When there is great trauma in the world, the thoughts and heart go out to all of the people: Japan, Haiti and New Zealand who are all overwhelmed with earth quake catastrophe, huge loss and overwhelming grief. I am narrowing grief down to a personal level and hope that this can aid in the lessening of great pain for anyone reading.
It is almost, but not quite, impossible to describe to someone who has not suffered a huge loss what it is like and why it takes an inordinate amount of time and energy to recover. Age and time help, that is true and I am drawn to the words written a century and a half ago by Emily Dickinson.
After great pain a formal feeling comes---
The Nerves sit ceremonious like Tombs--
The stiff Heart questions was it he, that bore,
And yesterday or Centuries before?
Great loss does have that pendulum feeling of immediacy and 'centuries before'. I tell people that I see in counseling, "the best you can hope for is that it will not remain as physically painful, it will become more like a whisper, a wistfulness of a memory." This is true when I reflect on the loss of my daughter. Granted, I am mourning only one tiny person, yet "my heart stiffened" at that time and my mind locked into an oblivion of pain. I was relentlessly grieving not only for the baby daughter but for every age of the daughter that I would be missing. My resolve was to tough it out so I could be an adequate Mom to my darling, healthy, little boys who were only two and five years old. They were as lively and funny and dear as always but their antics not only made me laugh but then I would cry, which I, of course, tried to hide from them. Life goes on and people expect you to recover quickly and be the same person that you were prior to the death. I couldn't and I wasn't. Again to Emily describing the weight of loss--
This is the hour of Lead--
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow--
First---Chill---then Stupor---then the letting go---
I was so young, only 28 and all the previous deaths in my life were expected, Grandparents in their late 70's, so nothing had prepared me for the overwhelming grief that would be my constant companion for years. Did I appear a mess and glum? No, I hid it well and in fact had many joyous times. I also did some incredibly foolish things like telling my parents not to come to be with me, no memorial [in those days it was funerals], rejected friends who babies born around the same time and did not seek help for months. When I did seek help it was with a peer support group that in a small way did aid in my recovery but truthfully I needed more than that. I did lots of reading and talking to others who had experienced a similar loss. I found out just how a big club it is and I was humbled. I learned so much about grief and grieving, and this loss jet propelled me past my peer group and gave me insights that I carried into my counseling practice.
Here is a partial list of the things that I found were essential in my recovery and helpful to the grieving people in my counseling practice:
- Budget more time than you think is necessary to allow expression of the loss.
- Get appropriate help. This can be in any form that you find meaningful- most importantly with friends and family and then what works for you: the churches, professional counseling; a peer group; shamans; spiritual guides etc.
- Review frequently: what is getting in the way of feeling better? How is holding on to anger, hatred, despair, victimization, bitterness serving me? Am I keeping the past as present?
- Self care is a very important part of recovery to wit: am I abusing drugs, alcohol etc.? Am I eating nourishing food, getting enough sleep, exercising? Am I withholding the truth from myself, my friends, my family, my support group? Am I minimizing?
- Prioritize your sense of humor. Find reasons to laugh even if it is only at yourself. Watch amusing films, read books that are humorous, be around people that make you laugh. Be around children and pets that you love and find amusing. The AH-HA! is very close to the HA-HA. All of this takes commitment and diligence, sounds funny to write this, but this is true.
- Be response able, in other words watch that you are not just reacting to situations and the world but that you are responding in a loving, respectful manner. This includes setting acceptable limits for yourself, being accountable for your actions, being willing to let go of old roles and of course, telling the truth and running.
- Learn the art of forgiveness. While acknowledging the truth of hurts inflicted purposefully or inadvertently by others, be willing to step up, say something and then let go of the outcome.
- Dive down deep, to quote Goethe, "knowing is not enough, we must apply; willing is not enough, we must do." Record this journey in some form for yourself: make a journal; have meaningful conversations; create a painting or collage; make a quilt; write letters etc.
- Do good loving actions for others daily: remember kindness doesn't cost a cent; be lavish in your loving those close to you; express that love often to those you love; do volunteer work; be aware and amused every day of your life and sharing this joy with others.
I could go on an on mainly because this is part of my life's work. It has been my privilege to work with so many people and help them through the "hour of lead" to emerge on the other side to the hours of joy.
Tomorrow: On the Loving Influences in My Life and Being Disobedient
susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
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