Small Town Therapist on Bodies

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must find it within us or we find it not.              Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if God were one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home?                singer: Joan Osborne, composed by Eric Bazillian 

 I had no intention about writing about bodies but we're on vacation at the beach and one of our hobbies is to sit in our beach chairs and stare out at the waves making up stories about the people sauntering on by. The people before us come in every age, shape, color and size from little toddlers to ancient, barely ambulatory, old folks. To us the most fun is watching the new walkers trying to manage the waves and the babies splashing in the water.

It's an opinion of mine that all the humans marching up and down the sandy shore, are universally enjoying the beach.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Happily, 

our running dialogue about the folks is jovial, ridiculous and sometimes even poignant. I'm making an assumption that we, my husband and I, are not immune from the 'observation club'. Generally adults on the beach are fun to observe however what really got me thinking about bodies was all the babies on the beach. All those babies were overwhelmed with joy at the surf and the warm water. They toddled right into to the waves---trying to flee their anxious moms and dads. This sight was so delightful to me and ultimately inspiring. Do you think for even one nanosecond they were thinking about how they looked? Could anything  disrupted the glee of splash, giggle, and then running for them? Do you think for even an instant they were anything less than ecstatic about having their wonderful bodies?  When, oh when, did the joy of having a body turn into something that was a burden.

happy healthy bodies

This thought lead me to remember some of the people in my counseling practice. Time after time, I'd have clients who'd come to counseling convinced that they were truly atrocious looking. Either they had a general self loathing or they were overly obsessed with a particular facial feature or body part. Several of the people actually had "body dysmorphic disorder", which required many counseling sessions. The cause for this ailment is mysterious in some but certainly for most there was criticism, bullying and comparisons in the mix. For some it was obsessive compulsive disorder [OCD] but for most it was the former: criticism and comparisons. They grew up in harsh environments and were teased at school with no one to defend them. 

I most frequently used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT] with these clients but honestly, these clients could not turn the corner with just a few encouraging sessions after years of shame, embarrassment and discomfort. They could definitely be helped to feel more relaxed about their appearance, but cured from a life time of erroneous repulsion took awhile. This recovery from body distortion was accomplished by challenging the repetitive negative thoughts about their bodies or facial features. Wrestling away the negative and embracing a calm, supportive love and understanding of their bodies or facial "flaws" was an uphill battle. 

Here's one of the assignments that I'd give to the client hoping to overcome body loathing: "go to a public place: a mall, a busy city street, a beach, even a church and watch humanity walk on by. Please see all the people, not just the young and attractive ones." Then, when they reported back their observations, usually with interest, they'd report back who they were seeing.  I'd ask, "what percentage of the people passing you by were truly repulsive or maimed or, by contrast, exceedingly glamorous?" We then had rich discussions about the fact that most people looked, well, rather ordinary. Another comment I'd make is "surely you're not the most attractive person that you observed but wouldn't you place yourself in the upper 20% of nice looking people?" They'd stammer for a minute and argue, "no maybe in the top 50%". Definitely an improvement from "I'm repulsive". Try that exercise of just mildly observing, it's fun and educational. 

Included in that shaming category are aging women. The recent pictures of Madonna after her extreme face lift was an example of this body shaming. Do I think it was prudent to have drastic surgery on your perfectly lovely face? Not for me, but Madonna is in the entertainment business and it's expected of her to look young and fresh, especially as a female entertainer. Someone did not give the same memo to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. I know people make fun of them and their wrinkles but frankly it's not the same pointed, vituperative comments that happen to women entertainers like Madonna. 

An interesting fact about women over the age of 50--- most people don't even register mature women on their visual radar. Because I'm well over the age of 50 I'm most likely not a source of much interest, conversation or even attention. Fine by me. 

As a therapist, I for one, am overjoyed at the body positive movement. Obese people have been shamed enough. It's not that they don't realize that they are large, so why shame them at all? And so what if a body is large or different colored or impaired. Let's make a people positive movement. So instead of focusing on all the god figures that are male, how about we see godlike as those gleeful babies? That is the best and most sacred of humanity. Can't hurt, right? Let's all of us be babies on the beach.

My husband and I have our conversations and we notice and appreciate everyone. We are generous about our comments and stories about the people on the beach. Long may they appreciate their imperfect bodies as we try to do the same for ourselves on a daily basis.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout