Resilience, Flexibility and Commonsense

Inside of the ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.                                 Muhammad Ali 

Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks and courage.                                   Charles Luckman

As you might imagine in my over 40 year history in the field of psychology I've met more than my share of people who came from difficult backgrounds and tough circumstances. Some of them stayed bonded to their old wounds and lived life looking backwards.  Others not only moved on, but thrived in their adult lives. Why? In a word, resiliency.

I am fascinated by resiliency. I find the topic irresistible and even made it a key item in my master's program. I revel in the client who's triumphant over incredible adversity. Like the client, Darla*, who's been successful in everything she touches: Motherhood, business, friends and husband. Darla had to raise her siblings from the age of 11 because her  mother contracted a debilitating form of cancer and was bed ridden. Sadly, her mother lingered for several years then died an agonizing death. The children listened to their mother from the other rooms in their small home.

Somehow, with grit and determination, after her mother died, Darla was able to go to a community college. Then, when her father remarried, she left the house to pursue a University education. Of course there were dark, difficult times. Darla had an incredible need to not feel tied down, understandable from her upbringing. However, she was bright and open to new adventures. When a perfectly delightful man came along she stayed with him and eventually married him despite her dread of commitment. That's when I came on the scene, when she was trying to decide if she should take the plunge into a permanent relationship. I used my multi question method and after she had satisfied all of the questions, she took the plunge and married.

I said, "Darla here are some of the questions that I want you to answer."

1. Does this person make sense to me?
2. Is he my intellectual equal or better?
3. Do we speak freely with one another and agree on most important values?
4. Am I attracted to him, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
5. Does he make me laugh?
6. Do I feel safe and comfortable with him?
7. Would I trust him with a child?
8. Do I admire him?
9. Do my family and friends have the same good response to him?
10. What are my hunches about a future with him?
11. Is this the kind of person who can be a friend, go to bat for me, be someone who has my back?
12. Do I feel as passionate about him as he is about me?

In other words, the questions ask, what does not only my head, but my heart and my guts say about this person. If all three are in alignment, voila, you have a good chance for a life partner barring any gross fabrications. Darla had to be willing to give up her fear of commitment and let her commonsense about relationships aid her in her choice of a future husband.

The very good look of determination and resiliency.

I have found that the people who not only follow their heart but also pay attention to their head and guts do the best out in the wide world. They learn somehow to trust themselves. If they didn't get a boost at their home as children they did from other angels in their lives: grandparents, teachers, neighbors or relatives. The most resilient had the best breaks with loving siblings, teachers or relatives and really excellent capacities for flexibility---whatever life threw at them they'd grab it and deal.

Reach for the light in life

*a compilation of two clients

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved