Parenting a la Grout

An example of some excellent and loving parents

Another wonderful set of parents

Today I read an article about parenting that had an emphasis on 'attachment' by the parents to the emotional and physical needs of a child. The authors went on at great length to explain that a parent avoid becoming defensive and annoyed when your child was, well, annoying. Their revelation in the article was that we as therapist need to have empathy for the poor parents of a difficult child. I could hardly contain my, well, annoyance at the authors. Why on earth didn't these two men [who are probably good therapists, considered experts in their field] think to discuss parental relationships with a good therapist who also happens to be a mother? The revelation in the article was not astounding to those of us who parent not only with our heads, but also with our hearts, our guts and our sense of humor. A full bodied approach.

Before I became a mother I was such a free spirit. I used to say, "No man will ever dominate me."  Now I have a six-year-old master.      Sally Diaz

The problem, as I see it, is parents are unwilling to be amused by their own children. I especially see this today with the "uber parents" or worse the paternalistic parents. They fear that if they secretly chuckle when their three year old announces "you are not the boss of me," they will lose the struggle for domination and so they tend to come down menacingly hard on their kid. Who wants to be in such a black and white relationship with your own child? I always had fun with the boys even when they were exasperating, [two cars in a ditch in one night, sneaking out of the house, etc] they were, at their core, a delight. I recommend to all my clients the same piece of advice, have fun with your kids.

Love and Logic vs. Logical Consequences

Many of my clients have taken a course called "Love and Logic" and for the life of me, from everything I've heard, it's merely a retread of the "Logical Consequences" technique that my husband and I used as parents. The concept is simple however it does require that you think creatively. If Johnny makes a mess, you hand him the sponge, the broom, etc. have him clean it up.  Then help him after with a gentle reminder that the house doesn't get tidy all by itself.  You never have to throw a hissy fit and you don't have to endlessly lecture. Just, "clean up the mess John and then  remember if you don't want to have to do so much work, clean as you go." Logical. This makes sense and is refreshingly better than "Johnny you made a mess and I am going to have to spank you," or worse, "stupid kid, go to your room." Either of these examples teaches nothing good, makes no logical sense and has negative consequences in the long run. Get the idea? The kid that doesn't do his homework isn't grounded per se but required to stay at his desk until the assignment is finished, and can't go anywhere, even on the week end. Logical. Of course this has to be age appropriate. At 3 years old if they are fighting with a sibling, separate them into a time out of say 5 minutes and add, "I'm not going to allow you to play with your brother until you are nicer."  If they are 12 or so then the time out is longer and apologies are expected. We raised our boys that way and I think it works. Logical, make playing with the sibling a privilege.

Dog Training
Something else that works with kids is dog training. I always say "catch them doing something right and praise, praise, praise. Ignor the annoying behavior, and if you have to, lock yourself in the bathroom." I went to a workshop once, merely to complete my 36 credits I am required for my license every two years. Turned out it was great. It was about dealing with difficult children. The highlight of the program I then made into a simple two page handout; praise at the right time and create an atmosphere for success. Worked like a charm. I'm over simplifying but here is the jist plus the suggestions that I give to all parents to create happier, healthier kids:

1. Make an effort to notice when the kids has done something well, eg. cleaning up, not chasing the dog, finishing their homework.
2. Appreciated the little things that might get a pass like: being respectful, using good manners, fun attitude.
3. Notice and praise when they could have acted miserably and didn't; like missing out on a friends party because the family has other plans, not throwing a tantrum in the grocery store...
4. Choose to focus on the good, the behavior that you want instead of what you don't want, be a good cheerleader for your kid.
5. When the rules that you have put forth are broken, unceremoniously, without the lectures and the drama, give a time out.
6. Teach your child forgiveness and model good citizenship, be a coach for the good of the whole world.
7. Be respectful of your child but don't mistake respectfulness for taking yourself or them too seriously.
8. Most importantly as you are coaching, cheeringleading and teaching-- have fun.
9. Keeping a sense of humor and a flair for the ridulous is important in getting through the trying and difficult times.
10. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.
11. Turn off the machines, read to the kids or when they are old enough read together.
12. Have adventures rather than the piles of endless stuff.
13. Enjoy the miracle of the life you have been given and in turn the miracle of the lives you are living with.
14. Singing, dancing, creating art projects all develops parts of the brain that are not emphasized in schools, so do it at home.
15. Take care of yourself impeccably, it will pay off doubly for you and for the child.
    

Our granddaughter has always had a fine sense of the absurd

Tomorrow I will focus on what goes wrong and how to kindly and lovingly correct it. I will also focus on having compassion for yourself and what it means to take care of yourself impeccably.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved