New Friends/ Old Friends

Judy and I have been friends since we were three years old



Meg, faithful, dear friend and Scrabble buddy, not our most flattering shot



Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.             Girl Scout camp circa 1956

All of my life I have been blessed with loving, wonderful people. I know this intimately by way of hearing all of the horror stories in my work. Hence I feel quadruply blessed. I value my family of origin, then I treasure my sons and their families, and also my big extended family and finally I dearly love my friends. Since I have written extensively about my family I would like to include my friends.


Here are Judy, Terry, Liz and Meg for our Christmas luncheon

 Who knows or can predict who's going to be your friend? You'd think the most important factor would be "things we have in common" and yet in my life that's not always proven to be the case. For example, when I first moved to this small town I had two little boys and of course didn't know a soul.  I needed some adult friends, so I joined an art class, thinking, "my entire family are artists, surely that will give me a starting base." Our first class assignment was to use our 'Inkle Looms' to create something that "pleased us". Another woman in the class, Colleen and I looked at each other and shrugged. The next week at class we were to exhibit our creations. First up was K. who wove an object d'art. Truly, it was spectacular: brown, grey and tan naturally dyed wool, woven with feathers, lichen and a madrona stick as a frame. I looked at Colleen and she looked at me and we put our heads down to supress giggles. The teacher asked, "who's next?" and several others showed their wares while Colleen almost at the same time said "we've forgotten ours at home." We raced out of the class laughing our heads off and agreed to go on a walk later.

That walk and that laughter has continued for over thirty five years. Our lives have contrasts, such as, I have this huge family, whereas Colleen's is small and she never had children. Then there are the commonalities: neither of us is artistic per se but both of us love crafts. Colleen's canvas is her gorgeous organic garden, her hand made soaps and lotions. Mine is my writing, cooking and knitting. We both love books and quiet walks. Colleen is quite the hiker and also reads all of the classics each year, going letter by letter through the alphabet. All you have to do is ask her, "what letter are you on?" she'll say, "I'm on G and am reading Gogol's Dead Souls" or "I'm on Z and reading Zola's Madame Bovary". She will then go on to critique and we'll have a lively discussion.  It's quite educational and fun to talk books with her. I believe her self education could go toe to toe with anyone's Master's degree in literature.

K and I, on the other hand, seemed to have a great deal in common, especially our children, our age, our mutual friends and yet, and yet, the friendship never gelled. Actually, as I write this I can clearly see now that Colleen and I had a great deal more in common, proven over the long run, whereas K and I, not so much. The bigger question is how did I know this at the age of 27? Colleen, by the way, was 19.

One clue for lasting and satisfying friendships is the degree of comfort with that person. Trying too hard doesn't make it in the long run, nor does an air of competitiveness--- that just yields tension.  Who wants a friendship that is tainted by tension? Not me. This is not to suggest that you can't recover from an argument. Only last week I had some disagreement with a dear friend which we talked out on the phone. And still, something gnawed at me after we said, "we're OK". So I stewed on it for half the morning. A therapist friend once told me, "if something's gnawing at you, gnaw back". So, a bit later, I made a run for town and stopped by her office. I apologized for sounding snippish on the phone and she went on to describe the truly awful week she had. We hugged and it was so worth it to get beyond the uncomfortable feeling.

 At Sarah's Wedding

Another plus is keeping the old friends who know your history and love you anyway. My dear friend Theresa and I have been through a lot together. She is the 'go to' fun person and until she moved from our small town the best friend anyone could imagine. We laugh at the same things, have the same energy, like to do the identical things and our kids were best friends. She will always hold a special place in my heart.




 Katie, Liz and I over looking Deception Pass

 Lastly, I want to make a pitch for new friends. Several years ago, I reconnected with an old friend, Karen who is a master at making new friends. I kind of hitched my bicycle to her and developed some good new friends. It is fabulous fun to be with a bike riding group, we have taken four long, 100 mile weekend together everyone was terrific. Now, in addition to also going to Pot Lucks again [!] and meeting other new friends, Liz, one of the bikers and I are going to explore Opera in depth with the aid of a course. You see, things can grow and change if you are open to the new and changeably oriented. I recommend it.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved