Small Town Therapist on a Wealth of Sisters

Mom, me and Sally's daughter Naomi's wedding

Only the heart knows how to find what is precious.             Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I am the lucky recipient of four sisters. In so many ways my sisters have enriched my life.  In addition to liking and loving each other we also, handed down from our parents, all sing and play music together. What could be better? Well, sharing food. And we do, oh, those meals!

Is this a family reunion or a beauty contest?             a fellow therapist's remark to me.

This was a remark by a friend, when I expressed a bit of anxiety, many years ago about an upcoming family reunion and how I looked. Cracks me up now because it was when I was in my early forties and looking pretty good, but the slight insecurities cropped up and I verbalized them to a therapist friend. This was not the norm for me but is, sadly in many families, lots of insecurities then fostered by unkindness.  In some families what remains in the sisters memories and traditions is a series of competitions among themselves and sometimes for attention from the parents. This is has been less true for me. I, frankly, was kind of an oblivious child and things sailed swiftly over my head. Awash in my own thoughts, it did not occur to me to see my siblings as competition. I am saddened when I hear people complain about their siblings. They suffer with either difficult sisters or ones that they have literally nothing in common except mutual antagonism. In truth what they are really suffering from is the sense that they can only be great, lovable, respected if they declare themselves "better than".

My sisters are all kind and loving and are incredibly important to me and have shaped my world. As a matter of fact, my first memories are not of my parents or grandparents but of my first artistic endeavor involving my older sister Sally. We were only five and three years old, happy to be in our new big bedroom. Our mother had hired painters to paint the upstairs bedrooms in our new house. My sister Sally, in a fit of inspiration, got our crayons and together we drew "ghosts" all over our newly painted bedroom walls. [See how I cleverly blame Sally]...Our mother was less than enchanted. Despite the fallout, I still fondly remember the sheer delight and expansiveness that I felt drawing on those walls. A million years later when we were recalling that blessed event our mother said, "I foolishly had the men come back and repaint the walls, and now that I look back on it I regret that I did that. Who cares? it was funny and cute." This is also the sister who, when at age two I dropped scissors out the window of our second floor apartment window. Sally, age four, picked me up and held me out the window by my ankles to see where the scissors had fallen. According to the story told by my mother, the woman in the apartment across the way from us, saw this daring feat and was so upset she had to stay home from work that day. Sally didn't drop me.

Sally's never dropped me and she and her whole family have remained very dear to me in my life. Sally and her family moved to the Northwest in 1969 and we found that the holidays were especially wonderful when our families combined. The holiday we most treasured was Thanksgiving. For more than thirty years either Milici's would make the two ferry, seven hour car trip to our house or we would do the same to their house. [The reality: if we'd been fabulously wealthy and could have flown the lot of us--- the trip was approximately 25 minutes by plane. We weren't wealthy.] 

The stories of these Thanksgivings are so sweet to me. We'd arrive at Sally and Dirk's house and sometimes the husbands would construct the dinner table. Another memorable time, there was an incredible snowstorm that only the young and fool hearty would tackle, [yes and yes to us], and we arrived having driven at 20 MPH around a long,long Lake Crescent where the trees were so burdened with snow they bent over into the road. Gloriously beautiful and terribly nerve wracking. Another Thanksgiving our teenage sons were bored and desperate to play chess. Once they located the chess board they couldn't find the chess pieces so they made all of the chess pieces out of cardboard. Good determination! Amazing what one can do when one is desperate.

It is well to have as many holds upon happiness as possible.               Jane Austen

Next in line of sisters is Trisha. We loved nothing better that getting up on a Saturday morning and seeing if we could dress as twins. Though she is two years younger Trisha was average sized and I was/am a shrimp so it was possible. [My mother used to look at me, sizing me up, and say, "I don't know what happened to you."] I am going to gloss over all the times I teased Trisha because when we did get along it was always adventuresome and fun. And I did eventually mature.  As we got older Trisha whose then husband used to travel to the National Guard for training in the summers would come from Chicago to the west to visit us. I was forever grateful. This enabled us to bond as mothers with our little children. She was always daring and willing. Once she traveled to the NW to see me and sister Chin and our families with all three kids under the age of six. Then her kids got sick as she was about to fly home. Trisha had the delightful experience of traveling with three kids under the age of six on the airplanes with colds and diarrhea. Adventure in the worst way.

Funny how life is. When I decided to write about how lucky I am to have these sisters,  I remembered I had to hop on my bike and ride to town for a lunch date. First stop was the post office where I had a package ready for pick up. The wrapped package was way to big for my bike so I had to open it. Lo and behold, my darling sister Trisha had sent some treasures: four journals written by our mother from the '60's to one year before her death; a Jane Austen action figure; and silver tongs for extracting sugar cubes [or holding one's nose?]. I was just able to squeeze all the contents in my pannier and rode on that  brisk sunny day to lunch with my friends. I took great delight in showing my friends the trove Trisha had sent. Out of one of the journals was library receipts. We especially got a kick out of what Mom did in her quirky way. She made notes on her library receipts about each of the books she'd read. Examples, "No!". "Good dialogue and characters". "Very odd"...etc.

Trisha and I at the Art Institute 

Now with the addition of the guitar workshop that Sally, Trisha and I go to each summer we have grown closer still and have fun in a creative environment. There is a student concert and each of us writes and performs our work. One year Trisha's song was not only praised by the teachers but also asked if she would agree to make a recording of it. These teachers were all pros or semi pros in the music industry. Quite an honor. Sally's "Time Will Tell" album and her performance of that piece was well received and sung enthusiastically by all in attendance at her student performance.

Part of the Grout, Hu, McClure tribe

It wasn't until I got married and moved to Northwest coast that I became closer to the younger sisters. Our family was divided into the older girls:  Sally, me and Trisha; then younger ones: Chin, Kathleen and Bobby. As we grew up there wasn't much interest on my part for playing games with the little ones when they were four, six and eight years younger. But as it turned out, my sister Chin moved with her two kids to our town and we began a new relationship and were in constant contact. We were mutually supportive of each other through the trials and tribulations in our late twenties and thirties. Chin produced four children two of whom live here today with their girls and it is great to be surrounded by family. Also I have the privilege of being close to my nephews and nieces who handily lived nearby. To my delight Chin has become a well regarded member of our small town especially in the affordable homes community, a musician and as an artist. She has even played the banjo and sung her original housing song in front of a Congressional committee on Affordable Homes.  Chin's a banjo aficionado and we have great fun playing together on an irregular basis.

Kathleen and me

On a sadder note, my youngest sister Kathleen died of a heart attack in April of 2019. It was so difficult to lose that funny vibrant little sister.

Although we'd only see each other sometimes as infrequently as once a year my talented, sweet little sister Kathleen was a phone call away. We'd discuss great and grave problems, trade tidbits of information on our families and share what adventures Kathleen and her family were off to next. One year she came with Sally, Trisha and I to guitar camp and she blew the roof off the joint in her student performance. Kathleen choose to play "Afro Blue" by John Coltrane and everyone was stunned by her excellent guitar and singing. I was so proud. In addition Kathleen was an artist of note. My brother in law Steve Grout, professor at a Textiles and Science institute, appraised her work and was so impressed he gave her high praise and encouragement. I still, achingly miss that dear sister.

 burying Mom

Here's an example of our joint efforts. Our mother died 2010  and her wish was that we scatter her ashes. No problem. Scatter them around Dad's grave. Ah, something of a problem, not sure if it was quite kosher at the cemetery. So we clandestinely entered the cemetery with our trowels, tiny rakes and the ashes. We dug around Dad's head stone and sneakily spread the ashes.

Above in the picture are Trisha, Sally, me and Kathleen at the scene of the crime. We never skulked through the cemetery where we placed some of Mom's ashes around Dad's tombstone we even brazenly had a small picnic. Shhh! Mom would have gotten a great kick out of us.

The photo below is of all the sibs plus niece Katie singing the Mass at Mom's memorial. The other photo is Sally, Trisha and I enroute to Guitar Camp.

I want to add, if you have a sibling that you cherish, contact them today. You never know how long they'll be around to love.

We especially love to go to Guitar camp ! together.


susansmagicfeather 2024  Susan R. Grout 

singing at Mom's Memorial