 to 17. It is labeled as fiction but so much of the book is autobiographical that the truth flies off the pages. This young woman, Betty Smith led a hard scrabble life and redeemed her difficult situation through education, and when she had to quit school to help support the family, by reading and hard work. Her diligence was impressive and it paid off.

Take a mental, quick walk with me through the centuries. You'll find most children and especially teenagers had very difficult lives, especially by today's standards. In fact, until recently in this country many children had to leave school to work and help support the family. This was true of the protagonist, Francie mentioned above and this was also true of my own grandfather, Webster McHenry. Then when and where they did work, the children were working in deplorable conditions. There were no child labor laws, they worked 60 to 80 hours a week and were paid poorly. It wasn't until FDR's first term in the White House in the 1930's that child labor laws were enacted. In this century things have gotten better, certainly not because of the charity of the bosses, but due to legislation that big business fought against tooth and nail.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.               Fredrick Douglass

Stating the obvious, the ease with which our teens today are being raised is in stark contrast to the children of a century ago. That is indeed a blessing yet sometimes their character suffers for these cushier circumstances. I keep asking myself  "what are we promoting in these children?" Since the burdens for most children have lightened up considerably this should be heralded as good news but sometimes the burdens are lightened to an absolutely absurd degree. That's what I'm concerned about.

There are misguided parents who go completely overboard pushing and basically overdoing everything for their child. It's been called 'helicopter parenting'. Please remember, this isn't for the benefit of the child, this is all about the star-shine for the parent. I remember reading years ago in a book, The Road Less Traveled, in which Scott Peck described a mother who drove her son to school each day because she was afraid for him to take the bus. She described her actions as loving. This was a boy in high school. That's not love, it's teaching him to be fearful and dependent.

If parents really cared primarily for their teen's maturity they would be concerned about enriching them. This would emphasize encouraging the teen to be capable of doing rudimentary tasks for themselves. Examples abound: doing the family's laundry; help cooking meals; procuring and working at a summer job; finding joy in volunteering; learning to file a tax return; filling out college applications; cleaning their room; cleaning the bathroom; being responsible for a checkbook; know what a debit card actually means; how to earn and manage money; taking care of younger children; knowing how to study; learning how to do research; how to navigate in a city; how to read a map; learning what it means to be a good citizen and the value of loving kindness in everyday life. All of this is what I would hope that the average American teen would be capable of. Instead...

These days it is not unusual for parents to never require their teen to help around the house, or be responsible for a pet or even a younger sibling. These parents even go so far as to write their kid's college essays. That's not all. I have been told by teachers that they call the schools for special exemptions and privileges for their child then they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I have witnessed them giving their kids expensive cars to drive to high school. These teens are never required to have summer jobs and this is particularly sad because a job would be an excellent way to start them on the road to being self sufficient. 

I ask you, what is all of this over protectiveness/overcompensation teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself, I must step in assist" and that folks, is infantalization, treating a perfectly capable person like an infant. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need to stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their teen chooses to achieve. As I see it this is not helping either of them to mature. My hope and request is for the parents to be less indulgent and expect the teen to be more diligent, respectful and caring. This is the hallmark of maturity: taking responsibility for one's self for the sake of their own [and our] future. Lazy indulged teens are the last thing we need to keep our country strong. An excellent goal is to aim to raise good citizens and caring adults.

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.                                   John R. Miller

For of those to whom much is given, much is required.   John F. Kennedy

While I'm trying to understand this over indulgence on the part of the parents I do realize the world is a more difficult place than it was when I was a teen. For one thing the easy access to a wild variety of drugs just wasn't part of my experience. Violence, guns, were not so omni-present and things moved at a much slower pace. Also the world for my generation was more affordable. With summer jobs and only a bit of assistance financially from my parents I was able to pay for much of my college education. 

When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot---but I always found them.                                                    Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up in a mostly happy home, one of six kids whose parents did have trials and tribulations. Being one of the oldest I had much more was expected of me and now I appreciate that and the benign neglect of my parents. I had to do a lot for myself and for my family. Looking back, even the rotten experiences I had as a teen have been useful in my life as life lessons. 

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2015  Susan R. Grout all rights reserved  

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How to Be Neighborly and on the Team

The gospel very much wants us to think in terms of a neighborhood, in terms of being in solidarity with other people, in sharing our resources, and of living out beyond ourselves.                                Dr. Walter Brueggerman  

Nothing makes you more tolerant of an neighbor's noisy party than being there.                                                             Franklin P. Jones                                            

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Don't we all want a world that is neighborly and peaceful instead of one where there is so much acrimony, strife and prejudice? Don't we want a world where, even if we choose not to, we are invited to the neighbor's noisy party? The big question that I've been examining is cynicism and nastiness that is apparent in not only politics but also religion and attitudes of some of our people. Why there is so much free floating hatred and defensiveness? Some say it is justifiable to be this way, being cynical is the only right way to approach these times. I have an alternative theory: we are allowing people to be disrespectful, prejudice and selfish. It is high time we called these errors out when we hear them or see them. 

Cynicism---the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.                                                                                           Russell Lynes

As a psychotherapist and from my long years of listening and commenting from a chair, I know that the people who are most cynical and paranoid are the least happy. The ones who approach each day with hatred and anger, spoiling for a fight are the least satisfied. So why not let them stew in their own miserable juices? Dunno. Guess as an optimist who specialized in relationships and solutions I can't just give up and let it go unconfronted. They could be happier and less troubled.

How does this cynicism get started? Sometimes it truly is mental illness but often it is from the grouchy, disrepectful attitudes surrounding a person. It then gets condoned.

Most of us are concerned about the lack of respect some children exhibit to their teachers. Worse and more painful is reading about their parents who threaten teachers and/or coaches for doing their jobs. These parents should be disciplining their children for being disrespectful. [Might I suggest removing their cell phones, TVs or their freedom and then writing an essay about their behavior before the restriction is lifted.]  I realize that popular TV and movies show a level of disrespect that is sickening and children are vulnerable to coping what they see. Why haven't parents first discussed this with their children then raise up in arms about what is being taught on the media? Instead what gets reported are silly groundless fights about naughty words in books and banning science [think Kansas and evolution] from the curriculum.

Another thing that is disconcerting is a segment of our citizens who paint all police officers with the same brush. They believe all in law enforcement are a frightening group of thugs just waiting to arrest or worse kill any person of color. How unfair and untrue. Indeed, there are some who are problematic and of course and they need to be weeded out. But this is classic all or nothing thinking. 

I watched this happen [the black and white thinking] back in the 60's when the soldiers came back from Vietnam. It was hurtful and ugly. Instead of blaming the higher ups for making these bad war decisions, it was taken out on the soldiers.  Black and white thinking doesn't come from our higher selves and can unnecessarily hurts the just and innocent. Rather, it springs out of the worst part of humans, fear, prejudice and hatred. This is then passed on to the children who in turn become disrespectful, aggressive, fearful and hateful. Even wild animals, when cornered can become aggressive or flee in fear. Behold the mild mannered opossum who when confronted will either hiss and raised up on it's hind legs or play dead. That is what is passed on to the children. "You've go to be taught to hate and fear". Instead, teach your children well. 

Do you value good citizenship? Do you value being a good neighbor? Then lead by example.

Almost all of us have read, heard, been subjected to the vitriol about our President. The theory is that these are justifiable criticisms. But look again they are from the cynics, they are hate filled baseless accusations. 

For example our President advocates providing health care for all of our citizens. By the way, this was based on Mitt Romney's health care for the state of Massachusetts. Health care for all in my book is necessary for any workable society. We are one of the few first world countries who refuses to do this. So what we are basically saying to our citizens that can't afford health care is "you aren't worth our concern". Is this really what we want for one of the richest countries of in the world? Dr. Brueggerman says "that identifies and fosters a kind of disadvantaged class that is excluded from all of the resources of society." Doesn't sound very religious, loving, neighborly or Christian to me. Does it to you?

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage also is needed to do what is right.                      Arthur Dobrin

In terms of love I like what Dr. Brueggerman says in regards to people and religion. He is appalled at the attempt by some of the "faithful" in the current religions who are making end runs around the best of their faith and trying desperately to justify parsimony, greed, violence, hatred and selfishness. This can also apply to the politicians that seek to improverish our citizens. Honestly, sometimes some religious people and politicians seem as unwilling as a feisty cat to share a house with a gentle, excluded dog. See above. Instead invite them to the party. 

Being invited to the party of life is like being a "12th man", one who is part of the team. If one of your 12th man fellow neighbors is acting boorishly you'd gently tell him to stuff it for the good of the team. Can't we have a team U.S.? Can't we have religions that are team oriented? When people are being disrespectful to their leaders, teachers, coaches, etc. we need to confront them and tell them to knock it off. It's unsportsmanlike conduct.

susansmagicfeather sopyright  2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Pope Pops the Fundamentalists!

 Religious fundamentalism, even before it eliminates human beings by perpetrating horrendous killings, eliminates God himself, turning him into a mere ideological pretext to perpetuate mass killings.
.                                                          Pope Francis 

Pope Francis today [1/12/15] denounced religious fundamentalism. He stated it was this that inspired the Paris massacres and the ongoing Mideast conflicts. Pope Francis said the attackers "were enslaved by deviant forms of religion that used God as a mere ideological pretext to perpetuate mass killings". He then called for an end to "fundamentalist terrorism" in the Mideast and for Muslim leaders in particular to condemn "extremist interpretations" of their faith that seek to justify such violence.

The leader of the 1.2-billion strong Catholic Church has stepped up his call for Muslim political, religious and intellectual leaders to vocally insist that Islam doesn't condone such violence.

I so welcome this news and the admonition from Pope Francis. How refreshing it is to have a Pope who is a humanitarian. He understands the meaning of the word religion in its best sense. To aide in my understanding I read the definition of the word 'religion' over three times in my dictionary. Not once does it mention anything about hatred or killing for God. It seems to me that most religions have as their base the ideas of a power greater than humans and, far as I can discern, this includes the power of love and goodwill toward all humans. So why is religion being used to perpetuate mass killings? 

Throughout history someone who is power hungry and has a self-aggrandizement complex encourages/commands his men/minions to murder 'others'. 'Others' are defined as all who do not agree with whatever the megalomaniac is declaring as right. He must be followed as though he is the supreme being. "In the name of God, I will slay, starve, impoverish, convert, exploit you." This is currently going on and Francis rightly "denounced the "abominable" kidnapping and enslavement of young girls by Boko Haram militants in Nigeria and the slaughter of "unspeakable brutality" of more than 100 children by the Taliban in Pakistan". 

Time for active non-violence. Time to stand up and call out, time to protest. Time to call it what it is: a perversion of religion; it is murder and the most egregious violation of human rights. When power is perverted it always comes out as hate and creates fear.

We also need to call out [and stop propping up] the nations who are supporting these terrorists, supplying them with funds and arms to carry out their atrocities. I shudder to think that it is possibly from our own arms manufacturing that some of these weapons are coming. 

A sincere appreciation must go out to the world's leaders who are brave enough to stand up to the terrorist and say, 'no more'. We need a massive amount of brave, caring leaders as well as brave, ordinary citizens to come forth at this important hour and pledge their allegiance to goodness and love. This a call to non-violent action.

Remember:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate is not driven out by hate, only love can do that.                   Martin Luther King

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Difference between Protest and Hatred

That's the first step---you demonize people and pretty soon they're not people anymore, they're meant to be despised. It's exactly what happened in Nazi Germany.                Peter Mathiessen

The Romans had to work up hatred to kill Jesus

Blood. Blood spilled by crazed individuals, then by obsessed people in power. Wars always start this way. Whether it's the Nazis against the Jews or the Bosnian against the Muslims or the Hutus against the Tootsies it always starts with a campaign of hatred and fear. It goes like this: first demonize the human beings and urge others to treat them as less than a human beings, then call them names and bully them. The next step follows: it's OK to kill them because you feel no respect or any empathy for them, they are less than animals and certainly not "our" kind. This insane rationalization is how people justify their inhumanity to their fellow man.

Yesterday three extremists took the lives of twelve people in an office of a satirical magazine in France. Earlier in January an Australian Muslim man held an entire cafe hostage for hours, killing two. In our country a misguided and suicidal man recently killed two patrol officers in Brooklyn. The commonality here is that these people are operating on the delusion that their hatred is justified and their suicidal behavior is righteous and holy. In the case of the religious fundamentalist they believe their hatred and the right to murder are sanctioned by God. Weird. 

What happened to the God of love, to the "do unto others as you would have done unto you", to the "love thy neighbor as thyself"? All religions [or I guess I will have to qualify that with 'most', I only a have a minor in theology] have as one of their tenants the power of love. There is a disturbing trend to pervert that tenant into the "ours is the only way" philosophy, which is prejudicial, intolerant and certainly not loving.  This is certainly true of some of the more Orthodox of the Catholics, Jews and Muslims of the world just to name a few. 

The history of the world, like the history of its hills, is written in blood, the blood of barbaric warriors and bold partisans, of old women and beardless boys, of the guilty and the innocent.   Thomas Cahill

In the secular world humans have suffered at the hands of those who believe that "might makes right". Sadly, this goes back to the dawn of human interaction, from before the barbarians. Isn't the latest of the human suicides/murders a form of devolution? These poor deluded young men all believe that they are saintly for their murders. At best this is a form of mental illness, at worst these men are mere pawns at the hands of tyrants who only are looking out to justify their meglomania. This is a good definition of evil in my book.

The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off. How can I?                                            Bob Marley 

In a couple of my posts: http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2014/12/theyve-got-poochy-and-theyre-gonna-hurt.html and http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2014/10/please-no-more-dick-cheneys.html
I challenged the notion that torture and screaming at immigrant children is not Christian or loving. One of my readers took great exception to that statement and said I was propagating lies. 

In response to another post a woman I know sent around a message by the Tea Party suggesting we drug test all people on welfare. Honestly, I thought, let's start with the poorest of the poor. And then what? Surely these suggestors would want to help them and then deign to give them a job or send them to treatment? I doubt that. I propose that we start at the top! How about we start by testing people on the upper end of the feeding troth--- those on corporate welfare? Test those corporate farmers driving around in fancy cars collecting money not to grow crops. The bankers taking egregious salaries after being bailed out by the Federal government.Then why stop there? How about testing all of the people on Wall Street? Sounds like a fine idea to me. You probably have your own favorite idea about the people on corporate welfare. Insert here______________________, should be drug tested.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate is not driven out by hate, only love can do that.      Martin Luther King

 I am going to state unequivocally that hatred is not protest it is violence. Violent protests always backfire. Effective protests are strong, emphatic, clear, insistent but never violent. Violence is back to the might makes right and has no effectiveness in protest. Hatred costs humanity everything and only adds to devolution, not enhancing mankind.

If you smell a rat, call it out and protest, that is why 'Je suis Charlie'. If  you hear a racial slur, protest the hatred. The only way we are going to make this world a better place is with firmness against oppressors and protecting the innocent. Another way of saying that is love in the bravest truest sense of the world. Don't bow to hatred, stand up to it and spread love.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Who's the Bully that Puts You Down?

Around and around it goes, where it stops is right here

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.                                                     George Santayana

In my career as a psychotherapist I spent lots of time with clients who were incredibly self critical. I attempted the optimistic, wrestling with them, two falls out of three!, to at least lessen their critical opinions of themselves. Some of them were very stubborn and believed something terrible would happen if they dropped the habit of being highly critical of themselves.  I'd try to convince them just how silly this was. I'd point out that their method of repetitive mental put downs failed to accomplish what they state they wanted: to be happier.  Ah, but in some cases they were afraid to let go of that old dark companion: the crabby critic in their head. I realize this seems irrational, but sadly people stick like glue to what they know, after all it's familiar even if it sucks. This is, my friends, the hallmark of abuse.

Life is short but can feel very long indeed if each day you find a way to relentlessly beat yourself up. If you do this you're the bully! I realize as I write this some of you might find it hard to admit that your inner child is a bully. You might even think you need to listen to the repetitive yammering inside your head.  Granted it could sound important or like your nastiest relative who chastises you for not being productive enough, good enough, interesting enough, pretty or handsome enough, clever enough, talented enough, thin enough...enough is enough. In fact on the topic of self bullying--- enough is too much. Time to stop that awful habit.

This could cause some envy...

How does this start? With some people I worked with there was a history of verbal and physical abuse. Then the child internalized it and became their own worst enemy. Sometimes it was  as simple as people feeling inadequate and so constantly chastizing themselves to be better. Many people torture themselves with envy and comparisons. They fret and believe that others are happier than they are. They scan what the neighbors have or go on face book gnashing their teeth. I call this the "face book syndrome", when people imagine that these imaginary "somebodies" have more money, a better car, frequenter vacations, a sexier mate, suffice it to say, the envy list is longer than this post can handle. They obsess about what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do have.

When ones expectations are reduced to zero, one really does appreciate what one has.
Stephen Hawkins

One person who epitomizes working with what you've been given is Stephen Hawkins. Mr. Hawkins was diagnosed with ALS at the age of thirty, and has been wheel chair bound for over thirty five years. He can only talk with the aid of a machine. From this great scientist comes the quote above and though he expects nothing, he works like hell with what he has. What he has is a brilliant mind which he has used to acclaim, discovering the secrets of the universe from that wheel chair.  The obvious lesson here is that you can improve your life with what you have, but, you must work like hell. If it means digging yourself out of colossal debt by becoming austere and self sacrificing, you do it one day at a time and then find pleasure in the simpler things in life.  If it means reevaluating your relationships and changing who you associate with, take the measured and kinder steps and let go of the abrasive and embrace only the people who bring you joy. If you are incapacitated by an illness or injury, see what you can study or learn to expand your world from your chair. A good friend of mine has a lung disease which forces her to be sedentary. In her past she was an outstanding athlete and a vigorous person. With delight she reported she's taken up bird watching. I admire her spunk and urge you to revel in what you can do and enjoy.

Having joy and bringing joy to others

One thing is absolutely true, if you are in a situation that is continually difficult and you can't find a way to make it better, then yes, you will be miserable. My job was to help people living in misery see options, despite their difficult circumstances. Clients would come to counseling usually after they had consulted with their family and friends and their friends and family didn't come up with any satisfying ideas. Counseling is all about solving the puzzle of their lives, finding numerous alternatives and solutions that are just waiting to be discovered to make things better.

Stopping the nagging critical voice

1. Become hyper aware of the negativity of your inner dialogue.
2. Be a firm but kind person to the internal childish bully.
3. Study exactly what you are saying to yourself.
4. Does the criticism make sense to you? If so, write down what the critical voice says.
5. Does this sound like something you believe about yourself? Would you talk like this to a beloved child?
6. If the criticism is valid, feel it for a good thirty seconds and then write an action list.
7. Action list must be carried out that day with no over analysis involved.
8. Pat yourself on the back for quick follow through and wallow in the sense of accomplishment.
9. When the critical voice in your head starts up the next day [and it probably will] sing, "I've got plenty of nothin'" and make fun of the voice. 
10. Get on with revelling in your new life of being an action figure.

In the past I once read a statement from an eminent psychologist who said "anyone who states that they just want to be happy is immature." Sounds like a critical voice to me, doesn't it?  I respectfully disagree. It is not always attainable for those going through horrible suffering, but it is an excellent goal for the majority of us. And why not shoot for happiness or even moments of joy? The rewards are vast. Show up to fight the internal bully and you will be happier. Besides, action heroes are adorable.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Good bye, fondly to 2014 and Hello to 2015!

Hooray for us, riding our bikes in the 28 degree heat wave today...

Time to ring in the new year and I know of no better way than ride with a bunch of equally crazy friends in 28 degree weather over seven miles to a delicious brunch.

Here is a pictoral walk around my year. The idea came from FB trying to do my year for me. No thanks, so here is my own view of the year in Washington state, San Francisco, Los Angeles,  Chicago and New York city. Much love to all.

They've Got Poochy and They're Gonna Hurt Him!

Throughout history in times of crisis people can either rise to the occasion and use their best judgement or they can descend into irrationality and fear and make atrocious mistakes. Nazi Germany and the people in that country come to mind in the latter category.

Our government in the hands of the already paranoid and ill informed CIA [WMD anyone?] also made atrocious decisions. In 2001 they hired two psychologists, James Mitchell and John Bruce Jessen and over six or so years paid them a total of $81 million dollars because they knew how to create "learned helplessness" in the Guantanamo captives. They convinced the Bush/Cheney administration that "it would be irresponsible not to hire them." In fact these psychologists had "no experience as interrogators and no special knowledge of al-Qaida, no background in counter terrorism."**  The CIA was smitten by their claim that learned helplessness could be created in the detainees and they believed the captives would readily spill their guts. 

What they failed to discover, all of these supposedly smart men, was that the study on learned helplessness was done by Martin Seligman in the 80's. Yes, the Martin Seligman who has spent his career studying "positive psychology". The irony: his learned helplessness study was one of the seminal studies proving the exact opposite conclusion: people can recover from it. I wrote about this study in my post of 11/14/2011:

Long ago, I read a pivotal study by Dr. Martin Seligman that positively influenced me. In the 1980’s his group of scientists performed an unkind experiment with dogs on “learned helplessness.” They  constructed a huge cage with an electrified  metal floor and shocked the dogs randomly until they just gave up, lay down in their cages and awaited the next jolt. They had induced despair. The story could have ended there, with a pack of highly neurotic dogs. However, these were scientists who had hearts as well as brains and they decided to see if they could help these dogs recover.

So, using sausages as rewards, they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think  perhaps I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages."

I used this study and positive psychology continually in my career to great satisfaction. I watched and aided people recover from trauma and as I mentioned, it sometimes did take quite a long time. To recover you need to use your heart as well as your brain.

The saddest fact in all of this is that the CIA, the greedy psychologists, and our government at the time, the Cheney/Bush administration, used this seminal study for evil instead of it's intended purpose---to aide in depressed people's recovery from the grim pit of depression. In other words they used the animal part of their brain, fight and fear instead of a more grounded rational, reasonable approach. No heart working there. In fact James Mitchell didn't object to the findings other than to defend his expertise even suggesting that the torture was better than using drones. How's that for scantimonious obsfuscation. 

Didn't the CIA or anyone in the government at that time bother to read the Seligman's learned helplessness study? Didn't they note somewhere in their investigation that Seligman was using dogs and not people? John McCain is a perfect example on how and why torture doesn't work. He was caged for six years and bravely never gave good information to his abusers.  Another example is the remarkable dear hero of Unbroken, Louis Zamperini who remained unbroken in the face of excruciating torture while a prisoner of war. Torture is disgusting and beneath our dignity as human beings. To condone it defies my comprehension. It is the lowest form of abuse and needs to be called out and eradicated.

For some people torturing humans seems only mildly upsetting which absolutely flummoxes me. Yet if you mentioned that a dog, horse, cat or animal is being tortured they go ballistic. Hence the title of my post today. Save Poochy! If you are one who condones torture and cannot work up a shred of compassion for the humans being tortured substitute your favorite animal. Makes a difference doesn't it?

I liked what Obama said back when he was running for office in 2008, "we [the US] do not used torture." He has been heartily backed up in this report [and all of the studies I've ever read] that proves over and over again, torture does not work. Just ask John McCain.

Today is a new day. We are better, finer than the dark period when Cheney/Bush were at the helm and the CIA had run amok. Let's today honor the John McCains, the Louis Zamperinis and all of the service personnel who have ever been in captivity and eradicate these hate crimes against humanity. 

*This quote was taken from a very good article in todays Seattle Times by Hal Bernton and Kyung M. Song

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved