Aging

beauty and grace

There are three things a woman ought to look--straight as a dart, supple as a snake and proud as a tiger lily.                                            Elinor Glyn in the year 1908

What is it to be a woman today? Here is a description I can't get out of my head, "... She should be seen and not heard, as slim as a waif, charming and delightful, never giving a moment's grief, ageless, a wonder, beautiful, graceful, and does anything requested of her." I can't for the life of me remember where I read that quote by a man, but according to some modern magazines this describes an ideal woman. Read that quote again slowly, doesn't this describe a perfect little girl? Yet, this is supposedly the male ideal of the perfect woman. I find this childish and hate it when women fall for this but they do again and again. Sadly it keeps them in a self loathing mode for untold wasted years. Paralyzed, they don't use their voices or speak their opinions.

Little girls in their Easter finest

Here's a small example: I just re-watched "Something's Got to Give" [made in 2003] which was incredibly enjoyable and well written. One thing really bothered me: Diane Keaton then and Diane Keaton now.  In her role as 'Erica', the famous playwright, Diane stood before one and all with her wrinkles and imperfect teeth. She looked lovely and as appropriately aged as any nearly 60 year old woman. However Diane Keaton today is a different story. Look in any woman's magazine she is the rep for L'Oreal's skin products. You'll see why I am disappointed. The Diane Keaton in the photos is almost wrinkle-free with sparkling new teeth. Obviously those teeth have been capped. Is this awful? Well, no but it is disappointing. Had she kept the real wrinkled skin and crooked teeth she, of course, would never have gotten that contract to pose for the advertisements. But, it's not real and is deflating to women who get judged on our wrinkles and imperfect teeth. Until very recent history wrinkles, bad teeth and scars on men were never a source of criticism or even an issue on the male of the acting species.  To wit: Tommy Lee Jones, a terrific, popular actor. There, look at him, I rest my case.

not my regular exercise but fun...

The bigger question is this -- does reverse aging make a person happier? Can I complicate this question by giving a two part answer? My hope for all I love is that they live healthy, comfortable lives. One way to do this is boringly obvious: eat well, sleep 7-8 hours a night, if you drink do so moderately, exercise somewhat vigorously daily, meditate, be loving and generous, be charitable and be a life-long learner. In my humble opinion that will earn you youthful points and keep you feeling younger than your years foretell. I suspect this also increases the happiness quotient because you get to be proud of yourself and feel good to boot. Is this a fool proof plan? No, life has a way of intervening with seemingly fool proof plans, an unexpected illness, a reversal of fortunes and oh yeah, death. 

The second part is this. The clients that I've worked with who've had elective, drastic cosmetic surgeries still have the oodles of problems they had before, they just look better. Looking better externally doesn't guarantee and internal improvement. One woman, Leticia* gave it her all. She had the entire face lift with all the agony that goes with it. She endured the operation and then months of healing. This was entirely voluntary pain. And here's the interesting part, it was my observation that she looked pretty good for a woman in her sixties.  Why did she do this to herself? Leticia said, "I work in a field where everyone is 10 to 15 years my junior and am very self conscious about  my wrinkles". The upshot was complicated: she did look unquestionably younger [which she loved] but Leticia ended up getting a divorce [which she didn't love]. A couple of years later she acquired what eventually turned out to be a terminal cancer. Life intervened. 

My question to all of you, is if you knew that you were going to get cancer and die from it, would you put yourself through all that torture merely to look younger? My Dad used to say, "the undertaker's closets are filled with jogging suits." What I have heard from all of my clients that have had face lifts, burning by laser, etc.-- it all hurts. Should you have to do these procedures for dermatological necessity-- like a cancer preventative--- that is entirely different. That's a matter of health and not vanity.

Exercise has to be fun or it will get dropped

Several other clients in determination to change their lives and their health went for the drastic change of having Bariatric surgery. They had tried and failed at every method and every new diet and were desperate to finally lose weight. Most of these clients were grossly obese and this was a serious health measure that could save their life. What I found most intriguing is only half of the clients were able to keep the weight off. The other half, sadly, found ways to fool the surgery and went right back up to their old weight. So help me, I tried and tried to tell them: "if this surgery is just regarded as a quick fix, the surgery surely will not work." I urged them "to consider that you must dedicate yourself to eating the small portions recommended, rely almost exclusively on nutritious, healthy foods, exercise and keep up the regime for the rest of your life." The ones who took this most seriously did keep the weight off and I revel seeing them around town with the new lives they created without the huge baggage of the old weight.

My own mother was a wise counsel, though not always the most delicate, on the subject of women's aging and accepting aging. Once, when I was a bit older than fifty, I asked her, "Mom, I'm thinking about losing five to seven pounds, what do you think?" She said, "don't bother it will just sag." Another time, around the same era, I said, "Oh, no! I'm getting so many wrinkles." She looked at me and said, "go look in the mirror." I did and came back and said, "okay..." and she said, "it's all down hill from here." Did I laugh? Yes. Have I told that story many times? Yes again.  Did I have a brutally honest mother? Yes again.   

sisters at the Cemetery where we put our mother's ashes

 We launched a bit of Mom's ashes in Hawaii

Here we are in the new year, 2018 and though I make no New Year's resolutions [other than my usual; to play guitar more often and be kinder to everyone], I years ago discovered the joy in doing activities that I love as vigorously as possible. Adore the outdoors.

 I sympathize with the very busy with the jobs and little kids who strive to be healthier, and don't have the energy to exercise. To the ones who can't seem to take care of themselves but take care of everybody else, I wish you well. You are worth carving out a bit of time for yourself. Self care is love. Then take the rewards of self care and go and spread it around. Turn off the machines, cell phones and TV's and you will be amazed at the amount of free time you'll acquire. 

*Leticia is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright all rights reserved Susan R. Grout

What is the Missing Ingredient in Choosing a Mate?

By the work one knows the workman.                                Jean de La Fontaine

Watch his actions not his words.                                      Susan R. Grout 1990 

This year my husband and I are having a big anniversary. How will we celebrate? 

Years ago we stopped giving each other formal gifts, instead buying something we'd found particularly appealing and meant for the other, bought it, gave it. What we do give each other in abundance is love, cuddling, hope, kindness, food for thought, thought for food, jokes, stories, light banter, heavy discussions and oh yes, the occasional argument. More on that.

Because it creeps up on many a young person, it's only later after the third or fourth date with someone they are attracted to that then they may begin to contemplate:what's important in a mate?  At first the pull to another may be fascination, curiosity, physical attraction, admiring their pleasing style or way of living their life, their temperament, their looks, attitudes, laugh, and/or the ability to make you laugh. This is a good start but how do you know that this person could be worthy of a lifetime of regard, attention, love and nurturing? I pulled together a list of what I believe is essential in a successful marriage.

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we would run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. However there is an art to this, please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It is OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html], it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say.

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Best New Years Resolution of All Times

 Our annual Commitment ride
                

THE BEST NEW YEARS RESOLUTION OF ALL TIME

1. My husband will always be attuned to my every wish.
2. My husband will be prompt in executing all of my forthcoming lists  doled out on a daily basis.
3. My husband will cheerfully carry any item that I have on hand no matter the weight.
4.  My husband will be attentive to any whim I have
5.  My husband will listen with rapt attention to any lengthy story that I  tell.

Furthermore I will resolve to make excellent resolutions for anyone who I deem needs my excellent lists of  do's and don't's.

You can count on me. Humor included in each package.

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright all rights reserved Susan R. Grout

YEAR in Review with Photos 2017

Groutfest included the county fair this year

Guitar Camp 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

My friend Sarah and I at the exhilarating Women's March 1/21/2017 

  

We of the disappointed citizens started out the year with a protest. Approximately 21 million friends joined us world wide.

My husband knows his place

Then on to California to see family.We drove in an incredible deluge like driving through a series of car washes. Being with the grands and our son is always rewarding.

Lulu shines at gymnastics, number one

On our road trips we take CDs and plan on listening to music. We end up viewing, talking once in awhile and being awestruck by the beauty of the country. The Redwoods deserve the respect of a cathedral.

Niece Corey from Vermont comes to Seattle

In May we drove to Walla Walla for a wine tasting extravaganza with a group that formed after we lost yet another bid at an auction for a wine tasting. Don't contemplate a name for said group...

On to Chicago to visit Trisha and Peter in their new apartment. Of course the art institute and the new, fantastic Writer's Museum.

Chicago with Trisha and Peter at the Writer's Museum

biking to the tulips early May

 

Visiting college roommates in New Jersery

Thanksjuning, this year's theme "no singing at the table".

Silas and D in San Francisco

James find music where ever he goes

Lauren and Anne at Groutfest on the island

 

The Josh Grouts at Groutfest

The girls at Groutfest

Visiting Steve in Philadelphia

Great Diamond Island, Maine

With Jim and Colleen at the Rockefeller Estate

The gorgeous Quebec City

Quebec City

Philadelphia

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at Zach and Anne's house

Wishing you all a wonderful love filled year that is stuffed with kindness, generosity and intelligence.

susansmagicfeather 2017 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

These Dark Days: A Possible Solution

We should all be concerned about the future because we are going to have to spend the rest of our lives there.                          Charles F. Kettering

Tell the truth and run.Tell the truth and duck.     Anon

There is the magnetic pull for all of us in these challenging years to pile on the negative thinking then pine for the days when we did not have to obsessively worry about every news report. For some of us this effort is Herculean or worse: the myth of Sisyphus. Here comes that rock again! Time to roll it up that long hill... 

One way to combat all of this negativity from the news is to simply pull the plug, turn it off and use the time to do something productive, soothing or satisfying. For many people that is quite a challenging order and very difficult.  Many of the clients I saw in my long years of practice had issues from their past that caused them to slip into a negative groove etched out in their brains. For some it was abuse or neglect, others had a deep insecurity. When reminded that their world is being threatened by a host of intimidating bullies they'd fall into a hole so deep it took a long, strong rope to pull them out. Obviously, the client had to help. First of all they had to hold on to the rope, then they had to make sure that the person [or persons] doing the pulling were trustworthy. When you don't have that trust it's difficult and scary to reach out for help... that is when chronic depression sets in. 

Here is a partial list for overcoming negative thinking.

1. In order to master your past, seek the best help you can find and afford.
2. Develop a sense of personal boundaries.
3. Take risks: if you are withdrawn seek companions, if you are only a social butterfly, develop your solitude skills.
4. Make sure your motivation for what you do in life is out of love, not fear.
5. Stop blaming [yourself and others] and squarely assess situations that are emotionally loaded and find a solution.
6. Rule for perfectionists: the perfect is the enemy of the good, embrace the good.
7. Saving others is merely a ruse for not focusing on yourself and for feeling superior.
8. I've said so before, no one is better than you, no one is worse than you.
9. Tell the truth and run or duck depending on the circumstances.
10. Be willing to trust, be willing to forgive.
11. Be a human being not a human doing.
12. Ask for what you really want.
13. Be compassionate to others and also to yourself.
14. Make sure that you are moving the body: stretching, exercising, walking each day.
15. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug the ones you love---just for the joy of giving and receiving.

Are there any questions? Feel free to contact me or simply reply to this post. Thanks for reading.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

Ways for Letting the Light In

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Many times when I was a therapist in private practice I would get a flood of clients starting in November. This was not all that shocking in that we are in one of those latitudes where the light starts to fail us about four in the afternoon. Darkness, copious rain sets in for the duration and drives some quietly insane.
 For this reason and because one of the lovely people on my social media page asked the question "how do you combat the dark days?" I gave her one suggestion and then thought, bring on what works for me and countless others. Here is a sampler:

Have you a big robust stack of engaging books, magazines and movies at the ready?
Do you have an excellent stock of tea, coffee, cocoa, and satisfying treats near by?
Can you string Christmas lights in your living area?
Have you the ability to race outside with any available sun breaks?
During those sun breaks can you make sure you take a walk and revel in the out of doors?
Could you include yoga, meditation and day dreaming into your day?

Does the darker days lend you time to listen to music?
 Can you do the kitchen dance while you cook something stew like? 
Is it within the possible for you to make a luscious dessert and enjoy savoring each mouthful? 
Can you gather friends for a pot luck dinner and try to make everyone laugh?
If you are so lucky to have children in your life, do gather the children around you for a silly or small celebration.

Your homework assignment is to be aware and amused each day and report the results to me.                           Susan R. Grout

There is no duty we so much  underrate as the duty of being happy.                                                                     Robert Louis Stevenson 

This is a love letter to all of you who suffer or go down the rabbit hole of deep grief during the winter. Take care, stay warm, laugh each day, make fun of yourself, treat yourself with great respect and kindness and always, always bring love out into the world. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Give Me One Good Reason

A public library is a public trust. And the “trust” in that old-fashioned phrase is, has to be, mutual, reciprocal. The public trusts the library not to censor, change, or withhold valuable books or information, as the library trusts the public won’t force them to censor, change, withhold, or destroy books or information. And if the library, at the request of the public, does withhold some material from some people (as in finding ways to keep exploitive pornography from children using the library) this is done (if it’s rightly done) openly, with knowledge and consent on both sides.
But a great corporation, even one sworn to do no evil, makes no such bargain with the public. There is no reciprocity. Trust is not mutual. It’s understood that the public interest, if considered at all, comes second to the interests of the corporation — profit, growth, and power. So the corporation can and will keep its secrets, even though what it is dealing in is information, even when its business is making knowledge accessible, open, free — the very opposite of keeping secrets.    From Ursula K. LeGuin's blog

I'm asking you, give me one good reason that this dreadful tax bill should be passed. It obviously favors the corporations, big business and billionaires which from the reading above all have no real interest in helping out the little middle class people at all. There is no trust here. In the last ten years there has been a 300 to 1000% increase in the CEO's pay---- none of which has been passed down or benefited their workers. How could we possibly be fooled into trusting that this tax cut is beneficial to the middle and lower classes of these corporations. Trickle down revisited. A hood wink a first time around and a con the second time.  How sad is that?

As for consumer protection, the White House just put in place a man who's sole purpose is to destroy the agency.  

One only has to look to two states, California and Kansas to see whether slashing taxes on business is helpful. California has thrived with a growing economy,  and they raised taxes on corporations. Kansas has had nothing but economic trouble since it's Republican politicians slashed taxes on corporations. Minnesota is another successful state that raised taxes and has flourished. 

I also, while I'm at it, I implore anyone to give me one good reason to respect #45 and his bizarre method of governing. It strikes me that even a four year old could grasp that he is the ultimate Robin Hoodlum, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. Any takers to prove me wrong?

Where is the caring for our citizens? Remember this is a person who has defended the White Supremacist as "really fine people." Since when. See below. And is doing all he can to export the Dreamers. 

Our country used to have a tradition of being trustworthy, honest, genuine and caring. Please give me one good reason why I should believe any of that now with this greedy, ignorant current administration. 

It's time to stop complaining and start acting. Encourage the people who either didn't vote or who voted for a third party or who, shudder, voted in this current administration to stand up for goodness, truth, trust, kindness and the American way. That is the American way.

Susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.  

Combating Fatigue and Robin Hoodlum

These are the times that try men [and women's] souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but those that stand it now, deserves the love and thanks of men [and women]. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.            Thomas Paine

I know one thing we did right

Was the day we started to fight.   Keep your eye on the prize, hold on, hold on.                                                                                                 a traditional civil rights movement song

  Each day is fresh hell from the #45 administration. Each day they are  wrecking havoc with our cherished democracy and ruining all of the values that we hold dear in the country. Values like respect, caring about the poor and homeless, appreciating intelligence and promoting science, allowing kindness in dealing with people---these  are all either mocked or gone by the way side. 

Gone are the days of the years from 2008 to 2016 when we heard rational, thoughtful directions from our leader. Obama revived our standing in the world that the Bush/Cheney administration had nearly ruined with that stupid unnecessary war. [I still want Cheney to write a check to every soldier,from the $3 billion in profits that he bilked from the war]. 

Now we are lied to on a daily basis, sneeringly insulted [especially women] and distracted while utter nonsense is muttered from the White House. It would be understandable to be so very discouraged as to want to give up the fight altogether. Don't.

Those with vast sums of money to be made from this administration are trying to convince to give up. The truth is that they are swiping your rights and taking money from your pocket. 
They are claiming there will be more jobs and money. Patently untrue.  We must oppose this money grab. Don't believe them. To wit the current tax bill that now sits in the Senate. It is the ultimate steal from the poor give to the rich tax bill. In days of yore the taxes on the richest of us were incredibly high:

The Revenue Act of 1935, 49 Stat. 1014 (Aug. 30, 1935), raised federal income tax on higher income levels, by introducing the "Wealth Tax". It was a progressive tax that took up to 75 percent of the highest incomes. It was signed into law by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Roosevelt got us out the depression and gave us the treasure of the WPA program putting people to work, fixing the roads and building in the national parks. These are in communities all across this country that are still loving almost 90 years since their creation. Obama got us out of the debacle that Bush/Cheney inflicted on us--- the great recession--- with the Iraq war and the shady deals allowed by the housing industry.  Neither of them considered giveaways to the people who were fabulously wealthy. They actually wanted to help the average citizen and help our country recover.

Isn't one of the most loving things that Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed told their followers was to love one another? Interestingly this includes feeding the hungry, helping the sick, clothing the poor, caring for the children. Isn't that obvious to all of us? Apparently not to this administration. 


Join in the fight, pace yourself surely but "don't give up, never give up." [Winston Churchill and Train]

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Robin Hoodlum

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage also is needed to do what is right.    Arthur Dobrin 

A conservative is someone who demands a square deal for the rich.             David Frost

It is a truth universally acknowledged that humans want clean air and clean water and a safe place for their children and grandchild to grow up. Surprise! this is not acknowledged by the current GOP administration, that is busily doing the opposite. Dirty air, fine! we need more coal dust and to blow up the regulations that protect the air. As for the precious resource of clean water just look to all the ineffectiveness of fixing Flint, Michigan. That community is just one of hundreds across the land who have problems with their water. Fracking has polluted the water in all the areas where they're in business. If you doubt what I say, go ahead, you drink that water--- those of you who support or profit from fracking.  

The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy, that is the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.                     J.K. Galbraith 

Right now the GOP administration ---no surprise--- is inept, but much, vastly worse than inept, it is mean spirited and vengeful. just look to the current use of cages and jails on the people seeking asylum to this country. This is comparatively almost as awful as what we did to the Japanese during WW2.  Remember no German Americans were held in prison camps, referred to as "internment camps". 

The current GOP administration has appointed people, mostly men, that have neither the education nor the experience to do the jobs he has placed them in. This is an abomination, especially to all of us who are going to have to deal with judges who are right wing conservative [white supremacists] and unqualified. Since this is an appointment for life usually the presidents in the past appointed men and women who were fair, level headed and uninfluenced by politics. That definition has been blown up by the GOP administration. 

Being unqualified and bigoted goes double for the plethora of mean spirited, disruptive, men being placed in our governmental agencies.  Have mercy on the poor employees of those agencies who have toiled for years to create a better world for us and our children. They are being dealt a heavy blow in the form of inept leaders who openly wanted to destroy their agencies. 

Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.                            Kin Hubbard

One of the worst was Scott Pruitt head of the EPA who  eliminating scientists from the EPA. This is the Environmental Protection Agency. This administration wants to cause its demise and further create havoc with the environment for profit for the few rich men. I guess they don't care that there are problems on our earth: bees poisoned with pesticides, birds with no proper habitat... How can anyone not love the birds and the bees? I don't know, ask a Republican. 

A most important question is this: would it ever occur to you to hire these unqualified people? Doesn't everyone hire the most qualified person to fulfill the tasks at hand? This is depraved or stupid, take your pick.


One of the reasons for this ineptitude is that the current administration wants these agencies to fail. The touting rhetoric from many Republicans over the years has been "kill the beast!" meaning the governmental agencies that work for the good of all the citizens.  Ironically these Republicans ran on that platform, got elected, got their health care, got their pensions and have piece by piece set out to destroy our government except for themselves and the very richest Americans.  Proof positive is the tax bill that passed the House and Senate. It gives a huge tax deduction to the wealthiest of our citizens with, gee wiz, guess who's first in line? American people are being sold about the old "trickle down" trick which has NEVER worked and will not work now.  This, folks, is reverse Robin Hood. This is it's evil twin: Robin Hoodlum.

Stop the Robin Hoodlums. Vote Democrats.  Consider donations to local candidates who are Democrats, and donations to the organizations who are fighting for you and our children and grandchildren. Restore your rights, vote for a country that is honest and spreads good will not hatred like the GOP. Help, don't just complain or despair. That's the GOP's wish that we would sit back, close our eyes and get robbed blind.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2018 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved