Big Joys in Life

At our Mom's Memorial with cousins and sons

Happiness makes up in height for what lacks in length.              Robert Frost  

Happiness is  not a goal it is a by-product.                                Eleanor Roosevelt

Big question...what  currently brings you the most joy in your life? This question is best tackled when things are running somewhat smoothly. Write it down. When life is rough it's a very handy list to have.

I'm thinking about the many things in my life that continually bring me joy. Joyful celebrations, top the list I have to admit. Big or small, the weddings of all the adult children, [my sons and all my nephews and nieces] in our big family left me with great, delicious memories. All the while, at theses festive occasions, no one knows what the future holds for these young adults. We all fervently wish copious, rich amounts of happiness. Another thought, will their marriage last a long, rich, happy time? Will they struggle physically, emotionally, financially? Will they divorce with rancor or part amiably? Will they have bonny children? Will they be successful, have plenty of money, be able to own a home? Will they be blessed with a long life? Will their dreams come true? Will they have their health? None of this is captured at the time of the wedding except in the minds of those of us who are 20 to 30 years their senior. Let it be at the joyous occasion, celebrate heartily and enjoy the moment.

 As an aside, I'm so glad that our mother, even though she declared, "I'm never going to travel out West again," came to every single one of the weddings [10 in approximately 10 years]. We have the pictures of her celebrating with her adult children, her grandchildren and even being with her great grandchildren. Blessed. We also have pictures that proved she wore the exact same pantsuit to each of the weddings. Modesty and a certain, "who cares" affected her choices in attire.  Priorities do change over the years...

Kathleen 

And now I have to add to that long list of wonderful weddings, one who also benefited from them, my little sister Kathleen. We reveled in seeing each other more often especially at these wonderful celebrations. Sadly Kathleen died unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of only sixty seven years. [If you are saying, "only 67?!', you must be youngish. Just look at the picture of her...]

One of the greats joys in my life, and this is a continual joy,

is being with my grandchildren. No one can tell you how outrageously great it is to have a healthy baby of your son and daughter in law placed into your arms. That is a dream come true for me and my husband.There are few ecstatic moments in life and receiving these four babies was definitely four moments of ecstasy. Getting to enjoy each one of them through the years and reveling in their distinctive personalities is, in short, the best.

Helena, Mt.

Guess

Included in my list of big joys, are the grand trips.  For our big Anniversary last year, we took a road trip to several National Parks, and to say the least, it was worth it every day.  We tend to travel toward the family, mostly to celebrate something and hence our grand trips are all in the U.S. Though many of our friends and acquaintances do the race around Europe or the globe to points exotic, we haven't been to Europe or beyond in 20 years. We do get to Canada [exotic, no, but definitely a different cultural feel] because we live so close by.  I am grateful that we have a chance to stretch our US mind set by visiting our Canadian friends. When in conversation with the Canadians, they do often ask, "what has happened to the US?"  Meaning: we used to be so kind and generous. "Politics--- and Russia interfered in the election of  2016", I say and leave it at that.

I was delighted to go to Hawaii this year with my sister Sally. This was my fifth or sixth trip to these gorgeous islands. Each day we choose to snorkel to our hearts and bodies content. And then we delight in all the fresh fruit, and the just caught fish. It's easy to travel with people you love who also relish what you love.

Another joy, that is continually richer over time is our marriage. Marrying someone I not only love deeply but also respect, trust and who makes me laugh every day has worked marvelously for me.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

 

Tell the Truth and Run!

Tell the Truth and Run or tell the truth and duck...folk sayings from Sweden

These phrases are some of my favorites and I used them all the time when I had my  

psychotherapy practice. Now, here's the sayings for anyone that I meet who has nervousness or concerns about saying just about anything that they believe in. Be a hero, tell the truth and work for goodness.

All of us were heartened by the victory of the US Women's Soccer team this weekend. A glorious victory from our tenacious, hard working team and we are all so proud of these female heroes. What I am also so very proud of is just this---that team not only walks, runs, kicks, their truth, they also live it and say it. "Equal pay for equal work, women's rights; LGBTQ rights, and finally, politically by refusing to go to a White House occupied by those who support bigots, misogynists, and cruelty. [below David Horsey's cartoon, 7/9/2019 in the Seattle Times]. This is supremely the opposite of what those women on the team want or stand for. They tell the truth, they deliver that truth in all ways.

It is going to take all of us to save this poor world, and I would like to plead with all of the young athletes in the US to do the same. There is no honor among liars and no one lies more on a daily basis than the current administration. 

To all of you who were touched by this scrappy, valiant team, tell the truth and run: run for office; run to volunteer your services to those in need; run to vote for morally competent people; run to vote for qualified,  competent people; run to support science and run to be a citizen that we can be proud of.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

As the Waves Settle

Trisha, Sally, me and Kathleen

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.

 William Shakespeare

 Stop all the clocks, cut off the  phone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.

silence all the pianos and with muffled drum

bring out the coffin, let the mourners come...

W.H. Auden

When people ask, I reply honestly, "I'm up and down" since the death of my little sister Kathleen who died of a heart attack on April 28th. I live in a small town so this question of "how are you doing" comes up often. I'm over the "I can't believe this happened to one so vibrant" stage and am slowly emerging from the "there must have been something I could have done to save her."

Although I know it will probably return: the guilt stage that can eat your soul alive was present for me for at least a week. It brought about many, many tears and internal recriminations.  I'd think, 'If only I was more attentive, if only I had the words to propel Kathleen to the care of a doctor'. I tried and couldn't get her to accept doctors and modern medicine as important and helpful in living a good life. This is my Super Woman complex---'I can fix just about anyone, give me a try and take notes!' 

What helped a lot was calling my sister Sally, the oldest sibling, and repeating all of the nonsense to her. I realized I was losing my role as big sister and so was she. Another thing that helped me tremendously was my slovenly way of not managing my emails. I promptly went into the 'sent' file and found two old emails I'd written Kathleen when she was at a low ebb. Here's a sample:

"Dearest Kathleen, do remember who you are! Don't dismiss all the good works that you've done by volunteering and by playing music which brings enormous joy... Then there is your art work, wow, I have loved each piece I have. Then, there is the music you have composed, it is marvelous. If we lived closer, I would be on your doorstep with guitar in hand, with food and good books to share."

What I realized from these old emails was not to judge myself too harshly, I was encouraging and attentive. Could I have been more so? Absolutely. Hence, I urge all of you reading this to be generous in your time with those you love. Share you thoughts and encouragements when they are at a low point, reach out to express how much you love them, all the time. 

Right now I am reading old letters that I'd written to my mom and dad from the 60's to the early 90's. Lucky for me my Mom saved many of them. It's been enlightening to me to remember how much I enjoyed writing about the seemingly small ways my life was proceeding and how much I loved being a Mom and an amusing writer for the recipient. More on that later but it also left me with a sadness that we all have dropped letter writing for emails and texting. I know it is a big commitment, but I intend to remedy that by, what else, writing letters starting today.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Sudden Death is a Tsunami

When I think of death it is never about being in shock and yet that is precisely happened on April 28. My darling baby sister Kathleen died of a heart attack at the age of 67 years. 

We got the call from my brother and I screamed at the horrible news. Then I went outside and screamed and cried some more. It wasn't a wave of grief but a tsunami that overwhelmed me and dragged me under. Grief is a heavy weight and merciless in it's invasion of ourselves. 

I figured this post was going to be a mess because I am. How can she be gone? This vibrant, vigorous, lively, beautiful sister who was fierce, funny, intense, talented and...dead.

Kathleen had the kind of high energy, Hummingbird energy, that most people would envy. Kathleen, didn't walk she bounced, she frequently giggled, her conversations were peppered with exclamations and insights. Kathleen was a life long seeker of new methods mostly to promote an inner calm and insight into herself and those she loved. In the last ten years of her life she practiced meditation each day. Kathleen was enthusiastic about music and practiced her guitar most days for a couple of hours. She became a jazz musician of note, lately playing in Memphis with two other musicians. This was thrilling to her and her "Leener and Greener" two performances are on UTube.  Not the least bit shy, one of her abilities was to perform anywhere, Farmer's Market, fund raising events, she'd whip out the guitar for a song and a tune. I'm grateful that we shared that love of jazz standards and we relished playing together. Over the years she played with many different people and loved them all. She recorded one CD with the group "For Healing Purposes Only" called "No Prescription Necessary" and in that CD are several of her excellent songs which shows off her versatility. Although it is wrenching for me to listen to it because I realize that we will never be singing together again, it is beautiful.

Kathleen, me, Chin, Senja, Trisha, Sally at Thanksjuning

I detest the latest fashion that claims people who have died have "passed on". Passed on what? Passed on where? Say it folks, say death, say dead. God knows, we don't know what happens for sure after we die. What I do know, having had a near death experience when I was in my twenties, [https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html] is that I am unafraid most days of my own death. I'm with Maya Angelo feeling unable to let go of ones I love. This is it: the terrible and terrifying pain of losing the ones I love that I greatly fear. 

When I was a practicing psychotherapist I'd tell my clients that this fear was "pregrieving". Well the grief is no longer 'pre' it has arrived, full force. I am filled with sadness and a sorrow so big. 

The following is from a post I wrote about being rich in sisters and today I'd like to focus on Kathleen, our dearest baby sister. [https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2017/04/to-be-rich-in-sisters.html. 

Kathleen and me

Although we only see each other sometimes as infrequently as once a year my talented, sweet little sister Kathleen is a phone call away. We discuss great and grave problems, trade tidbits of information on our families and share what adventures Kathleen and her family are off to next. One year she came with Sally, Trisha and I to guitar camp and she blew the roof off the joint in her student performance. Kathleen choose to play "Afro Blue" by John Coltrane and everyone was stunned by her excellent guitar and singing. I was so proud. In addition Kathleen is an artist of note. My brother in law Steve Grout, professor at a Textiles and Science institute, appraised her work and was so impressed he gave her high praise and encouragement.

Trisha, Sally, me and Kathleen

It was always a good time when we got together and my husband and I loved being with Kathleen and her family and friends. This was an active crowd, always hiking or kayaking or tubing in rivers, a joy to be with them.

One funny get together was months after our Mother died. Our mother died seven [now almost 10...] years ago and her wish was that we scatter her ashes. No problem. "Scatter them around Bob/Dad's grave." Ah, something of a problem, not sure it was quite kosher at the cemetery. So we clandestinely entered the cemetery with our trowels, tiny rakes and the ashes. We dug around Dad's head stone and sneakily spread the ashes. In the photo above we are at the scene of the crime, not exactly skulking through the cemetery where we placed some of Mom's ashes around Dad's tombstone. Shhh! don't tell.  Ah but Mom would have gotten a great kick out of us.


Now, my fantasy is that Kathleen has "gone to heaven in a glass bottom boat" [one of her songs on the above mentioned CD] and is being greeted by Mom, Dad, the Grandparents, her pooches and kitties...It's such a lovely fantasy. I hope she is feeling all the love that is being poured out from down here on earth about Kathleen.

susansmagicfeather 2019 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Little Joys in Life

Enjoy the little things in life because one day you make look back and realize they were the big things.                      Antonio Smith

I've concluded the little things in life are vastly underrated. For me it's the people I love, the pets and nature in all its splendor  that I so often take for granted, that turn out to be the standouts. Try being aware, amused and appreciative about those three biggies: people, nature and pets. 

I have been most fortunate in pets. Of the many beloved cats I've had in my life I not only appreciate their serene presence, their ridiculous antics and their kindness to me, always surprising, always deeply appreciated.

Over the years, I've taken great delight in welcoming back the violet greens and the barn swallows, and our resident Anna's and then the Rufus hummingbirds. I probably delude myself that these violet green swallows are the very same ones from the years before. I suppose it's possible that these small swallows are even the descendants or even grandchildren of the violet greens of many years ago. "These must be the ones who are visiting then nesting in our yard" I'll think to myself. Another delightful delusion is they recognize and greet me with the same enthusiasm and joy as I greet them. They swoop and dive over our house, a graceful fly by, as they pass over the deck. Perhaps, these returnees [and their descendants?] are as delighted as I when I clap and whistle my greetings. I ask myself, is there anything lovelier to see them swooping, diving, doing that graceful fly by as they and I greet Spring? 

I am rich in sisters

I count among my very best friends--- my sisters.  I know, from my many years as a psychotherapist, this is beyond fortunate and very lucky indeed. Many, many people love their families of origin in thought but then, in actuality, jokes run riot. I've heard, "how do I get through a family reunion?...alcohol". Tolerated, not exactly a loving way to be with your family. 

Another of the joys of my life is my friends. As is true with my sisters, they have been with me through the trials and tribulations, the heartache, the joys and the conundrums of my life. This is a debt of gratitude that I will pay to the end of my days. Most of my friends I have had in my life for decades and when I acquire new ones I'm always pleased that life can be so rich. 

In acquiring news friends, one of the best ways is through a shared activity that brings you joy. Music hits the right note for me. Creating music is a mixed blessing. I play the guitar and have progressed very slowly over the decades I've had that instrument in my life. Sometimes I'm quite content to be able to play, other times I wish that I'd applied myself more, reached a higher level of proficiency. Alas, I was working on my skills in isolation when what I needed was an infusion of expertise. Years ago, my sister Sally suggested we attend guitar camp. A revelation. I attend the camp each summer with two of my sisters, Sally and Trisha. At camp, everyone is friendly and focused on learning and sharing what they know. The atmosphere is electric and the charge comes from all those fellow musicians. Professionals come to teach and share their impressive skills with us. If we choose we can perform at the student concert. I thought I never would do this, but I do, challenging myself each year. The bonus is singing and playing with my sisters. Then we play and sing with a wide range of newly acquired friends. It's exciting, fulfilling and a relative breeze. 

Q. What happens when you play country music backwards? A. You sober up, your wife comes home and your dog comes back to life.                    Anon

Added to the challenge is the annual "Thanksjuning" hosted by Bob and Senja for all the siblings. We have a tradition of suggesting that everyone write a song from one of the famous saying from our family. Examples are: It Would Be Different If I Didn't Care, "Don't Ever Let Me Do That Again",  and Take Me as I am. Always a wonderful time and it enriches all of us to strive to be together in harmony. 

Then there are the secondary things: 

1. Making the perfect meal and then consuming it with a loving group of family or friends. 
2. Finding an excellent book and discovering it's the first in a series of 10 books. 
3. Going on a vacation and finding a dear neighbor who just happens to be in the same place. 
4. Discovering something new in a city I'm unfamiliar with.
5. Waking up in the morning having slept the entire night through such a luxury!  
6. Enjoying my superlative pot of tea followed by good coffee and then breakfast. 
7. Thrilled, [the only word to describe it], when one of my stories was read on the radio and then published in a book. Elated when two of my poems were published. [Although both publications are now out of business. Was it me?]

These are joys, although small I feel blessed with each cup and every meal. I often think about the people of our world who have no access to clean water and little food. No, I don't do this to torture myself but to heighten the gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Donations to causes that address food and water shortages help to assuage my conscience.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

Flunking Ladylike

The word LADY: most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.            Fran Lebowitz

 I was an oblivious child, the kind who daydreamed quite a bit. Among my other qualities I was a 'tom boy', who preferred running, jumping rope, riding bikes, climbing trees to the more sedentary activities.  Hence I have never understood, or even care to understand, the term "ladylike". Look it up, it's definition:  "a woman of chivalrous devotion". Huh? It always seems to me to be equated with boring and no fun. As a lady, you were required to sit a certain way, to walk a certain way and be to a certain way. Ugh horrible.

Heaven help them they tried to make me more ladylike. "Fort Nightly" was offered at our local playground. When I was In the seventh grade I was required to attend this function with all the other kids in our neighborhood. Imagine my surprise  when we had to wear, not only dresses but gloves [!]. We were there girls and boys to learn to dance. That was a worthy enterprise. 

I love to dance, always have. I took years of ballet, tap and some jazz classes. However Fortnightly was much more regimented and about as far away as you could get from loose and natural. Unbeknownst to me, I needed glasses and was unable to clearly see the faces of the boys way far across the dance floor on their side.  I know I must have appeared to be either stuck up or very shy, neither of which was true. Somehow I did get asked to dance and learned to fox trot and waltz but as soon as the dance was over I raced home to rip off the dress, the gloves and get into my real clothes. 

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.                                            Letty Pogrebin

Boys in grade school were my good pals, since I liked to do what they did. Once I entered high school, that all changed. I went to an all girls high school and those friendships with the boys definitely fell by the way side. This also happened to my girlfriends who went to different high schools so there's no discrimination really. Overwhelmingly, I did enjoy being at an all girl's school. We wore uniforms so there was never the bother of trying to be fashionable which was a hopeless task for a oblivious tom boy like me. I got to play all the sports offered which were, in those days, not available to girls in the co-ed high schools: soccer, soft ball, volley ball, track and field and basketball. I used the excuse that I wasn't stellar at basketball because I was short, but it wasn't true, I just wasn't star quality. This was a quite a come down from my "Queen of All Parks" days [see post 5/26/11 "The Lady Vanishes"] but somehow I coped with the lack of fame and had a wonderful time being athletic. I was trained for athleticism by the fact that my sisters and I had only one rule about playing outdoors: be home by dinner time. This laissez faire attitude of  parents gave all of us children lots of time to practice kick-the-can, hide and seek, running from neighborhood bullies and climbing trees. I wish this for all the girls in the world, freedom plus the fabulous educational opportunities I and my sisters had.

I love a blond girl who can show a fierce game-face

I love a little blond girl who is aggressive on the field

 Many studies state that the girls who are most active in sports tend to have fewer problems in life, especially in their teenage years. That gets my vote. I tell all my clients to encourage their daughters to participate in as many sports as they can. Even the girls who are reluctant, once they have the opportunity to blast a baseball or make a basket learn to be enthusiastic and thrilled by their new found skills. Sadly, because of budget cuts in the schools, many of the hard fought Title IX sports that girls could be doing are being taken away. Might I suggest that this participation in sports could be looked at as a minor prevention program? Might I also suggest that this could induce smoother sailing for families through the girls teenage years? might I also suggest that perhaps the vast sums of money spent on the boys sports could be shared with the girl's teams? Win/win.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman...                        Oscar Wilde

 

Another thing the all girls high school prepared me for was college. Again, because I was near sighted [and this time knew it but was too vain to wear my Bat Woman glasses], I sat in the front row of all my classes so I could see the board. When the professor asked questions of the class and I knew the answer, my hand would shoot up and they [sadly, mostly out of amusement] would call on me. It wasn't for months that I finally figured out that no other young women were answering questions. Why? I literally couldn't figure it out. The women I met at college were all very bright and personable, so why weren't they responding in class? You've probably guessed it, they didn't want to draw attention to themselves for fear of being thought overly bright. That would detract from their "ladylikeness" and horrors! That might make one of the interested males feel intimidated and not superior to them. I, however, flunked that test without even being aware there was a test.  I took pride in selecting my responses to the guys I knew with humor and insight. This served me well my life.  I recommend obliviousness plus a dash of nearsightedness, and a sprinkle of tom boy to all girls. This combination weeds out all of the young men who are intimidated and/or put off by outspoken, forthright, funny and intelligent women. I ask you, doesn't every woman want a man who sees her as his equal? I am here to attest that it's wonderful in a relationship.  As Gottman says in his seminars "Egalitarian relationships have the best chance of success."

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not that difficult.                                                            Charlotte Whittton

The women that I admire are all bright, energetic, hard workers who are devoted to their families, jobs and country. Some say that it's only certain women who are born with a propensity to excel. I vehemently disagree. I think that many, many more girls given the proper amount of freedom, encouragement and education would excel in various ventures: sports, drama, business, sciences, politics, the arts, music and so forth. Think of the human endeavors that could be enhanced and realized by merely providing education and encouragement for all our girls. 

mom 1942

When I was visiting my mothers several years ago during Obama's presidency and we were watching a program about women in third world countries who were starting their own businesses.  I mentioned good organizations were helping to give opportunities to help these women and their families. Then  my mother paused then said, "it's the women who are going to save this world." 

I might add that it's also important to help our sons to be devoted feminists. It's a guaranteed good investment in all of our futures to recognize and support the girls, women and the future if we are to save the world.

susansmagicfeather  2021 Susan R. Grout 

Flunking Ladylike

The word LADY: most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.            Fran Lebowitz

 I was an oblivious child, the kind who daydreamed quite a bit and was a 'tom boy', who preferred running, jumping rope, riding bikes, climbing trees to the more sedentary pursuits. Hence I have never understood, nor do I particularly care to, the term "ladylike". "A woman of chivalrous devotion" it says in the dictionary. Huh? To me, it always seems to me to be equated with boring and no fun. You were required to sit a certain way, to walk a certain way and be to a certain way. Ugh.

God knows they tried to make me a lady at "Fort Nightly". In the seventh grade we were required to attend this function where we had to wear dresses and gloves and learn to dance with boys. I love to dance, always have. I took scads of ballet, tap and some jazz classes. This was much more regimented and about as far away as you could get from natural. Unbeknownst to me, around this time I needed glasses and was unable to clearly see the faces across the dance floor on the boy's side.  I appeared to be either stuck up or shy, neither of which was true. Somehow I did get asked to dance and learned to fox trot and waltz but as soon as the dance was over I raced home to rip off the gloves and get into my real clothes. This was just the start of trying to turn me [and all of the other girls I knew] into  a lady.

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.                                       Letty Pogrebin

Boys in grade school were my pals, since I liked to do what they did. Once I entered high school, that all changed. I went to an all girls high school and those friendships with the boys definitely fell by the way side. This also happened to my girlfriends who went to different high schools so there's no rule here. Overwhelmingly, I did enjoy being at an all girl's school. We wore uniforms so there was never the bother of trying to be fashionable which was a rather hopeless task for a oblivious tom boy like me. I got to play all the sports offered which were, in those days, not available to girls in the co-ed high schools: soccer, soft ball, volley ball, track and field and basketball. I used the excuse that I wasn't stellar at basketball because I was short, but it wasn't true, I just wasn't star quality. This was a quite a come down from my "Queen of All Parks" days [see post 5/26/11 "The Lady Vanishes"] but somehow I coped with the lack of fame and had a wonderful time being athletic. I was trained for athleticism by the fact that my sisters and I had only one rule about playing outdoors: be home by dinner time. Gives you lots of time to practice kick-the-can, running from neighborhood bullies and climbing trees. I wish this for all the girls in the world plus the fabulous educational opportunities I and my sisters had.

I love a blond girl who can show a fierce game-face

I love a little blond girl who is aggressive on the field

Many studies state that the girls who are most active in sports tend to have fewer problems in life, especially in their teenage years. That gets my vote. I tell all my clients to encourage their daughters to participate in as many sports as they can. Even the girls who are reluctant, once they have the opportunity to blast a baseball or make a basket learn to be enthusiastic and thrilled by their new found skills. Sadly, because of budget cuts in the schools, many of the hard fought Title IX sports that girls have are being taken away. Might I suggest that this participation in sports could be looked at as a minor prevention program? Might I also suggest that this could induce smoother sailing for families through the girls teenage years? Win/win.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman...                        Oscar Wilde

Another thing that the all girls high school prepared me for was college. Again, because I was near sighted [and this time knew it but was too vain to wear my Bat Woman glasses], I sat in the front row of all my classes so I could see the board. When the professor asked questions of the class and I knew the answer, my hand would shoot up and they [sadly, mostly out of amusement] would call on me. It wasn't for months that I finally figured out that no other young women were answering questions. Why? I literally couldn't figure it out. The women I met at college were all very bright and personable, so why weren't they responding in class? You've probably guessed it, they didn't want to draw attention to themselves for fear of being thought overly bright. That would detract from their "ladylikeness" and horrors! That might make one of the interested males feel intimidated. I, however, flunked that test without even being aware that there was a test being given.  I took pride in selecting my responses to the guys I knew with humor and insight. This has served me well in the whole of my life.  I recommend obliviousness plus a dash of nearsightedness, and a sprinkle of tom boy to all girls. This combination weeds out all of the young men who are intimidated by outspoken, forthright, funny and intelligent women. I ask you, doesn't every woman want a man that sees her as their equal? I am here to attest that it's wonderful in a relationship. I could never intimidate my husband.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not that difficult.                                                            Charlotte Whittton

The women that I admire are all energetic, hard workers who are devoted to their families, jobs and country. Some say that it's only certain women who are born with a propensity to excel. I disagree. I think that many, many more girls given the proper amount of freedom, encouragement and education would excel in various ventures: sports, drama, business, sciences, the arts, music and so forth. Think of the human endeavors that could be realized by merely providing education and encouragement for all our girls. I mentioned thought to my mother and she added, "it's women who are going to save the world." It's also important to help our sons to be feminists. It's a guaranteed good investment in all of our futures to recognize and support the girls, women and the future of our saved world.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Small Town Therapist On Aging.

 At Mom's request putting her to rest on top of Dad.

And every part of you is blasted with antiquity.              William Shakespeare

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.                                                         Sigmund Engel

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that's disgusting!              Gracie Allen

Aging has been on my mind, literally. I will be in a simple discussion and reaching for a word that seems unattainable when suddenly it will come to me: tank top. Why is that so hard? Guess things are becoming clogged up there in the internal information highway. If that's all that was becoming clogged I truly would have no complaints.

 I do have few complaints, but the few I have suck. First, I can't hear as well as I'd like, which I  remedied with hearing aids. Then my hip is wonky and I had to have hip replacement surgery.  I am not going to mention the sagging or wrinkled parts because as an older lady friend of mine said, "at least wrinkles don't hurt," they are disappointing though.  One of my sisters and I say the we have "carp mouth".  I prefer to think that I am in the august company of Katherine Hepburn who suffered from the same malady. Did I mention being delusional at times?

One of my favorite "older fiddles" who died more than ten years ago aged with vigor and humor, my Mom. The reasons she was such a good role model are many, but narrowing it down to a few, she took risks, she took charge, and she never felt sorry for herself despite difficult circumstances.

At the age of 75 she got married and moved to Milwaukee a town she hadn't live in for more than 65 years. When her husband was irrevocably failing she sold their house, hired movers and moved him and herself into a residential care facility. It was only after he died that she confessed how truly awful the last four years of her husband's life were for her. Many, many trips to the emergency room, often in the middle of the night---in winter--- in Milwaukee. Mom never complained. I said "Mom, why didn't you tell us how bad it was?" She said, "I didn't want to worry you and this is the life I chose." I asked her "altogether, how was the marriage?" After a moment she said, "it was fine for three years but after that I realized I should have gotten a dog." 

The last year of my mom's life I got to visit her four times and each time it got harder: her body was failing. She suffered a heart attack one month after her husband died and never regained her former stamina. Being a daughter and one who wanted her to live forever as only children can conger, I had a tough but frank discussions with one of the wonderful nurses who visited with mom. "You know this heart condition is going to eventually kill her," she told me. "Of course I know that," I said prevarication leaking between my pearly whites.

 Years ago, my father who "dropped dead" at only 67 years old often told us "I don't want to suffer the indignities of old age." Dad didn't. Mom however was brave with all of the indignities of old age: the bladder not what it used to be; the inability to walk at less than a slow stroll; and more awful still, losing her balance. Due to a particularly spectacular fall onto her coffee table, Mom cut herself up so badly she had to go to my sister Trisha's house to recoup. Trisha who lived the closest of all of the six siblings was the hero of the family and cared for Mom so tenderly and graciously.

I must add that our mother was beautiful and sharp until the end. On my very last visit to see her one month prior to her death, we played Scrabble, read our books, enjoyed old movies on TMC. A highlight was witnessing, together, a glorious thunder and lightening storm in the middle of the night. During the storm, we relished the thunder that awakened us and were thrilled by the lightening illuminating the small apartment and the city below as well. My only regret is that I didn't crawl into bed with her. 

Mom was barely eating at this point with very little appetite. [ I said, "I'm thinking about a sandwich with avocado, cheese, lettuce and tomato, want one?" "Sure," she said...then proceeded to eat one quarter of the sandwich.] 

Mom, who was very modest, told me she wanted to take a shower. Of course with the questionable balance I had to be right there--- my arm ready to steady her naked self. The warm water gushed as she stood naked under the stream, she closed her eyes, raised her head to the warm water as I held her gently. I was amazed at her beauty. I remember thinking her aged body was lovely, tiny but lovely, and as soft as a baby's skin. We come into the world that way and we go out that way, if you take care of yourself.

So, I gladly accept my aging body. I try to love it as I've done with all my grandchildren: give it good food, lots of sleep, exercise in the fresh air, good friends, loving husband and family, and last but not least good thoughts every day. I am grateful beyond words for all of the people in my life and the pets I've loved and my circumstances. This grace period cannot remain as it is forever, that is the wish of my child self, but while it is here, hallelujah I rejoice. So, age is inevitable, let's dance!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2023 Susan R. Grout

I'm Soooo Tired/ On Sleeping Well

I'm sooo tired, I haven't slept a wink
Although I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink.   The Beatles

Those "no-sooner-have-I-touched-the-pillow" people are past my comprehension.                                           J.B. Priestly

Getting a full uninterrupted night's sleep has become the new sexy. Anyone with any doubts about that last statement has never been in the care of a colicky infant or a child sick with the stomach flu. The next day guarantees that even the thought of the bed acquires a certain longing and lustfulness usually reserved for a lover. It is drink for the thirsty and food for the hungry all rolled into one. Depriving a human being of sleep, and waking them frequently remains a favorite method of torture. Nice thought, couple this with waterboarding and you've got a 'Dick Cheney ideal'.

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep, counting my blessings." from the movie "White Christmas"

Unless something earthshaking is going on in my life I sleep very well. I make sure I do something physical most days, I don't watch TV, I go to bed early, I read in bed, then I fall asleep for at least 7 1/2 hours and wake up refreshed. However years ago when menopause hit, it was like a sledgehammer. Suddenly I was wide awake at 3 AM wondering, "what the hell"? So my study about how to induce sleep and stay sleeping started about 20 years ago. Here are some of the best methods that I've found and I joyfully pass them on to you:

1. Read before falling asleep. Think about it, reading with your eyes going back and forth mimics how the eyes beat back and forth in REM sleep. I know there are people who advocate getting up out of bed to read and I call them spoil sports. Nothing is comparable to snuggling down with a good book in a cozy bed. A cautionary note, don't read something too frightening or exciting, try something soothing or funny. That book can lighten the heart in even the darkest hours.
2. Exercise during the day or up until about 3 hours prior to bed time, this improves your sleep quality immeasurably and makes you feel virtuous to boot. Not a bad combo. Yoga and stretching exercises three to four times a week helped women to fall asleep according to the Fred Hutchinson Research Center. Vigorous exercise too close to bed time is overstimulating, really good love making is the exception, go for it.
3. Temperature: Make sure that your room is cool, [less than 65 degrees]crack open a window if possible. Try for approximately the same bed time each night. Then body expects to sleep and so this enhances the chances of falling asleep sooner. My daughter in law swears by sleep socks and on really cool nights so do I.
4. Bath or a shower: Many parents do this with their children and you should do this for yourself: take a warm bath, it relaxes the mind and soothes the body.
5. Lose the caffeine:  Cut off the coffee or any caffeinated beverage after 2 PM. Use the teas and foods that work to induce sleep: chamomile tea, peppermint tea, milk and carbs [like breakfast cereal, toast, crackers] cherries, [dried or fresh or juice]; walnuts, and peanut butter is a partial list. Remind yourself that alcohol can compromise the sleep cycle, it is a depressive sedative drug and it may get you to sleep but when it starts to wear off it irritates the nerves and bingo you're awake in the middle of the night. No fun at all. The widely accepted studies state that men should have no more than two drinks a day and women one. More than one gals and you're asking for semi-insomnia.
6. Self hypnosis: Should you wake in the middle of the night try saying to yourself, "I'm asleep, I'm asleep..."etc. or "I'm so sleepy" or "I'm 9/10ths asleep". Do this before the brain kicks in with: "oh, drat I'm awake" and then agitates your system. Do these sleeping mantras and you'll be giving your conscious and subconscious directions to stay asleep instead of being awake.
7. Quiet the mind: my favorite saying to myself is "the mind is clear". Make the mind behave, you are in charge. If that doesn't work, one good trick is to put yourself mentally in a beautiful, comfortable room, imagine yourself closing all the doors, turning off the lights and letting all be blackness. Another tack to take is to let your imagination go on an internal guided journey to a lush and wonderful place. Enjoy the warmth of the imaginary beach or deep forest and sink into your cozy bed. Revel in these thoughts and smile, and if you need help keep saying the word 'smile' to yourself until you drift into dream land. 
8. The Breath: Do various gymnastics with your breath such as "let the body breathe you" as one of my yoga teachers was fond of saying. I read about another technique in Andrew Weil's book: put the tongue on the top of the roof of your mouth behind the front teeth. Breathe in through the nose for 4 counts, hold for 7, then out for 8 counts. Supposedly this simulates how we breathe when asleep and I've used it often on myself and a host of clients and it works well. Again from yoga, the three part breath: first let all of the air out of your lungs, then bring the air back in visualizing the three parts of the lungs, lower, middle and upper. Starting with the diaphragm, breathe in for 3, breath in for 3 more in the middle lung and then 3 more for the upper lung until you are full of air, then hold for 2 counts and slowly breathe out for 12. Do this routine for 5 rounds.
9. Counting backwards with the breath: One of my favorite elderly [anyone twenty years older than me] clients gave me this one. She said, "Take a deep breath and say to yourself, '100'  as you let go and breathe out, then the next breath, '99', then '98'...you get the picture. I never make it past 80 before I'm asleep." In counting also remember "when I'm worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep, counting my blessings." It's a lovely way to induce slumber. Always have a gratitude/blessings list you can work off of.
10. Tense and release the muscles: first tense all of the muscles in your body, be as stiff as a board then roll up in a tiny ball, tense then release with the breath. Next do one part of the body at a time, starting with the feet, tense, tighter, tighter, then release; then the ankles, tighter, tighter --release; then the calves, etc. until you reach the top of your head. Let go completely and drift down the river of dreams. Say to yourself, "my arms are relaxed, my legs are relaxed, my mind is clear."
11. Vitamins and pain reducers: One old client got me on to "two aspirins and two Tums" but I got concern about taking too many aspirins [or ibuprofen or Aleve or Tylenol] so I quickly switched to a calcium, magnesium, vitamin D tablet every night. This settles the stomach and calms the nerves. Sometimes if I am really agitated I will resort to a half of an antihistamine, or an aspirin and perhaps a Calms tablet which has Valerian in it.
12. Aromas: lavender and jasmine are effective for inducing sleep [Health Magazine], the easiest way is to get some lotion which has either or both of these and rub some on your and what the heck, under your nose. If you still find yourself tossing and turning, get up and write a list of what's bothering you with some possible solutions you can tackle in the morning. If you are still awake remember what my sister Trisha says, "you'll get plenty of sleep when you're dead".
13. The mysteries; being awake in the middle of the night is a great time to practice meditation. You are already laying in the corpse pose so just revolve your arms so that your palms are facing up and let your body breathe you, let your mind go and keep coming back to the breath. Listen to what the universe is trying to tell you, "think lovely thoughts" as Peter Pan suggested just allowing yourself to drift into a meditative state.

14. Acupressure points: put all four fingers up on your forehead between the eyes, press gently for one minute, breathe evenly and deeply. Then put the four fingers on the top of the foot between the big and second toe, hold that for a minute, next on the sole of the foot toward the heel and finally rub the outer edges of both ears for a minute. If you are lucky enough to have a willing partner to do this for you it is blissful.

Remember that even laying there awake but meditating or thinking loving thoughts has scientifically shown to be almost as beneficial as sound sleep.

So to all a good night, may you sleep well and enjoy the pleasure of waking rested.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Better

Increasingly I feel the need to do better. I realize this is not a contest or a race, yet facing up to my shortcomings is in my daily thoughts. Rather than just relying on the internal criticism that goes on inside me, I'm listening to the cheering coach that stokes all the positive thoughts.  I want the coach voice right now to  push me  and encourage me to be a better person.

This is not foreign territory, after all I was a psychotherapist for over 30 years. On a daily basis I encouraged, cajoled, rallied my clients to be their best possible selves. So why wouldn't I turn that spotlight on myself and my behavior.

As a person: 
In my life I've had tremendous advantages, a good loving family that supported me with all of the basics of shelter, food, clothing and love. Also as a child then as a young adult through a fine education, comfortable housing, excellent food, stimulating family conversations, music, laughter and good role modeling. This wasn't just lucky, my parents came through the depression, both had some very rough experiences growing up and wanted a better life for their six children. My parents and most of my relatives valued children, loved the family and it was actually  fun getting  together for special holiday meals which frequently ended in singing around the piano. The hard times were weathered with grace and the good times were filled with laughter and warmth. I realize I'm very fortunate. 

Nobles oblige, I feel the need to be a better person, particularly because of these advantages.  I want to be the one who brings joy, warmth, love, kindness, wisdom and truth to all my interactions. I sometimes fall so short, being impatient and sometimes down right rude when frustrated. I have learned when rude, wrong or impatient to promptly apologize. Not always easy, to say the least, but I do it.

As a blogger:
My sister Sally says this blog is my "Senior project." True and amusing because in the words of my beloved Grandma, "I'm a citizen Senior".  The assignment I've given myself is to give away all of the hot therapy tips I had for my clients in this very blog for free. Here are a few of the posts.

 Examples: 
 https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2018/10/cruise-control.html,  
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2016/11/when-anxiety-is-running-kentucky-derby.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/06/swept-away-it-wasnt-my-fault.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/02/when-you-think-you-stink.html
https://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2012/02/creating-positive-self-image.html

The other day I was contemplating how I could become a better musician without practicing. That is amusing and fairly stupid but on the other hand...I have arthritis and it does really hurt my hands to practice. So I do play the guitar about 6 hours a week and then I decided I'll devote the other 3 hours to composing music. This is fairly preposterous because the way I do compose songs is under pressure and crank out only two songs a year.

Each year the sibs go to our brother and sister in law's house for Thanksjuning and in the summer two of my sisters and I go to a guitar camp. For Thanksjuning we are required to write a song based on the frequent sayings of our parents or Grandparents. One year it was "Don't Ever Let Me Do That Again" and last year it was "It Would Be Different if I Didn't Care". Both were really fun to compose. My aim is the song be at least amusing if not down right superlatively tuneful. This year it's "Good, Good, Good" and I was going along thinking "what a snap this one is"  until I realized I was basically composing [plagiarizing] Van Morrison's 'Crazy Love'. Starting over with a new melody is in order. This is one of the benefits of retirement, I have the time to noodle around. 

Because this is a two for the price of one therapy blog, I am going to continue, in the next post, to point out all of my tragic failings as well as conjoin them with ways to improve for one and all.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved