The Endurance Contest

 

Marriage is an endurance contest.             Robert L. Ricketts

Marriage requires commitment. So does insanity. Groucho Marx

My father Bob Ricketts was a very funny, and a very kind man. He was also an excellent husband and adored my mother from the time he first met her in his early twenties. When asked about his lovely wife and happy marriage he'd always quip,  "marriage is an endurance contest." 

Jane, our mother,  was a beautiful, talented, sophisticated young woman who, when she met him, at first was amused by Bob Ricketts, this funny man. Initially she dismissed him repeatedly with "you drink too much" or "I'm not sure I should go out with you." Ultimately he won her over with his charm, humor and dogged persistence. We, his children and all of Jane's family, were so grateful that she did relent.  Bob became a kindhearted successful businessman, and was beloved by all who knew him. He had employees that stayed with him for over 25 years that he owned the Ricketts restaurant saying he was the  best boss they ever had. 

Behind that rich sense of  humor was a man who was not just rough around the edges but someone who was recovering from a childhood fraught with neglect, grief and numerous problems. Humor can work to deflect a boatload of pain. He used it buoy up himself and all those around him.

When I met my husband I also was somewhat dismissive of him as well. I was dating up a storm in college and he was one of the many young men I went out with. But he persisted and soon I was impressed by how bright, charming and caring he was. Readers I married him.  

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. 

I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we'd run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say to clients, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy and amusement with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. [Since we have been married for so many, many years our arguments, even if passionate, are incredibly quick.] However realize there is an art to arguing. Please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It's OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense--- take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:  http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html, it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say. [If the blog post of my Near Death doesn't appear, I'll send it up again.]

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

from 20 years ago

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout