Helping Children Thrive

The proper age to indulge and overcompensate is for infants

The best time to start training a puppy or kitten is when they are past infancy, usually 10 to 12 weeks of age. The best time to start training a little child is when they are past infancy, and can grasp the rudimentary concepts that can aid them in their growing up. I see parents who use kindness, sharp attention to what the kids are doing right and then giving them verbal praise. Interestingly, this is exactly like the techniques used by the most successful animal trainers.  

The hard thing about parenting is that sometimes in their frustration or embarrassment a parent will give into a toddler's temper tantrum. Ah, there's the rub and the set up for future problems. 

Here's a story from one of my former clients who's toddler was very frustrating. Lana* said, "I took my two year old Tammy* to the grocery store and she demanded in a very LOUD voice that she wants candy now! As a good parent I tried to bribe and distract her with an apple. Tammy's having none of it and screamed louder for the candy. Because I was in a hurry and to avoid impending deafness stop the angry stares from passersby--- I gave her the candy. Next time we went to the store she asks for candy but I got firm and said no and she just whimpered. The time after that she started the shrieking thing and I gave her the candy so she'd just shut up." "Ah Lana", I said, "you have just created a tiny Tammy monster, but there is hope to reverse that curse."

Numerous studies show that it is most difficult to break a dog or a child of  bad habits especially when they've been first rewarded and then the next time punished for the same behavior --it's called 'intermittent reinforcement'. Feeding a dog from the table comes to mind. Once rewarded with a tasty tidbit and then scolded for begging makes the pet crazy and so they beg, beg, beg. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Same goes for Tammy at the grocery store. Can she change? Yes. But after more than dozens of  "NO go lie down", to the dog, or "that's it, time out" to Tammy. I realize it's hard to ignore their sad mournful eyes or that awful censure from the disapproving adults subjected to the screaming...but, it takes repetitive work to break them of that bad habit. "You must be consistent and kind but stay firm." I said. 

What I like to tell parents who are struggling with a defiant toddler, [which by the way is completely age appropriate]is to start by only rewarding the child's good behavior. Anything toward temper tantrum status requires a very short time out, with no hysterics on the parent's part! Then when they are ready, encourage the child to do what they can do for him/herself: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; do their own homework; make their own lunches. They might not initially like it but believe me, they will be so proud to do things for themselves. Isn't that what tantrums are all about? Wanting to do things your own way? If you will start them young this flows nicely into the teenage years where the heavier chores should be required and more complaining can be expected.

In the past I've see parents who loose their way, and actually discourage independence by vastly overcompensating for their children. My husband and I got our first whiff of this when our boys were in Cub Scouts. The 'Pine Wood Derby' was the task and the adventure. The little boys were given a block of wood, some wheels and told to make a race car and in a week there would be a contest to see whose car was fastest. Mr. G and I were very much into letting our boys experiment with some occasional guidance to avoid any dangerous mishaps. So my husband supervised the whittling and helped by drilling the holes for the wheels but the configuration, construction and coloration was up to them. They were so proud of their creations and we were too. Then came the night of the Derby. I suppose it wouldn't shock you to learn that most of the boy's fathers made the race cars. It was so obvious, but it did shock and disappoint us. Besides missing  teaching time with their boys what exactly did those fathers teach their sons? "Here let me do that." Implication: obviously you're not capable... Not only was this disappointing but they sadly missed the entire point of the task: to learn skills and take pride in their accomplishment. To these fathers it was all about winning the Pine Wood Derby. Losers.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.  Doug Larson 

There are no perfect parents, as Anna Quilen says when apologizing to her grown children, "mistakes have been made." However, here is a simple list that I find helpful to give to parents about raising kids that thrive:

1. From a very young age encourage the child to do what they can do for themselves: dress themselves [sometimes in outrageous outfits, fine]; feed themselves; set the table; clear the table; do their own homework, make their own lunches etc.
2. Be encouraging when they attempt to do what is difficult [with assistance]-- riding a bike, supervise but don't hover; school home work read, make suggestions; with essays or book reviews or make editorial comments but don't change the major ideas; for lunches provide the ingredients and then the thanks.
   
3. Let go of other people's feelings: if someone thinks it's shocking to allow your little girl to wear a tutu to class or your little one to sport a cape, let them think what they will. You'll love the pictures later. Allow the child to choose the sport he/she likes best.
4. Talk to your children with respect and love, it will pay off triple fold when they're adults and the teachers will appreciate the good manners. Obviously no name calling or shaming.
5. If a child is disrespectful, immediately put them in time out and let them know this is never acceptable. 
6. Catch them doing something right and praise x3. Besides being respectful and having a good attitude--- having good manners has to be taught and modeled.
7. Only reward good behavior and attitudes, don't go into drama or lecturing mode when they screw up, do a time out with a simple explanation as to why.
8. Let the time outs be age appropriate. Three minutes for a three year old feels really long so don't do ten minutes; fifteen minutes for a ten year old gives them a chance to think [again with no machines...].
9. Listen to the kids about their life, their interests, their dreams and "let them [within reason] have any book they want". I got that one from Sherman Alexie.

10. Eat together whenever possible. When asked by one of my son's friends what was the best thing about our house Pete replied, "the dinners". We loved it too, still do.
11. Keep an orderly and tidy house, for one thing you will be able to find things for another you are trying to launch good citizens and respect, good manners, order and kindness helps children in the adult world.
12. Keep your relationship strong, tell the truth and run, kiss, kiss, kiss and hug, hug, hug.

Children want their parents to love them, to take care of them and to have fun with them. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? 

P.S.  This is part one of a series. Part two deals with the teens and then part three is on launching the young adults. I love doing this blog and hope it gives anyone interested a bit of guidance and some support for parents to have a better life with their thriving kids. Thanks for reading. 

*of course these are not their real namessusansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved