Flunking Ladylike

The word LADY: most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.            Fran Lebowitz

 I was an oblivious child, the kind who daydreamed quite a bit. Among my other qualities I was a 'tom boy', who preferred running, jumping rope, riding bikes, climbing trees to the more sedentary activities.  Hence I have never understood, or even care to understand, the term "ladylike". Look it up, it's definition:  "a woman of chivalrous devotion". Huh? It always seems to me to be equated with boring and no fun. As a lady, you were required to sit a certain way, to walk a certain way and be to a certain way. Ugh horrible.

Heaven help them they tried to make me more ladylike. "Fort Nightly" was offered at our local playground. When I was In the seventh grade I was required to attend this function with all the other kids in our neighborhood. Imagine my surprise  when we had to wear, not only dresses but gloves [!]. We were there girls and boys to learn to dance. That was a worthy enterprise. 

I love to dance, always have. I took years of ballet, tap and some jazz classes. However Fortnightly was much more regimented and about as far away as you could get from loose and natural. Unbeknownst to me, I needed glasses and was unable to clearly see the faces of the boys way far across the dance floor on their side.  I know I must have appeared to be either stuck up or very shy, neither of which was true. Somehow I did get asked to dance and learned to fox trot and waltz but as soon as the dance was over I raced home to rip off the dress, the gloves and get into my real clothes. 

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.                                            Letty Pogrebin

Boys in grade school were my good pals, since I liked to do what they did. Once I entered high school, that all changed. I went to an all girls high school and those friendships with the boys definitely fell by the way side. This also happened to my girlfriends who went to different high schools so there's no discrimination really. Overwhelmingly, I did enjoy being at an all girl's school. We wore uniforms so there was never the bother of trying to be fashionable which was a hopeless task for a oblivious tom boy like me. I got to play all the sports offered which were, in those days, not available to girls in the co-ed high schools: soccer, soft ball, volley ball, track and field and basketball. I used the excuse that I wasn't stellar at basketball because I was short, but it wasn't true, I just wasn't star quality. This was a quite a come down from my "Queen of All Parks" days [see post 5/26/11 "The Lady Vanishes"] but somehow I coped with the lack of fame and had a wonderful time being athletic. I was trained for athleticism by the fact that my sisters and I had only one rule about playing outdoors: be home by dinner time. This laissez faire attitude of  parents gave all of us children lots of time to practice kick-the-can, hide and seek, running from neighborhood bullies and climbing trees. I wish this for all the girls in the world, freedom plus the fabulous educational opportunities I and my sisters had.

I love a blond girl who can show a fierce game-face

I love a little blond girl who is aggressive on the field

 Many studies state that the girls who are most active in sports tend to have fewer problems in life, especially in their teenage years. That gets my vote. I tell all my clients to encourage their daughters to participate in as many sports as they can. Even the girls who are reluctant, once they have the opportunity to blast a baseball or make a basket learn to be enthusiastic and thrilled by their new found skills. Sadly, because of budget cuts in the schools, many of the hard fought Title IX sports that girls could be doing are being taken away. Might I suggest that this participation in sports could be looked at as a minor prevention program? Might I also suggest that this could induce smoother sailing for families through the girls teenage years? might I also suggest that perhaps the vast sums of money spent on the boys sports could be shared with the girl's teams? Win/win.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in a woman...                        Oscar Wilde

 

Another thing the all girls high school prepared me for was college. Again, because I was near sighted [and this time knew it but was too vain to wear my Bat Woman glasses], I sat in the front row of all my classes so I could see the board. When the professor asked questions of the class and I knew the answer, my hand would shoot up and they [sadly, mostly out of amusement] would call on me. It wasn't for months that I finally figured out that no other young women were answering questions. Why? I literally couldn't figure it out. The women I met at college were all very bright and personable, so why weren't they responding in class? You've probably guessed it, they didn't want to draw attention to themselves for fear of being thought overly bright. That would detract from their "ladylikeness" and horrors! That might make one of the interested males feel intimidated and not superior to them. I, however, flunked that test without even being aware there was a test.  I took pride in selecting my responses to the guys I knew with humor and insight. This served me well my life.  I recommend obliviousness plus a dash of nearsightedness, and a sprinkle of tom boy to all girls. This combination weeds out all of the young men who are intimidated and/or put off by outspoken, forthright, funny and intelligent women. I ask you, doesn't every woman want a man who sees her as his equal? I am here to attest that it's wonderful in a relationship.  As Gottman says in his seminars "Egalitarian relationships have the best chance of success."

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not that difficult.                                                            Charlotte Whittton

The women that I admire are all bright, energetic, hard workers who are devoted to their families, jobs and country. Some say that it's only certain women who are born with a propensity to excel. I vehemently disagree. I think that many, many more girls given the proper amount of freedom, encouragement and education would excel in various ventures: sports, drama, business, sciences, politics, the arts, music and so forth. Think of the human endeavors that could be enhanced and realized by merely providing education and encouragement for all our girls. 

mom 1942

When I was visiting my mothers several years ago during Obama's presidency and we were watching a program about women in third world countries who were starting their own businesses.  I mentioned good organizations were helping to give opportunities to help these women and their families. Then  my mother paused then said, "it's the women who are going to save this world." 

I might add that it's also important to help our sons to be devoted feminists. It's a guaranteed good investment in all of our futures to recognize and support the girls, women and the future if we are to save the world.

susansmagicfeather  2021 Susan R. Grout