Boundaries Part Two: Remedies and Solutions

Supposing someone said to you, "guard this property with your life!" and then left you standing out in the middle of a field without a clue as to exactly where the boundaries are. That, my friends, is what it's like for many adults. They truly don't know where their personal or others boundaries are. They can't draw the line, because they don't know where the line is and so it makes their life and human interactions a bit difficult.   


An easy example of how problems develop with drawing the line and boundaries can be illustrated with dogs. Dogs that are trained with love, kindness, respect and patience tend to be "good" dogs. Dogs that are trained with brutality, neglect or abandonment are either whimpering neurotic messes [weak boundaries, withdrawn and fearful] or aggressive dangerous threats to all [rigid boundaries, violating others and nasty]. I realize this is fairly simplistic, but if you apply this to human children, [read the above substituting the word children for dogs]  you more or less get the same results. 

Below is a list of solutions for people who have either weak boundaries or the people whose boundaries are too rigid.

                WEAK BOUNDARIES                                            RIGID BOUNDARIES

• accept nervousness when you speak the truth         learn to be flexible
• pay attention to your gut                                              respect other's wishes
• tell the truth and run                                                     accept "no" from others
• ask for what you need                                                    back off when asked
• let go of other's feelings                                                  stop using fear to manipulate
• explore the roots of your weaknesses                          explore the roots of the rigidity
• enlist a support group                                                     enlist a support group
• align your self with positive people                               become more open minded
• consider therapy                                                              consider therapy
• put your responses on hold                                            let go of instant gratification
• correct errors                                                                   learn to admit being wrong
• give answers that are assertive                                    respect others limits
• accept some conflict in relationships                             listen to honest feedback
• set limits                                                                            pay attention to others ideas
• get a spine, stick up for yourself                                    stop using anger to control others
• don't just keep the peace                                                accept ambiguity
• accept gray areas of interaction                                     accept gray areas of interaction
• change is good, growth too                                              change is good, growth too
• be loving and good to yourself                                        be generous and loving to others.

Summing up the above list, it becomes obvious that people who are the boundary violators rule the roost with fear, intimidation or inducing guilt in their relationships. People who are compliant and have weak boundaries tend to be fearful, insecure and seemingly unable to stand up for themselves. This is where the gut comes in handy: if it feels uncomfortable pay attention to your body.  If you feel fearful remember that there is no fear in a loving relationship. Remember too love diverts fear and encourages calm, tender emotions. If the person that you love is constantly invoking fear, and making you feel guilty, remember there is a simple solution to this complex problem: tell them to knock it off or you'll leave.

Here's some good sentences that you can use on people that are trying to control you with fear, intimidation or guilt: 

• I'm sorry you feel that way
• I have a different opinion 
• let me clarify my position
• I choose not to live that way
• You know how I feel about your anger
• Call me when you've calmed down
• If this is a tug of war, I'm dropping the rope
• I accept this is difficult for you but this is not OK with me
• I'm leaving now, call when you can talk rationally about this

I've dealt with so many couples where the extremes of boundaries underlies their issues. Because of my personality, I like to use humor, whenever respectful and possible, to lighten up tense situations. This interaction often works."How old do you feel when you're cringing in that chair? How old do you feel when you are puffing out your chest?"  Both parties end up laughing at the absurdity of their behavior which, if you examine it, is mostly childish. 

Back to those dogs I wrote about at the beginning of this post. Is there any hope for them [or the children who have been abused and mistreated]? The answer is a definitive yes. 

Long ago I read a study by Martin Seligman, et.al in which they purposefully induced neurosis in dogs trying to prove their theory that helplessness can be taught. They had these poor dogs in a cage, on a metal grid and would intermittently shock them until the dogs became shambling, shaking, pathetic creatures laying down in the bottom of the cages awaiting the next shock. Horrible!

Happily for the dogs these scientists were kind human beings who felt it wasn't right to leave them in this state. After the experiment concluded---which proved that intermittent shocks, like  many rough blows in life, could indeed induce "learned helplessness"---they decided to see if they could reverse the curse. Here's what they did.  They used sausages as rewards and they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages." And that's how change is born, with rewards either external or internal. 

People who are raised in those extremely poor environments can and do recover every day. It takes diligence, discipline and a good dose of support from loved ones including a professional. They can learn to either shore up their boundaries or become more tolerant and flexible. Reverse the curse, get out of the cage and live a life with less fear, that is more rewarding with better boundaries.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved