Small Town Therapist On Aging.

 At Mom's request putting her to rest on top of Dad.

And every part of you is blasted with antiquity.              William Shakespeare

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.                                                         Sigmund Engel

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that's disgusting!              Gracie Allen

Aging has been on my mind, literally. I will be in a simple discussion and reaching for a word that seems unattainable when suddenly it will come to me: tank top. Why is that so hard? Guess things are becoming clogged up there in the internal information highway. If that's all that was becoming clogged I truly would have no complaints.

 I do have few complaints, but the few I have suck. First, I can't hear as well as I'd like, which I  remedied with hearing aids. Then my hip is wonky and I had to have hip replacement surgery.  I am not going to mention the sagging or wrinkled parts because as an older lady friend of mine said, "at least wrinkles don't hurt," they are disappointing though.  One of my sisters and I say the we have "carp mouth".  I prefer to think that I am in the august company of Katherine Hepburn who suffered from the same malady. Did I mention being delusional at times?

One of my favorite "older fiddles" who died more than ten years ago aged with vigor and humor, my Mom. The reasons she was such a good role model are many, but narrowing it down to a few, she took risks, she took charge, and she never felt sorry for herself despite difficult circumstances.

At the age of 75 she got married and moved to Milwaukee a town she hadn't live in for more than 65 years. When her husband was irrevocably failing she sold their house, hired movers and moved him and herself into a residential care facility. It was only after he died that she confessed how truly awful the last four years of her husband's life were for her. Many, many trips to the emergency room, often in the middle of the night---in winter--- in Milwaukee. Mom never complained. I said "Mom, why didn't you tell us how bad it was?" She said, "I didn't want to worry you and this is the life I chose." I asked her "altogether, how was the marriage?" After a moment she said, "it was fine for three years but after that I realized I should have gotten a dog." 

The last year of my mom's life I got to visit her four times and each time it got harder: her body was failing. She suffered a heart attack one month after her husband died and never regained her former stamina. Being a daughter and one who wanted her to live forever as only children can conger, I had a tough but frank discussions with one of the wonderful nurses who visited with mom. "You know this heart condition is going to eventually kill her," she told me. "Of course I know that," I said prevarication leaking between my pearly whites.

 Years ago, my father who "dropped dead" at only 67 years old often told us "I don't want to suffer the indignities of old age." Dad didn't. Mom however was brave with all of the indignities of old age: the bladder not what it used to be; the inability to walk at less than a slow stroll; and more awful still, losing her balance. Due to a particularly spectacular fall onto her coffee table, Mom cut herself up so badly she had to go to my sister Trisha's house to recoup. Trisha who lived the closest of all of the six siblings was the hero of the family and cared for Mom so tenderly and graciously.

I must add that our mother was beautiful and sharp until the end. On my very last visit to see her one month prior to her death, we played Scrabble, read our books, enjoyed old movies on TMC. A highlight was witnessing, together, a glorious thunder and lightening storm in the middle of the night. During the storm, we relished the thunder that awakened us and were thrilled by the lightening illuminating the small apartment and the city below as well. My only regret is that I didn't crawl into bed with her. 

Mom was barely eating at this point with very little appetite. [ I said, "I'm thinking about a sandwich with avocado, cheese, lettuce and tomato, want one?" "Sure," she said...then proceeded to eat one quarter of the sandwich.] 

Mom, who was very modest, told me she wanted to take a shower. Of course with the questionable balance I had to be right there--- my arm ready to steady her naked self. The warm water gushed as she stood naked under the stream, she closed her eyes, raised her head to the warm water as I held her gently. I was amazed at her beauty. I remember thinking her aged body was lovely, tiny but lovely, and as soft as a baby's skin. We come into the world that way and we go out that way, if you take care of yourself.

So, I gladly accept my aging body. I try to love it as I've done with all my grandchildren: give it good food, lots of sleep, exercise in the fresh air, good friends, loving husband and family, and last but not least good thoughts every day. I am grateful beyond words for all of the people in my life and the pets I've loved and my circumstances. This grace period cannot remain as it is forever, that is the wish of my child self, but while it is here, hallelujah I rejoice. So, age is inevitable, let's dance!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2023 Susan R. Grout

Aging

beauty and grace

There are three things a woman ought to look--straight as a dart, supple as a snake and proud as a tiger lily.                                            Elinor Glyn in the year 1908

What is it to be a woman today? Here is a description I can't get out of my head, "... She should be seen and not heard, as slim as a waif, charming and delightful, never giving a moment's grief, ageless, a wonder, beautiful, graceful, and does anything requested of her." I can't for the life of me remember where I read that quote by a man, but according to some modern magazines this describes an ideal woman. Read that quote again slowly, doesn't this describe a perfect little girl? Yet, this is supposedly the male ideal of the perfect woman. I find this childish and hate it when women fall for this but they do again and again. Sadly it keeps them in a self loathing mode for untold wasted years. Paralyzed, they don't use their voices or speak their opinions.

Little girls in their Easter finest

Here's a small example: I just re-watched "Something's Got to Give" [made in 2003] which was incredibly enjoyable and well written. One thing really bothered me: Diane Keaton then and Diane Keaton now.  In her role as 'Erica', the famous playwright, Diane stood before one and all with her wrinkles and imperfect teeth. She looked lovely and as appropriately aged as any nearly 60 year old woman. However Diane Keaton today is a different story. Look in any woman's magazine she is the rep for L'Oreal's skin products. You'll see why I am disappointed. The Diane Keaton in the photos is almost wrinkle-free with sparkling new teeth. Obviously those teeth have been capped. Is this awful? Well, no but it is disappointing. Had she kept the real wrinkled skin and crooked teeth she, of course, would never have gotten that contract to pose for the advertisements. But, it's not real and is deflating to women who get judged on our wrinkles and imperfect teeth. Until very recent history wrinkles, bad teeth and scars on men were never a source of criticism or even an issue on the male of the acting species.  To wit: Tommy Lee Jones, a terrific, popular actor. There, look at him, I rest my case.

not my regular exercise but fun...

The bigger question is this -- does reverse aging make a person happier? Can I complicate this question by giving a two part answer? My hope for all I love is that they live healthy, comfortable lives. One way to do this is boringly obvious: eat well, sleep 7-8 hours a night, if you drink do so moderately, exercise somewhat vigorously daily, meditate, be loving and generous, be charitable and be a life-long learner. In my humble opinion that will earn you youthful points and keep you feeling younger than your years foretell. I suspect this also increases the happiness quotient because you get to be proud of yourself and feel good to boot. Is this a fool proof plan? No, life has a way of intervening with seemingly fool proof plans, an unexpected illness, a reversal of fortunes and oh yeah, death. 

The second part is this. The clients that I've worked with who've had elective, drastic cosmetic surgeries still have the oodles of problems they had before, they just look better. Looking better externally doesn't guarantee and internal improvement. One woman, Leticia* gave it her all. She had the entire face lift with all the agony that goes with it. She endured the operation and then months of healing. This was entirely voluntary pain. And here's the interesting part, it was my observation that she looked pretty good for a woman in her sixties.  Why did she do this to herself? Leticia said, "I work in a field where everyone is 10 to 15 years my junior and am very self conscious about  my wrinkles". The upshot was complicated: she did look unquestionably younger [which she loved] but Leticia ended up getting a divorce [which she didn't love]. A couple of years later she acquired what eventually turned out to be a terminal cancer. Life intervened. 

My question to all of you, is if you knew that you were going to get cancer and die from it, would you put yourself through all that torture merely to look younger? My Dad used to say, "the undertaker's closets are filled with jogging suits." What I have heard from all of my clients that have had face lifts, burning by laser, etc.-- it all hurts. Should you have to do these procedures for dermatological necessity-- like a cancer preventative--- that is entirely different. That's a matter of health and not vanity.

Exercise has to be fun or it will get dropped

Several other clients in determination to change their lives and their health went for the drastic change of having Bariatric surgery. They had tried and failed at every method and every new diet and were desperate to finally lose weight. Most of these clients were grossly obese and this was a serious health measure that could save their life. What I found most intriguing is only half of the clients were able to keep the weight off. The other half, sadly, found ways to fool the surgery and went right back up to their old weight. So help me, I tried and tried to tell them: "if this surgery is just regarded as a quick fix, the surgery surely will not work." I urged them "to consider that you must dedicate yourself to eating the small portions recommended, rely almost exclusively on nutritious, healthy foods, exercise and keep up the regime for the rest of your life." The ones who took this most seriously did keep the weight off and I revel seeing them around town with the new lives they created without the huge baggage of the old weight.

My own mother was a wise counsel, though not always the most delicate, on the subject of women's aging and accepting aging. Once, when I was a bit older than fifty, I asked her, "Mom, I'm thinking about losing five to seven pounds, what do you think?" She said, "don't bother it will just sag." Another time, around the same era, I said, "Oh, no! I'm getting so many wrinkles." She looked at me and said, "go look in the mirror." I did and came back and said, "okay..." and she said, "it's all down hill from here." Did I laugh? Yes. Have I told that story many times? Yes again.  Did I have a brutally honest mother? Yes again.   

sisters at the Cemetery where we put our mother's ashes

 We launched a bit of Mom's ashes in Hawaii

Here we are in the new year, 2018 and though I make no New Year's resolutions [other than my usual; to play guitar more often and be kinder to everyone], I years ago discovered the joy in doing activities that I love as vigorously as possible. Adore the outdoors.

 I sympathize with the very busy with the jobs and little kids who strive to be healthier, and don't have the energy to exercise. To the ones who can't seem to take care of themselves but take care of everybody else, I wish you well. You are worth carving out a bit of time for yourself. Self care is love. Then take the rewards of self care and go and spread it around. Turn off the machines, cell phones and TV's and you will be amazed at the amount of free time you'll acquire. 

*Leticia is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright all rights reserved Susan R. Grout