Small Town Therapist on Death of a Sister, a Father--the Aftermath

 My life goes on in endless ways

above the real life griefs

I see the endless turns of fate

as a condition of those proofs.

Life as we all know can turn on a dime, from ordinary incidences, on an ordinary day to an atrocious, overwhelming moment when time seems to stop. 

This happened several times in my life [and I'm sure in yours too] when you get that call on the phone or the knock on the door to tell you that someone you love dearly has died. This was true when many years ago, my father dropped dead in January of 1986, after a round of golf,  and then, more stunningly, when his daughter, my sister Kathleen, dropped dead in 2019, after a car trip to see one of her sons. Both Kathleen and Dad at the time of their deaths were 67 years old, both born on December 27th. In that year of Kathleen's death, 2019, my Dad would have been 100 years old. The ironic part is Kathleen took fairly good care of herself while my father's health wasn't nearly as closely cared for, still she died at 67. 

four of the five sisters Kathleen on the right

My reaction to both of these deaths were quite similar: shock, screaming NO into the night, falling to the ground in disbelief. The contrast was huge in that when my Dad died I had two teenage sons at home, the loving support of my husband and friends at hand to help me grieve. I had to be protective and not frighten my sons with the terrible grief  I felt.  Yes, they witnessed me sobbing but no I didn't rant and wail for hours, I was a mother.

Dad at 26 Navy WWll

When I got the call from my brother on April 28, 2019 spring was lovely and all was calm and tranquil in my life. Bob simply said, "Kathleen died today of an apparent heart attack." Lord knows she had been under a lot to stress for a couple of years and also she had an aversion to the medical profession that added to the health problems. She, like our father, dropped dead of a heart attack. Even writing that sentence makes me cringe then breathe deeply and pine for the loss of feisty, fierce, mighty little woman who I loved. 

The tendency by practically everyone when somebody dies is to over emphasize the virtues of the deceased and over look their human foibles and failings. You want to cherish and hold fast to the good times, the memories and ignore or minimize the frustrations you might have experienced with the loved one. I'm not sure that is the best of ideas. Were they really almost saints? Of course not. In my father's case, he had a drinking problem which never concerned him as it did our mother and me. I had been working in the field of drug and alcoholism for 10 years by that time and had many a talk with my Dad about my concerns about his drinking.  I told him, "Dad, what they describe in the literature is you are heavy steady drinker". In other words someone who maintains a certain percentage of alcohol in his system most days.  Sincerely, I rarely saw him drunk, he was always a pleasant  and enthusiastic drinker, never angry or obnoxious. Because he owned a successful restaurant he had to keep his wits about him, be a gracious host, and a kind and efficient boss. Yet, Dad knew he had a heart condition, after all he'd had a triple coronary bi-pass at age 60.  Probably no one commanded him to stop drinking but certainly he must have been cautioned to cut back. He didn't. Too much alcohol  puts a strain on the heart.

But dear lord that man was charismatic and so much fun. Everybody wanted to be around Bob. He, in turn, treasured his retirement and liked having a quieter life style than his raucous business days. Prior to his retirement at the restaurant, most of the time he worked 12 to 14 hour days. That too is not recommended for heart health.      

at Mom's memorial Kathleen is next to me in the red blouse

Kathleen was extraordinarily talented: an artist as well as a ceramicist; musician and song writer and charismatic performer. My sisters and I still sing her songs, always appreciated and always lovely.

In all honesty I handled Kathleen's death better than I did my Dad's. Somehow despite his misbehavior with drinking I was able to ignore that as one of the causes of  death. But the grief lingered on and on. With Kathleen, I was also grief stricken but also was so angry that she ignored the warning by a doctor she reluctantly saw in order to get a job at a preschool. He cautioned her that she had high blood pressure and needed medication. Her response, "I'll take care of that with diet and exercise." She forever was exercising, walking, kayaking, swimming and decided on the KETO diet. She died on the keto diet, neglected to get medication to lower her BP. 

Being furious for awhile I think actually helped me with my grief. I readily acknowledged that she was being bullheaded and it helped cause her heart attack. I and all my four remaining siblings went immediately to our doctors and, yes we all had high BP and are all dutifully on medication.  Ignoring my anger that my dear Dad won't or couldn't stop his heavy drinking I believe prolonged my grieving. My therapist friend once suggested to me that perhaps I was slightly angry with my father. She said, 'wouldn't you like to punch him in his jelly belly?' and I burst into racking tears. Hmmm.

What to make of all of this? Keep honest with yourself about your feelings about a loved one's death. Oh and if you happen to have matured and aged I think that helps too. All of us have to face death, our own or our loved ones. Doing so with candor and bravery helps, so does forgiveness of yourself and of the deceased. 

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout