A Treatment Program for Recovering from Any Addiction

           

It can be difficult to free yourself from the spider web of addiction

             OUTPATIENT TREATMENT PROGRAM ON  A 
             PSYCHOTHERAPEUTIC MODEL

For a long time, I have wanted to put this therapeutic model out to the larger community. This is what I have done for the people that I see who have problems with addiction. I believe this program if followed, is successful with the addicts and also with their families who have to deal with them.

Here are my recommendations for an outpatient program for people trying to recovery from chemical dependency, or from behavioral addictions.  I like to require a holistic approach for the mind, emotions, body and spirit as alcoholism, drug addiction and behavioral addictions affects all of these greatly and in equal measure. By behavioral addictions I include: gambling; pornography; sex; shopping; cutting; and a host of others.

When the person has studied, understood, examined and integrated this holistic approach into their life, it vastly improves their chances of not only getting free from the addiction but staying that way. This approach enables them to lead a healthy, addiction free life, to enjoy their recovery and to lessen the occurrence of relapse.

• The following is a brief outline of the suggested treatment program which requires the client to meet weekly for, at the very least, six months.

Spirit-   I recommend concentrating on this in the very first week of the program.   AA, Al Anon, NA and the Behavioral groups based on the AA model is at the very heart of the program. It is used an integral part for successful sustained recovery from any addiction. Over the many years that I have treated patients, I have seen transformation occurring starting with working these 12 Steps** recommended by the program. Included in this wise AA model is meditation [and prayer for the more religiously oriented] as a daily, or even hourly, reality. In the weeks of the first month I require studying and writing out a Step One** and Step Four**. In these steps the client examines and takes full responsibility for their life and their actions. After doing the work of the Fourth Step the client is ready to think about step Five**, 'telling another human the exact nature of their wrongs'. Then comes the self forgiveness and acceptance of their past and their responsibility to change their future. Next is rehearsing of proper amends as suggested by Step Eight** which can lead to a new maturity of thought and actions, and the discovery of what is essentially meaningful to their new life.

Mind-  In month two, the client is to examine what has happened to the emotional mind. This requires dissecting the internal/mental set up for their mind and emotions which have been profoundly affected by the many years of addiction. This is to find out, in other words, what the client is repetitively thinking and then telling themselves. Not surprisingly, this is usually incredibly negative and demeaning thoughts which can influence their actions. The issues to explore are: shame; prior abuse both emotional and physical; the family of origins role in the abuse; current and/or old  feelings of depression;  hopelessness and despair over the inability to control their addiction on their own. 

Brain/ Mind- The work of the third month is looking at the brain and how it functions. The client learns with addictions, especially alcohol and drugs, other conditions such as depression, anxiety disorders, ADHD, bi polar illness, and a host of personality disorders are notoriously masked. I teach and draw upon the latest brain and behavior research on how to tame cravings. An important fact is how obsessive thinking must be interrupted in order to stop the cravings. The client learns how to train the brain away from repetitive thoughts and discover effective substitutes for what the addicted brain craves. Next, the client examines what their triggers are that start the craving process and how to avoid those triggers to prevent relapse.

Body- In the fourth month the client learns about the physical ramifications of alcoholism, drug abuse and behavior addiction. We'll also look at the research that shows why alcoholism is a disease comparable to diabetes and how a healthy body contributes to sobriety. Another aspect is the nature of addiction itself and who succumbs to it, why someone gives into addiction and again the physical triggers that cause relapse from the recovery process.

Body- This fifth month has a component of fun as well  information and interesting facts. Using the "you are what you eat" philosophy, we'll add  "also, you are what you do and think". I give copious examples of  what healthy living and eating looks like. Included in the last month are: relaxation without chemicals; nutritional awareness; exercise as a component to recovery; body awareness; breath control; mindfulness meditations and again, awareness of triggers leading to repetitive  compulsive thoughts [simply put, "stinkin' thinkin']. We'll learn to break that cycle that leads to relapse. 

   

Bibliotherapy- I am a big proponent of reading books that can contribute to recovery and greatly enhance the enjoyment of their newly found sober, addiction free life. Here is a partial list of books that I've relied on: Terry Gorski’s  Understanding the Twelve Steps; Passages through Recovery from Addiction,; James Milam’s Under the Influence; and The Soul of Recovery by Dr J. Ringwald.  Also included are many autobiographies, biographies, novels [and even films] that are rich in inspiration and a pleasure to read and view in recovery.

**The Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Her/Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked her/Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood her/Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As a parting comment, in my many years it's been my privileged to work with many wonderful people wanting to recover from addictions of all kinds. Admittedly,this is difficult work, but it's been incredibly rewarding. So much has changed since I started working at the then, "Community Alcohol Center" in 1978. The field of recovery from addictions has gotten richer and deeper and I am honored to have been a part of it. As I see it, when I, or anyone who is getting sober contributes to the community [and possibly the larger world] it not only helps to reach beyond one’s self but it helps the world. That's significant and important work in my book.

Mistakes--Ah, Nevermind

To err is human to forgive is divine.   Alexander Pope

Mr. G came into the bedroom, "hey, aren't you going to get up?" I had fallen back to sleep, so I smashed my way out of a dream I was having about my Grandmother teaching a small boy to play the cello as I was taking care of the baby brother. [Ever the caregiver.] I flew into action and we were up and out of the house in no time on our way to Ikea which is about 90 miles away from us.

Despite the rain, despite taking a few wrong turns getting there, despite the jungle of merchandise within the city of Ikea, despite getting disoriented in the vast building, we had a good day. Not only a good day, we were able to pick out and agree on a counter top for our laundry room-- the sole reason for the trip. Done and done. Nothing fancy just a robin's egg blue formica top and we loaded that boxed item into the truck and headed for home.

Lucky for us we got invited to our good friend's house for dinner which was particularly meanful when you haven't had time for lunch. We got home fairly late and didn't want to unpack that counter top.

A Saturday Night Live Skit:
Emily Litella [EL] "What's all this I hear about condemning violins on the TV? That is the dumbest thing I ever heard, violins are such a nice instrument..."
Jane Curtain, "Miss Litella, Miss Litella"
E L, "What?"
Jane Curtain, "Miss Litella, it's violence not violins!" 
E L "Nevermind."  
Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Jane Curtain on News Update Saturday Night Live

Today was devoted to yard work and because I was excited to see the counter top, I peeled back the card board with a great deal of caution so as not to harm the formica. To my everlasting horror, it was not the lovely robin's egg blue but a dull, dull grey. Immediately I thought, "how could we have been so stupid not to double check to see that we had the right one!?" I was really pissed at myself, and roared around the yard with my hedge clipper taking it out on the plants. I kept mentally revolving back to the idiocy of not checking at Ikea. Then I thought, "geez, give it up. It's only a laundry room counter and not as though it's your kitchen counter." And besides "I should be more open minded about colors, after all some people actually like grey." Not me but some do. I really didn't want to be a prisoner to my negativity. So I continued the yard work and stomping around trying my best to face the facts: we certainly were not going to drive 180 miles to replace something that was wrong but perfectly acceptable.

The day was sunny and fine. I kept chastising myself for being annoyed and I kept trying to feel OK about the grey. Hard to feel truly awful on a sunny day in the garden.

After a bit, my husband came home from his errands in town. I said, "well, we blew it, the countertop is definitely grey, too bad we didn't check."  Without saying a word, but with a certain smirk on his face, he picked up the counter top and turned it over. It was robins egg blue on the other side. Nevermind.

A view of the Bridge of Sighs that prisoners look at from a small window in their prison in Venice.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Many Paths to the Buddha

What's the use in wondering

 if the ending will be sad

 and if it's time to break and run away...

Rogers and Hammerstein from "Carousel"

Many years ago, in my senior year in college, I worked in a Children's Hospital as a 'Play Therapist'. I learned a very hard lesson and a good lesson. First of all, some of these children, the very sickest ones, were never going to get well. As instructed by my professors, I held myself back from "overly attaching" and tried to keep an emotional distance from some of the sicker little ones. Then, one of the friendlier nurses convinced me to be with a little boy down on the ward as often as I could. His name was Arthur and she said, "no one in his family comes to visit this little two year old, he's quite a dear."  Arthur was suffering from kidney disease, all swollen in the abdomen and indeed he did resemble a Buddha. And sweet, oh my, the word was invented for Arthur. I not only let down my guard, but opened my heart and grew to love him so fiercely, ignoring the obvious consequences of his devastating illness. Each day he would greet me as I walked into his room with my toy cart. He'd bounce on his butt and wave with his little hands, his crossed chocolate eyes registering delight. He couldn't talk, just grunt, so we just held hands while I showed him toys, read to him and loved his curly head. This went on for months, then I left on vacation for my wedding.

When I came back after my honeymoon, I couldn't wait to walk into Arthur's room. I brought him something and was full of anticipation. He wasn't there. I asked my favorite nurse, "where's Arthur?" and she said rather matter of factly, "oh, didn't anyone tell you? He died last week." I burst into tears, ran down the many flights of stairs and never went back to that hospital again. Guess that was my version of formal resignation at 21 years of age, I was overly attached to Arthur and couldn't face my grief. That was the hard lesson. Still makes me cry when I think about Arthur, but also smile that it was so worth it. It was my privilege to know and love him. That was the good lesson.

"When you're down and troubled and you need some loving care,

and nothing, nothing is going right..."
Carole King

The people who come to sit before me as clients need my storehouse of knowledge and vast array of therapeutic techniques. Yes and yes. But they also need to be honored and made to feel safe and comfortable. It's been my privilege through the years to see hundreds of people and yes, I grow to love them. On the subject of over attachment, one of the best pieces of advice I got was from my years in Al Anon. On this rather mind boggling subject of attachment, I learned to respectfully love my clients and in Al Anon it's called "loving detachment".

Entire fat books have been written on the subject of loving detachment but done in a rather obscure, imperious fashion--eg. The Differentiation of One's Self in One's Own Family of Origin. Now, doesn't that sound so complex and intellectual? When I was in Graduate school I decided, "man, I don't know anything about that and since it sounds important, I'll sign up for the workshop". At the workshop the author talked, mostly helpfully, about family of origin issues. Then it came to describing the meat of the workshop and he rattled on an on about "the difficulties and dilemmas a family member faces in growing up and moving on with their life". He asked: "how on earth could they be part of the family yet a separate individual [differentiation]?" He stressed how terribly complex differentiation really is. Puzzled, I raised my hand and asked, "isn't this the exact same concept as learning 'loving detachment'? It's encouraged by Al Anon and they suggest using it in your family." You know what the workshop leader did? He exploded at me! He said, "the Al Anon folks have no sense of humor!" and other disparaging remarks about Al Anon. Really answered that question, didn't he? I was embarrassed but saw his overreaction for what it was: defensiveness that he hadn't thought of that first. Naturally, I'm putting myself in an excellent light to show this point. However, in my view he needlessly complicated a difficult action with a fancy title as though it was his idea.

Defining 'loving detachment' is easy to describe, and difficult to actually do. Loving detachment is the ability to hold steady with yourself, to stay loving and open, and to acknowledge your beliefs, even if they are very different from your family of origin. In fact, it is a mature and gracious attitude requiring practice, practice, practice. Over reaction and temper tantrums would be an example of its opposite. When I am the therapist in counseling, the same holds true for me. I listen respectfully, sometimes even tearfully, to the dreadful things that happen to people, yet all the while telling myself: "I honor what is brought to me, I don't have to grab it and run with it, or take it home with me". I frequently make suggestions or comments, I'm certainly not a passive therapist, but I realize these problems are not mine. If I kidnapped their traumas and tribulations that would be dishonorable. To aid in letting go of their troubles, I am fond of telling clients that "we're going to put those bad thoughts, feelings and ideas right into the Puget Sound, you can release them." And funny thing, that's just what I do too, I let them go and I lovingly detach.

"close your eyes and think of me
 and soon I will be there
to brighten up even the darkest night."
C.K.

Hopefully, each person I see is going home with many useful tools they can pull out when needed. On their path to peace of mind and tranquility I teach loving detachment and letting go. Taming the amount of worrying you're doing is an important way to find peace in your life. One tool I give is a method of dealing effectively with worrying. I swiped this idea from an excellent source, Jennifer James, and now it's unrecognizable as hers and is mine. This is an good way to make some sense out of rumination and turn it into a creative process.

TOP TEN FAVORITE WORRIES LIST

1. Get a pad of paper, or a journal or a sketch book and pen and write down 5 to 10 items that you regularly worry about [money, aging, kids, health, friends,etc...]
2. Make sure that you include everything that might keep you awake at night.
3. For no less than 15 minutes, no more that 20 minutes, ruminate on these items.
4. While you are worrying, write down any insights, ideas, jokes, songs, doodles that come to you in the allotted time that you are worrying.
5. Fold up the paper,  put away the journal, the sketch pad, etc. in a drawer or anywhere safe and out of sight.
6. If one of the items should creep into your consciousness during the day say to yourself, "Oh, I already did that!"
7. If it's a nagging and persistent thought, write it down and let it go by saying, "I'll tackle that tomorrow."
8. Breathe and be proud of yourself.  

What we're all after in life is to be loving and peaceful, delighted and fulfilled. So in my work we do repair, reparation and healing. Counseling is just one way, there are many paths to the Buddha. Lucky me, as a young woman I got the privilege of meeting a live Buddha and I am grateful I took the risk of loving him despite the consequences. That was the good, yet hard lesson.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Coping with the Inevitable Fear Life Brings Us



"He was greatly taken aback, he stood perfectly motionless, but with a look of a sylvan creature on the point of fleeing away. He turned with agitation and his hand trembled so that he nervously took up a small object..."
Nathaniel Hawthorne first meeting the woman who was to become his wife by Charles Robert Gaston

Petting the wild beast is not a good idea

In the last couple of  posts, I've covered the first two problems [laziness and diet and exercise] with my list on how people gum up their lives. Next on the list is most people's favorite topic, ta da, fear. What's really unfair is we humans are born with a healthy amount of fear as part of our biological makeup. We are programed so that fear, and the fight or flight response, keep us safe. The human race could have been neatly wiped out in a couple of millennium if we'd stopped to pet the wild beasts. Happily for all of us, built into our brains is a system that gives us this red alert to run and flee upon any encounter with a dangerous animal.

Things start to go awry when, for whatever reason, our brain falsely triggers our life saving adrenaline. Then adrenaline kicks in and it vastly overcompensates for ordinary situations.  A good example of this is phobias and fear of cats [elurophobia] comes to my mind. My paternal grandmother had a pathological fear of cats and my unhelpful Grandfather thought it was wildly funny and would tell us as kids, "go put the kitty in Grandma's lap." Screaming ensued, cats were horrifying and alarming to our poor dear Grandma.

 I love this dear and treasured creature

Too much adrenaline can leave the body and the mind in a state of constant alarm and lead to exhaustion. This is the pathology for our age: too much to do, to much over stimulation, not enough down time or sleep. We're almost proud of it, I hear people brag about this. However, when the brain is overloaded it's tendency is to misread ordinary situations as stressful. I give myself as an example of that. Many years ago I was commuting to graduate school, I had a part-time job and an internship; and I was raising teenagers. Some could, I'm sure, do this with aplomb but in my mind it felt more like a bomb. I was as taut as a guitar string. Once a friend caught me crying while riding on the ferry enroute to school. "What's up?" he said. "I'm going to turn in my paper that I spent the weekend on and it's not my best work," I said. "Do you have time to do your best work?" he said. "God, no! I barely have time to sleep." I lamented. "Well turn in the paper and accept that it's not your best effort, it's not the end of the world." All too true and I did calm down and let my standards [too demanding and too high a bar for my circumstances] drift down a notch.

One of the consequences of these repetitive danger and warning signals firing in the brain, can be panic attacks. I have helped many a client through the dreadful feelings of panic and more importantly how to prevent the attacks. As I have mentioned in post before, phobia are one of the easiest things to treat. Panic attack and prevention takes a bit more time. If you've never had a panic attack, it feels as though you are having a heart attack.

Interestingly, because of our over scheduled, high pressure society, people can be in a constant state of alarm.  One of my friends believes that's why there is such a prevalence of antidepressants and tranquilizers. People are so over stimulated that they can't soothe themselves naturally so they need to artificially calm down, hence the drugs.

It is my considered opinion that psychopharmocology has gotten in the way of good therapy. There is certainly a case to be made for antidepressants for severe depression and the very necessary drugs for cases of bipolar illness and schizophrenia but the rest of the time, with a few exceptions, drugs are ridiculously overprescribed. Take the uppers used on children for ADD/ADHD. I have argued for over twenty five years that the first course of action should be family therapy and second, look at the diet and exercise programs of the patient. Currently, the statistic is that one out of ten boys in this country is on some upper or another [adderal, stratera etc.] this just plain silly. Plus I believe it sets them up to have an addiction problem. Please remember who is doing all of the studies on the necessity of these drugs: the drug companies themselves. Do you think there might be a teeny-tiny conflict of interest?

It is normal to feel fear, it's uncomfortable but oh so human to be afraid at times. As a matter of fact, this is a good way to challenge yourself, do something that makes you anxious. Take a chance, risk it. Another  magic prescription for coping with fear/anxiety, sadly for the drug companies, is to teach people to soothe themselves. This can be through changing the invasive thoughts, meditation, writing in a journal, making a cup of tea, doing relaxed breathing and practicing breath control, yoga, exercise, massage, talking to a friend you trust [or a therapist, priest, shaman], going outside for fresh air, smiling, distracting yourself with a good book, etc.  The list is long, but what is not on there is drugs, they mask--- they don't teach lasting calm. No one is going to make money off this list therefore no one is trying to sell these ideas and suggestions to the general public to combat the fear.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Jumping Like a Puppet

This statue is of a man in pain, not laughing but agonizing.

My mother always says fear and pain are immediate, and that, when they're gone, we're left with the concept, but not the true memory--why else, she reasons, would anyone give birth more than once.                                  The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obreht

I had total hip replacement in September and I took notes about the surgery and the recovery. I'm glad I did because if anyone today would ask me about the surgery, I'd be apt to reply, "Oh that, it was a piece of cake." That's my reality today but that is not the truth of what really happened. Yes, I'm no longer in the agonizing pain I experienced prior to surgery. Nor am I in the very real discomfort that went on for weeks after the surgery. As stated above, fear and pain are immediate. How soon we forget and thank god we do.

One of the reasons I put off the surgery for so long was simply: I was afraid. Granted we did have crummy insurance as an excuse, but the other reason was plain old fear. I am not a big fan of voluntary pain. However the pain I was experiencing prior to surgery convinced me that I needed to sign up and sign up now for the surgery. I did, I'm so grateful. Yes indeed, the memory of the fear and the pain have faded so considerably that I have to refer to my journal to remember. That is one of the blessings of the brain.

Unfortunately sometimes the brain gets habituated to fear and pain --- the grooves in our grey matter can run very deep. This is more of a curse or worse. Sometimes our brain keeps erroneously sending out pain and fear signals that make us jump like puppets, long after the pain or the fearful situation is over. My job is to help people retrain the brain.

Tell us all your phobias and we'll tell you what you're afraid of.               Robert Benchley

Anxiety/fear can give us a graphic example about this phenomena. I've had more than a few clients come in with a phobia that started in childhood. One man said, "I tell everyone I'm allergic to bees, but that's not true. I'm afraid of bees." No surprise, he had a dreadful encounter with a hive as a child, hence the fear. Though understandable, the reality is that not everyone that's been stung has this fear. Most of us, at one time or another, are stung by a bee or a wasp and that experience, though unpleasant, fades from memory. This man's anxiety was constantly triggered as a child and he tried to hide the truth with his lie. Instead of facing his fear he used the allergy ruse as his excuse. I cured him with just a couple of sessions, facing the fear, and doing a series of EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing]. After a couple of sessions I said, "hey, just by coincidence, there's a bee on that window ledge,"[I can be a real comedian] to which he replied, "I'm bigger than the bee." Touche!

Pain is similar. Years ago I read a book Healing Back Pain  by John Sarno that convinced me that a good proportion of the repetitive pain people have is connected to the brain's inability to stop the pain signal. Many years ago I found this book because I was having a lower back pain that went on and on. His method worked for me. However, this is tricky to bring up with clients, because who'd want to admit to purposefully causing themselves pain? Going on the assumption that the answer is "no one", I then proceed to find out their medical history. If, like the young strapping man I saw some years ago, he had gone to several doctors and had every reason to be healed from the muscle strain he suffered months prior. I suggested he read the book. Very shortly [he was a quick study] he was enjoying a pain-free life.

The premise of Sarno's book is that the brain is distracting you with pain. These are unusually nice people who absolutely don't want to face/feel the anger or fear in their life. So, the brain valliantly distracts them from feeling what feels irrational or shameful. Sounds screwy, however you'd be impressed how often it works. The first step is to be suspicious of a lingering pain when all medical methods have been tried in vain. I did this and it worked for me.  I have seen people recover in a matter of weeks once they're on the program and realize the deception the brain is playing. The relief of not being in constant pain is enormous and this is very rewarding work. Life can be so sweet without nagging pain.

And sometimes life gives you a cherry on top.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

I Was Right When I Said I was Wrong

Consider the lilies of the field, or at least the mums and cabbages...

You can be right or you can be happy. Choose.      Anonymous

Once upon a time, my husband and I overheard this conversation: nine year old son, "hey that's not true." Eleven year old son, "well, I was right when I said I was wrong." Since that fateful day Mr. G and I have used that expression to soften the blow of being completely in error. Try it, it works and it's funny to boot---two of my favorite actions.

Maturity, for most of us, is a process of aging if you pay attention to the lessons in life and do it well. For some of us, the process is hampered by rigidity, addiction and/or fear. These people, you know who they are, always have to be right. This is a drag to be around and worse to live with someone who's like this. At best it's an irritant and annoying, at worst it's incredibly disrespectful and frustrating. One remarkable similarity that most abusive people have is their rigidity and insistance on being right all of the time.

When someone is always right, it tends to wear the people around them down. Now, if this is a friend, it's considerably easier to outmaneuver them:

1. You can merely pretent to agree, decide that they are wrong and not get into it,
2. you can divert the conversation to something else,
3. you could choose to ignore them or
4. you could decide to politely state, "that's what you think, but I disagree" and let the matter drop.

If this is a good friend, one of these tactics usually works. If one of these suggestions doesn't work and the person doggedly pursues the topic ad nauseum, well, I'd look for another friend. Life is too short, as they say, but life can be deeper and wider and you won't find it with annoying people in your life. Simple solution...

Things get a bit more complicated when the person who is rigid/right is a relative and someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. Ugh, the dread of these interactions can weigh heavily on the heart. I recall one of the best interventions I ever witnessed. We were at a wedding and a relative [Scott] was being harrassed to debate politics with this other fellow [let's say his name was Tim]. Scott said, "sure Tim, I'll talk politics with you if you'll dance with me while we talk." This put the brakes on conversation because Tim, being a homophobe, jumped back, end of discussion! Scott so nicely handled what could have ruined his entire evening with aplomb and humor.  I strive for this kind of intervention in my own life.

So, wonder if you're married to one of these folks. That is one difficult situation and one of the tougher clients I deal with in couples' counseling. However, if someone has decided to come to counseling, they have already loosened the tight bolt on their issue of having to be right all the time. So, that in itself is helpful and hopeful. As therapy progresses, I try to find out why admission to error, being mistaken, being wrong is such a disgraceful or terrible thing for that person. Sad to say, usually the roots are in childhood and connected to a storehouse of shame the client is dragging around. Now here comes the shocker: so what. All of us have things that we are toting in our emotional back packs. The difference is that the rigid/right person has little to no incentive to change, because you can see their logic: they're right! Sometimes if divorce is threatened it can bring about change in that person if the damage hasn't been too severe in the relationship. One of the unfortunate truisms in couples counseling is by the time the partner can convince the rigid/right person that things are crucial, there's lots of accumulated damage. It takes a Herculean effort to turn this around and, most crucially, the right/rigid person has to realize this and be willing to change.

We have just emerged, thank God, from the season of frenzied politics. Did you notice that a bunch of the always right people came out of the woodwork screaming and yelling? This goes for the folks on the left as well as the right. Obviously what is needed here is flexibility, an honest ability to listen, reexamine their respective postions and a willingness to be open to the goodness that can flow from learning a new thing or two.

I give you the example of the NRA as the ultimate always right about guns. In 1996 Australia had a horrific slaughter of 15 people by a man who had an assault rifle. They banned assault weapons in that country and haven't had an incidence since then. Isn't it only logical that if assault weapons were banned we would have less carnage in this country? Notice I did not say anything about hand guns or hunting rifles because that would be an all or nothing approach. But some legislation makes sense.

Many years ago I had a client who said, "it took me years to say 'I was wrr-wrr-wrong!' but now I say it with humor and relish that I can admit my faults." As a selling point, it does feel better to acknowledge our errors. I suggest that we all put a little joy into other's live and admit when we're wrong. That's when the great line from AA comes into play, "when wrong promptly admit it" and I would add, put on your grown up pants and apologize for being wrong. It's respectful and refreshing.  
Soooo sing along:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.
A-P-O-L-O-G-Y find out what it means to me!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Letter to Pope Francis

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

I do benefits for all religions---I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.                Bob Hope

All religions are the same: basically guilt, with different holidays.               Cathy Ladman

Dear most promising and potentially loving Pope Francis,

In my most head bowed, humble request I'd like to implore you in the strongest language [without one swear word uttered] to please be a Pope for all the people of the world. 

If you do this, you could literally save lives. This saving lives was true of the "Pope of the People", the late, great Pope John the XXIII. Prior to becoming Pope in 1958, he valiantly, without constraint, saved the lives of hundred of thousands of Jews, the handicapped, and Gypsies from the Nazis prior to and during WWII. Your opportunity is at hand. Without constraint and quite simply, you could encourage the faithful and the faithless to use condoms. This could prevent the needless loss of life to AIDS throughout the world. Just by making this a health issue, not a moral problem, you'd literally save millions of lives. Think of it, millions of souls saved by saying a few words. Then, another reality to consider: if your faithful do acquire AIDS and die, they leave their children behind or worse infect them also. The condom helps prevent children from becoming orphans. I believe this is the strongest and most loving Christian act: to help children of the world live and enable adults to lead healthier lives.

Another point I'd like to see you address is truth and bravery in the Church. This is something that the Catholic Church [basically this is true of all fundamentalist religions] has been cowardly about. Please come out strong and hard on the men who inflict harm on their small brethren, the defiled innocents. Take a stand! Use your position to not only condemn but punish the pedophiles who have sexually and emotionally abused so many children. Incarceration and excomunication come to mind as appropriate responses. Be fearless and point the way to holiness, goodness and truth. Use your position for good, it's only right to get abuse out of the church.  

I am hoping in your work with the poor in South American and championing their plights and rights that you will recognize and honor the good works done by the Nuns of the world. Lately they have been unfairly [and ridiculously] villainized by the former Pope and our  bishop in Seattle. These women give succor and love to the least loved and cared for in the world and this is the epitome of goodness. In short, this ministering to the poor and downtrodden is what the Church should stand for. The Nuns generosity should be cherished, acknowledged and valued.

Finally, thank you from the bottom of my soul, for injecting hope into the heart of millions of Catholics who were walking, or even running away from the Church in disgust. Take the road that leads to the greater good for the most. Let all your actions and utterances be based on love. Love is all there is. After all, isn't that the only words that can be verified that Christ said, "love one and other". Fulfill his dream [and mine!], be loving to all the people. 
Yours sincerely in truth and justice, Susan R. Grout

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Reversing the Curse: Getting Unstuck

One of my favorite bodies in motion

The port to a new life is wide and open.

In my almost forty years of counseling one of the easiest things to do with clients is help them get unstuck from a repetitive problem. First I have to figure out what's preventing them from having the life they want. Then I go through the initial interview with the question, "what would you like to see changed in your life or in your relationships?" This is client directed therapy and I aim to partner with the client to enable them to change their life. That question is most revealing and a very good start.

Below is a partial list of how I see people gumming up their lives:

1. laziness and stagnancy 
2. lack of exercise and an improper diet
3. fear 
4. greed and/or stinginess
5. depression
6. addictions to drugs/alcohol
7. poor choices in relationships
8. guilt from real or imaged mistakes
9. too much time viewing TV/computers/cell phones/i pads etc.
10. meaninglessness
11. unwillingness or fear of change
12. self-loathing
13. anger and hatred of self or others
14. grudge holding
15. narrow mindedness
16. purposely failing so they stay stuck.

Defining what's impeding clients from leading this desired happier life is the first step and then it's a matter of 'reversing the curse'. Starting at the top of the list is a huge culprit, laziness. This is usually a difficult one for people to admit, but if in fact they've not moved much from the couch, either mentally, emotionally or physically in years, they need to consider that they might just be lazy. They aren't alone. Currently, we Americans, are 16th among developed countries in longevity and one of the root causes for our poor showing is lack of exercise and a poor diet [#2 on the hit parade].

Isaac Newton stated: a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion. One of the truisms is that we're not in motion enough. The simple act of walking has become an ordeal for many and what's sad about that is, it compounds itself by creating the body at rest. Unsticking from laziness physically is analogous to trying to get dried up gum off the floor. There are many remedies to this sticky situation [pun irresistible] and all of them require effort. One way is to take a knife and pry it up, another is to apply ice and then scrape away. A jackhammer uses too much force and a gentle finger too little effort. But energy and the right amount of force will do the job. The same is true of laziness. It requires awareness, determination and then effort to get unstuck. Interestingly, energy expended begets energy. But you have to notice the gum on the floor--- then you have to want remove it. Otherwise there it sits.

You have to love whatever activity you choose.

Motivation to change and get moving has been described and re-described as though it is a mysterious process and yet it really isn't. Obviously if you hate a physical activity the reluctance and loathing will soon create the body at rest again. So pick something that you love to do. Since I was a little girl I've adored the freedom and the feeling of riding a bike. Naturally this is my number one go-to activity. When the weather is too crummy wind blowing a gale then walking and yoga are safer bets. If I'm lucky enough to be in a warmer climate then it's swimming and snorkeling. The commonality in all of these physical activities is that I love them and look forward to them.

Poor diet isn't all that complicated either: eat what is natural, avoid processed foods and keep your portions reasonable. The billions of dollars made on diet books that really could be pamphlets---but that's a deep dark secret that I've just uncovered. Two dear persons in our family recently lost 25 lbs. just by portion control and drinking 'lite' beer. Hey, everyone has their methods. It could be a book, The Lite Beer and Smaller Portions Diet, Try It!

The next part to laziness is mental laziness. I believe everyone agrees: there is so much work to be done cleaning up this world. Sadly there are so many able bodied and able minded people who choose to sit on the side lines and watch the world implode. This is the worst aspect of mental laziness. How on earth can we be a positive force in the world with inaction or apathy? We, the world's people, need all of our efforts to change the way things are being handled. We all need to clean up the environment, help our neighbors and the world's children who are due to inherit the mess we've made of things. The effort expended, through volunteer work or even writing a supportive check to a worthy cause, can contribute to the change we need to see in the world. If you will do this the positive action helps move you away from mental apathy. It also, even for selfish reasons, has been shown to . Agood recommendation to be altruistic.

Recently there have been a flurry of articles suggesting that learning something new, no matter what your age, can enhance your life, improve your quality of life, keep you sharp into old age and increase your life span.  For purely selfish reasons [endorphins calling] you could exercise and choose to learn something new each day. Some of the longest living people on the planet are active and life long learners. So, study what's important to you.  You can even study a new language from the couch! But be sure to get cracken', time's a wastin'.


Joyous activity begets more joyous activity.


susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved



Spouse Appreciation Day

My husband, Mr. G has been nothing short of magnificent throughout my recovery from the total hip replacement. His loving care and almost hovering concern allowed me to completely relax into recovery mode. It's not easy for me to accept a huge amount of help almost ever. There's a part of me that's independent to a fault and I bristle when someone is doing for me what I believe I can do for myself. This is illustrated by my walker story.

I was still using the walker ten days after the surgery. Mr. G was still getting up with me in the middle of the night when I had to clomp my way to the bathroom with the walker. I was sleeping downstairs in the TV room because at that point I couldn't handle the stairs. So we worked out a deal where I would call him from my cell phone to the house phone and he would come down and supervise me making my way to the toilet. One night on about the 11th day after surgery I awoke and thought, "this is silly, I can do this myself" and I clomped my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible. Then I clomped my way back and got into bed. Well, he heard me and, picture this, he came downstairs half naked, in just his Tshirt, still wearing his mouthguard. He was very annoyed with me and obviously concerned for my safety. He shook his finger and said, "You sshoudddn't get up by yourssthelf! I'm sstheriousth! You ssshhould'nt!" I tried to be grateful but he sounded so 'sthilly' I couldn't help it, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed.

Humor and the ability to see it in ordinary moments, makes for a great relationship.

There is always the mystery of why and how we were so fortunate to find each other and have such a loving relationship for well over 40 years. The truth is we are both stubborn, opinionated, have 'strong personalities', are sometimes argumentative know-it-alls, and these are just a few of our tragic flaws. On the other hand, he is the calm to my anxious, he is the logic to my shoot-from-the hip, he is the reasonable to my un, he is Mr. Consumer Reports to my snap decisions, he is the tall to my short, the philosophical to my worry-wart and the partner in crime to all my nutty ideas. In some respects, this relationship/marriage shouldn't work but oddly enough it does. Of course, great love for each other binds us together. That, and the ability to have a heated argument, be over with it in minutes, and sometimes laugh about it later. "I'm sstheriousth."

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Resilience, Flexibility and Commonsense

Inside of the ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.                                 Muhammad Ali 

Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks and courage.                                   Charles Luckman

As you might imagine in my over 40 year history in the field of psychology I've met more than my share of people who came from difficult backgrounds and tough circumstances. Some of them stayed bonded to their old wounds and lived life looking backwards.  Others not only moved on, but thrived in their adult lives. Why? In a word, resiliency.

I am fascinated by resiliency. I find the topic irresistible and even made it a key item in my master's program. I revel in the client who's triumphant over incredible adversity. Like the client, Darla*, who's been successful in everything she touches: Motherhood, business, friends and husband. Darla had to raise her siblings from the age of 11 because her  mother contracted a debilitating form of cancer and was bed ridden. Sadly, her mother lingered for several years then died an agonizing death. The children listened to their mother from the other rooms in their small home.

Somehow, with grit and determination, after her mother died, Darla was able to go to a community college. Then, when her father remarried, she left the house to pursue a University education. Of course there were dark, difficult times. Darla had an incredible need to not feel tied down, understandable from her upbringing. However, she was bright and open to new adventures. When a perfectly delightful man came along she stayed with him and eventually married him despite her dread of commitment. That's when I came on the scene, when she was trying to decide if she should take the plunge into a permanent relationship. I used my multi question method and after she had satisfied all of the questions, she took the plunge and married.

I said, "Darla here are some of the questions that I want you to answer."

1. Does this person make sense to me?
2. Is he my intellectual equal or better?
3. Do we speak freely with one another and agree on most important values?
4. Am I attracted to him, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
5. Does he make me laugh?
6. Do I feel safe and comfortable with him?
7. Would I trust him with a child?
8. Do I admire him?
9. Do my family and friends have the same good response to him?
10. What are my hunches about a future with him?
11. Is this the kind of person who can be a friend, go to bat for me, be someone who has my back?
12. Do I feel as passionate about him as he is about me?

In other words, the questions ask, what does not only my head, but my heart and my guts say about this person. If all three are in alignment, voila, you have a good chance for a life partner barring any gross fabrications. Darla had to be willing to give up her fear of commitment and let her commonsense about relationships aid her in her choice of a future husband.

The very good look of determination and resiliency.

I have found that the people who not only follow their heart but also pay attention to their head and guts do the best out in the wide world. They learn somehow to trust themselves. If they didn't get a boost at their home as children they did from other angels in their lives: grandparents, teachers, neighbors or relatives. The most resilient had the best breaks with loving siblings, teachers or relatives and really excellent capacities for flexibility---whatever life threw at them they'd grab it and deal.

Reach for the light in life

*a compilation of two clients

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Fantasize with Me for an Open-Minded Pope

The Pope has resigned and many of us "recovering Catholics" are cheering the news. Not that the Cardinals will elect anyone who is remotely open-minded or liberal, God forbid, but there is at least a chance. The reason that I have a seemingly ridiculous hope for a more liberal Pope is because I lived through the era when Pope John the XXIII [Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli] came to the throne and revolutionized the stodgy old, conservative church. He shook it up good.

Angelo Roncalli himself was surprised at being elected Pope. As a matter of fact he had a round trip ticket back to Venice--- that's how sure he was that he had no chance. Luckily for all of us he was elected in 10/28/1958 at the age of 77.

Due to his age, he was not expected to last long in his role as Pope, rather he was elected as a stop gap measure. Had anyone reviewed his record as a humanitarian I seriously doubt that they would have even temporarily elected him. But, interestingly, no one foresaw how he would become beloved in the entire world for his revolutionary ideas, his kindness and open-mindedness. 

John XXIII called the Second Vatican Council, something that had not been attempted for ninety years. Many good, forward changes came out of that Council, updating the church. It's amusing to me that the Church wouldn't have recognized that he was a fearless activist for human rights. The hierarchy of Catholic church tends to be against most human rights, and even today is apoplectic over the nuns helping the poor of the world, people choosing who they can marry, women as equals to men, and women's right to choose family planning. The current Pope was part of the Nazi's youth program which is ironic because John XXIII formally apologized to the Jews for the church's despicable behavior leading up to and after WWII. He said,

"We are conscious today that many, many centuries of blindness have cloaked our eyes so that we can no longer see the beauty of Thy chosen people nor recognise in their faces the features of our privileged brethren. We realize that the mark of Cain stands upon our foreheads. Across the centuries our brother Abel has lain in blood which we drew, or shed tears we caused by forgetting Thy love. Forgive us for the curse we falsely attached to their name as Jews. Forgive us for crucifying Thee a second time in their flesh. For we know what we did."

Out of Wikipedia I copied a few of the heroics of John XXIII did to save not only the Jews but others persecuted by the Nazis starting in 1935.

"As nuncio, Roncalli made various efforts during the Holocaust to save refugees, mostly Jewish people, from the Nazis. Among his efforts were:

• Jewish refugees who arrived in Istanbul and were assisted in going on to Palestine or other destinations
• Slovakian children managed to leave the country due to his interventions.
• Jewish refugees whose names were included on a list submitted by Rabbi Markus of Istanbul to Nuncio Roncalli.
• Jews held at Jasenovac concentration camp, near Stara Gradiška, were liberated as a result of his intervention.
• Bulgarian Jews who left Bulgaria, a result of his request to King Boris of Bulgaria
• Romanian Jews from Transnistria left Romania as a result of his intervention.
• Italian Jews helped by the Vatican as a result of his interventions
• Orphaned children of Transnistria on board a refugee ship that weighed anchor from Constanța to Istanbul, and later arriving in Palestine as a result of his interventions.
• Jews held at the Sered concentration camp who were spared from being deported to German death camps as a result of his intervention
• Hungarian Jews who saved themselves through their conversions to Christianity through the baptismal certificates sent by Nuncio Roncalli to the Hungarian Nuncio, Monsignor Angelo Rota.
• In 1944, during World War II, Pope Pius XII named him Apostolic Nuncio to France. In this capacity he had to negotiate the retirement of bishops who had collaborated with the German occupying power."

We have a church that not only tolerated pedophiles but until they were sued to bankruptcy in several cities, chose to hide these priests so they could abuse again. This is still the church that forbids any form of birth control including the condom. In some third world countries, pious Catholic men and women are having unprotected sex and dying from AIDS. Currently in Africa there are tens of thousands of children orphaned due to this epidemic. How can that be good and holy? Yet who is this church up in arms about? The Girl Scouts and the nuns.

By the way, technically, according to the rules of the church, any Catholic male can be Pope !  True, it's never happened before, usually only the Italian hierarchy, but my husband, Mr. G is busy dusting off his resume. Ah, men...

Is There Any Hope for the Pope?

Ah, the Pope he wears a dress-
says he'll excommunicate
any fag who's in drag
for in his position
it's competition
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the pope he lives alone-
peons serve him on a plate,
condemns all women from his throne,
for to him it's chillin'
if any woman is willin'
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope who lives alone-
has no women near his throne
so no female can ever bother
this very holey father
says it's Mary he adores
[though we've heard this all before]
and he's attempting to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope he's never married,
disgusting thing to procreate,
children, babies make him harried,
though he needs them for his coffers
since there are no other offers
to get all the gold he can hold
and you're learning his true feelings.
Susan R. Grout               1995

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

A Manner of Healing

Prior to the operation I was leaning to one side and favoring my right leg.

After my total hip replacement operation in September,  I wanted to be on the fast track to healing so I could again partake in the things I love: hiking, biking, swimming and dancing. At first I would say to anyone who'd listen, "I just want to be able to walk". This particularly made sense to the people who saw me prior to surgery  and witnessed me dragging my leg behind me. Ouch in more ways than one. However, after surgery and being human, as soon as I masterred walking again I quickly added, "I'd like to hike three miles pain free, no props." Now in addition to walking, hiking, and swimming my new goal is yoga and dancing. Never satisfied or reaching for a new goal? I can't decide if this is striving and worthwhile or dissatifaction and forgetting to be grateful for the newly appreciated pain free pleasures in my life. At least I'm not adding marathons to my list.

Competition

By nature I am a competitive person. I really didn't believe I was until I entered a "fun run" in our town many years ago. Mind you when I entered this race, I didn't jog at all and I ran hardly ever but that didn't stop me from entering. When I started I internally declared "I'll have fun and take it easy." My then eight and ten year old sons were in the same race and I didn't expect to keep up with them and that was fine by me. I was so proud of my boys and wanted them to do well, as for me it was to be 'que sera sera'. Except that wasn't true. When older or heavier people passed me by I felt compelled to surpass their efforts. You do realize how absurd this was, I hadn't trained for five minutes for this race. Well, I finished the race in a not too embarrassing time. Lordy did I ever pay for it! I couldn't walk for several days and was miserable trying to get to sleep at night. By God, I showed those older, fatter people a thing or two didn't I? I bet they really cared. My family made fun of me forever ---as well they should.







 This above story brings me to my recovery from the hip surgery. Intellectually I got the concept that I should be reasonable and go at my own pace. Did I? No. It didn't help that people who'd had the surgery years before told me they were walking unaided by canes or walkers after only a couple of weeks. I kept asking myself, "why is my recovery so much slower than theirs?" If I'm being completely honest, it did bother me greatly. I asked my physical therapist about this and she said, "they probably don't accurately remember their recovery..." The only thing I could compare this to was child birth. No one would have a baby two or three weeks after giving birth and happily this is not biologically possible. But a year after the baby is born, the old hormones kick in and you've forgotten the pain because you have this great product. So I think it's the same with the recovery from surgery. You forget the nights that you suffered because you did too much during the day [me anyway], the muscles screaming at you right after the surgery, the difficulty of moving without pain. Now that I can walk, hike, swim I keep reaching for the next level. I am trying my best to be sensible and mostly I am but at least a once a week I push too vigorously and pay for it at night. OW!



A very important part in my recovery was the support of wonderful people and a special feline.





How wonderful it is to be on the other side of healing from my operation in September. A surprise bonus was that I [with sisters Sally and Trisha and husband Mr. G] went to Kauai and each day did lots of swimming and snorkeling in warm water. The advantage: it jet propelled my healing. Prior to Kauai I was walking with a cane or trekking poles for long walks and now I don't need these props. The freedom is remarkable and not anything I will ever again take for granted in my life. To all of you who struggle on a daily basis with walking, and with pain, my heart goes out to you. Don't do as I do and over exert, "be loving and diligent" as St. Augustine said and then you can do whatever you want.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Extraordinary Inspiration from the Ordinary

You've probably had an experience where you expect nothing special and something extraordinary occurs. Consider this. My darling sister and I were traveling together and she suggested that we could get mani/pedis in a small town 15 miles from where we were staying for a good price. Any of you who know me know that this is not something I would ordinarily think of, but what the hey, I was on vacation so I said, "let's do it."

We set out talking excitedly about all the wonderful things we had done on our trip to Kauai, the miles flew by and soon we were at our destination a very unremarkable looking nail salon. We plopped down in the lush massage chairs and punched the setting on the chair which made us look like we were doing a seated rhumba. I got assigned a rather severe looking woman who spoke very little English but was proficient if rather bored with her job. As she was doing a competent but uninspired massage to my toes, ankles and feet I glanced over at the man who was working on my sister. He was a perfect 3/4th scale model of a Buddhist monk. Clean-shaven with a sweet face and a very deferential manner---"K" was, by contrast, totally immersed in his work. He reverently touched my sister's leg. With his head bowed he loving and professionally embraced her foot starting his job. With each massage, he used a devotion usually reserved for newborns. T glanced at me in surprise then melted into her chair, closed her eyes and allowed the generosity of his spirit to fill the room. He slathered her with various potions, scrubbed her feet with brushes, rubbed and filed each toenail with exactitude. Each act was done in a way one expects of a Catholic priest at the Good Friday foot washing ceremony. I watched in awe, knowing how important and how justly deserving this was to T.

Next we moved to the hand area and again my efficient nail technician did a very dutiful job of applying the oils, massaging my hands and painting my nails. All the while in the next seat sat my sister, and K was applying tenderness and caring in each expert stroke. Then they were deep in conversation.  I couldn't hear what they were saying but at one point, T said something and K's eyes began to blink rapidly and he excused himself and went into the lounge to collect himself. I couldn't imagine what had transpired and I looked over at her and she mouthed, "I'll tell you later."

Soon K came back and resumed his attention to T and their tete a tete. I meanwhile was finished with the mani/pedi and put out to dry under the lights. T came a bit later and we left for our drive back to the condo.

I said, "first of all, what a tremendous job he did on you, I was truly impressed!"
T said, "I feel like I've had a spiritual experience. I was hoping you weren't too envious but then I decided to just go with it."
I said, "I so admired his devotion and seriousness and how he approached each task."
T said, "you don't know the half of it. He is an artist."
Then I asked, "what happened in there?"
T answered, "He has only been in Kauai for ten days and this is his second day on the job. He's from Vietnam and when I heard this something prompted me to say: 'my mother traveled there and said it was such a beautiful country."
K said, "It is though not everyone feels that way and thank you for saying so."
Then T continued "I am so deeply sorry for what my country did to your country. And that's when K's eyes filled with tears and he had to leave the room. He came back and said,
K-"I've never had this reaction before."

We drove for miles in silence, each of us pondering the profound experience T had--- in a nail salon of all places. The world can be rich, deep, moving, reverent and meaningful even in mundane circumstances. What moves the world is connection and caring and in an ordinary nail salon on a Thursday in Kauai we found it that day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved