Many Paths to the Buddha

What's the use in wondering

 if the ending will be sad

 and if it's time to break and run away...

Rogers and Hammerstein from "Carousel"

Many years ago, in my senior year in college, I worked in a Children's Hospital as a 'Play Therapist'. I learned a very hard lesson and a good lesson. First of all, some of these children, the very sickest ones, were never going to get well. As instructed by my professors, I held myself back from "overly attaching" and tried to keep an emotional distance from some of the sicker little ones. Then, one of the friendlier nurses convinced me to be with a little boy down on the ward as often as I could. His name was Arthur and she said, "no one in his family comes to visit this little two year old, he's quite a dear."  Arthur was suffering from kidney disease, all swollen in the abdomen and indeed he did resemble a Buddha. And sweet, oh my, the word was invented for Arthur. I not only let down my guard, but opened my heart and grew to love him so fiercely, ignoring the obvious consequences of his devastating illness. Each day he would greet me as I walked into his room with my toy cart. He'd bounce on his butt and wave with his little hands, his crossed chocolate eyes registering delight. He couldn't talk, just grunt, so we just held hands while I showed him toys, read to him and loved his curly head. This went on for months, then I left on vacation for my wedding.

When I came back after my honeymoon, I couldn't wait to walk into Arthur's room. I brought him something and was full of anticipation. He wasn't there. I asked my favorite nurse, "where's Arthur?" and she said rather matter of factly, "oh, didn't anyone tell you? He died last week." I burst into tears, ran down the many flights of stairs and never went back to that hospital again. Guess that was my version of formal resignation at 21 years of age, I was overly attached to Arthur and couldn't face my grief. That was the hard lesson. Still makes me cry when I think about Arthur, but also smile that it was so worth it. It was my privilege to know and love him. That was the good lesson.

"When you're down and troubled and you need some loving care,

and nothing, nothing is going right..."
Carole King

The people who come to sit before me as clients need my storehouse of knowledge and vast array of therapeutic techniques. Yes and yes. But they also need to be honored and made to feel safe and comfortable. It's been my privilege through the years to see hundreds of people and yes, I grow to love them. On the subject of over attachment, one of the best pieces of advice I got was from my years in Al Anon. On this rather mind boggling subject of attachment, I learned to respectfully love my clients and in Al Anon it's called "loving detachment".

Entire fat books have been written on the subject of loving detachment but done in a rather obscure, imperious fashion--eg. The Differentiation of One's Self in One's Own Family of Origin. Now, doesn't that sound so complex and intellectual? When I was in Graduate school I decided, "man, I don't know anything about that and since it sounds important, I'll sign up for the workshop". At the workshop the author talked, mostly helpfully, about family of origin issues. Then it came to describing the meat of the workshop and he rattled on an on about "the difficulties and dilemmas a family member faces in growing up and moving on with their life". He asked: "how on earth could they be part of the family yet a separate individual [differentiation]?" He stressed how terribly complex differentiation really is. Puzzled, I raised my hand and asked, "isn't this the exact same concept as learning 'loving detachment'? It's encouraged by Al Anon and they suggest using it in your family." You know what the workshop leader did? He exploded at me! He said, "the Al Anon folks have no sense of humor!" and other disparaging remarks about Al Anon. Really answered that question, didn't he? I was embarrassed but saw his overreaction for what it was: defensiveness that he hadn't thought of that first. Naturally, I'm putting myself in an excellent light to show this point. However, in my view he needlessly complicated a difficult action with a fancy title as though it was his idea.

Defining 'loving detachment' is easy to describe, and difficult to actually do. Loving detachment is the ability to hold steady with yourself, to stay loving and open, and to acknowledge your beliefs, even if they are very different from your family of origin. In fact, it is a mature and gracious attitude requiring practice, practice, practice. Over reaction and temper tantrums would be an example of its opposite. When I am the therapist in counseling, the same holds true for me. I listen respectfully, sometimes even tearfully, to the dreadful things that happen to people, yet all the while telling myself: "I honor what is brought to me, I don't have to grab it and run with it, or take it home with me". I frequently make suggestions or comments, I'm certainly not a passive therapist, but I realize these problems are not mine. If I kidnapped their traumas and tribulations that would be dishonorable. To aid in letting go of their troubles, I am fond of telling clients that "we're going to put those bad thoughts, feelings and ideas right into the Puget Sound, you can release them." And funny thing, that's just what I do too, I let them go and I lovingly detach.

"close your eyes and think of me
 and soon I will be there
to brighten up even the darkest night."
C.K.

Hopefully, each person I see is going home with many useful tools they can pull out when needed. On their path to peace of mind and tranquility I teach loving detachment and letting go. Taming the amount of worrying you're doing is an important way to find peace in your life. One tool I give is a method of dealing effectively with worrying. I swiped this idea from an excellent source, Jennifer James, and now it's unrecognizable as hers and is mine. This is an good way to make some sense out of rumination and turn it into a creative process.

TOP TEN FAVORITE WORRIES LIST

1. Get a pad of paper, or a journal or a sketch book and pen and write down 5 to 10 items that you regularly worry about [money, aging, kids, health, friends,etc...]
2. Make sure that you include everything that might keep you awake at night.
3. For no less than 15 minutes, no more that 20 minutes, ruminate on these items.
4. While you are worrying, write down any insights, ideas, jokes, songs, doodles that come to you in the allotted time that you are worrying.
5. Fold up the paper,  put away the journal, the sketch pad, etc. in a drawer or anywhere safe and out of sight.
6. If one of the items should creep into your consciousness during the day say to yourself, "Oh, I already did that!"
7. If it's a nagging and persistent thought, write it down and let it go by saying, "I'll tackle that tomorrow."
8. Breathe and be proud of yourself.  

What we're all after in life is to be loving and peaceful, delighted and fulfilled. So in my work we do repair, reparation and healing. Counseling is just one way, there are many paths to the Buddha. Lucky me, as a young woman I got the privilege of meeting a live Buddha and I am grateful I took the risk of loving him despite the consequences. That was the good, yet hard lesson.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved