Pity the Poor Beleagured Parent

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.          E.W. Howe

Sometimes you can feel tied up by the children
Nothing beats a timely hug and understanding lap

 There are no guarantees in parenting a child, you can try your best and sometimes that is just not enough, the child's peculiar and perplexing make up can thwart you at every turn. That being said, probably 90% of parenting can be boiled down to the golden rule, 'do unto others'. One upping that could be "do unto others as you wish, within reason, was done unto you." The within reason is what I'd like to address about parenting.

When you become a parent you have an opportunity to create a wonderful experience for yourself and your child. Lots of love, funny stories and laughter.

I remember years ago a client had a rather sad story to report about creating experiences for her sons. She was widowed at a very young age leaving her with two boys 6 and 8 years old. The parents both knew that the Dad had less than a year to live so before he died they went all out and created fabulous trips for their family so that the sons would have glowing memories of being with their Dad. The funny thing was four years after their Dad died the Mom asked the sons, "what are the special memories you have of Dad" and the answers were, "eating popcorn at the movies, sharing a pretzels in front of the aquarium, going on that hike to the beach, laughing at his jokes." Nothing that was glamorous or exotic. These are memories that you can create each day with your children. Accessible and affordable, lovely and fun. This Mom has coped very well because she has a loving family and very supportive friends, which is a key component to recovering from this huge blow to the psyche.

An important component in raising a healthy, happy child is having compassion for yourself. It is also important to try to learn everything you can about what works best for him/her and your family in regard to this child. Some people are very sensitive to noise and too much stimulation and so are individual children. Some parents require lots of interaction with the outside world and need lots of society and so do some kids. All this is great when you have similar personalities in a family that harmonize, it's easy and flows naturally. However sometimes we have a quiet parent who gives birth to a whirlwind social butterfly. One little girl that I loved had lesbian mothers who were quiet, a bit rough around the edges and feminists to boot. Wouldn't you know that their little girl was a card carrying 'princess' who was never without her tiara, friends, sparkles, tap shoes and Barbies. "She came out of the chute that way," is how one of her Mommies characterized her. You have to play with the hand you were dealt and try to have as many good times as possible. This means studying what works best for your particular child and managing to honor that.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.           George Santayana

My humble opinion is often you are going to have to put the needs of the child above your own. Infancy is the perfect example. It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone should strive to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Ha! With a newborn that is just not possible. So strive to see the situation as temporary and situational and be kind to yourself.

1. Do unto your child as you wish was done unto you.
2. Create wonderful moments out of simple pleasures: reading stories, going for hikes, attending their games and performances, taking them on trips, researching what is interesting to them.
3. Enjoy every phase of their growing up, yes, even the difficult teen years.
4. Learn to develop your ability to entertain their friends and have good meals with them.
5. Try to eat together as often as possible, most interesting discussions revolve around good food.
6. Teach them how to be a good citizen of the world, be interested in many countries, places, cuisines, languages and always, always teach openness and kindness to others [within limits].
7. Teach them to think for themselves, "no one is going to do your thinking for you," I was fond of saying, keep them skeptical of commercials and people trying to sell them something they don't need.
8. Limit time with machines so they can think and create. The great outdoors awaits!
9. Get lots of sleep yourself, limit your own screen time, you'd be amazed at how it opens up your days.
10. Have a community of other parents with kids about your kids ages and share your experience, strength and hope.
11. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.

Parents need all kinds of encouragement and support. I hope that any of you reading this blog who knows of a family that is going through a rough patch will extend yourself to the family. Do so expecting nothing. However when I do extend myself I get such joy out of these families, my payment in full, the joy. We laugh and tell stories, it is so fulfilling. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Parenting a la Grout

An example of some excellent and loving parents

Another wonderful set of parents

Today I read an article about parenting that had an emphasis on 'attachment' by the parents to the emotional and physical needs of a child. The authors went on at great length to explain that a parent avoid becoming defensive and annoyed when your child was, well, annoying. Their revelation in the article was that we as therapist need to have empathy for the poor parents of a difficult child. I could hardly contain my, well, annoyance at the authors. Why on earth didn't these two men [who are probably good therapists, considered experts in their field] think to discuss parental relationships with a good therapist who also happens to be a mother? The revelation in the article was not astounding to those of us who parent not only with our heads, but also with our hearts, our guts and our sense of humor. A full bodied approach.

Before I became a mother I was such a free spirit. I used to say, "No man will ever dominate me."  Now I have a six-year-old master.      Sally Diaz

The problem, as I see it, is parents are unwilling to be amused by their own children. I especially see this today with the "uber parents" or worse the paternalistic parents. They fear that if they secretly chuckle when their three year old announces "you are not the boss of me," they will lose the struggle for domination and so they tend to come down menacingly hard on their kid. Who wants to be in such a black and white relationship with your own child? I always had fun with the boys even when they were exasperating, [two cars in a ditch in one night, sneaking out of the house, etc] they were, at their core, a delight. I recommend to all my clients the same piece of advice, have fun with your kids.

Love and Logic vs. Logical Consequences

Many of my clients have taken a course called "Love and Logic" and for the life of me, from everything I've heard, it's merely a retread of the "Logical Consequences" technique that my husband and I used as parents. The concept is simple however it does require that you think creatively. If Johnny makes a mess, you hand him the sponge, the broom, etc. have him clean it up.  Then help him after with a gentle reminder that the house doesn't get tidy all by itself.  You never have to throw a hissy fit and you don't have to endlessly lecture. Just, "clean up the mess John and then  remember if you don't want to have to do so much work, clean as you go." Logical. This makes sense and is refreshingly better than "Johnny you made a mess and I am going to have to spank you," or worse, "stupid kid, go to your room." Either of these examples teaches nothing good, makes no logical sense and has negative consequences in the long run. Get the idea? The kid that doesn't do his homework isn't grounded per se but required to stay at his desk until the assignment is finished, and can't go anywhere, even on the week end. Logical. Of course this has to be age appropriate. At 3 years old if they are fighting with a sibling, separate them into a time out of say 5 minutes and add, "I'm not going to allow you to play with your brother until you are nicer."  If they are 12 or so then the time out is longer and apologies are expected. We raised our boys that way and I think it works. Logical, make playing with the sibling a privilege.

Dog Training
Something else that works with kids is dog training. I always say "catch them doing something right and praise, praise, praise. Ignor the annoying behavior, and if you have to, lock yourself in the bathroom." I went to a workshop once, merely to complete my 36 credits I am required for my license every two years. Turned out it was great. It was about dealing with difficult children. The highlight of the program I then made into a simple two page handout; praise at the right time and create an atmosphere for success. Worked like a charm. I'm over simplifying but here is the jist plus the suggestions that I give to all parents to create happier, healthier kids:

1. Make an effort to notice when the kids has done something well, eg. cleaning up, not chasing the dog, finishing their homework.
2. Appreciated the little things that might get a pass like: being respectful, using good manners, fun attitude.
3. Notice and praise when they could have acted miserably and didn't; like missing out on a friends party because the family has other plans, not throwing a tantrum in the grocery store...
4. Choose to focus on the good, the behavior that you want instead of what you don't want, be a good cheerleader for your kid.
5. When the rules that you have put forth are broken, unceremoniously, without the lectures and the drama, give a time out.
6. Teach your child forgiveness and model good citizenship, be a coach for the good of the whole world.
7. Be respectful of your child but don't mistake respectfulness for taking yourself or them too seriously.
8. Most importantly as you are coaching, cheeringleading and teaching-- have fun.
9. Keeping a sense of humor and a flair for the ridulous is important in getting through the trying and difficult times.
10. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.
11. Turn off the machines, read to the kids or when they are old enough read together.
12. Have adventures rather than the piles of endless stuff.
13. Enjoy the miracle of the life you have been given and in turn the miracle of the lives you are living with.
14. Singing, dancing, creating art projects all develops parts of the brain that are not emphasized in schools, so do it at home.
15. Take care of yourself impeccably, it will pay off doubly for you and for the child.
    

Our granddaughter has always had a fine sense of the absurd

Tomorrow I will focus on what goes wrong and how to kindly and lovingly correct it. I will also focus on having compassion for yourself and what it means to take care of yourself impeccably.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Mine Own True Love

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.                                                                Martin Luther

Though buffeted by the storms of life we remain solid

Can you guess what was the first present I got from my husband when we were dating?

If you guessed candy, flowers, cards, jewelry you would be wrong on all four counts.
I was thinking about this as I was moving my ridiculous number of coats from one closet to another. One certain coat never fails to make me smile.

We first started dating in our Sophomore year of college. Mr. G had a lumber jacket I often admired, the red and black Pendelton kind, stocky and hearty. His surprise for me at Christmas was a miniature version of his coat though he had very little money. I was delighted. Now, don't think in terms of those couples who try to dress alike, that was so not us. No heart buttons, no matching shirts but coats, yes. I loved that coat, so much that I still, after 46 years, have it and wear it with pleasure. It's the perfect coat for collecting fire wood, for walking in the woods, for chasing small children and now grandchildren. How did I know that this coat would seal the deal for me? How did I know that the coat, him and me would be together for 46 years?

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.                                                                 Antoine de Saint-Exupery

We dated for two years before we became engaged, I was the reluctant one. It was the era when young couples were just starting to "live together". Sounds funny now, but then it was daring. I wouldn't do that figuring it would break my parents heart. It was with a great deal of trepidation Mr. G asked for my hand, my heart, my body and my head. I said, yes. A good decision then and now.

If anyone could view into the future and see all the trials and tribulations that assaults even the best of couples, I doubt that anyone would wed. We were only 21 when we married and our hearts were clear and our goals similar. We knew that we loved each other passionately, we liked the same kinds of people, we made each other laugh, we trusted each other implicitly, we found each other interesting, and most of all we wanted an adventure. We were living in Dayton, Ohio after graduating from college and it was a perfect place to be from. Mr. G applied to many Universities for graduate school and got into them all. The most exotic one was in the Northwest and so that's the one we chose. We packed up our Mustang convertable [loved that car], pulling a UHaul trailer [really stupidly heavy for that car] and moved to the great NW. Ah yes,  I found out I was pregnant. Everything was thrilling for us.

I will write more on the years from our move to the Pacific NW and how we keep the thrill in the thrilling in another post.

A ridiculous statement for today would be "everything is thrilling for us each day." and so it isn't. But more days than not, more months than not, more years than not, more decades than not, we are still thrilled with each other. I must admit that there is a lot of hard work involved in keeping the thrill from being gone. I also must admit there is lots of luck in finding someone who changes in the same direction you are heading. I am so fortunate in that my head, heart, body and mind are in harmony with this man who is my own true love.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Daughters of My Heart

 All of the gorgeous smiling young women in my life.

Lauren and I at the Nutcracker



There is no cure for birth and death but to enjoy the interval. George Santayana

Any of you that have been reading my blog know one of the most significant moments of my life was when I had a very longed for stillborn daughter, 35 years ago. [see post 3/12/11] It is a cliche worth repeating; it broke my heart and temporarily crushed my spirit. I got up my courage to try another pregnancy, did it and had another disaster. That time I lost a little boy at about the four month mark. Horrible. Alas, I was unwilling to go through that again, so no living daughters born unto us.

Luckily for me, I have four sisters and a brother. Three of these sisters gave birth to my eight nieces, my brother married a terrific woman and then, [hear the hallelujah chorus,] my sons married wonderful women and those daughters in law gave birth to my two sweet  granddaughters. This is quite a slew of females, hence all of the smiling faces that you see. I'd like to point out that all of these young and older women helped lessened my loss and filled my heart with joy. I couldn't wish for better women in my life.

Because I have so many daughters of my heart it has been vastly easier to let go of the grief that haunted me for years. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot replace what is lost, though many people mistakenly believe "the new kitten will completely replace the old beloved cat", it doesn't stop the grieving from the one you lost.

Forces of Nature

Alive Arrive
She arrives:
a small astronaut projected, propelled out of my womb
vibrant, lusty voiced and lovely.
Facing the world with bright eyes,
ears alert to the thunder outside our window.

Hope Cope
Enduring weakened kidneys through childhood until
the well received transplanted one I gave her
rejuvenated her body.

Grow Know
A fiery force into her teens, more scholarly than athletic
graduates at the top of her class then hits college
like a slap
erupting victorious from hallow halls--
education plus her determination abounds.
Powerfully she strides into her twenties,
always remembering us, honoring us with connection,
a loving laugh, funny stories, kind words.

Drama Trauma
Study of the fault line brought her to California,
land of dreams.
Our buddy Pete's climbing accident hobbled him,
gathering all of us to his bedside urging him well.
Pete's doctor mended his bruised body and she stole his heart.

Kiss Bliss
The wedding in July to Pete was attended by
a loving crowd of friends and relations.
Mother of the bride integral in every detail:
the elegant poi de soir gown; hand crafted invitations;
the simple, lush flower arrangements.
Father of the bride with his indulgent smile,
mocking and mimicing empty pockets,
secretly delights in the show.
He whirls and dances with glee, his little girl grown,
now wed to our friend and so happy.

Sorrow Tomorrow
She remained the small astronaut,
never had life beyond her nine months within me.
Pete did not survive his fall,
his ebullient spirit silenced at 26 years.
She can never be, nor can he.

Grieve Leave
Volcanic emotions arise less often, but when they do
they drag whole continents into the core,
leaving behind the swirling gray dust
which billows into heaven.
Susan R. Grout                         2004

I used to torture myself with the "what if's" and learned that the fantasy wasn't actually helpful. But I do love that fantasy and have been reluctant to say good bye to it. Hence, I wrote this poem as a tribute, a healing and a good bye.

Love is always there, even when the ones you love are gone. I am rich indeed with the new loves in my life.

susansmagicfeather dopyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Feminism and Churches

Is There Any Hope for the Pope?

Ah, the Pope he wears a dress-
says he'll excommunicate
any fag who's in drag
for in his position
it's competition
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the pope he lives alone-
peons serve him on a plate,
condemns all women from his throne,
for to him it's chillin'
if any woman is willin'
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope who lives alone-
has no women near his throne
so no female can ever bother
this very holey father
says it's Mary he adores
[though we've heard this all before]
and he's attempting to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope he's never married,
disgusting thing to procreate,
children, babies make him harried,
though he needs them for his coffers
since there are no other offers
to get all the gold he can hold
and you're learning his true feelings.
Susan R. Grout               1995

A big question today, as it has been for centuries: what happened to women in all religions of the world? Why is it almost every major religion's policy is to exclude women from all the important functions of the churches? How can any level headed female today participate in a church which, for all practical purposes, shuns them because of their sex? From Muslims, to Jews, to Catholics to Baptists to Mormons, to name just a few, the treatment of women in their teachings and rules is frankly humiliating and in my mind, laughable.

Until very recently no woman was allowed on the altar in the Catholic churches, no altar girls. This has changed but priests are still not allowed to marry as if being intimate with a woman somehow makes the priest unclean. My own sainted Mother used to say, "if they allowed priests to marry they'd fill all those empty pews." She was right. And even though the Episcopalians have allowed women ministers for over a decade, and married clergy, I'm thinking they've not come to ruin.

My conclusion is that the men in charge are afraid. But of what? That women will bleed on their altar? That women will be unwilling to follow the rules that fosters misogyny and lets females be treated as second class citizens? Laughable.

What is not laughable is one sad statistic: 99% of the pedophilia in the churches is caused by men. I know that the Catholic church has gotten all of the publicity and lawsuits about the pedophiles, but truth be told, there are an equal number of pedophiles in all major religions, [see the list above] especially the ones that are fundamentalist and oppressive in their attitudes towards women. What all of the sexual predators in these hierarchies of the churches have in common is their sex: male. So remind me, why aren't women playing a bigger part in the hierarchy of these churches?

I realize that even though it is purported that the churches are all about spiritual values in fact they are also about power and money. This fact cries out for overseers.
Just as it is important for us to be electing more women in our country that is increasingly being less sympathetic to families of the poor, we also should be actively recruiting women as watchdogs in our churches. If these men want to keep the power in churches, they need to have check and balances. A good check for the males in power is to have someone of the opposite sex that can keep tabs on the emotional well being of their churches. This I realize is a grand fantasy on my part, but hey it's my blog.

So, is there any hope for the Pope?  I would bring back a Pope John the XXIII, the jolly one who opened the churches and gave everyone the go ahead for a friendlier church, more about love than money. Is there any hope for this Pope, a former Nazi
and one who doesn't recognize that value of condoms even when there is very real danger of a woman getting AIDS from her husband?  At this point, no. The Holy Father, that's really laughable.

Dante Gabriel Rossitti's St. Joan of Arc

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Third Chair

In this case the third chair was for me

I had three chairs in my house: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.

Henry David Thoreau

I have many, many chairs. So many that we recently gave away eight or more to friends, relatives and the Salvation Army, [my favorite kind of army]. This feels pertinent right now because I am in need of the third chair. After four days I am still trapped at the end of our country road with no hope of any society for at least two more days. Happily for me I have grown fond of my solitude and my home that's being organization and cleaned. At this rate I will even be filing the papers in my in- basket. Horrors.

Many psychologists contend that your personality is basically set in stone by the time you're two years old. In our family we're mostly extroverts. I'm one of six kids and I'm not shy, never have been. I'm also fond of saying "I have three siblings that make me look shy." These day that sentence could be revised because it is more like four siblings that make me look shy. As I age I have become more introverted, and quieter. This isn't supposed to happen. I think this is because my husband lives elsewhere and I listen for a living.

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?      Jean-Jaques Rousseau  

As any of you know that are following the blog, I am snowed in and no hope of company for a couple more days. I desire company, or society as Thoreau would say and since I have none I have gone about making my home and my cat my company. But I find I need more. So what has happened that partially filled that third chair is my dear friend Meg has called me every day, sometimes twice daily and requested when I took off on my cross country skis to feed the horses or to just jaunt on down the road that I call her back to say I survived. I loved that. Being the independent sort this never occurred to me as a safety measure as well as a pleasure having to check in with a friend.

I learned from Meg and I started to do my own call out, and though it doesn't replace the company of a warm human body, it is comforting. Both sons, my daughter in laws, the grand kids, sisters all heard from me. Naturally I was also in constant touch with my husband as he was a bit worried about me. "Never fear, I thrive in the isolation as long as I have my cat, my books, food, water" I said. What I learned in addition was the value and importance of the voices from the other end of the phone.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 susan r. grout all rights reserved

   

White Out

Real difficulties can be overcome it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.                                    Theodore Roosevelt

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.          
                                                             John R. Miller

It is white outside. When I woke this morning it was snowing so hard it could have been called a white out. I am like a child about the snow, I want to be out there frolicking. I want to build snowmen, snowballs, sled, ski and romp like a puppy. I can't today, I'm still sick with my laryngitis and know it would be foolish. Well, perhaps only a small walk, but then maybe my cross country skiing...

I talked with my husband this morning and told him "I'm going to ski the mile out to our truck [see yesterday's post on The Balancing Act] and put on the chains so I can drive to town." "Don't do anything dumb or dangerous," he said and I replied, "dumb and dangerous are my middle names." Made me laugh and hey, I try every day to be aware and amused, right?

I've been on 'overload worry' today. First, I called Mr. G's office and his secretary told me he was at the doctor's office "because yesterday he was complaining of pains in his left arm." Ugh. That hit me right in the heart. Here I am stuck with half of a foot of snow, sixty miles, snowy icy miles, between me and my love. Not the best feeling I've ever had.

Next my doctor called me to tell me my blood results were still funny [not ha-ha] and I need to see a specialist. Seems like overkill to me when my only symptom is excessive burping---seriously.

A bit later, I got a call from my neighbor and she needed the horses fed an extra time because of the extreme weather. So I did strap on my skis and skied down to the barn. After wrestling with the hay, and providing them with some water, I decided to take a small jaunt down the road. The wind was howling, the drifts were 2 feet in some places and I didn't get very far, but I needed to do that. It was so clear and white and fresh, it cleared my head. I turned back after going only half a mile because it was ardous. So much for my bravado of "I'm going to ski the mile and back to our truck." Ha, one fourth that distance in this weather was enough for me.

Finally Mr. G called back and indeed he was at the Doctor's clinic getting throughly checked out but quickly added, "everything looks fine so far." He's having more tests  Friday and won't be home until Saturday. Good thing for two reasons. One I want to stop worrying about him and applaud the tests and two, I can't get to the truck to pick him up on Friday with these snowy conditions.

I managed to have a very good day. I made Crunch Cookies and a fabulous bread, I skiied, I played the guitar, I made "snow cream" [snow with maple syrup and cream]. It's night now and I've enjoyed my time writing to you in this blog dear reader, you are good company. Now I'm going to write in my journal, watch a movie, read my book and then to bed. Do I know how to live and show myself a great time, or what?

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Balancing Act

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.        Plato

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.  Victor Hugo

The very balanced and well loved Rufus T. Firefly

Time and the lush gift of being able to spend the day the way I want, adds a certain sparkle to life. I'm the most fortunate of women because I enjoy this gift quite frequently. For some this can only happen with retirement, for others of us it can happen every day, especially those of us who love our jobs, our families, our friends, our pets, our dwelling and ourselves. I'm not going to pretend that this is my blissful state each day because life has a funny habit of throwing enormous kinks into what we desire--to have everything go our way.

This weekend would be an example of that. I always cherish time with my husband because he's only home for the weekends and lives in another city during the week. So we have a lovely homecoming. We usually start off having a great meal and time to talk face to face and enjoy each other's company over good food. That got disrupted abruptly when my niece, called to say "the brand new baby [my great niece] and her parents were on their way to the emergency room off island." Zoom, I packed a bag. While I was anxiously awaiting whether we were going to be on the next ferry, I made dinner.

Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.     Benjamin Franklin

When I'm upset, I cook. Something simple? No, never. I cook something complex enough that I have to pay rapt attention to what I'm doing. [In this case it was a prawn fettuccine with a lovely cream, wine, herb sauce plus blanched and then cooked green beans with a garlic butter reduction.] Crazy? Well, for others, it works for me to roar back to the here and now. Very Zen. I wish I could report that along with this intensity of cooking which absorbed me that I was as lovely to my mate as the dish I was concocting. Sadly, not so. Can't have everything: he got a great meal but a very troubled, preoccupied spouse. Happily for me he is patient, tolerant and not easily offended. Oh, and he loves me unconditionally. He is remarkable in that he does well in the tempests of life, some of which I create. Somehow he manages despite his bifurcated life to keep things in perspective, in balance.

Know thyself.   Plato

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.        Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have learned through a lot of hard internal and external work to create a  more balanced life. As I think I have explained in previous posts I believe that there is a continuum of people's reactions to life. Some are like calm Labs, some like amped up terriers. I'm tend to be more of the terrier variety so I continually work toward serenity and a peaceful attitude. I know myself: I'm hypersensitive to gore, violence, misogynists, racism, cruelty to animals and people, exploitation of the poor, weak and underprivileged. So I really limit the news, and topical information. I can read it, but it is hard to listen to though I do to keep myself informed. I stopped watching network news when Ronald Reagan got re-elected. [I still contend he had Alzheimer's throughout his second term.] This helps me to cope with the counseling practice by not overloading my ears and eyes. Mr. G always enjoys it when I go away because he rents movies I'd never consider watching, usually they have war in the title. War and gore-- I'm against it.

Though I was prepared for any eventuality that week end, I didn't have to go off island to the emergency room. Sadly, the baby ended up at Children's Orthopedic. We are all still very concerned but she couldn't be in better hands. Letting go is easier when the experts are handling things.

Enviable balance takes loads of practice

You have to study a great deal to know a little.  Charles de Secondat

Just today my balance got tested again, this time by a snow storm. I'm in the country, only three measly miles from town and I'm from Chicago, use to driving in the snow. So seeing as there were only a couple of inches of snow at my house, I set out. My road became increasingly snowy [6" or so] but I figured it was too late and near impossible to turn back. "Wish that I had thrown the chains into the truck" I muttered as I drove along the gorgeous road at 4 MPH. I made it up the first hill congratulating myself all the way and then when I was gently driving down the second steep hill, behold! an enormous truck was stuck at the bottom. I had to put on my brakes and yes, I did go skidding into the ditch. However, it was my great luck that with that enormous truck, helping the driver, was the local tow truck and its friendly owner. Instead of getting mad or frustrated ["I would've made it if he hadn't been in the way..."] I jumped out of the truck and promptly slipped on the snow and landed on my hip. More Lucille Ball than ballerina, I picked myself up and gave into the inevitable. I walked uphill for a signal and contacted all my clients, explained what happened, and canceled all of the appointments. Then I kibitzed with the tow truck owner [which I'm sure he really enjoyed], and he easily extricated my truck from the ditch, parking it by our mailboxes near the main road. Problem solved.

Perhaps maturity has raised it's ugly head. [I certainly hope so--I'm in my sixties.] The truck in the ditch, didn't phase me one bit. I have laryngitis today and probably should have canceled my clients anyway. But I'm stubborn and determined. If I give my word I'll be somewhere, I show up. Since I couldn't show up I walked the mile home to my house in the breathtakingly beautiful snow. A day at home with my cat, books, hot chocolate and soup, watching the snow pile up. Not too bad. It's going to be a good day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Who Cares---The Double Entendre of Faith

My country is the world and my religion is to do good.         Thomas Paine

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church---
I keep it, staying at Home---
With a Bobolink for a Chorister---
And an Orchard, for a Dome.            Emily Dickinson

My business is rather humbling. Because psychotherapy deals with people and all their complexities, you can never know everything. I continually self educate: I have taught and taken hundreds of workshops, I regularly read books, journals and psychological articles. I have worked for over thirty years in this field and in this small town so I know the people and the quirkiness of living on islands. I am not a specialist, rather a generalist with an eclectic style. So I have a good deal of experience and have accumulated some knowlege. And yet, and yet, there is this quality of mystery as to how and why the counseling I do with my clients works. I can give you guesses and usually end up asking the clients, "how do you think we're doing?" or "what was the most meaningful or successful part of our therapy"? Most of the time I have internally guessed correctly, but sometimes what works is really beyond me. It is as though there is this 'synergistic other' equation that comes into play, in addition to the client and myself. If that sounds too 'woo-woo' I'm sorry. It happens and it is part of my belief system. In the 12 Step venacular it's "a power greater than myself."

To know what you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease.      Lao-tzu

One time, years ago, I was working with a man whose dear uncle had been murdered in another state. He was going to the funeral and wanted to prepare and to vent. "I need to read you what I've written to see if it's OK." Since his family was connected to a Plains Indian Tribe where the ceremony was being held, he put his thoughts down as a prayer/poem. As he read the poem he had tears in his eyes and I happened to glance out the window where something was happening. "I hate to interrupt," I said, "but you've got to see what's going on out there." By the window flew first eagles, then came hawks, and then I looked at him and said, "I think you are witnessing a fly-by." He said, "the eagle is the totem animal of my uncle and mine is the hawk." That folks, is something you can't explain and I didn't try. I still get goose bumps thinking about it.

Another time a woman who had recently lost her job, taken a medication for high blood pressure and had a very bad reaction. She was feeling "out of balance" and kept talking about it during the session. Then, and I swear this is true, out the window I saw a seagull land on the top of the telephone pole in the alley. No big deal, right? Right. Until a second seagull landed on the back of the first one on the pole. Again I stopped my client and said, "you've got to see this." She said, "now, there is some balancing act." We laughed at the goofy gulls. She figured out she had to ask for help sooner, due to that gull not to me. And the best part: I still got paid.

I want to be the change agent, the ticket agent to an improved life that is richer and fuller than the one they brought to me. The opportunity is always there to help my clients change their lives for the better or, at a minimum, slog through a difficult situation more easily. Sometimes no matter what magic tricks I have in my hat, their situation may not improve. People get dread diseases and die, friends or partners betray them, the business goes belly up.  This brings frustration and sometimes sadness into my life, no matter how evolved I am at letting go of their problems. And when this happens I turn to my church which has infinite height and vast width and enormous depth: the great outdoors. I walk or ride my bike and I say my form of prayers for whoever I'm worried about or whoever's heart is breaking. This helps me and I want to believe that it helps them too. God knows.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Whys and the Wise of Loving Animals

                         One darling granddaughter pampering one lucky kitten

                       A fabulous spirit and friend, Rufus in his tuxedo regalia

You see before you two charming examples of pets that on a daily basis bring joy to their humans. The top one is Cashew and the bottom is my cat Rufus. Both are males and divine, very cuddly cats. The illusion that we all have, we that love our pets, is that to them we are gods and goddesses. We elevate our own status by this assumption and since I am hedging my bets I am the bestower of all things good and kind to Rufus while he is still gracing me with his presence.

Rufus is fourteen years old now and an indoor/outdoor cat. My history, of the cats that I've owned indicates that he will probably live a mere four more years if I'm lucky. I got him many months after the sad demise of the beloved Boo Boo [see post "Be Careful What You Ask For" in April]. Rufus's Mommie had been killed when he was only three weeks old. Someone brought him and his brother to the Animal Shelter where they lovingly bottle fed him. He is a lover, probably due to his unusual upbringing.  From the start, Rufus has given me so much more than I can ever give him. He greets me at the truck when I drive in, honking for him to come [and he does!]. Rufus is an absolute sweetheart with children, patiently letting them pet him and then licking them in return. They practically swoon with delight. He rarely meows except when he wants to go out or after I have been away on a trip, scolding me for not being around. He sits behind me on my chair when I eat my meals and purrs. He is the epitome of politeness, never begging for food, though this may have more to do with the fact that the only food he'll ever eat is kibble. Makes it easy for me to let him roam free, because remarkably, he doesn't kill birds or small animals; he is that fussy about his food.

I never liked you--not one bit.
When I licked your face,
I thought of biting off your nose.
Billy Collins   The Revenant

So this devotion that we assign to our pets may just be an illusion as Billy Collins pointed out in his very funny poem. However that ignores the pets who have preformed incredible and heroic acts at their own peril for their owners. So I am going to state that the affection that especially the dog and cats feels for their owner is genuine. So there Billy. I even knew a woman who's cat woke her out of a sound sleep when there was a fire in her apartment building. Self preservation, perhaps, but the cat could have escaped via the cat door and instead woke up her owner.

I am fairly sure that Rufus will be my last pet. I want to travel with my husband who is going to retire fairly soon. That Rufus is properly cared for when I am gone, concerns me greatly. I've worked out an arrangement with friends and relatives, yet I worry that someone will forget and neglect him. So, when he kicks the bucket I will restrain myself and not replace him.

As a therapist I know that many studies have stated that owning a pet is good for your health. I am all about anything that is good for a client's health. The studies show that the pets presence lowers a person's heart rate and blood pressure. Recently, hospitals have taken to employing therapy pets to bring comfort to acute cases. I know that when I'm blue and hurting there is nothing like my tuxedo cat to comfort me. 

However, just as I never encourage a couple to divorce, I also learned, the hard way, never to encourage a client to acquire a pet. Once, many years ago working with a very lonely woman, I  made the suggestion, "why don't you get a pet to help assuage your loneliness?" Her best friend and roommate had fallen in love and she was in a new town, knowing no one and her friend was constantly gone from the house. When I innocently suggested, "how about a pet?" I pictured her running to our local animal shelter and picking out a charming dog or a loveable kitten. The next session she came in and announced, "well I got a pet!" "Wonderful" I said, "what did you get?" "A horse!" "Oh, how nice, I wasn't aware that you had acreage." "Well, I don't and my roommate is furious that we have this horse in our back yard." Needless to say this provoked all kinds of problems which were eventually resolved when she finally donated the horse to the local 4H group. Needless to say that was the last time I suggested getting a pet as a good solution to resolving loneliness.

But secretly I do believe that everyone should have a pet or three in their lives. They bring such comfort and joy and there are so many homeless pets available. Tis the season people! So contrary to the above paragraph, I hope that if you don't have a pet you will consider owning one. Granted the pet may not be as fabulous as Rufus, but you never know...

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Recovering Quickly from Trauma

Mr. G and I enjoying each other at the beach

About to express a humble opinion with sister Kath

Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.

Doris Mortman

One woman can change anything. Many women can change everything.    Statement from Women for Women International

As a joke to my clients I say, "it's my humble opinion" and then tell them something that is definitely an opinion, not sure how humble it is. Nothing is more fun than having a good time with people, especially when they are unprepared for lightheartedness. People come to counseling with an anticipation of dread. So to ease their concerns, I always say, "you don't have to walk barefoot through broken glass to recover from old hurts and traumas." Unfortunately, this is not always true especially in the cases of profound loss. However, people dread rehashing terrible events in their lives and one way to avoid re traumatizing them is to use less invasive methods to resolve those traumatic events.

EMDR
Many years ago, as early as 1992, I started to read articles in my scientific journals that reported quick cures for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Naturally, having worked with trauma victims, I was highly skeptical and scoffed as I read. However, being a minimalist and leaning toward brief therapy in my practice I thought I'd give it a try. So I signed up and went to a workshop.

EMDR is the acronym for 'eye movement desensitization and reprocessing'. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it. Francine Shapiro who discovered this method while working with the wounded warriors from Vietnam. She was walking across campus and noticed that when she was troubled if she moved her eyes while thinking about the problem, her mood improved and she felt clearer. I'm imagining she said "what the hey".  Since many of these men had intractable PTSD, "I might as well try to relieve their suffering in a shorter amount of time, and try the eye movement theory". Long story short, it work remarkably well. Then she developed a protocol and started to teach others. I was among one of the first others.

At first the workshop leaders tried to scare us into being rather rigid with their protocol and I was fairly faithful in the first several months. All that changed when I went to a study group with other psychotherapists interested in practicing the EMDR method we were taught. I quickly discovered when we paired off and I worked on trauma from my own past, that the entire format for me was cumbersome. Another discovery was that sometimes really excellent results were available without going through the entire protocol. "I see the light", I said, just like Jim Belushi in "The Blues Brothers" without the church or the back flips. 

After the clients described their trauma and described their feelings surrounding that trauma, I would do a series of taps on their knees, or moving my hand in front of their eyes to make the eyes beat a la REM sleep. The technique depended on the person and how I perceived they would respond best. Some people don't like to be touched, some people find the eye movement uncomfortable, so the technique really depends on the individual's style. Next, I'd get feedback from the client to see how to proceed. After that I'd ask them to rate their distress [called the "SUDS" scale, subjective units of distress]. If the results were good,  and they felt amazingly better,  I'd ask them how they'd like to feel about the problem. Usually the clients came up with some fairly good ideas and solutions and if not, back we'd go delving into the distressing problem. I've used my method for years with great results.

Ever the questioner, I read about a method of getting rid of phobias, TFT, which again sounded like fiction. You guessed it, I signed up for a workshop sponsored by Group Health no less, giving some credence to what sounded like hokum. [Another post from March 28, "Having Fun With Phobias" will give you a very detailed explanation of this method.]

TFT is the acronym for Thought Field Therapy. I ask you, how do they come up with these names. Anyway what I learned was again learned best on myself. They asked for volunteers to show off the method of TFT. "Does anyone have a phobia that they would like to get rid of?" said the instructor. "Ha," I thought "I don't have any phobias." The first volunteer was a young woman who was afraid of heights. "Oh, that fear..." Anyway, we learned the protocol which is interestingly based on acupressure points and it worked in short order on me. Erasing in less than an hour a 38 year fear of heights.

As I might have mentioned in the 3/28 post I've had great success ridding people of their phobias. The hardest ones to let go of are fear of snakes. Why? If I was an anthropologist I'd suggest that evolutionally speaking we needed that fear to survive, as we were up in trees with the snakes. Also, people who grew up in places where poisonious snakes dwell have very good reason to be fearful.

Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance, to choose one's own way.          Viktor E. Frankl

One of the things that I have tried to address in my practice is this: people can recover from really horrible situations. Will they be affected forever by the awful events, yes, but the degree to which they can bring some joy and peace into their lives can definitely be improved. Counseling is just one way. Sometimes people rely on their faith, their church, their families and friends to recover from traumatic events. I often refer to Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. In the book he describes his incarceration in a concentration camp during WWII and how he survived and who best survived the Holocaust. They, the Nazi's took everything away from the Jews, even their bodily hair, but they couldn't take away their attitude. Attitude and choices and joy is what the best therapy works on. Choose each day to notice your freedom and find joy. Celebrate the best of the human spirit, love and love again.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

New Friends/ Old Friends

Judy and I have been friends since we were three years old



Meg, faithful, dear friend and Scrabble buddy, not our most flattering shot



Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.             Girl Scout camp circa 1956

All of my life I have been blessed with loving, wonderful people. I know this intimately by way of hearing all of the horror stories in my work. Hence I feel quadruply blessed. I value my family of origin, then I treasure my sons and their families, and also my big extended family and finally I dearly love my friends. Since I have written extensively about my family I would like to include my friends.


Here are Judy, Terry, Liz and Meg for our Christmas luncheon

 Who knows or can predict who's going to be your friend? You'd think the most important factor would be "things we have in common" and yet in my life that's not always proven to be the case. For example, when I first moved to this small town I had two little boys and of course didn't know a soul.  I needed some adult friends, so I joined an art class, thinking, "my entire family are artists, surely that will give me a starting base." Our first class assignment was to use our 'Inkle Looms' to create something that "pleased us". Another woman in the class, Colleen and I looked at each other and shrugged. The next week at class we were to exhibit our creations. First up was K. who wove an object d'art. Truly, it was spectacular: brown, grey and tan naturally dyed wool, woven with feathers, lichen and a madrona stick as a frame. I looked at Colleen and she looked at me and we put our heads down to supress giggles. The teacher asked, "who's next?" and several others showed their wares while Colleen almost at the same time said "we've forgotten ours at home." We raced out of the class laughing our heads off and agreed to go on a walk later.

That walk and that laughter has continued for over thirty five years. Our lives have contrasts, such as, I have this huge family, whereas Colleen's is small and she never had children. Then there are the commonalities: neither of us is artistic per se but both of us love crafts. Colleen's canvas is her gorgeous organic garden, her hand made soaps and lotions. Mine is my writing, cooking and knitting. We both love books and quiet walks. Colleen is quite the hiker and also reads all of the classics each year, going letter by letter through the alphabet. All you have to do is ask her, "what letter are you on?" she'll say, "I'm on G and am reading Gogol's Dead Souls" or "I'm on Z and reading Zola's Madame Bovary". She will then go on to critique and we'll have a lively discussion.  It's quite educational and fun to talk books with her. I believe her self education could go toe to toe with anyone's Master's degree in literature.

K and I, on the other hand, seemed to have a great deal in common, especially our children, our age, our mutual friends and yet, and yet, the friendship never gelled. Actually, as I write this I can clearly see now that Colleen and I had a great deal more in common, proven over the long run, whereas K and I, not so much. The bigger question is how did I know this at the age of 27? Colleen, by the way, was 19.

One clue for lasting and satisfying friendships is the degree of comfort with that person. Trying too hard doesn't make it in the long run, nor does an air of competitiveness--- that just yields tension.  Who wants a friendship that is tainted by tension? Not me. This is not to suggest that you can't recover from an argument. Only last week I had some disagreement with a dear friend which we talked out on the phone. And still, something gnawed at me after we said, "we're OK". So I stewed on it for half the morning. A therapist friend once told me, "if something's gnawing at you, gnaw back". So, a bit later, I made a run for town and stopped by her office. I apologized for sounding snippish on the phone and she went on to describe the truly awful week she had. We hugged and it was so worth it to get beyond the uncomfortable feeling.

 At Sarah's Wedding

Another plus is keeping the old friends who know your history and love you anyway. My dear friend Theresa and I have been through a lot together. She is the 'go to' fun person and until she moved from our small town the best friend anyone could imagine. We laugh at the same things, have the same energy, like to do the identical things and our kids were best friends. She will always hold a special place in my heart.




 Katie, Liz and I over looking Deception Pass

 Lastly, I want to make a pitch for new friends. Several years ago, I reconnected with an old friend, Karen who is a master at making new friends. I kind of hitched my bicycle to her and developed some good new friends. It is fabulous fun to be with a bike riding group, we have taken four long, 100 mile weekend together everyone was terrific. Now, in addition to also going to Pot Lucks again [!] and meeting other new friends, Liz, one of the bikers and I are going to explore Opera in depth with the aid of a course. You see, things can grow and change if you are open to the new and changeably oriented. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Small Town Therapist On Beauty

It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.                                                        Raymond Chandler

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.                                                            Phyllis Diller

Sometimes I wonder, why it's so hard for gorgeous women to age? My immediate guess is when someone, man or a woman is very attractive, their temptation is to freeze in place. They want to keep forever those moments when all heads turn as they enter a room. Studies show that the truly beautiful get more positive attention than those of us who are more average in the looks department. It must becomes like a drug, craving the constant attention and admiration. Now with the additions of Botox, fillers and surgery it is possible to extend that period, and to literally freeze the face in place. Frankly I can spot most facial surgeries at ten paces, can you also?

Am I saying that I believe that all cosmetic surgery is silly? Yes and no. The year after I did my master's program I wanted nothing heavy to read for awhile and I took out a subscription to Vogue magazine. Then looking at all of  the photo shopped bodies, I was always grateful when I'd see, toward the back of the publication, a picture [thank you Smile Train], of some little kids from foreign countries who had disfiguring cleft palates and badly needs surgical reconstruction. Gives one pause and perspective.

 Quite recently the ages that women were considered attractive and desirable was fairly narrow [ages 15 to 40...], compared to men [ages birth to 80]. For women the window of attractiveness has been recently extended [thank you Helen Mirren and Annette Benning, Bette Midler etc.]. Years ago I got to appreciate Dianne Keaton in her blooming second career. She had an age breaking role in "Something's Got To Give" a delightful comedy. Yet the true irony is that her co-star, Jack Nicholson is nine years her senior. Supposedly it was daring casting by Hollywood to have an "older couple" fall in love. Happily, and this indeed was daring, they cast Keanu Reeves, seventeen years her junior, to fall in love with Dianne. This is never unusual for men but it is very unusual for women especially on the big screen.  Ah, a break through!

My earliest exposure to cosmetic surgery that made sense, was a neighborhood little girl who was my brother's friend. Little Louise had ears that only Dumbo's mother could love. Necessary and an easy procedure, it made a big difference to her even at an early age to have her enormous ears trimmed back. The next one, in my book not so great, was the college friend who had a very distinctive, slightly hooked nose. A couple of years after we graduated my husband and I went to a party and she'd had a 'nose job'. She no longer had a beautiful, exotic and interesting face. Instead it was a pleasant face and acceptable though bland and dull by comparison. However, she was  happy about the transformation,  so what can you say? My husband and I found this disconcerting but, hey, it's none of our business. By the way, she was a blonde.

There are other forms of surgery I have vigorously encouraged for my clients. These clients came to me for psychological screening prior to various surgeries. The most common ones were 'Lap Band' for the grossly obese; breast reduction for the very top heavy and surgery for intractable pain. I can report that 9 times out of 10 these surgeries were successful and made huge, life changing differences to each person. I also might add none of them flunked this test: wanting an entire new personality due to the surgery. A better life, yes, a completely different person, no.

I am befuddled by the surgeons that will operate, repetitively, on a person for cosmetic surgeries. Isn't that against their code of ethics? Besides the obvious--money, what other possible reason than a grotesqueness could motivate someone to agree to unnecessary surgeries? Voluntary pain seems crazy to me. Do people have the right? Yes. Is it healthy? No. They should read Geek Love by Katherine Dunn, where the people in the novel cut off their limbs to emulate a man who was an unfortunate victim of a nasty birth defect.  I think her point was, "let's really examine this admiration of leaders and the craziness that can lead to insane behavior to emulate their leader." Ah, also think politics...

Think for a minute, in your own life, who are the most beautiful, attractive people you know? When I was analyzing this I came up with a good list. What all of them have in common is authenticity, genuine sense of self, a good sense of humor, intelligence, kindness and a certain air of generosity. I love the saying in the 12 Step groups "what works best is attraction rather than promotion." I believe that all the emphasis put on [especially] women and gay men to be beautiful is developing their promotion side when they should be working on the depth and width of  their character.

Living it up via boat on the Isle of Capri

This gentleman got frozen in time in the 1st Century in Pompeii

Now that said, I as a human being and a psychotherapist, am a big proponent of healthy living and a loud advocate of doing the best you can with what you have. Constant attention to defects of face or body can be annoying at best and soul destroying at worst. Face it people, we are all going to end up part of the earth or the atmosphere. So, while you're hanging around, enjoy what you have and love yourself.

susansmagicfeather  2023 Susan R. Grout