Feminism and Churches

Is There Any Hope for the Pope?

Ah, the Pope he wears a dress-
says he'll excommunicate
any fag who's in drag
for in his position
it's competition
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the pope he lives alone-
peons serve him on a plate,
condemns all women from his throne,
for to him it's chillin'
if any woman is willin'
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope who lives alone-
has no women near his throne
so no female can ever bother
this very holey father
says it's Mary he adores
[though we've heard this all before]
and he's attempting to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope he's never married,
disgusting thing to procreate,
children, babies make him harried,
though he needs them for his coffers
since there are no other offers
to get all the gold he can hold
and you're learning his true feelings.
Susan R. Grout               1995

A big question today, as it has been for centuries: what happened to women in all religions of the world? Why is it almost every major religion's policy is to exclude women from all the important functions of the churches? How can any level headed female today participate in a church which, for all practical purposes, shuns them because of their sex? From Muslims, to Jews, to Catholics to Baptists to Mormons, to name just a few, the treatment of women in their teachings and rules is frankly humiliating and in my mind, laughable.

Until very recently no woman was allowed on the altar in the Catholic churches, no altar girls. This has changed but priests are still not allowed to marry as if being intimate with a woman somehow makes the priest unclean. My own sainted Mother used to say, "if they allowed priests to marry they'd fill all those empty pews." She was right. And even though the Episcopalians have allowed women ministers for over a decade, and married clergy, I'm thinking they've not come to ruin.

My conclusion is that the men in charge are afraid. But of what? That women will bleed on their altar? That women will be unwilling to follow the rules that fosters misogyny and lets females be treated as second class citizens? Laughable.

What is not laughable is one sad statistic: 99% of the pedophilia in the churches is caused by men. I know that the Catholic church has gotten all of the publicity and lawsuits about the pedophiles, but truth be told, there are an equal number of pedophiles in all major religions, [see the list above] especially the ones that are fundamentalist and oppressive in their attitudes towards women. What all of the sexual predators in these hierarchies of the churches have in common is their sex: male. So remind me, why aren't women playing a bigger part in the hierarchy of these churches?

I realize that even though it is purported that the churches are all about spiritual values in fact they are also about power and money. This fact cries out for overseers.
Just as it is important for us to be electing more women in our country that is increasingly being less sympathetic to families of the poor, we also should be actively recruiting women as watchdogs in our churches. If these men want to keep the power in churches, they need to have check and balances. A good check for the males in power is to have someone of the opposite sex that can keep tabs on the emotional well being of their churches. This I realize is a grand fantasy on my part, but hey it's my blog.

So, is there any hope for the Pope?  I would bring back a Pope John the XXIII, the jolly one who opened the churches and gave everyone the go ahead for a friendlier church, more about love than money. Is there any hope for this Pope, a former Nazi
and one who doesn't recognize that value of condoms even when there is very real danger of a woman getting AIDS from her husband?  At this point, no. The Holy Father, that's really laughable.

Dante Gabriel Rossitti's St. Joan of Arc

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Third Chair

In this case the third chair was for me

I had three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.

Henry David Thoreau

I have many, many chairs. So many that we recently gave away eight or more to friends, relatives and the Salvation Army, [my favorite kind of army]. This feels pertinent right now because I am in need of the third chair. After four days I am still trapped at the end of our country road with no hope of any society for at least two more days. Happily for me I have grown fond of my solitude and my home that's being organization and cleaned. At this rate I will even be filing the papers in my in- basket. Horrors.

Many psychologists contend that your personality is basically set in stone by the time you're two years old. In our family we're mostly extroverts. I'm one of six kids and I'm not shy, never have been. I'm also fond of saying "I have three siblings that make me look shy." These day that sentence could be revised because it is more like four siblings that make me look shy. As I age I have become more introverted, and quieter. This isn't supposed to happen. I think this is because my husband lives elsewhere and I listen for a living.

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?      Jean-Jaques Rousseau  

As any of you know that are following the blog, I am snowed in and no hope of company for a couple more days. I desire company, or society as Thoreau would say and since I have none I have gone about making my home and my cat my company. But I find I need more. So what has happened that partially filled that third chair is my dear friend Meg has called me every day, sometimes twice daily and requested when I took off on my cross country skis to feed the horses or to just jaunt on down the road that I call her back to say I survived. I loved that. Being the independent sort this never occurred to me as a safety measure as well as a pleasure having to check in with a friend.

I learned from Meg and I started to do my own call out, and though it doesn't replace the company of a warm human body, it is comforting. Both sons, my daughter in laws, the grand kids, sisters all heard from me. Naturally I was also in constant touch with my husband as he was a bit worried about me. "Never fear, I thrive in the isolation as long as I have my cat, my books, food, water" I said. What I learned in addition was the value and importance of the voices from the other end of the phone.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 susan r. grout all rights reserved

   

White Out

Real difficulties can be overcome it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.                                    Theodore Roosevelt

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.          
                                                             John R. Miller

It is white outside. When I woke this morning it was snowing so hard it could have been called a white out. I am like a child about the snow, I want to be out there frolicking. I want to build snowmen, snowballs, sled, ski and romp like a puppy. I can't today, I'm still sick with my laryngitis and know it would be foolish. Well, perhaps only a small walk, but then maybe my cross country skiing...

I talked with my husband this morning and told him "I'm going to ski the mile out to our truck [see yesterday's post on The Balancing Act] and put on the chains so I can drive to town." "Don't do anything dumb or dangerous," he said and I replied, "dumb and dangerous are my middle names." Made me laugh and hey, I try every day to be aware and amused, right?

I've been on 'overload worry' today. First, I called Mr. G's office and his secretary told me he was at the doctor's office "because yesterday he was complaining of pains in his left arm." Ugh. That hit me right in the heart. Here I am stuck with half of a foot of snow, sixty miles, snowy icy miles, between me and my love. Not the best feeling I've ever had.

Next my doctor called me to tell me my blood results were still funny [not ha-ha] and I need to see a specialist. Seems like overkill to me when my only symptom is excessive burping---seriously.

A bit later, I got a call from my neighbor and she needed the horses fed an extra time because of the extreme weather. So I did strap on my skis and skied down to the barn. After wrestling with the hay, and providing them with some water, I decided to take a small jaunt down the road. The wind was howling, the drifts were 2 feet in some places and I didn't get very far, but I needed to do that. It was so clear and white and fresh, it cleared my head. I turned back after going only half a mile because it was ardous. So much for my bravado of "I'm going to ski the mile and back to our truck." Ha, one fourth that distance in this weather was enough for me.

Finally Mr. G called back and indeed he was at the Doctor's clinic getting throughly checked out but quickly added, "everything looks fine so far." He's having more tests  Friday and won't be home until Saturday. Good thing for two reasons. One I want to stop worrying about him and applaud the tests and two, I can't get to the truck to pick him up on Friday with these snowy conditions.

I managed to have a very good day. I made Crunch Cookies and a fabulous bread, I skiied, I played the guitar, I made "snow cream" [snow with maple syrup and cream]. It's night now and I've enjoyed my time writing to you in this blog dear reader, you are good company. Now I'm going to write in my journal, watch a movie, read my book and then to bed. Do I know how to live and show myself a great time, or what?

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Balancing Act

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.        Plato

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.  Victor Hugo

The very balanced and well loved Rufus T. Firefly

Time and the lush gift of being able to spend the day the way I want, adds a certain sparkle to life. I'm the most fortunate of women because I enjoy this gift quite frequently. For some this can only happen with retirement, for others of us it can happen every day, especially those of us who love our jobs, our families, our friends, our pets, our dwelling and ourselves. I'm not going to pretend that this is my blissful state each day because life has a funny habit of throwing enormous kinks into what we desire--to have everything go our way.

This weekend would be an example of that. I always cherish time with my husband because he's only home for the weekends and lives in another city during the week. So we have a lovely homecoming. We usually start off having a great meal and time to talk face to face and enjoy each other's company over good food. That got disrupted abruptly when my niece, called to say "the brand new baby [my great niece] and her parents were on their way to the emergency room off island." Zoom, I packed a bag. While I was anxiously awaiting whether we were going to be on the next ferry, I made dinner.

Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.     Benjamin Franklin

When I'm upset, I cook. Something simple? No, never. I cook something complex enough that I have to pay rapt attention to what I'm doing. [In this case it was a prawn fettuccine with a lovely cream, wine, herb sauce plus blanched and then cooked green beans with a garlic butter reduction.] Crazy? Well, for others, it works for me to roar back to the here and now. Very Zen. I wish I could report that along with this intensity of cooking which absorbed me that I was as lovely to my mate as the dish I was concocting. Sadly, not so. Can't have everything: he got a great meal but a very troubled, preoccupied spouse. Happily for me he is patient, tolerant and not easily offended. Oh, and he loves me unconditionally. He is remarkable in that he does well in the tempests of life, some of which I create. Somehow he manages despite his bifurcated life to keep things in perspective, in balance.

Know thyself.   Plato

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.        Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have learned through a lot of hard internal and external work to create a  more balanced life. As I think I have explained in previous posts I believe that there is a continuum of people's reactions to life. Some are like calm Labs, some like amped up terriers. I'm tend to be more of the terrier variety so I continually work toward serenity and a peaceful attitude. I know myself: I'm hypersensitive to gore, violence, misogynists, racism, cruelty to animals and people, exploitation of the poor, weak and underprivileged. So I really limit the news, and topical information. I can read it, but it is hard to listen to though I do to keep myself informed. I stopped watching network news when Ronald Reagan got re-elected. [I still contend he had Alzheimer's throughout his second term.] This helps me to cope with the counseling practice by not overloading my ears and eyes. Mr. G always enjoys it when I go away because he rents movies I'd never consider watching, usually they have war in the title. War and gore-- I'm against it.

Though I was prepared for any eventuality that week end, I didn't have to go off island to the emergency room. Sadly, the baby ended up at Children's Orthopedic. We are all still very concerned but she couldn't be in better hands. Letting go is easier when the experts are handling things.

Enviable balance takes loads of practice

You have to study a great deal to know a little.  Charles de Secondat

Just today my balance got tested again, this time by a snow storm. I'm in the country, only three measly miles from town and I'm from Chicago, use to driving in the snow. So seeing as there were only a couple of inches of snow at my house, I set out. My road became increasingly snowy [6" or so] but I figured it was too late and near impossible to turn back. "Wish that I had thrown the chains into the truck" I muttered as I drove along the gorgeous road at 4 MPH. I made it up the first hill congratulating myself all the way and then when I was gently driving down the second steep hill, behold! an enormous truck was stuck at the bottom. I had to put on my brakes and yes, I did go skidding into the ditch. However, it was my great luck that with that enormous truck, helping the driver, was the local tow truck and its friendly owner. Instead of getting mad or frustrated ["I would've made it if he hadn't been in the way..."] I jumped out of the truck and promptly slipped on the snow and landed on my hip. More Lucille Ball than ballerina, I picked myself up and gave into the inevitable. I walked uphill for a signal and contacted all my clients, explained what happened, and canceled all of the appointments. Then I kibitzed with the tow truck owner [which I'm sure he really enjoyed], and he easily extricated my truck from the ditch, parking it by our mailboxes near the main road. Problem solved.

Perhaps maturity has raised it's ugly head. [I certainly hope so--I'm in my sixties.] The truck in the ditch, didn't phase me one bit. I have laryngitis today and probably should have canceled my clients anyway. But I'm stubborn and determined. If I give my word I'll be somewhere, I show up. Since I couldn't show up I walked the mile home to my house in the breathtakingly beautiful snow. A day at home with my cat, books, hot chocolate and soup, watching the snow pile up. Not too bad. It's going to be a good day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Who Cares---The Double Entendre of Faith

My country is the world and my religion is to do good.         Thomas Paine

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church---
I keep it, staying at Home---
With a Bobolink for a Chorister---
And an Orchard, for a Dome.            Emily Dickinson

My business is rather humbling. Because psychotherapy deals with people and all their complexities, you can never know everything. I continually self educate: I have taught and taken hundreds of workshops, I regularly read books, journals and psychological articles. I have worked for over thirty years in this field and in this small town so I know the people and the quirkiness of living on islands. I am not a specialist, rather a generalist with an eclectic style. So I have a good deal of experience and have accumulated some knowlege. And yet, and yet, there is this quality of mystery as to how and why the counseling I do with my clients works. I can give you guesses and usually end up asking the clients, "how do you think we're doing?" or "what was the most meaningful or successful part of our therapy"? Most of the time I have internally guessed correctly, but sometimes what works is really beyond me. It is as though there is this 'synergistic other' equation that comes into play, in addition to the client and myself. If that sounds too 'woo-woo' I'm sorry. It happens and it is part of my belief system. In the 12 Step venacular it's "a power greater than myself."

To know what you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease.      Lao-tzu

One time, years ago, I was working with a man whose dear uncle had been murdered in another state. He was going to the funeral and wanted to prepare and to vent. "I need to read you what I've written to see if it's OK." Since his family was connected to a Plains Indian Tribe where the ceremony was being held, he put his thoughts down as a prayer/poem. As he read the poem he had tears in his eyes and I happened to glance out the window where something was happening. "I hate to interrupt," I said, "but you've got to see what's going on out there." By the window flew first eagles, then came hawks, and then I looked at him and said, "I think you are witnessing a fly-by." He said, "the eagle is the totem animal of my uncle and mine is the hawk." That folks, is something you can't explain and I didn't try. I still get goose bumps thinking about it.

Another time a woman who had recently lost her job, taken a medication for high blood pressure and had a very bad reaction. She was feeling "out of balance" and kept talking about it during the session. Then, and I swear this is true, out the window I saw a seagull land on the top of the telephone pole in the alley. No big deal, right? Right. Until a second seagull landed on the back of the first one on the pole. Again I stopped my client and said, "you've got to see this." She said, "now, there is some balancing act." We laughed at the goofy gulls. She figured out she had to ask for help sooner, due to that gull not to me. And the best part: I still got paid.

I want to be the change agent, the ticket agent to an improved life that is richer and fuller than the one they brought to me. The opportunity is always there to help my clients change their lives for the better or, at a minimum, slog through a difficult situation more easily. Sometimes no matter what magic tricks I have in my hat, their situation may not improve. People get dread diseases and die, friends or partners betray them, the business goes belly up.  This brings frustration and sometimes sadness into my life, no matter how evolved I am at letting go of their problems. And when this happens I turn to my church which has infinite height and vast width and enormous depth: the great outdoors. I walk or ride my bike and I say my form of prayers for whoever I'm worried about or whoever's heart is breaking. This helps me and I want to believe that it helps them too. God knows.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Whys and the Wise of Loving Animals

                         One darling granddaughter pampering one lucky kitten

                       A fabulous spirit and friend, Rufus in his tuxedo regalia

You see before you two charming examples of pets that on a daily basis bring joy to their humans. The top one is Cashew and the bottom is my cat Rufus. Both are males and divine, very cuddly cats. The illusion that we all have, we that love our pets, is that to them we are gods and goddesses. We elevate our own status by this assumption and since I am hedging my bets I am the bestower of all things good and kind to Rufus while he is still gracing me with his presence.

Rufus is fourteen years old now and an indoor/outdoor cat. My history, of the cats that I've owned indicates that he will probably live a mere four more years if I'm lucky. I got him many months after the sad demise of the beloved Boo Boo [see post "Be Careful What You Ask For" in April]. Rufus's Mommie had been killed when he was only three weeks old. Someone brought him and his brother to the Animal Shelter where they lovingly bottle fed him. He is a lover, probably due to his unusual upbringing.  From the start, Rufus has given me so much more than I can ever give him. He greets me at the truck when I drive in, honking for him to come [and he does!]. Rufus is an absolute sweetheart with children, patiently letting them pet him and then licking them in return. They practically swoon with delight. He rarely meows except when he wants to go out or after I have been away on a trip, scolding me for not being around. He sits behind me on my chair when I eat my meals and purrs. He is the epitome of politeness, never begging for food, though this may have more to do with the fact that the only food he'll ever eat is kibble. Makes it easy for me to let him roam free, because remarkably, he doesn't kill birds or small animals; he is that fussy about his food.

I never liked you--not one bit.
When I licked your face,
I thought of biting off your nose.
Billy Collins   The Revenant

So this devotion that we assign to our pets may just be an illusion as Billy Collins pointed out in his very funny poem. However that ignores the pets who have preformed incredible and heroic acts at their own peril for their owners. So I am going to state that the affection that especially the dog and cats feels for their owner is genuine. So there Billy. I even knew a woman who's cat woke her out of a sound sleep when there was a fire in her apartment building. Self preservation, perhaps, but the cat could have escaped via the cat door and instead woke up her owner.

I am fairly sure that Rufus will be my last pet. I want to travel with my husband who is going to retire fairly soon. That Rufus is properly cared for when I am gone, concerns me greatly. I've worked out an arrangement with friends and relatives, yet I worry that someone will forget and neglect him. So, when he kicks the bucket I will restrain myself and not replace him.

As a therapist I know that many studies have stated that owning a pet is good for your health. I am all about anything that is good for a client's health. The studies show that the pets presence lowers a person's heart rate and blood pressure. Recently, hospitals have taken to employing therapy pets to bring comfort to acute cases. I know that when I'm blue and hurting there is nothing like my tuxedo cat to comfort me. 

However, just as I never encourage a couple to divorce, I also learned, the hard way, never to encourage a client to acquire a pet. Once, many years ago working with a very lonely woman, I  made the suggestion, "why don't you get a pet to help assuage your loneliness?" Her best friend and roommate had fallen in love and she was in a new town, knowing no one and her friend was constantly gone from the house. When I innocently suggested, "how about a pet?" I pictured her running to our local animal shelter and picking out a charming dog or a loveable kitten. The next session she came in and announced, "well I got a pet!" "Wonderful" I said, "what did you get?" "A horse!" "Oh, how nice, I wasn't aware that you had acreage." "Well, I don't and my roommate is furious that we have this horse in our back yard." Needless to say this provoked all kinds of problems which were eventually resolved when she finally donated the horse to the local 4H group. Needless to say that was the last time I suggested getting a pet as a good solution to resolving loneliness.

But secretly I do believe that everyone should have a pet or three in their lives. They bring such comfort and joy and there are so many homeless pets available. Tis the season people! So contrary to the above paragraph, I hope that if you don't have a pet you will consider owning one. Granted the pet may not be as fabulous as Rufus, but you never know...

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Recovering Quickly from Trauma

Mr. G and I enjoying each other at the beach

About to express a humble opinion with sister Kath

Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.

Doris Mortman

One woman can change anything. Many women can change everything.    Statement from Women for Women International

As a joke to my clients I say, "it's my humble opinion" and then tell them something that is definitely an opinion, not sure how humble it is. Nothing is more fun than having a good time with people, especially when they are unprepared for lightheartedness. People come to counseling with an anticipation of dread. So to ease their concerns, I always say, "you don't have to walk barefoot through broken glass to recover from old hurts and traumas." Unfortunately, this is not always true especially in the cases of profound loss. However, people dread rehashing terrible events in their lives and one way to avoid re traumatizing them is to use less invasive methods to resolve those traumatic events.

EMDR
Many years ago, as early as 1992, I started to read articles in my scientific journals that reported quick cures for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Naturally, having worked with trauma victims, I was highly skeptical and scoffed as I read. However, being a minimalist and leaning toward brief therapy in my practice I thought I'd give it a try. So I signed up and went to a workshop.

EMDR is the acronym for 'eye movement desensitization and reprocessing'. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it. Francine Shapiro who discovered this method while working with the wounded warriors from Vietnam. She was walking across campus and noticed that when she was troubled if she moved her eyes while thinking about the problem, her mood improved and she felt clearer. I'm imagining she said "what the hey".  Since many of these men had intractable PTSD, "I might as well try to relieve their suffering in a shorter amount of time, and try the eye movement theory". Long story short, it work remarkably well. Then she developed a protocol and started to teach others. I was among one of the first others.

At first the workshop leaders tried to scare us into being rather rigid with their protocol and I was fairly faithful in the first several months. All that changed when I went to a study group with other psychotherapists interested in practicing the EMDR method we were taught. I quickly discovered when we paired off and I worked on trauma from my own past, that the entire format for me was cumbersome. Another discovery was that sometimes really excellent results were available without going through the entire protocol. "I see the light", I said, just like Jim Belushi in "The Blues Brothers" without the church or the back flips. 

After the clients described their trauma and described their feelings surrounding that trauma, I would do a series of taps on their knees, or moving my hand in front of their eyes to make the eyes beat a la REM sleep. The technique depended on the person and how I perceived they would respond best. Some people don't like to be touched, some people find the eye movement uncomfortable, so the technique really depends on the individual's style. Next, I'd get feedback from the client to see how to proceed. After that I'd ask them to rate their distress [called the "SUDS" scale, subjective units of distress]. If the results were good,  and they felt amazingly better,  I'd ask them how they'd like to feel about the problem. Usually the clients came up with some fairly good ideas and solutions and if not, back we'd go delving into the distressing problem. I've used my method for years with great results.

Ever the questioner, I read about a method of getting rid of phobias, TFT, which again sounded like fiction. You guessed it, I signed up for a workshop sponsored by Group Health no less, giving some credence to what sounded like hokum. [Another post from March 28, "Having Fun With Phobias" will give you a very detailed explanation of this method.]

TFT is the acronym for Thought Field Therapy. I ask you, how do they come up with these names. Anyway what I learned was again learned best on myself. They asked for volunteers to show off the method of TFT. "Does anyone have a phobia that they would like to get rid of?" said the instructor. "Ha," I thought "I don't have any phobias." The first volunteer was a young woman who was afraid of heights. "Oh, that fear..." Anyway, we learned the protocol which is interestingly based on acupressure points and it worked in short order on me. Erasing in less than an hour a 38 year fear of heights.

As I might have mentioned in the 3/28 post I've had great success ridding people of their phobias. The hardest ones to let go of are fear of snakes. Why? If I was an anthropologist I'd suggest that evolutionally speaking we needed that fear to survive, as we were up in trees with the snakes. Also, people who grew up in places where poisonious snakes dwell have very good reason to be fearful.

Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance, to choose one's own way.          Viktor E. Frankl

One of the things that I have tried to address in my practice is this: people can recover from really horrible situations. Will they be affected forever by the awful events, yes, but the degree to which they can bring some joy and peace into their lives can definitely be improved. Counseling is just one way. Sometimes people rely on their faith, their church, their families and friends to recover from traumatic events. I often refer to Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. In the book he describes his incarceration in a concentration camp during WWII and how he survived and who best survived the Holocaust. They, the Nazi's took everything away from the Jews, even their bodily hair, but they couldn't take away their attitude. Attitude and choices and joy is what the best therapy works on. Choose each day to notice your freedom and find joy. Celebrate the best of the human spirit, love and love again.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

New Friends/ Old Friends

Judy and I have been friends since we were three years old



Meg, faithful, dear friend and Scrabble buddy, not our most flattering shot



Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.             Girl Scout camp circa 1956

All of my life I have been blessed with loving, wonderful people. I know this intimately by way of hearing all of the horror stories in my work. Hence I feel quadruply blessed. I value my family of origin, then I treasure my sons and their families, and also my big extended family and finally I dearly love my friends. Since I have written extensively about my family I would like to include my friends.


Here are Judy, Terry, Liz and Meg for our Christmas luncheon

 Who knows or can predict who's going to be your friend? You'd think the most important factor would be "things we have in common" and yet in my life that's not always proven to be the case. For example, when I first moved to this small town I had two little boys and of course didn't know a soul.  I needed some adult friends, so I joined an art class, thinking, "my entire family are artists, surely that will give me a starting base." Our first class assignment was to use our 'Inkle Looms' to create something that "pleased us". Another woman in the class, Colleen and I looked at each other and shrugged. The next week at class we were to exhibit our creations. First up was K. who wove an object d'art. Truly, it was spectacular: brown, grey and tan naturally dyed wool, woven with feathers, lichen and a madrona stick as a frame. I looked at Colleen and she looked at me and we put our heads down to supress giggles. The teacher asked, "who's next?" and several others showed their wares while Colleen almost at the same time said "we've forgotten ours at home." We raced out of the class laughing our heads off and agreed to go on a walk later.

That walk and that laughter has continued for over thirty five years. Our lives have contrasts, such as, I have this huge family, whereas Colleen's is small and she never had children. Then there are the commonalities: neither of us is artistic per se but both of us love crafts. Colleen's canvas is her gorgeous organic garden, her hand made soaps and lotions. Mine is my writing, cooking and knitting. We both love books and quiet walks. Colleen is quite the hiker and also reads all of the classics each year, going letter by letter through the alphabet. All you have to do is ask her, "what letter are you on?" she'll say, "I'm on G and am reading Gogol's Dead Souls" or "I'm on Z and reading Zola's Madame Bovary". She will then go on to critique and we'll have a lively discussion.  It's quite educational and fun to talk books with her. I believe her self education could go toe to toe with anyone's Master's degree in literature.

K and I, on the other hand, seemed to have a great deal in common, especially our children, our age, our mutual friends and yet, and yet, the friendship never gelled. Actually, as I write this I can clearly see now that Colleen and I had a great deal more in common, proven over the long run, whereas K and I, not so much. The bigger question is how did I know this at the age of 27? Colleen, by the way, was 19.

One clue for lasting and satisfying friendships is the degree of comfort with that person. Trying too hard doesn't make it in the long run, nor does an air of competitiveness--- that just yields tension.  Who wants a friendship that is tainted by tension? Not me. This is not to suggest that you can't recover from an argument. Only last week I had some disagreement with a dear friend which we talked out on the phone. And still, something gnawed at me after we said, "we're OK". So I stewed on it for half the morning. A therapist friend once told me, "if something's gnawing at you, gnaw back". So, a bit later, I made a run for town and stopped by her office. I apologized for sounding snippish on the phone and she went on to describe the truly awful week she had. We hugged and it was so worth it to get beyond the uncomfortable feeling.

 At Sarah's Wedding

Another plus is keeping the old friends who know your history and love you anyway. My dear friend Theresa and I have been through a lot together. She is the 'go to' fun person and until she moved from our small town the best friend anyone could imagine. We laugh at the same things, have the same energy, like to do the identical things and our kids were best friends. She will always hold a special place in my heart.




 Katie, Liz and I over looking Deception Pass

 Lastly, I want to make a pitch for new friends. Several years ago, I reconnected with an old friend, Karen who is a master at making new friends. I kind of hitched my bicycle to her and developed some good new friends. It is fabulous fun to be with a bike riding group, we have taken four long, 100 mile weekend together everyone was terrific. Now, in addition to also going to Pot Lucks again [!] and meeting other new friends, Liz, one of the bikers and I are going to explore Opera in depth with the aid of a course. You see, things can grow and change if you are open to the new and changeably oriented. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Small Town Therapist On Beauty

It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.                                                        Raymond Chandler

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.                                                            Phyllis Diller

Sometimes I wonder, why it's so hard for gorgeous women to age? My immediate guess is when someone, man or a woman is very attractive, their temptation is to freeze in place. They want to keep forever those moments when all heads turn as they enter a room. Studies show that the truly beautiful get more positive attention than those of us who are more average in the looks department. It must becomes like a drug, craving the constant attention and admiration. Now with the additions of Botox, fillers and surgery it is possible to extend that period, and to literally freeze the face in place. Frankly I can spot most facial surgeries at ten paces, can you also?

Am I saying that I believe that all cosmetic surgery is silly? Yes and no. The year after I did my master's program I wanted nothing heavy to read for awhile and I took out a subscription to Vogue magazine. Then looking at all of  the photo shopped bodies, I was always grateful when I'd see, toward the back of the publication, a picture [thank you Smile Train], of some little kids from foreign countries who had disfiguring cleft palates and badly needs surgical reconstruction. Gives one pause and perspective.

 Quite recently the ages that women were considered attractive and desirable was fairly narrow [ages 15 to 40...], compared to men [ages birth to 80]. For women the window of attractiveness has been recently extended [thank you Helen Mirren and Annette Benning, Bette Midler etc.]. Years ago I got to appreciate Dianne Keaton in her blooming second career. She had an age breaking role in "Something's Got To Give" a delightful comedy. Yet the true irony is that her co-star, Jack Nicholson is nine years her senior. Supposedly it was daring casting by Hollywood to have an "older couple" fall in love. Happily, and this indeed was daring, they cast Keanu Reeves, seventeen years her junior, to fall in love with Dianne. This is never unusual for men but it is very unusual for women especially on the big screen.  Ah, a break through!

My earliest exposure to cosmetic surgery that made sense, was a neighborhood little girl who was my brother's friend. Little Louise had ears that only Dumbo's mother could love. Necessary and an easy procedure, it made a big difference to her even at an early age to have her enormous ears trimmed back. The next one, in my book not so great, was the college friend who had a very distinctive, slightly hooked nose. A couple of years after we graduated my husband and I went to a party and she'd had a 'nose job'. She no longer had a beautiful, exotic and interesting face. Instead it was a pleasant face and acceptable though bland and dull by comparison. However, she was  happy about the transformation,  so what can you say? My husband and I found this disconcerting but, hey, it's none of our business. By the way, she was a blonde.

There are other forms of surgery I have vigorously encouraged for my clients. These clients came to me for psychological screening prior to various surgeries. The most common ones were 'Lap Band' for the grossly obese; breast reduction for the very top heavy and surgery for intractable pain. I can report that 9 times out of 10 these surgeries were successful and made huge, life changing differences to each person. I also might add none of them flunked this test: wanting an entire new personality due to the surgery. A better life, yes, a completely different person, no.

I am befuddled by the surgeons that will operate, repetitively, on a person for cosmetic surgeries. Isn't that against their code of ethics? Besides the obvious--money, what other possible reason than a grotesqueness could motivate someone to agree to unnecessary surgeries? Voluntary pain seems crazy to me. Do people have the right? Yes. Is it healthy? No. They should read Geek Love by Katherine Dunn, where the people in the novel cut off their limbs to emulate a man who was an unfortunate victim of a nasty birth defect.  I think her point was, "let's really examine this admiration of leaders and the craziness that can lead to insane behavior to emulate their leader." Ah, also think politics...

Think for a minute, in your own life, who are the most beautiful, attractive people you know? When I was analyzing this I came up with a good list. What all of them have in common is authenticity, genuine sense of self, a good sense of humor, intelligence, kindness and a certain air of generosity. I love the saying in the 12 Step groups "what works best is attraction rather than promotion." I believe that all the emphasis put on [especially] women and gay men to be beautiful is developing their promotion side when they should be working on the depth and width of  their character.

Living it up via boat on the Isle of Capri

This gentleman got frozen in time in the 1st Century in Pompeii

Now that said, I as a human being and a psychotherapist, am a big proponent of healthy living and a loud advocate of doing the best you can with what you have. Constant attention to defects of face or body can be annoying at best and soul destroying at worst. Face it people, we are all going to end up part of the earth or the atmosphere. So, while you're hanging around, enjoy what you have and love yourself.

susansmagicfeather  2023 Susan R. Grout 

Are You a Dare Devil or Angel?

Life is an exciting adventure, or it is nothing. Helen Keller

                            Son and Grandson joyfully romping in the surf

               After descending to the Pt. Reyes Lighthouse then climbing back up.

Yes, I am posing the question and asking each of you to examine how you take risks in your life. How often do you take a risk? Have you ever taken a daring or even foolish risk? If so have they been beneficial? Are you dare devilish, taking risks that can be down right dangerous and saying to yourself, "damn the torpedoes full speed ahead", or are you on the cautious but brave side? Are you the one who will take risks to improve the lives of others, in other words a dare angel? I've been reading about these angels, the ones that work for Doctors without Borders and other aid organizations in war zones, impoverished countries, facing down horrifying conditions and risking their own lives. And then there are the quieter variety of dare angels who care for the dying in Hospice or volunteer in children's hospitals bringing cheer to the frightened and sick kids. Angels all indeed.

Another good question is: for what cause would you be willing to risk your life?  Quite simply I know I would die for anyone in my family. As for the broader subject of for what cause would you be willing to risk your life, years ago I put my life on the line for a couple of my clients. I am not sure it was one of my smarter manoeuvres, however this was over 25 years ago. The circumstances were these-- one time I interfered with a violent, abusive husband about to pounce on his wife and another time a drunk, out of control boyfriend was about to pounce on me for seeing his girlfriend in counseling. For a little dude I can be pretty fierce.

All of this risk taking started when I was a little girl. I was a 'Tom boy' and a dare devil. If my mom were still alive she'd confirm that. I'd say, "Mom tell them." She'd  answer, "Oh, you were a dare devil when you were a little girl. I remember you used to ride down our hill doing an arabesque on your bicycle seat while holding on to the handle bars." I'd say modestly, "Yes, I remember feeling exhilarated doing that." She'd then say, "Thank God I never saw it, I was too busy with the little ones but I certainly heard about it from the frightened neighbors." Seems I never considered the loss of life or limb.

I soon got my comeuppance in my devilish adventures. At seven I was attempting to balance my way across the top of a very tall swing set at a Community park when I fell. [Seriously, how the hell did I get up there, shimmying?] The park staff called my Mom and she took me to the emergency room where they X-rayed my arm. "All's OK" they said and Mom brought me home. "I knew you weren't OK because the entire next day you wouldn't let go of your arm." She brought me back to the emergency room again and, sure enough, she was right. I had a difficult to diagnose "green stick" fracture.  I had to wear a cast for six weeks and that did slow my dare devil ways, but not completely. I slowly worked my way back up to being a dare devil. This is in kid years, so maybe it was all of six months and then I was riding my bike everywhere and straight down the same hill again. Maybe I have too much testosterone, I don't know.

It didn't stop there, in our neighborhood we'd play Red Rover with the big boys [Wally and Sandy,  a couple of years older than us]. Doesn't sound too scary, does it? Then take into account that they added BB guns to the game.  I didn't dodge in time and got a BB in my thigh. It should have stopped me, but it didn't stop me from playing. Where were the adults? We didn't know and didn't care.

We were afforded huge degrees of freedom in the late 40's, early 50's. The rule was to be home for dinner and don't go over to the canal. Period. We went all over Evanston on our bikes and down to the sewage canal every day though that was supposedly forbidden. I vividly remember being by myself age 10 or so, up high in an apple tree overlooking that canal and thinking how great the whole moment was: the day, the tree and eating an apple. The apple, ever so much juicier and more sensual than Proust's dry Madeline.

I am sad that our corner of the world doesn't allow kids to have that degree of freedom anymore. However, I am also grateful that we do have the watchful and attentive eyes of parents on the kids though because the world is a more dangerous place.

As for me, I'm more or less sure that my dare devil days are over. I'm working on the angel side of the spectrum, more volunteering and writing checks for all of the daring angels all over the globe who are taking the best risk of all: loving actions despite the consequences.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Being Fierce

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. Lillian Hellman

One of the qualities that I most admire in a person is a capacity for fierceness. Lillian Hellman stood and said the above sentence to the entire McArthur hearings board back in the late fifties during their anti Communist witch hunt. Fierce.

I interpret this quality in the most benevolent sense of the word, closer in meaning to passionate than nastiness. When I recognize that someone has a fierce quality about them, they're the ones I want on my team. They don't give up and are unafraid of road blocks, they drive around them. Most everyone in my family is fierce and so are my friends.

Most readily this fiercesness is seen in sports and competitive contests. I have a grandson who doesn't just practice basketball, he absorbs it. He'll shoot baskets until he makes thirty free throws in a row. What's impressive about that? He was 5 years old when he started this. Five. Then I have a granddaughter who doesn't just play soccer, she vaults her slim body around the field like her life depends on it. She was moved from her age group to the level above and she is only ten and she's out on the field with all of these twelve year olds. Impressive. Many years ago a little girl we knew, Leah, was as passionate and fierce about basketball as my grandson. In those years she couldn't find any girls as competitive as herself and so she started to play with the boys. Now Leah is a woman and she's in an all male field and handles that just like she did the basketballs, with grace and agility.

I have noticed through my more than thirty years as a psychotherapist that the people who make a difference in their lives are the ones who have a degree of fierceness. When that happy combination comes along with a passion to do good in the world, watch out, things are going to happen. My husband is exactly like that. He is getting close to retirement but he has loved his job, loved all of the people that work with him and loves the cause of trying to save and protect Washington state from the forces of evil. His passions and his fierceness has helped not only the state but also has kept this marriage wonderful, fulfilling and exciting. I recommend it.

You gain strengty, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  Eleanor Roosevelt

Without qualification some of the fiercest people are the ones who have faced down a dreaded illness. My brother in law Dirk, went about facing his cancer with aplomb. He had his horrible times with outrageous spiking fevers and had to be hospitalized. Then when we'd visit he always made us feel that he was the gracious host welcoming us into his home. He helped my sister Sally with their taxes the day before he died, he was just that kind of guy. Although he lost his fight with cancer, he never lost his dignity or generosity.

I have a dear friend L who was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer, very awful and very scary. She lost so much: money, her Phd program; her business; and even her breast. Yet amidst all of these losses she maintained her close contact with her partner, family and friends. It was the fiercest battle I've ever witnessed, she was so sick from the chemotherapy. Ultimately she was triumphant and six years after the diagnosis is all clear, cancer free and well.  I told her when I visited her through the years of her battle, "You were just like Merlin, you went from being very old, an eighty year old with the first round of treatments to a seventy year old with the second round and a sixty year old by the time you finished." I am happy to report she looks younger than her mid fifties currently. What an inspiration and a blessing she is to all of us in her life. This is a special inspirational kind of fierceness.

Pray for the dead, fight like hell for the living.   Mother Jones

What if you have lost your cuttting edge and are adrift in apathy and mundaneness? The following are some suggestion to instill some of that fierceness:

1. Time to turn off all your electronics.
2. Time to get off the couch, and be determined to move around.
3. Time to look around for what you find interesting in this world.
4. Time to think about helping others or helping the world. 
5. Time to hanging out in the library.
6. Time to waltz yourself through the Dewey decimal system and figure out what is attractive to you. People? Animals? Art? Sports? Building? Crafts? The array of books on all of these subjects is phenomenial. Can't hurt to wander through the stacks and it just might make for a life changing afternoon.

God knows we could use another heart and hand in the good fight for world peace, ending hunger, eliminating abuse of all sorts. Surely there is a cause that intrigues you. If not a cause, how about a fun, crazy, hobby: belly dancing, paragliding, dog walking, baby sitting, mentoring, tutoring, etc. Who knows it might just lift your spirit and make you soar. Go get 'em.

                             Granddaughter who knows a quick way to soar.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Greatest Wealth and Joy

The four grandchildren with their valuable prizes won at the San Juan County Fair

No woman loves like her that's growing old.   Sophocles

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Without qualification love and especially the love of children has brought me the greatest joy in my life. My husband and I were blessed with two healthy, vivacious, fun loving, intelligent boys for which I am grateful every day. Those of you who have followed my blog know from some of my initial entries we suffered some baby disasters so I guess I may be more appreciative than people who popped out six kids without blinking an eye. To me each child is precious.

Carrying a human being inside of you is nothing short of science fiction and giving birth is one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life. Losing a child is also one of the most painful experiences of my life. That is why it is so important to me to support organizations that help the women and children of the world. When I give, I am renewing my deep gratitude that I have been fortunate to have our wonderful family. The truth is compared to most of the world, we in America who have jobs, cars and all the accoutraments of modern life are comparatively wealthy. By my way of thinking it is our duty to share that wealth with people not so fortunate as ourselves. As a matter of fact some of the most generous people that I know are not the 1%, but instead the struggling middle class. It's interesting that even though many are going through hard times they still manage to be generous. Go figure. Guess being generous brings them joy. Actually that is statistically true, sharing your wealth increase your joy.

Then when my sons married they increased our wealth by bringing two wonderful women into our lives. After a couple of years these wonderful women presented us with the above gorgeous, lively, bright and dear children. More wealth and quadruple the joy! How can I keep from singing??

The best thing about grandchildren is the sense of freedom you feel with these little children. Here you have a child that you love as you did your own child but with none of the undercurrent of anxiety: will I be a good enough parent?; can I always protect and feed him?; etc. Instead it is just sheer delight, and that makes you feel very rich indeed.

Another way in which I am wealthy is that I have a huge extended family consisting of the most interesting, fabulous people on the planet. We, this huge family, get together with a great deal of fanfare. We sing, we laugh and joke, we play games, we eat, drink and are merry. The absolute best of all good times are the weddings that we've celebrated over the last fourteen years. All were joyful affairs and we happily welcome newcomers, via marriage, into this big, boisterous clan of ours. Love and more love.

I know in my work of counseling hundreds of people over the past thirty years that not everyone has the good fortune to have a fabulous family. If that is your situation you must not hesitate to adopt a family into your life. Probably this adoptive family is going to be made up of people who you choose, good friends, who would do anything for you and vice versa andcertainly ones who make you laugh. This will create the opportunity for joy and also increases the amount of love in your life. In other words, do it for selfish reasons, the more love the better. There is an endless supply of love out there: go out into the world and be loving and if you should get some love in return, hot damn. You will be a more joyful, wealthier person.

                                   Having fun together Boxing Day 2009


                                   The four grands in a rare still moment, summer 2011.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Folie a Millions

I wonder whether interpersonal boundaries may explain more exotic syndromes such as 'folie a` deux' in which two people such as Bush and Cheney share each other's madness.            V.S. Ramachadran

Let's have a war! We'll attack Iraq! And madness ensued. I personally believe Cheney convinced Bush of the necessity of war [weapons of mass destruction, what a joke] because he stood to amass millions in personal profit from the Halliburton company. Ick! And people voted for them again folks, folie a million.

Closer to home, there are a very few times in counseling when I am left speechless. However, coming up against 'folie a deux' often leaves me feeling that way. Interestingly, I most often see this phenomena when one member of a couple is having an affair. The justification system is profoundly disturbing: "what she doesn't know can't hurt her", or "he deserves it he pays no attention to me." Ultimately one way or another the cat works it's way out of that bag and the result of the discovery is very hurtful to the innocent victims of the egregious action.

Years ago I ran smack up against this when I couldn't figure out why this client I was seeing individually was sullen and distancing from his wife of many years. I had agreed to see both of them in couple's counseling and first saw each separately to sort out the problem from two people's perspectives. Since I had not warned him that I was uncomfortable with this knowledge, he felt he could devulge this fact and I was bound by confidentiality to not disclose to his wife. Needless to say this did not go well. So I then made a rule when working with couples saying to them: "I will not keep a secrets, especially ones as huge as a clandestine affair. If you tell me this in individual counseling, realize that I am going to encourage you to tell the truth to your partner or I will not work with you in couple counseling." Granted this stopped some of the clients in their tracks, never to darken my door again. However, that statement relieves me from being in a crazy making position where I know there's an affair that's  jeopardizing the marriage and the spouse doesn't.

So why does this happen? Why can't someone who is attracted to another person go directly to their mate and say, "hey, we're in big trouble, I have an attraction to someone and we need help..." or more extremely, "honey, I think we need to call it quits, our problems are too huge and I just don't feel I can continue in this marriage." Really, facing up to the truth may be painful but in the long run a lot less so than embarking on the extramarital affair and trying to justify your behavior. Sadly sometimes this is the only way some of my clients have the nerve to exit their relationship: someone else is waiting in the wings.

How about when there are several someones waiting in the wings? This seems to be a speciality of men in powerful positions. There's something else going on there than just wanting to exit their relationships. Hubris, yes, but also selfishness and self assuredness to an incredibly unhealthy degree. Because they are so sure of themselves they somehow delude themselves [and perhaps the person they are having an affair with] that they are invincible. Being sure of one's self can be a virtue or it can lead to an illusion, especially when the invincibility is propped up by the people surrounding you [handlers].

Illusion and delusion of ultimate self assurance brings to mind Arnold Schwartznegger. He is so absolutely self assured that he somehow justified his affair with his housekeeper with whom he then had a child. He is not alone and many other politicians and sport figures, like John Edwards, Herman Cain and Tiger Woods, believed that they were bullet proof. It's fascinating to me that then they try to run for public office as if nothing untoward had occurred. How in the world do they justify [mentally and emotionally] their sexual peccadilloes then try to present themselves as the paragon of truth, justice and the American way? 

An easy explanation of out of control behavior is that the person has a sexual addiction and can't control their impulses, poor them! The same can be said of gamblers and kleptomaniacs, but the bottom line is honesty. First, if one is to recover from their behavioral destructiveness they must realize they are out of control. Next,  they need to admit it and finally get the proper help/support they need to stop the destructive behavior. I often tout the 12 Step programs as the best help for addictions.  I do love them and have seen marvellous life changes when people follow their programs. The bottom line in all of these programs is honesty, self introspection and the ability to want to change. I am aware of my naivety in proposing that if only Bush and Cheney were honest we could have saved this country billions of dollars preventing an unnecessary and costly war. Of course, when thinking about Bush/Cheney that does not allow for the influence of greed and delusion in the above equation. Seems inconceivable, I know but then there are so many out there that use these and other defense mechanisms to support their craziness.

This is a beautiful world filled mostly with kind, honest, caring people. It comes down to this, when you hear something, or discover something that strikes you as nutty, it probably is. Don't just sit there, do something. If something sounds too good to be true [we can have tax cuts and slash the deficit with no repercussions] it probably is. Investigate, think, study and read. Now go and keep your head level!

susanmagicfeather  copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Either/Or vs. Both/And

The either/or model negates a way of peering at a thing and crushes more enthusiasm and ideas than anything else I can think of.
Clarisse Pinkola Estes

We live in the age if extremes, if you are liberal minded you are labeled a 'left wing nut case' and if you are conservative you are a 'tea-bagger' and nasty and vociferous. No dialogue seems possible between extremist groups, what to do, what to do? Give up?

Giving up in disgust is exactly playing into the hands of the extremists, this is just where the two extremist want you to be, frozen by indecision or paralyzed by inaction. And this my friends is the perfect opportunity to make up your own mind. One of the difficulties of the gridlock situation we are in comes from people's rigidity in using the either/or model.

 This is where the rational mind comes in. Truly it's possible to be liberal minded and of a conservative ilk toward certain causes. Let's review the mess that's coming from our legislature. Why isn't  it possible to bridge the two extremes and come up with a compromise budget that would fit both camps? Clearly we all would like the deficit reduced, the poorest of the poor enabled to improve and the children of American taken care of so we all can excel. This isn't a radical notion, but a rational and humane one. What's necessary? Cut the tax breaks on the people and corporations who don't need financial assistance and stop the silly loop holes that erode our budget. I purpose that we cut funding for all the corporate welfare cases, big oil, etc. and stop the excessive funding of the Pentagon's budget, eg. we are still funding weaponry that is being sold to outright tyrants. How about a law against the credit card companies charging people 29% and more for late payments. In the Bible 12% was considered wrong and a crime, where are all the Christians to protest nearly tripling of this wrong?

On the being correct side, there is a necessity to generously take care of the people who have served this country: the soldiers and their families that have made so many sacrifices for all of our welfare. They deserve the pensions and all the attention that we can bring to them,  and generous after care from the trauma that war has engender.

I am also mystified as to why we bailed out the big banks in this country, the ones responsible for all of the loans that were insupportable. We not only bailed out the banks but no fines, penalties or conditions on paying back the bail outs. Then the offensive bonus and parachutes to the big guys causing all the problems. Why aren't they being asked to pay their fair share of the [now] gross profits that they have garnered. Crazy? Yes.

What profoundly interferes with rational thought on how to approach difficult topics like budget short falls is black and white thinking. I learned this term more than thirty years ago from a therapist friend, Laurie who did workshops with me. The newer term would be something like "it's my way or the highway." Note well, the clearest example of black and white thinking is with the very young. Little kid's minds are not yet ready for complexity and so it is helpful to speak to them simplistically. That sums up a good rationale for black and white thinking, immature minds, simplistic ideas and solutions. So, if we are to rise to our full height of maturity, we need to embrace complexity. Instead of black and white, try inserting both/and and see what happens. Hence, "no new taxes" and sticking to it [when they are obviously needed to help the country is plain silly] could be translated into, "some new taxes". "No cuts for any programs" could be re- designated to "some cuts". Instead of either/or we could include both a few new taxes--on the wealthy--and make some cuts on unnecessary programs, farm subsidies and experimental weaponry come to mind.

Emotional Cut-off/ Let Go of Other People's Feelings

In my life, I too, have been guilty of black and white thinking. It was about my parents. This was many years ago when I was doing workshops with my therapist friend Laurie and she asked me one day, "What's wrong, Susan you seem 'off'?" I told her "I am. I'm was furious with my parents, they asked to visit. I don't want them to and yet I'm reluctant to confront them." They had behaved badly to one of my siblings, I heard about it and it left me fuming and angry. If I had persisted in this method of fuming without confrontation it could be called 'emotional cut-off'. She heard my complaint, then said, "This makes no sense, you're usually so honest and forthright." I said, "I think if I told them the truth they'd be crushed and I can't do that to them." "Is that how you want your boys to treat you?" "God, no." "Well then, tell them why you're upset and let go of their  feelings. These are grown adults, they can deal with it." Whew. I knew she was right and even though I felt scared to do it, I put about rectifying the situation and called my parents. Reluctantly I shared what I had to say. I was willing to have them be upset with me. Interestingly, it made a dramatic difference in our relationship, we both became more honest and mature in our dealings with one another. Ultimately I was grateful for this tip: let go of other people's feelings.

Letting go of other people's feelings is chancy. It can have a dramatically bad effect also. I once counseled a woman who very much loved a friend of hers who was also a drinking buddy. The client, Thelma*, started to be very concerned about Louise*. Her drinking had greatly accelerate and Thelma feared for Louise's health and life. We decided on the plan to do "Loving Confrontation" [see the post on 9/1/11] on Louise. I said to Thelma, "you realize this could be a lifesaver for Louise but she may not see it that way." "Yes," said Thelma, "I just no longer feel comfortable drinking with her." "OK then here are the suggestions".

I would love to report to you that Louise took the message as one of concern and love but, that was not the case. She cut off Thelma and severed the friendship, alas, emotional cut off. Love is risky business, but failure to confront when you love someone is sheer cowardice. Be the brave one and confront.

Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. Oscar Wilde

 Many of us are raised to be constantly vigilant for how other's might perceive or feel about us. We neglect to ask a very basic question, "is how they feel really any of my business?" The answer 99 times out of 100 is "No". So instead of responding in an intelligent manner we react: sometimes over and sometimes under react, when we should be just responding. Sounds complicated but if you are judicious and kind it really isn't.  For example, a favorite client, Honey*, was in several years ago and I was asking her about her very small extended family. "I haven't seen my sister in years." "Why ever not?" I asked. Honey said, "She is so judgemental of me, always seeing me as the 'problem person' that I just don't want to go there." I said, "So much of that old label,  'problem person', has changed for you. You've gotten yourself in a great relationship and your son is doing so well, can't you share that with them?" She said, "I don't know." I said, "Wonder if you didn't care how they perceived you and took a chance and let them see you with all your new found strengths and happiness." "Seriously?" she said. "Yes," I said, "it's time to let go of other people's feelings." "This is a new concept for me." I said, "Take a chance." Honey did and now has a good connection for herself and her son with her sister and family.

Open both your mind and your heart and spring forth with love. Both/and.

*If you haven't guessed these names are pseudonyms.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout