The either/or model negates a way of peering at a thing and crushes more enthusiasm and ideas than anything else I can think of.
Clarisse Pinkola Estes
We live in the age if extremes, if you are liberal minded you are labeled a 'left wing nut case' and if you are conservative you are a 'tea-bagger' and nasty and vociferous. No dialogue seems possible between extremist groups, what to do, what to do? Give up?
Giving up in disgust is exactly playing into the hands of the extremists, this is just where the two extremist want you to be, frozen by indecision or paralyzed by inaction. And this my friends is the perfect opportunity to make up your own mind. One of the difficulties of the gridlock situation we are in comes from people's rigidity in using the either/or model.
This is where the rational mind comes in. Truly it's possible to be liberal minded and of a conservative ilk toward certain causes. Let's review the mess that's coming from our legislature. Why isn't it possible to bridge the two extremes and come up with a compromise budget that would fit both camps? Clearly we all would like the deficit reduced, the poorest of the poor enabled to improve and the children of American taken care of so we all can excel. This isn't a radical notion, but a rational and humane one. What's necessary? Cut the tax breaks on the people and corporations who don't need financial assistance and stop the silly loop holes that erode our budget. I purpose that we cut funding for all the corporate welfare cases, big oil, etc. and stop the excessive funding of the Pentagon's budget, eg. we are still funding weaponry that is being sold to outright tyrants. How about a law against the credit card companies charging people 29% and more for late payments. In the Bible 12% was considered wrong and a crime, where are all the Christians to protest nearly tripling of this wrong?
On the being correct side, there is a necessity to generously take care of the people who have served this country: the soldiers and their families that have made so many sacrifices for all of our welfare. They deserve the pensions and all the attention that we can bring to them, and generous after care from the trauma that war has engender.
I am also mystified as to why we bailed out the big banks in this country, the ones responsible for all of the loans that were insupportable. We not only bailed out the banks but no fines, penalties or conditions on paying back the bail outs. Then the offensive bonus and parachutes to the big guys causing all the problems. Why aren't they being asked to pay their fair share of the [now] gross profits that they have garnered. Crazy? Yes.
What profoundly interferes with rational thought on how to approach difficult topics like budget short falls is black and white thinking. I learned this term more than thirty years ago from a therapist friend, Laurie who did workshops with me. The newer term would be something like "it's my way or the highway." Note well, the clearest example of black and white thinking is with the very young. Little kid's minds are not yet ready for complexity and so it is helpful to speak to them simplistically. That sums up a good rationale for black and white thinking, immature minds, simplistic ideas and solutions. So, if we are to rise to our full height of maturity, we need to embrace complexity. Instead of black and white, try inserting both/and and see what happens. Hence, "no new taxes" and sticking to it [when they are obviously needed to help the country is plain silly] could be translated into, "some new taxes". "No cuts for any programs" could be re- designated to "some cuts". Instead of either/or we could include both a few new taxes--on the wealthy--and make some cuts on unnecessary programs, farm subsidies and experimental weaponry come to mind.
Emotional Cut-off/ Let Go of Other People's Feelings
In my life, I too, have been guilty of black and white thinking. It was about my parents. This was many years ago when I was doing workshops with my therapist friend Laurie and she asked me one day, "What's wrong, Susan you seem 'off'?" I told her "I am. I'm was furious with my parents, they asked to visit. I don't want them to and yet I'm reluctant to confront them." They had behaved badly to one of my siblings, I heard about it and it left me fuming and angry. If I had persisted in this method of fuming without confrontation it could be called 'emotional cut-off'. She heard my complaint, then said, "This makes no sense, you're usually so honest and forthright." I said, "I think if I told them the truth they'd be crushed and I can't do that to them." "Is that how you want your boys to treat you?" "God, no." "Well then, tell them why you're upset and let go of their feelings. These are grown adults, they can deal with it." Whew. I knew she was right and even though I felt scared to do it, I put about rectifying the situation and called my parents. Reluctantly I shared what I had to say. I was willing to have them be upset with me. Interestingly, it made a dramatic difference in our relationship, we both became more honest and mature in our dealings with one another. Ultimately I was grateful for this tip: let go of other people's feelings.
Letting go of other people's feelings is chancy. It can have a dramatically bad effect also. I once counseled a woman who very much loved a friend of hers who was also a drinking buddy. The client, Thelma*, started to be very concerned about Louise*. Her drinking had greatly accelerate and Thelma feared for Louise's health and life. We decided on the plan to do "Loving Confrontation" [see the post on 9/1/11] on Louise. I said to Thelma, "you realize this could be a lifesaver for Louise but she may not see it that way." "Yes," said Thelma, "I just no longer feel comfortable drinking with her." "OK then here are the suggestions".
I would love to report to you that Louise took the message as one of concern and love but, that was not the case. She cut off Thelma and severed the friendship, alas, emotional cut off. Love is risky business, but failure to confront when you love someone is sheer cowardice. Be the brave one and confront.
Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. Oscar Wilde
Many of us are raised to be constantly vigilant for how other's might perceive or feel about us. We neglect to ask a very basic question, "is how they feel really any of my business?" The answer 99 times out of 100 is "No". So instead of responding in an intelligent manner we react: sometimes over and sometimes under react, when we should be just responding. Sounds complicated but if you are judicious and kind it really isn't. For example, a favorite client, Honey*, was in several years ago and I was asking her about her very small extended family. "I haven't seen my sister in years." "Why ever not?" I asked. Honey said, "She is so judgemental of me, always seeing me as the 'problem person' that I just don't want to go there." I said, "So much of that old label, 'problem person', has changed for you. You've gotten yourself in a great relationship and your son is doing so well, can't you share that with them?" She said, "I don't know." I said, "Wonder if you didn't care how they perceived you and took a chance and let them see you with all your new found strengths and happiness." "Seriously?" she said. "Yes," I said, "it's time to let go of other people's feelings." "This is a new concept for me." I said, "Take a chance." Honey did and now has a good connection for herself and her son with her sister and family.
Open both your mind and your heart and spring forth with love. Both/and.
*If you haven't guessed these names are pseudonyms.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout
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