Daughters of My Heart

 All of the gorgeous smiling young women in my life.

Lauren and I at the Nutcracker



There is no cure for birth and death but to enjoy the interval. George Santayana

Any of you that have been reading my blog know one of the most significant moments of my life was when I had a very longed for stillborn daughter, 35 years ago. [see post 3/12/11] It is a cliche worth repeating; it broke my heart and temporarily crushed my spirit. I got up my courage to try another pregnancy, did it and had another disaster. That time I lost a little boy at about the four month mark. Horrible. Alas, I was unwilling to go through that again, so no living daughters born unto us.

Luckily for me, I have four sisters and a brother. Three of these sisters gave birth to my eight nieces, my brother married a terrific woman and then, [hear the hallelujah chorus,] my sons married wonderful women and those daughters in law gave birth to my two sweet  granddaughters. This is quite a slew of females, hence all of the smiling faces that you see. I'd like to point out that all of these young and older women helped lessened my loss and filled my heart with joy. I couldn't wish for better women in my life.

Because I have so many daughters of my heart it has been vastly easier to let go of the grief that haunted me for years. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you cannot replace what is lost, though many people mistakenly believe "the new kitten will completely replace the old beloved cat", it doesn't stop the grieving from the one you lost.

Forces of Nature

Alive Arrive
She arrives:
a small astronaut projected, propelled out of my womb
vibrant, lusty voiced and lovely.
Facing the world with bright eyes,
ears alert to the thunder outside our window.

Hope Cope
Enduring weakened kidneys through childhood until
the well received transplanted one I gave her
rejuvenated her body.

Grow Know
A fiery force into her teens, more scholarly than athletic
graduates at the top of her class then hits college
like a slap
erupting victorious from hallow halls--
education plus her determination abounds.
Powerfully she strides into her twenties,
always remembering us, honoring us with connection,
a loving laugh, funny stories, kind words.

Drama Trauma
Study of the fault line brought her to California,
land of dreams.
Our buddy Pete's climbing accident hobbled him,
gathering all of us to his bedside urging him well.
Pete's doctor mended his bruised body and she stole his heart.

Kiss Bliss
The wedding in July to Pete was attended by
a loving crowd of friends and relations.
Mother of the bride integral in every detail:
the elegant poi de soir gown; hand crafted invitations;
the simple, lush flower arrangements.
Father of the bride with his indulgent smile,
mocking and mimicing empty pockets,
secretly delights in the show.
He whirls and dances with glee, his little girl grown,
now wed to our friend and so happy.

Sorrow Tomorrow
She remained the small astronaut,
never had life beyond her nine months within me.
Pete did not survive his fall,
his ebullient spirit silenced at 26 years.
She can never be, nor can he.

Grieve Leave
Volcanic emotions arise less often, but when they do
they drag whole continents into the core,
leaving behind the swirling gray dust
which billows into heaven.
Susan R. Grout                         2004

I used to torture myself with the "what if's" and learned that the fantasy wasn't actually helpful. But I do love that fantasy and have been reluctant to say good bye to it. Hence, I wrote this poem as a tribute, a healing and a good bye.

Love is always there, even when the ones you love are gone. I am rich indeed with the new loves in my life.

susansmagicfeather dopyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved