Boundaries Part Two: Remedies and Solutions

Supposing someone said to you, "guard this property with your life!" and then left you standing out in the middle of a field without a clue as to exactly where the boundaries are. That, my friends, is what it's like for many adults. They truly don't know where their personal or others boundaries are. They can't draw the line, because they don't know where the line is and so it makes their life and human interactions a bit difficult.   


An easy example of how problems develop with drawing the line and boundaries can be illustrated with dogs. Dogs that are trained with love, kindness, respect and patience tend to be "good" dogs. Dogs that are trained with brutality, neglect or abandonment are either whimpering neurotic messes [weak boundaries, withdrawn and fearful] or aggressive dangerous threats to all [rigid boundaries, violating others and nasty]. I realize this is fairly simplistic, but if you apply this to human children, [read the above substituting the word children for dogs]  you more or less get the same results. 

Below is a list of solutions for people who have either weak boundaries or the people whose boundaries are too rigid.

                WEAK BOUNDARIES                                            RIGID BOUNDARIES

• accept nervousness when you speak the truth         learn to be flexible
• pay attention to your gut                                              respect other's wishes
• tell the truth and run                                                     accept "no" from others
• ask for what you need                                                    back off when asked
• let go of other's feelings                                                  stop using fear to manipulate
• explore the roots of your weaknesses                          explore the roots of the rigidity
• enlist a support group                                                     enlist a support group
• align your self with positive people                               become more open minded
• consider therapy                                                              consider therapy
• put your responses on hold                                            let go of instant gratification
• correct errors                                                                   learn to admit being wrong
• give answers that are assertive                                    respect others limits
• accept some conflict in relationships                             listen to honest feedback
• set limits                                                                            pay attention to others ideas
• get a spine, stick up for yourself                                    stop using anger to control others
• don't just keep the peace                                                accept ambiguity
• accept gray areas of interaction                                     accept gray areas of interaction
• change is good, growth too                                              change is good, growth too
• be loving and good to yourself                                        be generous and loving to others.

Summing up the above list, it becomes obvious that people who are the boundary violators rule the roost with fear, intimidation or inducing guilt in their relationships. People who are compliant and have weak boundaries tend to be fearful, insecure and seemingly unable to stand up for themselves. This is where the gut comes in handy: if it feels uncomfortable pay attention to your body.  If you feel fearful remember that there is no fear in a loving relationship. Remember too love diverts fear and encourages calm, tender emotions. If the person that you love is constantly invoking fear, and making you feel guilty, remember there is a simple solution to this complex problem: tell them to knock it off or you'll leave.

Here's some good sentences that you can use on people that are trying to control you with fear, intimidation or guilt: 

• I'm sorry you feel that way
• I have a different opinion 
• let me clarify my position
• I choose not to live that way
• You know how I feel about your anger
• Call me when you've calmed down
• If this is a tug of war, I'm dropping the rope
• I accept this is difficult for you but this is not OK with me
• I'm leaving now, call when you can talk rationally about this

I've dealt with so many couples where the extremes of boundaries underlies their issues. Because of my personality, I like to use humor, whenever respectful and possible, to lighten up tense situations. This interaction often works."How old do you feel when you're cringing in that chair? How old do you feel when you are puffing out your chest?"  Both parties end up laughing at the absurdity of their behavior which, if you examine it, is mostly childish. 

Back to those dogs I wrote about at the beginning of this post. Is there any hope for them [or the children who have been abused and mistreated]? The answer is a definitive yes. 

Long ago I read a study by Martin Seligman, et.al in which they purposefully induced neurosis in dogs trying to prove their theory that helplessness can be taught. They had these poor dogs in a cage, on a metal grid and would intermittently shock them until the dogs became shambling, shaking, pathetic creatures laying down in the bottom of the cages awaiting the next shock. Horrible!

Happily for the dogs these scientists were kind human beings who felt it wasn't right to leave them in this state. After the experiment concluded---which proved that intermittent shocks, like  many rough blows in life, could indeed induce "learned helplessness"---they decided to see if they could reverse the curse. Here's what they did.  They used sausages as rewards and they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages." And that's how change is born, with rewards either external or internal. 

People who are raised in those extremely poor environments can and do recover every day. It takes diligence, discipline and a good dose of support from loved ones including a professional. They can learn to either shore up their boundaries or become more tolerant and flexible. Reverse the curse, get out of the cage and live a life with less fear, that is more rewarding with better boundaries.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Be True to Yourself: On Boundaries

I can offer lots of advice, good advice.  Advice that's been passed down from generation to generation and never been used.                           Bob Monkhouse

I'm talking to the local Hospice group on October 26th about "The Importance of Boundaries in Our Lives" which is such a big subject I needed to narrow it down---ah, put some boundaries around it. So I decided to speak about personal boundaries. To put it simply--where I end and you begin.

Boundaries define us, it's the 'what's me and what's not me' of a person. Actually it isn't quite so black and white-- because in life, as in our relationships, there's a lot of gray areas that tend to rear their heads and shout, "hey, what about...". Humans, not being robots, can radically alter their opinions with a life changing event. For example, many people believe they could only love a child with their own DNA. Then it happens: they discover pregnancy is not an option. Many find out that an adopted child brings joy and deep love into the family's life. In other words, people grow and change with experiences. Change can be life altering and positive. In counseling I always tried to encourage flexibility and exploring other ideas, solutions and options. This leaves room for an open mind, 'what's not [like] me' can change. Because this change can bring great joy, it behooves all of us to be open to change, to stay flexible, accept responsibility for ourselves, our feelings and our actions.

The most common ways that people think of boundaries in relationships are physical and emotional. The easiest to describe are the bad examples, when physical boundaries are violated. This includes sexual or physical abuse; people who stand too close or  attempt to hug you when you really don't want to be touched by them. Then there's the opposite: the 'distance-rs'  the people who never let you come closer or hug them or touch them even though they're your good friends, or the ones who purposefully choose to ignore you in an insensitive manner. These are the obvious boundary violations that most everyone has experienced. [The exceptions are different cultures where there are different standards on physical and emotional boundaries, I'll leave that for another post.]

However, there are more subtle personal boundary violations that we, due to fear, let slide. These are the ones that are felt and carried out, yet may not be recognized by ourselves, our family or closest friends. They include:

• pretending to agree when you don't
• concealing your true feelings, saying "I'm OK" when you're really hurt or angry.
• going along with friends or family when you don't want to 
• declining to join in due to fear or insecurities
• pushing yourself beyond what is comfortable
• working too hard or too long
• doing too much for others
• saying "yes" when you mean "no" or the opposite
• lack of sleep, impairing your ability to function properly
• ignoring your needs, physical and/or emotional
• not eating or over indulging
• too little time alone or too much time alone
• too little exercise or too much exercise
• withdrawal from friends
• too much or too little leisure time activities
• over using or abusing drugs or alcohol
• using compulsions: eating, sex, gambling, shopping, etc.

Summarizing the above list, it's rather obvious that this describes a person who has little self respect and is unable or unwilling to set limits. Their" internal moral code"* is either weak or being constantly violated and they don't have the tools to correct the problem.

*Internal moral codes are the hallmark of a healthy ego. A perfect example is having self respect and sticking up for yourself and your own moral code, what you believe in.  I'll start with one of my favorites,  the obvious, "love one another" which Jesus, and every other spiritual all- star,  spouts. Everyone knows the feeling of not speaking up when someone cracks an offensive sexist or racist joke. You walk away feeling like a schmuck... and you should! If your moral code includes, "love one another" as does mine, how does a racist/sexist comment figure in that equation? This is a good example of you violating a personal boundary by not sticking up for your own moral code. I'm supposing in that instance, when the offensive remark or joke was cracked, insecurity and fear played into the inability to tell the truth. I have a remedy and a  favorite expression that summarizes what to do in situations like this: 'tell the truth and run'.

Here's a list of responses that can be used when your moral code is sensitized or violated:

• I disagree
• I won't listen to that
• that's offensive to me
• I'm not willing to go along with that
• I choose not to be that kind of person
• stop that
• That hurts
• It's/that's wrong
• that's bad/mean/offensive/insensitive
• have you considered that most of the world is female including your own mother?
• I have a black, Chinese, lesbian, gay, transgender, cousin...
• you sound just like my great grandfather when you say things like that

If your boundaries are too weak it shows that you have a lack of self respect, if they are too rigid it conveys fear of intimacy or change.  The roots of these extremes, either rigid boundaries or weak boundaries, are derived from two sources: childhood experiences and/or innate temperament. There are babies that stiffen if you try to hug and cuddle them and other babies that melt into your arms and want as much cuddling as possible.  That's innate temperament and something that can be worked on with the understand that all people are not created identically. The other extreme is childhood experiences, the worst being sexual, physical and emotional abuse. This leaves the grown child with either a huge amount of fear for every interaction or sadly, they become abusive themselves. 

Healthy boundaries are clear and flourish when we value ourselves our ideas, decisions, feelings, perspectives and wishes. We accept differences in ourselves and others. 

What I see as troubling in the country right now is the unwillingness to be flexible. Witness politics: there is an insistence to conform to extremes, especially with the radical right wing. Aren't they supposed to 'love one another'? The moderates are buckling under, no matter that their opinions might differ. With this kind of rigidity we all suffer. This kind of rigidity, at it's worst, is what leads to wars. Speak up all you moderates! This is the time to have enough self respect to tell the truth.

Tomorrow [or very soon] the ways to resolve the weak or rigid boundaries. 

susanmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved