Who's the Bully that Puts You Down?

Around and around it goes, where it stops is right here

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.                                                     George Santayana

In my career as a psychotherapist I spent lots of time with clients who were incredibly self critical. I attempted the optimistic, wrestling with them, two falls out of three!, to at least lessen their critical opinions of themselves. Some of them were very stubborn and believed something terrible would happen if they dropped the habit of being highly critical of themselves.  I'd try to convince them just how silly this was. I'd point out that their method of repetitive mental put downs failed to accomplish what they state they wanted: to be happier.  Ah, but in some cases they were afraid to let go of that old dark companion: the crabby critic in their head. I realize this seems irrational, but sadly people stick like glue to what they know, after all it's familiar even if it sucks. This is, my friends, the hallmark of abuse.

Life is short but can feel very long indeed if each day you find a way to relentlessly beat yourself up. If you do this you're the bully! I realize as I write this some of you might find it hard to admit that your inner child is a bully. You might even think you need to listen to the repetitive yammering inside your head.  Granted it could sound important or like your nastiest relative who chastises you for not being productive enough, good enough, interesting enough, pretty or handsome enough, clever enough, talented enough, thin enough...enough is enough. In fact on the topic of self bullying--- enough is too much. Time to stop that awful habit.

This could cause some envy...

How does this start? With some people I worked with there was a history of verbal and physical abuse. Then the child internalized it and became their own worst enemy. Sometimes it was  as simple as people feeling inadequate and so constantly chastizing themselves to be better. Many people torture themselves with envy and comparisons. They fret and believe that others are happier than they are. They scan what the neighbors have or go on face book gnashing their teeth. I call this the "face book syndrome", when people imagine that these imaginary "somebodies" have more money, a better car, frequenter vacations, a sexier mate, suffice it to say, the envy list is longer than this post can handle. They obsess about what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do have.

When ones expectations are reduced to zero, one really does appreciate what one has.
Stephen Hawkins

One person who epitomizes working with what you've been given is Stephen Hawkins. Mr. Hawkins was diagnosed with ALS at the age of thirty, and has been wheel chair bound for over thirty five years. He can only talk with the aid of a machine. From this great scientist comes the quote above and though he expects nothing, he works like hell with what he has. What he has is a brilliant mind which he has used to acclaim, discovering the secrets of the universe from that wheel chair.  The obvious lesson here is that you can improve your life with what you have, but, you must work like hell. If it means digging yourself out of colossal debt by becoming austere and self sacrificing, you do it one day at a time and then find pleasure in the simpler things in life.  If it means reevaluating your relationships and changing who you associate with, take the measured and kinder steps and let go of the abrasive and embrace only the people who bring you joy. If you are incapacitated by an illness or injury, see what you can study or learn to expand your world from your chair. A good friend of mine has a lung disease which forces her to be sedentary. In her past she was an outstanding athlete and a vigorous person. With delight she reported she's taken up bird watching. I admire her spunk and urge you to revel in what you can do and enjoy.

Having joy and bringing joy to others

One thing is absolutely true, if you are in a situation that is continually difficult and you can't find a way to make it better, then yes, you will be miserable. My job was to help people living in misery see options, despite their difficult circumstances. Clients would come to counseling usually after they had consulted with their family and friends and their friends and family didn't come up with any satisfying ideas. Counseling is all about solving the puzzle of their lives, finding numerous alternatives and solutions that are just waiting to be discovered to make things better.

Stopping the nagging critical voice

1. Become hyper aware of the negativity of your inner dialogue.
2. Be a firm but kind person to the internal childish bully.
3. Study exactly what you are saying to yourself.
4. Does the criticism make sense to you? If so, write down what the critical voice says.
5. Does this sound like something you believe about yourself? Would you talk like this to a beloved child?
6. If the criticism is valid, feel it for a good thirty seconds and then write an action list.
7. Action list must be carried out that day with no over analysis involved.
8. Pat yourself on the back for quick follow through and wallow in the sense of accomplishment.
9. When the critical voice in your head starts up the next day [and it probably will] sing, "I've got plenty of nothin'" and make fun of the voice. 
10. Get on with revelling in your new life of being an action figure.

In the past I once read a statement from an eminent psychologist who said "anyone who states that they just want to be happy is immature." Sounds like a critical voice to me, doesn't it?  I respectfully disagree. It is not always attainable for those going through horrible suffering, but it is an excellent goal for the majority of us. And why not shoot for happiness or even moments of joy? The rewards are vast. Show up to fight the internal bully and you will be happier. Besides, action heroes are adorable.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved