What is the Missing Ingredient in Choosing a Mate?

By the work one knows the workman.                                Jean de La Fontaine

Watch his actions not his words.                                      Susan R. Grout 1990 

This year my husband and I are having a big anniversary. How will we celebrate? 

Years ago we stopped giving each other formal gifts, instead buying something we'd found particularly appealing and meant for the other, bought it, gave it. What we do give each other in abundance is love, cuddling, hope, kindness, food for thought, thought for food, jokes, stories, light banter, heavy discussions and oh yes, the occasional argument. More on that.

Because it creeps up on many a young person, it's only later after the third or fourth date with someone they are attracted to that then they may begin to contemplate:what's important in a mate?  At first the pull to another may be fascination, curiosity, physical attraction, admiring their pleasing style or way of living their life, their temperament, their looks, attitudes, laugh, and/or the ability to make you laugh. This is a good start but how do you know that this person could be worthy of a lifetime of regard, attention, love and nurturing? I pulled together a list of what I believe is essential in a successful marriage.

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we would run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. However there is an art to this, please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It is OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html], it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say.

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

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